Chapter 4

"Ben?" I asked, not yet registering what this meant.

He turned and ran. Very quickly. I got it.

"Ben! Wait! Ben come back!" I screamed, scrambling to my feet. I kicked off my flip flops and started after him, screaming as tears ran down my face. He ran down the shoreline, past all of the parking lots. I realized he had walked to the beach, taking advantage of the beautiful night. That fact relieved me and saddened me at the same time. I knew the town better than him, so I could catch up with him. But he and I had thought the same thing, possibly at the same moment. What a beautiful night it was. Now possibly ruined.

I turned into a side street and cut through, crossing over in front of the single Starbucks in town. I sat down against the wall, panting and crying at the same time. He didn't see me when he rounded the corner, but I saw him.

"Ben!" I cried, standing up, "Ben! Let me explain."

"Explain what? Why you were kissing another guy? Why should I?" He called angrily, pausing for a breath.

"Because I love you." I said in a small, hurt tone.

"You have a funny way of showing it." He said, straightening up.

It felt like someone had slapped me across the face. Hurt flooded my eyes. He stared straight back at me, seeming not to care.

Tears swamped my eyes again, but I ran before they could escape. My feet were sore and cut when I got home, after running barefoot from the beach. My parents gave each other questioning looks when I exploded through the door and ran, sobbing, up to my room. I avoided looking up at the board above my desk. It had too many reminders of Ben.

I flung my self onto my bed, crying from the pain in my heart more than the pain in my body.

"Kendall? Kendall, sweetie, someone's here for you." My dad called through my door, "Go on in." he said to my visitor.

I made no move to straighten up or stop crying. I didn't care what they saw. I just wanted to be alone. Serves them right for coming in the first place.

"Kendall- are you okay?" came Logan's voice.

"What do you think?" I asked incredulously, "Did you happen to notice who that guy was on the beach?"

"Ben." He said softly.

"Yes. Ben. My Boyfriend!" I cried.

"Really? I couldn't tell." Another voice said. Ben's voice. I lifted up my head to see him standing in the doorway.

"That's great Kendall- nice to see you too. Glad I came to surprise you." He said with venom in his voice.

"Nice to meet you too- hope you enjoy being with Kendall." He spat at Logan, and then turned down the hall.

Logan stared at my hurt-filled eyes for a moment, then took off down the hall after Ben. I could here them talking through my wall.

From Logan-"Excuse me- but that was a little harsh."

"Yeah, so what do you care? You get to go out with her- happy day for you! I had to wait 16 freaking years!"

"I at least care about her!" Logan called loudly.

"What makes you think I don't care about her?" was Ben's rough reply, "I care about her more than anything!"

"Not from what I can tell- did you let her explain what happened?"

"No." was Ben's barely audible reply.

"That's what I thought. Now I don't care what you do, whether you go talk to her or leave, but I know that she deserves to have a chance to explain. And she deserves more than you if you walk out that door."

I heard footsteps walk down the stairs. And someone walk toward my room.

"Kendall?" Ben's voice called, "Can I come in?"

"Yes." I said quietly.

He opened the door and walked it, closing it behind him. He came over and sat at the foot of my bed.

"Tell me what happened." He whispered.

"We were talking. I had already told him I was going out with you. But he asked me to dance- and I did. I just wanted to have a good time. When we got back from dancing- I don't know- it just happened." I said the last word in a tiny whisper.

"That's all?" he asked simply, so I couldn't read his voice.

"That's all. I told you before- I would never intentionally do something to hurt you." I couldn't help adding, "The way you hurt me."

"The way I hurt you?" he questioned, staring at me blankly.

"Yes, the way you hurt me." I said quietly, sitting up. I could feel anger rising in me.

"What…?" he asked me.

"When I asked to explain things to you! When I said that I love you! Even if you are a huge jerk!" With the word jerk I slammed my hands against his chest, pushing him back off of my bed.

"When you just stared through me, when I was hurt… not caring." I whispered. Tears began to stream down my face again.

"Kendall… Kendall I…" he didn't finish his sentence. Instead he sat down next to me, wrapping me in his arms. I stiffened as they surrounded me, thinking I didn't want a part of him anymore.

"Ben… I love you more than anything. But if you aren't going to understand anymore, I can't do this." I said softly.

"Kendall… I just… I just couldn't stand seeing you kiss him. What would I do if it happened again?"

I twisted and stared at him in shock.

"You think I would kiss him- or anyone else again? And risk losing you? Is that how badly you know me? I thought you knew me… better. How many times do I have to tell you that I wouldn't- I couldn't- do anything to hurt you? I thought… I thought you did understand." My hurt turned to anger… and then back to hurt.

"Ben, do you understand?" I asked him, pain filling my voice.

"I care about you more than my own life. You are the most important thing in my life. I couldn't manage without you. But…" his voice trailed off.

"But?" my voice filled with fear. This hadn't been what I was expecting.

"But I can't hurt you again either. And I am afraid that if…that if I stayed with you I might do that. The last thing I want to do is leave you… but I can't stand seeing you look like you did in the street again. The way you stared at me- I couldn't handle it. It… you made me snap."

"I… I made you?" I said in amazement. "Ben- I never would have made you treat me like that. That's unbelievable- you make me sound like some masochistic freak! Why would I do that?"

"That… I… I didn't mean it like that…" he said, struggling.

"Then what did you mean?" I said coldly. I was now out of his embrace.

"I meant- it is just something you do to me! I can't… I can't think straight when I am around you! It… you just confuse the heck out of me!" he stood up.

"Kendall- I don't know if I can do this anymore either." He said quietly, and then left the room.

I sat there, dumbfounded. He left. Left. Without… without anything. I sat on my window seat later, unable to sleep.

"Star light…" I began- but I couldn't finish. I had a feeling that no matter how hard I wished… the one thing I wanted wasn't coming back.

AN: Ok, first of all thanks to my dear friend yet2bediscovered for reviewing. Here is the response to that cliffhanger that I left you all with last time, and since that was just so cruel of me, the next chapter is coming up soon. Review, pretty please, and I will be a happy person!