Chapter 5

I didn't go out to Krispy Kreme the next morning. Too many things had spawned off the last time I did.

I stayed in bed until 10, when my mom came up to check on me. I told her my feet hurt after the night before, which was partly true. I had torn them up running home, but that wasn't why I didn't want to get out of bed.

Ben had left my house after our fight last night. I didn't know whether it was for good, if he had left town, or if he was staying at one of the hotels in town. To tell the truth, I don't think I wanted to know.

Logan came to visit me that afternoon. My parents had talked to him, thinking I was asleep, and asked him what went on last night. He only said he was trying to find out, and then came upstairs.

He pretty much found out when he saw me sitting on my window seat in the clothes I had worn to the party, with makeup smeared all over from my crying.

"He left." I said simply, staring out the window.

"For good?" he asked, standing by my bed.

"I don't know." I said, tears streaming down my face.

"Kendall… oh…" he came and sat down next to me, enveloping me in a soft hug.

"You deserve better…" he told me as I collapsed, crying, into his shoulder.

"But I want him." I whispered through my tears.

"I know…" he said comfortingly, stroking my arm with his large hand.

"It'll be okay."

I don't know how long we stayed like that… me crying and him comforting me. When he finally broke the embrace, I had cried nearly every tear in my body.

"Kendall- if you need anything… anyone… call me, okay? No matter what time it is, where you are, where I am… just call me and I will help you. I promise."

I nodded, stifling the urge to cry more.

"I will."

"Kendall," he added, pausing as he walked through my door, "Remember that you deserve more."

My throat got tight, but I nodded. I watched him walk out of my house, down my driveway, and in the direction of his house. I watched him through the very last tears I had.

•

For a week, I did nothing but sit in my room. But I was getting restless, and had to do something.

One morning I woke up at 8 and walked past the Krispy Kreme. I walked past the Starbucks. I walked straight to the beach where the party was. I sat down on top of a sand dune. I stared out at the ocean for a half hour. Then I left.

I was done.

•

For the next three weeks I went on my normal schedule. I woke up, went to Krispy Kreme, went back to my house, read, and then went to the beach and read. I swam too, every afternoon. I hung out with Sally and Aimee. I called Logan a few times, but never to talk about anything that had gone on that night. Talking about that was too painful for me. I preferred to pretend it hadn't happened. But I had never gone out with Ben, either.

I gave up wishing on a star every night. All of those years, wishing that something magical would happen to me, they all seemed wasted. This wasn't magic. This was… this was indescribable pain.

•

The end of the summer was approaching quickly. Sally and Aimee wanted to throw me a going away party. I told them I would be back next summer. I was dreading leaving, because when I got back Ben would be waiting for me, waiting to see me everyday, waiting to pretend everything was normal. I hadn't talked to Julia or Alex over the summer- they still thought I was going out with Ben. Unless he told them, there was no one else who could have.

Sally and Aimee ended up roping me into their party- they said I had become depressed. They might have been right, but I had had my heart stomped on. What else was new?

The night of the party, they both came over to help me get ready. It was going to be on the beach, where the other party was. They weren't sure about having it there, but I told them I would be fine with it. We left a half hour after they got there- they had picked out an outfit for me and did my make up.

I tried to act excited on the way there, but it was hard. I had also tried to forget everything that had gone on- but that was with no avail.

We met the guys there. They had come early to help set up. When we stepped on to the beach, Logan had come over. Sally and Aimee exchanged looks but went to greet their respective boyfriends.

"How are you?" he asked quietly, so as not to be heard by the others.

"I'm… okay. I'll survive." I answered truthfully.

"Look- I have been thinking about that night a lot and I wanted to say I was sorry- because all of this is my fault. It was because I kissed you that everything got this way, and you probably will hate me for saying this, but only half of me wants to change what happened."

When he saw I didn't want to smack him, but instead looked curious, he continued.

"I am really sorry that I screwed everything up for you and Ben, but I am kind of glad. I got to meet him, I got to find out how big a jerk he was, and I got to get to know you better. And somewhere in there…

"I fell in love with you."

I must have looked really shocked because he instantly began to take it back. But I didn't listen to him. Instead I leaned over and placed his chattering mouth on mine. He was stiff for a moment, and then he realized what was going on. I knew the others were looking at us, but I didn't care. All I was concentrating on was kissing Logan.

When we finally stopped, he stared at me with a look of bewilderment.

"Logan… I like you a whole lot. You are really, really important to me. And you have helped me through everything," I took a deep breath.

"But…" he said sadly.

"Yes, but. I am just afraid something will happen again. I know you would never do anything that might hurt me. I know that better than anything. I just don't know if I can take the chance right now. I would love to be your girlfriend- simply because you are an amazing guy. But I don't know if I can deal with something like that again, not now."

He gave me a small, sad smile.

"Some how I knew that was what you were going to say. And you know what?" he asked, grabbing my hands, "I am okay with it. I am okay with whatever you choose to do, so long as you are happy, not hurt."

With that, he leaned in and kissed me again, slowly and sweetly.

He stopped after a minute, smiling at me.

"Just remember that the offer will always stand- and to call me if you ever need anything." He told me kindly, "Now, I do believe that people are coming! Let's go have a party, eh?" He let go of my hands and walked off, leaving me standing in the sand as he started to greet people. I shook off my daze and went to follow him to greet my guests.

•

The party was a lot of fun. More fun than I had had in weeks. Sally and Aimee and invited all of my friends from town and everyone was really sad I was leaving. I kept on telling them I would be back next year, but no one seemed to care. A few people- Sally and Aimee included- got me going away presents.

They had gotten together all of my favorite music and only played that.

Every time there was a slow dance, I danced with Logan.

After dancing to 'Listen to Your Heart' by D.H.T., Aimee pulled me aside.

"Are you and Logan going out?" she asked rather bluntly, rather like Alex at home.

"No- not at the moment." I answered.

"Okay good." She sighed.

"Why is this a good thing?" I asked, a little curious.

She called over Sally before I got my answer. After answering Sally's curious look with a brief shake of her head, Aimee explained things to me.

"We were worried, because we saw you before with Logan."

They meant before the party. Kissing Logan.

"And we thought that this might not work after all." Sally added.

"Right. You see, Logan told us that you and Ben had broken up, but he didn't tell us why."

This was beginning to sound bad.

"So we called him. He wouldn't answer our questions, but he agreed to help us."

"You… you what?!?!?!" I asked, stupefied.

"We called Ben for you."

"Is that okay?"

"Okay… okay? You could have asked me what happened!"

"What?" Sally asked, looking confused.

"Look… just go over to that sand dune and you'll see what he helped us with." Aimee said, cutting in.

I was wary as I walked over to the dune. I wasn't sure what to expect.

What I found blew me away.

"Hey Kendall." Ben said timidly.

"B- Ben? What… did they…?" I stuttered.

"Surprise." Sally and Aimee said, coming up from behind me, "Hope you like it!" Then they walked away.

"…I was invited…" he said as if it would have helped.

"They invited you here?" All of my memories from that night came flooding back.

Kissing Logan.

Running after Ben.

Getting Hurt.

Running away.

Hearing them fight.

Fighting.

Crying.

"What…what… why are you here?" I managed.

"I was invited… they said there was a going away party for you."

"You came back. After… after what you did to me?" I didn't know how else to say it.

"I… I'm sorry." He said.

"And you expect me to just go along with that? After all of this? After you hurt me, made me practically sink into depression? You expect me to just welcome you with open arms after all of that, just because you have an apology at hand?" I was thoroughly infuriated.

"What? What are you… how was I supposed to know any of that?"

"You could have stayed! You could have called! You could have done anything but what you did!" The tears I had not yet shed came flooding out.

Along with everything else.

"Did it ever occur to you that I had liked you for my entire life? That every single night…. Every night for six years I wished… I wished I could be your girlfriend? I wished you would like me? Did you ever ask me about any of that? Did you ever treat me different from anyone else? Did you ever call while I was here? Ever? Especially… especially in the three first weeks I was here this year. Did you ever call your girlfriend? Did you? Or were you just too busy? Did you know I thought about you every second that I wasn't with you?

"Did you ever notice I wasn't there?"

I had gone from a screaming rampage to whispering through tears. He tried to drape his arms around me but I shoved him away.

"No! I can't! Do you understand? Or is that the reason we broke up anyway?" I whimpered shrilly, "I can't."

I took off running, once again leaving my flip flops.

I ran… I don't know how long or how far I ran… I ran along the shore and in the water… but I couldn't stay there.

I tripped on an empty bottle and fell, crying into the sand. I pounded my fist into the ground, trying to get my frustration out of me. I didn't want to feel like this. I knew in the back of my head that someone had followed me, but I didn't care. I knew that this should never have happened. We were just supposed to be friends. That's it. That is why none of this was working.

"This wasn't supposed to happen, was it?" came Ben's voice, reading my thoughts.

"No. We were supposed to be happy the way we were. Just the way we were. We shouldn't have tried to change."

"But… we love each other…"

"That's the part that hurts most."