I woke up in a panic, half in half out of a nightmare. For a moment I had forgotten where I was. I sat bolt upright when it dawned on me that I was in my new dorm room. My hand clutching my chest I sucked in gulps of cool air trying to slow my heart down. I would never get used to the nightmares but it's how I had started waking up since "that" happened.
Once I got my breathing back under control I slowly crawled out of bed. My shirt was clinging to my body, soaked through with sweat. I pulled it off over my head and tossed it in the direction of the hamper.
I started digging around in the boxes I had failed to finish unpacking last night in search for a clean one. I grabbed out and tossed on the first thing I found. Looking at all the half empty boxes I made a mental note to finish unpacking tonight. But before that I had to get through my first day here.
I walked over to my nightstand opening the top drawer. I pulled out my medications and read the labels making sure I was taking the right amount. I shook the pills out of the bottle that I needed and realized I had no water. I would have to go to the kitchen. And to get to the kitchen I would have to walk down the hall. And the moment I left my room to do that I would have to face Abe. I could feel myself shaking a panic coming on.
I had to get myself under control. I couldn't let him see me like this, not again. He would hate me. And if he hated me then he wouldn't be my PT anymore. And then I would have to tell Dr. Shiga. And then she would hate me, and then she wouldn't help me anymore, and I needed her help, I needed IneededIneededIneeded-
There was loud crash and I jumped almost dropping my pills. My pills. That's right I had to take my medicine. Whatever the noise was it had pulled me out of my head just in time. I had to get to the kitchen and take my medicine it would help. But what was that noise. Had it come from the kitchen? Was it Abe? Was he ok? I had to do something. I took a deep breath opening my door a crack. I would just peek down the hall.
There was another crash that sounded like something falling. Followed by "Son of a bitch!" I was about to retreat back into my room when, is that smoke?
I threw my door open running down the hall. I got to the kitchen and paused. There were pots and pans all over the floor. That must have been what all the noise was. And standing over the toaster, leering, was Abe.
"A-Abe-kun?" I managed to squeak out.
Abe whirled around dropping from his hand what I could only assume was a piece of toast, blackened beyond recognition.
"Shit you scared me" Abe said, hand over his chest. "I didn't hear you come in. I didn't wake you did I?" he said looking from the mess on the floor back to myself. I shook my head no, too intimidated to speak up.
"I just figured since it was your first day here and all I would make breakfast but as you can see" Abe bent down picking up the piece of "toast", waving it in the air. "I'm not exactly much of a cook." He walked over to the trash throwing it away "is cereal ok?"
I nodded my head yes, not sure of what else to do. I wanted to tell him that I could cook but I didn't want to make him mad. I watched Abe wander around the kitchen grabbing bowls and spoons, placing them on the counter. He looked back over at me where I was still standing at the edge of the hall way.
"You can come sit down" he offered, pointing to a stool. I looked from the stools to Abe who was already putzing around again. I slowly made my way over to the counter keeping one eye on Abe the whole way. I chose a stool in the middle and sat. Abe came over to the counter two cereal boxes in hand.
"All I have is shredded wheat and frosted flakes I hope that's ok" he said putting the boxes down in front of me. I looked from the boxes to the pills in my hand that I was supposed to take before eating. Abe came back with the milk setting it down, looking from my empty bowl to me.
"Are you not hungry?" he asked.
"N-no" I shook my head.
"Oh, well you should probably-" Abe started but I cut him off. He misunderstood me.
"N-no" I said shaking my head again. "Y-yes, am hungry. I j-just. I h-have." Abe stared at me a puzzled look on his face. I had to get this out. I tried again.
"I-I ne-need to t-take. B-before I eat." I opened my hand that was still holding my pills.
"Oh you need to take your medicine first?" Abe asked looking from my hand to me. "Do you need something to drink?" I shook my head yes. "Is water ok?" Abe asked, pulling a cup out of the cupboard.
"Y-yes, w-water is fine." He set the glass down in front of me.
"Th-thank you" I said, picking up the glass. After taking the pills I set the glass back down relieved I had finally taken the medicine. I smiled up at Abe who smiled back.
With my medicine taken care of I reached over choosing the frosted flakes, and poured myself a bowl. Abe did the same with the shredded wheat. We ate in comfortable silence, only when we were done did Abe start talking.
"Did you get a chance to look at your schedule yet? He asked. I nodded my head yes. I had made sure to look at it last night before going to bed.
"Are you ok with the time we have set up? It doesn't conflict with any of your classes does it?"
"M-my classes. They are. Th-they are online so. So any time. Any time i-is good" I said looking from my hands to Abe. Abe was quiet for a moment I could tell he was thinking something out in his head. I just hoped he didn't ask what I knew he was thinking. It wasn't normal to be staying on campus in a dorm when all of your classes were online. I was an exception. I could tell he was getting ready to speak and I winced ready for him to question.
"Well whenever you're ready then we'll get going." I sighed in relief. If Abe had any questions he had kept them to himself, which I appreciated. As Abe cleared the dishes I realized I had no idea if I needed anything or what I should wear.
"A-Abe-kun?" Abe turned around towel in hand.
"Yeah?"
"I-I don't. I'm n-not sure. Wh-what to wear." I was clutching my shirt looking down at the counter to afraid to make eye contact. Was it ok to ask him? Would he be mad? Would-.
"You're not sure what you should wear?" Abe's voice broke through my thoughts. I shook my head no. "You can wear whatever you want really. What did you wear before?" Abe's question caught me off guard. I didn't know what he meant.
"B-before?" I dared ask.
"Yeah before" Abe said walking back to the counter. I stared at Abe confused still not sure what he was talking about. From the look on my face he seemed to realize that to.
"You know before, wherever else you had physical therapy before this. What did you wear there?" I think I understood what Abe meant but I hadn't been anywhere before this. I was just at the hospital and all I wore there was one of those gowns. That's why I wasn't sure what to wear now. Surely Abe didn't expect me to wear one of those, did he?
"H-hospital gown" I said refusing to make eye contact.
"Wait, what?" Abe asked shaking his head.
"Hospital" I started but was cut off.
"No, I heard you I just…" Abe paused something clicking in his head. "Mihashi, did you do any physical therapy outside the hospital?" I froze. Panic setting in. What should I say? I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about anything specific, did this count? Would Shiga be mad if I told? What would happen if I did? Would I get in trouble? Would they make me leave? I could feel myself shaking, I couldn't stop.
"Hey" Abe said, standing next to me. When did he come around the counter?
"Hey, it's ok if you haven't. I just…" Abe paused shaking his head. "I can't believe Shiga didn't tell me…" Abe stopped, looking back to Mihashi, who had gone white. "Mihashi?" My shaking was now out of control. Shiga hadn't told him. Shiga hadn't told him and I just had. What was I going to do now? Should I tell Shiga? What if Abe told? What if Abe got in trouble now because he knew?
"Hey Mihashi? Hey I said it was ok."
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I flinched so hard I almost fell off the stool. I saw two hands grab me and I instantly put my arms up in defense. I hid behind my arms like a wall with "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" repeating in my head.
"I'm not going-" Abe paused, letting go of me. "I wouldn't hurt you Mihashi. You need to know that."
I wasn't listening to Abe. I couldn't. Not with my head so full. The words started to tumble from my head and out my mouth and I couldn't stop it from happening.
"I'm s-sorry" I choked out, tears streaming down my face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry-"
"Hey" Abe said, trying to get my attention. "Hey, Mihashi. Look at me." I shook my head the words still spilling out of my mouth no hope to stop them. Two hands landed on my shoulders squeezing so tight I almost yelped.
"Mihashi!" the tone in Abe's voice had my head snapping up and my mouth closing. My eyes found his instantly and I couldn't breathe. I had never seen eyes like his before. They were the most beautiful gray I had ever seen and they were not filled with the hate and anger I expected but with determination.
"Mihashi listen to me" Abe said standing up letting go of my shoulders. "I need you to calm down ok" he said leaning forward grabbing one of my hands. I tried to pull away but he was faster. He held my hand to his tightly keeping mine from squirming away. He brought both of our hands up between us palm to palm loosening his grip. He held our hands like that until I realized nothing bad was about to happen.
"Just focus on me" he said giving our hands a squeeze. I let out a small shaky breath focusing on our hands and how warm Abe's was. I could feel my heart starting to slow and my breathing evening out. I looked up at Abe stunned.
"Good" he said letting out a breath of his own. "Now, I'm not sure what the hell just happened but this is something that you need to know. I am never going to hurt you Mihashi. Do you understand that?" In that moment Abe looked so serious I tried to pull away. He only tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me closer.
"Don't pull away from me" he said pulling me closer still. I was now so close I could feel his breath on my skin, which sent shivers down my back. "This isn't going to work if you don't trust me. If you can do that, if you can work with me I promise I will help you."
I wanted to believe Abe so bad, almost more then I wanted to run away. But I also wanted to stop running. I wanted to trust Abe but I was afraid. Afraid that once I trusted him and he trusted me back I would just end up disappointing him. And then I would lose him. But here he was gripping my hand eyes set with determination. I had to at least try.
"P-promise?" I said, my gaze not leaving those gray eyes that had become dangerously close. Abe leaned in bringing those eyes even closer until his forehead was touching mine.
"I promise" he said.
Abe was pulling away, the moment ending too soon. Abe's forehead left mine and I was already missing it there. He cleared his throat backing away, suddenly looking very uncomfortable.
"So…" he started. "Just a pair of sweats and a shirt should be fine. I'll, um, finish the dishes then we can leave." With that Abe walked away going back to the kitchen.
I watched Abe for a moment, my heart racing. I could still feel the warmth of his hand on mine. I put my hand to my forehead remembering where they had just touched, a feeling rising in my chest. I wasn't sure what it was but I didn't want it to go away. I watched Abe a moment longer, turning on the sink going back to the dishes as if none of this had just happened. I realized he was almost finished, I had paused for too long. I clutched my hand trying to keep the warmth that Abe had left inside. With a smile I slipped off my stool and headed back to my room to change.
The REC was always busy this time of morning. Everyone getting in that one last run or workout before heading off to class. Abe in particular could normally be found doing just that most mornings. Today was no exception. The only difference was following behind him was the fidgeting mess of Mihashi.
The walk to the REC was relatively short. Every once in a while Abe would take a moment to pause to make sure Mihashi was still trailing behind him. Other than that it didn't take them any longer then it normally would have taken Abe to get there by himself. Which actually surprised Abe a little bit, Mihashi looked like a doddler. When they got to the REC Abe headed straight in stopping at the front desk.
"Good morning Abe-kun!" came the cheery voice of Shinooka.
"Morning" Abe replied stepping up to the desk.
"Oh Mihashi-kun, I almost didn't see you there" Shinooka said peering around Abe. "Good morning to you too."
"G-good morning" Mihashi said looking from the floor to Shinooka and back down again.
"Shiga-hakase said that you would be coming she left me this for you." Shinooka pulled a large manila folder out from under the desk and put it on the counter next to Abe who was in the middle of signing a clipboard. Abe finished signing, grabbing the folder. He honestly hadn't expected to get any other information from Shiga so the envelope was a bit of a surprise. Abe couldn't wait to trifle through it.
"Thanks" he said picking up the clipboard. "Here" he said handing the clipboard over to Mihashi. "You need to sign this." Mihashi slowly took the clipboard from Abe looking down at the form.
"Wh-what-?" Mihashi started.
Abe anticipating this question said "it's just a form you have to sign when you get here and before you leave so they can keep track of whose coming and going." Mihashi nodded in response.
Looking back down to the form Mihashi saw that you had to fill out your name, the time, and the date. He picked up the pen starting to sign his name when he froze. His name. He was about to write his name down his real name. It's a good thing he had only gotten the R down. Almost crisis avoided, Mihashi finished writing the name he was now expected to, and filled out the rest of the form.
He stood there staring at the paper and at how different this name looked. He didn't like it, it felt so wrong. But no matter how it felt it was one of the only things right now keeping him safe.
Abe looked back and forth from Mihashi to the clipboard in his hands wondering what could be taking him so long. He was right, doddler, he thought.
"You done?" Abe asked staring at Mihashi. Mihashi nodded handing him back the clipboard. Abe took it placing it back on the counter.
"Thanks Shinooka" Abe said holding the folder up for emphasis.
"You're welcome" she said smiling back.
Abe then turned, walking off, Mihashi in tow. They headed off down a series of hallways passing doors and rooms only some of which Mihashi caught a peek inside of. So far there had only been small rooms all of which had been offices.
They eventually came up to an open door on the left that Abe headed inside of. It was a small room with just some chairs lining the walls. On the far wall was another open door, next to it was an open window where an older looking woman stood behind. Abe walked up to the window, the woman on the other side smiling at him in recognition.
"Abe-kun! How are you dear?"
"I'm good Marie. How are you?"
"Oh I'm doing just fine. What can I do for you?"
"I'm here with a new patient that I believe Shiga-hakase should have told you about and I need to get him some updated x-rays."
"Yes she did. Why don't you take him on back and get him all set up and I'll be back there in a minute."
"Alright, thanks Marie."
Abe took Mihashi through the door and down a short hallway to another room. When they got inside Abe went to a cupboard and pulled something out. When he turned back around he saw that Mihashi had started to fidget again. Did he ever stand still?
Abe walked over to Mihashi holding out the hospital gown he had taken from the cupboard. Mihashi looked from the gown to his clothes and back again. The face Mihashi had made when he saw the gown was priceless.
"I-I thought… A-Abe-kun said…"Abe pinched his nose holding in a laugh.
"You just need to wear this for the x-rays" Abe said once again holding the gown out to Mihashi. Mihashi took it this time clutching it to his chest. Abe watched Mihashi for a moment fidgeting back and forth clearly uncomfortable about something.
"What's wrong?" he asked. It took a few minutes for Mihashi to answer but Abe tried to wait patiently.
"L-last time. The x-rays. They h-hurt last time. W-will they… Are th-they… Is it going to hurt again?" Abe stood confused trying to make sense of Mihashi's broken sentences.
"The last time you got x-rays it hurt?" Abe asked for conformation. Mihashi nodded his head avoiding Abe's gaze. Abe wasn't sure what to say. He knew that the x-rays themselves didn't cause any pain. Although they might be uncomfortable depending on the position you were made to hold your body, but they weren't painful. So why would Mihashi have been in pain? Abe thought for a minute and then it clicked.
"Mihashi they last time you got x-rays, it was right after you were injured, right?" Mihashi once again nodded his head confirming Abe's suspicion. Now how was he supposed to explain this to Mihashi?
"Mihashi look at me" Abe said trying to get the boys attention. Abe watched Mihashi slowly lift his head looking at him, a touch of panic in his eyes. Now that he knew the boy was listening he could explain.
"Mihashi the reason the x-rays hurt last time was because you had just been injured. X-rays themselves don't actually hurt." Abe watched Mihashi intently as he talked to see if he was catching on. Abe wasn't sure, seeing as how Mihashi had made absolutely no reaction, so he explained further.
"Because you had just been injured you were in pain. The x-rays weren't what was causing you to hurt, it was your injuries. Do you understand?" Abe waited silently for conformation. He watched as Mihashi rolled this information around in his head trying to make sense of it. He saw it in Mihashi's eyes as he finally understood.
"So th-this time. This time it w-won't hurt" Mihashi stated, confirming that he understood.
"Right" Abe said, giving Mihashi a quick nod. "Are you ok to do this then?" Abe felt the need to ask.
"Yes!" Mihashi almost shouted, startling Abe. "I-I can do th-this." Abe gave a soft chuckle at Mihashi's enthusiasm. Well at least he's not crying again, Abe thought.
"Good" Abe said keeping the smile on his face. "I'll leave so you can put that on" he said pointing to the gown Mihashi was still clutching. "I'll be back in a few minutes with Marie and then we can get started, ok?" Mihashi swiftly nodded his head back in forth, so much so that for a moment Abe thought it might snap. Abe just laughed to himself and left the room.
The x-rays were taking a lot longer than Abe had anticipated. He could tell it was starting to take its toll on Mihashi too. After that last picture it was visible that Mihashi had started to shake a bit. Abe leaned over to the intercom and spoke into it.
"How are you holding up Mihashi?" Abe watched through the glass panel in front of him as Mihashi tried to keep still.
"I'm o-ok" came the slow response. Abe was about to answer back when Mihashi spoke again. "M-my, my arm is tired" he said, his face a bit red. Abe had not expected Mihashi to answer so truthfully. From what little Abe had seen Mihashi was the type to keep things to himself, just to keep from burdening others. If he was admitting this, he must be more exhausted then Abe thought.
"We just need to take a few more and then we're done ok. Do you think you can hold out a bit longer?" Abe asked, knowing what the answer would be. After a moment Mihashi nodded his head. Abe felt bad for pushing Mihashi like this, but if Shiga wasn't going to tell him anything, he needed as many x-rays as he could get.
While Abe waited for the x-rays to take, he looked into the folder from Shiga. As Abe expected it was almost useless. There were charts and reports from the hospital Mihashi had stayed at, with almost all the information blacked out. The only useful thing Abe had learned from them was what Mihashi's height and weight used to be. Looking back at Mihashi he clearly didn't weigh that anymore. He had lost at least fifteen pounds from what Abe could guess. Abe would have to make sure to get him on a scale soon.
What Abe hadn't expected to find was that Shiga had given him all of Mihashi's previous x-rays. Abe looked over them almost frantically trying to learn as much from them as he could. Abe held them up to the light one after the other and felt his anger blossom. What in the hell had happened to this kid? He looked from the images in his hand to Mihashi in the other room and felt the sudden urge to throw something, his hands clenching into fists.
Abe had only been taking these x-rays of Mihashi as a defiance against Shiga. He didn't actually think he was going to find anything. He looked back down to the x-rays in his hand and tensed. The injuries they were showing were far more extensive then Abe could have even dreamed of.
Abe had assumed that Mihashi had some sort of sports injury as most patients here did. After all that's what they specialized in, sports medicine. But what Abe was looking at, what the images were showing was more in lined with something you would get from a high speed car crash. "What happened to you?" Abe whispered to himself.
Getting his thoughts back together Abe turned to Marie. "Can I get a close up of his right arm, his left leg and his ribs please" Abe asked.
"Sure thing" Marie replied standing from her chair.
When Marie left the room to go reposition Mihashi Abe once again leaned into the intercom. "You're doing great Mihashi. We're only going to take three more and then we're done, ok?" Abe watched as Mihashi nodded again, relief spreading across his face.
After the last three were done Abe let out a little sigh of relief.
"All done" Marie said standing from her chair. "The pictures are going to take a while to develop so I'll give you a call when they are finished."
"Sounds good, thanks Marie" Abe said also getting up. Abe left the room and headed next door to go and get Mihashi.
"We're all done" Abe said entering the room. "You can get down now." Mihashi practically flew off the platform tripping in his haste. Abe ran over catching him just in time. "You ok?" Abe asked, getting Mihashi back on his feet. Mihashi nodded his head, quickly stepping back from Abe.
As he stepped back Abe couldn't help but take in Mihashi's form. He looked so much skinnier then Abe remembered. He took in his slim limbs which had almost no muscle whatsoever. He paused when his glance returned to Mihashi's right arm. Running from wrist to elbow on his inner arm was an ugly pink scar.
Before Abe knew what he was doing he was in front of Mihashi holding his arm. How had he not noticed this before? He thought back to every moment he had been around Mihashi and then he realized. He always wears long sleeves, Abe thought to himself. Abe sighed, I wonder if he does it on purpose to hide the scars?
Abe slowly traced over the scar with his thumb following the path it took from Mihashi's elbow down to his wrist. He was just about to turn his arm over to examine the other side when he heard a soft gasp.
Abe's head snapped up and came face to face with a pair of golden eyes. Mihashi was staring right at him, panic written all over his face. Abe dropped Mihashi's arm as if it had burned, quickly taking a step back. Mihashi instantly lifted his arm and clutched it to his chest. For a moment Abe was afraid that Mihashi had stopped breathing. He had gone completely still rigid from head to toe.
"Mihashi I'm sorry, I didn't mean to" The words came spilling out of Abe's mouth. He looked back to Mihashi who was still just standing there staring at him. After a moment, like out of a trance Mihashi shook his head breaking his eye contact now staring at the floor.
"It, it won't happen again" Abe almost stuttered, still flustered with himself. He stood there staring at Mihashi who for once looked calmer then Abe. What the hell was he doing? He wasn't impulsive like that. He didn't just go up and grab people. But there was something about Mihashi that seemed to throw all of his logic out the window. It was like all rational thought left his head and he was just left with basic urges.
Abe was steadily working himself up which couldn't lead to anything good, he needed some air. He looked back to Mihashi who seemed to be fine now, his normal fidgety self.
Looking back down to the floor Abe cleared his throat "Marie said it was going to take some time for the x-rays to develop, so…" Abe looked around the room for help he was clearly not getting. Abe had never been one for a loss for words but here he was flustered beyond belief not a thing to say. "You can, um, change back into your clothes now. I'll just, I'll wait outside" and with that before he could do anything else stupid he left the room.