Its an awful truth

that suffering can deepen us,

give a greater lustre to

our colours, a richer

resonance to

our words.

-Anne Rice

Edward stood at the large window of his hotel room looking out over the bright lights of Center City Philadelphia. His black suit jacket lay over a nearby club chair, his white dress shirt was untucked and pushed to his elbows, his black tie discarded on the floor. He was two scotches in and miserable. It was a cruel irony to turn to alcohol for comfort while grieving the loss of his first love due to her own battles with the bottle —he found out it was the handful of pills she'd washed down with a fifth of vodka that finally did her in. He'd fled to Pennsylvania immediately on the next available train only to spend 3 days in a hotel wrestling with wether or not to attend the funeral. Their relationship had started young when they met in high school, they married at 18 and Edward filed for divorce 4 years later, not seeing it finalized until 2 years after due to the incredible messiness of it. But he'd always gotten along fine with Noah's family. They had taken his side during the divorce, knowing that it was their daughter with the alcohol problems and seeing how Ed was at war, he couldn't be blamed for their failed marriage. Especially after Noah cheated on Edward while he lay in a german hospital bed, waiting for automail limbs to replace the ones he lost in his attempt to save Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes.

Noah's father always respected Edward for his selflessness and willingness to work hard. He was a famous psychiatrist specializing in relationships and her mother was a human rights lawyer, so if the media had caught wind that their daughter had betrayed a Medal of Honor and Purple Heart recipient, it could've shattered their credibility and ruined their careers. They secretly gave Edward the money to divorce their daughter in exchange for his vow of silence -not that he would've called the press anyway, he was too busy being heartbroken and recovering from automail surgery. They'd given him enough money to leave Noah, move away and start the small business he'd always wanted.

Edward's reminiscing was interrupted by a knock at his hotel room door, and he answered it with a scowl knowing exactly who would be standing there.

"Brother, have you eaten today?" Alphonse Elric said as he entered the room and shut the door. Edward gave an indifferent shrug as he sipped his scotch again and moved to sit on the bed. His younger brother graduated from Drexel with honors and was now a top surgeon at the Children's Hospital Of Philadelphia. He was smart, well-liked, polite to a fault, and worried constantly about his older brother who seemed to find misery at every turn despite being hard-working, talented, and a good person. At 6'3 Alphonse stood a few inches taller than his older brother with shorter, darker hair and eyes that gave more burnished bronze than Edward's gold, but when standing next to one another the relation was undeniable.

"How many have you had today, Ed?"

"Calm down Al, this only my second. I'm not gonna do anything crazy. I'm gonna order room service and sit here and be miserable, okay?"

Alphonse pulled a bottled water from the mini fridge and handed it his brother, taking the scotch to finish himself. Edward glared at him, but didn't protest.

"You'll thank me in the morning." Al said. He'd attended the wake and the funeral, and Edward opted to stay in the car until the end when most of the guests had left before getting out to see Noah's parents and pay his respects. It was immensely helpful to Edward having his younger brother there, but now that the dust of the day had settled and they were sitting in his hotel room with jackets off and collars unbuttoned, Edward knew what was coming next.

"Have you spoken to Winry since you got here?"

Ed loved his brother, but in that moment he also wanted to punch his lights out.

"Al this is REALLY not the time to be hassling me about Winry." Edward groaned. His brother had been Winry's biggest cheerleader ever since Ed had called him two months back to catch up and wound up spilling the beans that he was drawing flowers for a special client. Ever since then it was texts, emails, and phone calls from Alphonse about Winry this and Winry that. Al made no attempts to hide the fact that he wanted to see his big brother find someone and finally be happy. He fully understood what was standing in the way, but Alphonse was a romantic and an endless optimist, always seeing the glass half full. To hear that his brother was drawing flowers again was the greatest excitement he'd ever felt, and he was determined to see his brother end up with Winry.

"I'm not hassling, I'm just curious if she knows."

"Well she doesn't. I finished her tattoo days ago and we no longer have any reason to speak to each other. She's not a part of my life anymore." Edward bit angrily. Alphonse felt something bubble in his chest, an unfamiliar emotion that hardly ever plagued him: irritation, frustration, anger. He stood from the bed and turned to Edward.

"Brother don't be an idiot!" He hollered, effectively getting Edward's surprised attention. "You're so busy being the brooding, miserable artist that you can't see happiness when it's standing in your damn shop!"

Edward swallowed hard, knowing that seeing his younger brother yell was a rare sight that demanded full attention.

"You're acting like yourself again for the first time in years and its because of this Winry person! Why would you push that away?"

It was Edward's turn to shout.

"Al you know why I can't trust anyone! You know exactly why I can't be with anyone ever again!"

"This isn't about betrayal Ed, it's about HER. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud but we're both thinking it: Noah is GONE. She's not standing in your way anymore! You can actually move on so do it!"

"WHAT IF SHE WANTS KIDS ALPHONSE?!" Edward roared at his brother. "What if Winry wants kids! You know I can't do that! You know I can't—"

His voice broke and his head fell in his hands, the events of the day and the memories of a tortured life finally catching up with Edward. He sat on the bed again tried to stop the tears to no avail, as Alphonse looked on equally glassy-eyed and placed a supportive hand on Edward's shoulder.

"Brother, you can't continue like this. When you tell me about Winry and how you feel when you're around her, you sound more optimistic than I've heard in years. You're different. You need to accept the fact that you're in love with Winry."

"—NO. I'm not. Al, I'm not -I can't." He stammered through the tears.

"You are Edward. I can't make you act on it, but a life without love is no life at all, and from what you told me it sounds like Winry needs you just as much as you need her."

Alphonse placed the empty scotch glass on a nearby table and turned to leave, but stopped at the door.

"What about the little voice?" He asked. Edward looked up at him.

"What?"

"The little voice you get. The one that told you not to pass Winry to another artist, the one that told you Winry needed your help. The one that told you to draw flowers."

Edward squeezed his eyes shut and hung his head as his brother continued to torture him with the truth.

"Ed, what's the little voice telling you now?"

Winry sat in the living room of her new sublet with her boxes, tool kits, and trash bags of clothes around her. The money that Edward let her keep was a blessing, and she used it to pay for a 2 month sublet on Varick st. The tiny studio was closer to work and a stepping stone to a fresh start where Archer wouldn't be able to find her, and it couldn't have come at a better time since she was no longer on speaking terms with Edward. She knew of course that if something happened and she needed help that Ed wouldn't feed her to the wolves, but she was serious when she made the decision to stand on her own again and Edward had already helped her with that immensely; Winry's tattoo was healing nicely and it had supercharged her confidence seemingly overnight.

The weather was turning cooler as September rolled in, so she wouldn't be breaking out the tube tops any time soon, but she beamed with happiness knowing that next spring she could comfortably wear them in the shop without feeling self-concious about her scars and she wouldn't have to sweat her ass of in a long sleep jumpsuit that zipped up to her neck anymore. She could go to the beach with friends and wear a bikini without the gasps or stares from strangers, because they wouldn't see scars, they would see Ed's beautiful artwork. For the first time in years, Winry was ecstatically happy.

Unfortunately the one person she wanted to share it with the most was the person she still couldn't convince to be honest with her. It soured her joy only a little, Winry wouldn't allow things not working out between her and Ed to ruin her new life, and since her sublet was an 8 minute walk from Alchemy, she knew the day would come that she would bump into him randomly on the street somewhere, and she would be ready with her painted smile.

Or at least, that's what she was telling herself would happen. As opposed to running in the other direction, or ducking behind a halal truck at the first sight of him to avoid having to pretend life was amazing and she wasn't missing him horribly.

Missing him every second, of every day.

Especially at night.

It had been just barely two weeks since her tattoo was finished and she bade Edward farewell, and she wasn't sure if her assumption that she'd be over him by now was hopeful optimism or a delusional fantasy. Winry tried to rationalize it out loud during the day, telling herself that it was just a gorgeous face and great body, but then at night should would think of that strong body and its ability to protect her from Archer who was still out there. She would tell herself that Edward had too much baggage and she didn't have time for that, but when she looked at her back in the mirror she would remember how unafraid he was of her issues and how devoted he was to bringing her piece. He was a torturous mystery, and it seemed to her he would forever stay that way until one night while she lay asleep, only to be woken by the soft buzzing of her phone on the floor. Eyes still hooded and bleary, she barely had the chance to fully wake before reading the screen and answering the call.

"Edward?"

She was met with only breathing for a moment, and then his voice was there. Soft and tired, but it was him.

*Noah died. The day I finished your back was the day she overdosed.*

Winry gasped, unable to find the right words, but Edward continued.

*She made life so… so hard. I loved her… We had a life together… I had plans for us… But she just couldn't wait for me.*

"Edward where are you?" Winry interjected, frightened by the fragile state of his voice and wondering if he needed help.

*I'm home, I'm at the studio. I know I said we shouldn't talk to each other anymore but….* He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

His hand raked through his dirty loose hair as bleary golden eyes fell to the half empty bottle that sat near him. Ed lay on the studio's old ornate rug on his back, letting the glow from the moonlight wash over him. He couldn't drink the way he did in his wild teenage years. These days only a few glasses of brandy would be enough to render him useless the following day. The military had given him the discipline he'd desperately needed as an adolescent. Those teenage years were his first tastes of freedom same as everyone else, but for him it was greater because he'd been an adult since he was a child. Losing your mother to illness before your tenth birthday was hard enough, but a negligent work-a-colic father who would pass out at his desk and forget to feed his children was what drove Edward to grow up too quickly. Clothes would be left soiled if Edward didn't clean them -little bellies empty if Edward didn't cook. He and Alphonse wouldn't even get to school if it weren't for Edward waking up to prepare his little brother and himself before getting on the school bus. He and his father would argue -when his father cared enough to even get angry, and Ed would find 10 dollars here, 20 dollars there, whatever he could sneak from his father without suspicion to buy food for himself and Alphonse.

After school programs provided the safe haven Alphonse needed where he could devote himself to learning, and Edward would stay with him simply so that neither of them would ever have to be alone with their father. But 13 and 14 proved to be wild and reckless for the elder brother who would spend his time smoking and drinking under the football field bleachers while he waited for his little brother. Meeting Scar and becoming his shop apprentice was the first time Edward had devoted himself to something that would better him, and the lessons he learned came in handy at 16 when he met Noah. She was vibrant and smart and desperate to see the world, but the drugs she experimented with in efforts to open her mind would eventually ruin her, robbing her of her scholarship to the School of Visual Arts in New York City. Edward's desire to help her the way Scar had helped him drove the growing passion he had for her, but continuing tension with his father drove Edward to reckless abandon out of spite. Class attendance was down, his grades plummeting, drugs became more and more enticing to him as a way to escape. It only worsened when Scar informed him that his shop was moving out of state leaving Edward with nothing productive to do apart from trying to keep from flunking and desperately holding his studious little brother's head above water. His highest high came at 17, when Alphonse was granted early admission to college. Sheer pride for Al surged Ed back into caring about his own grades. His joy would be short-lived however, for once Alphonse left for college, an 18 year-old Edward was met at home one night by his father informing him that he was no longer his problem and would be a granted a week to figure out where he was going. Edward spent 10 days on Noah's parent's couch before he'd enlisted in the Army and asked Noah to marry him.

Winry sat up on her mattress on the floor and curled her hair behind her ear with nervous excitement.

"I've thought about you too. I thought I might never see you again, but then I feared that I would and I'd have to pretend that I'm alright when I'm not."

*Are you in trouble?* He asked.

"No, I'm safe. I'm just sad. I miss you. I'm not supposed to miss you but I do. I'm not supposed to be telling you this."

Ed's weary heart squeezed in his chest. After everything, after the way they fought, after the terrible things he'd said, she still missed him.

*Tell me everything, please.* He implored.

"I've told you enough, it's you who needs to open up." Winry said with a sigh. "Somethings happening between us, but I can't trust you if you continue to keep secrets from me. I need to know if theres another woman in your life. I need to know who's name is on your ribs, because it wasn't Noah's."

Edward swallowed the lump in his throat and breathed deep. This was the time. He'd agonized over it for days, especially after the onslaught from his brother, and came to the conclusion that if he didn't at least try when it came to Winry he would spend the rest of his miserable life wondering 'what if'. He staggered to his feet in the dark studio and moved to sit on the couch, gazing out the front window and down onto the quiet street as he spoke to her.

*Noah and I had a daughter together. Her name was Nina, and she was my whole world. My first tour of duty resulted in the loss of my limbs and one of my closest friends, and Noah was already struggling with life as a military spouse. She had a drinking problem, she was lonely, and she was unfaithful. She cheated on me while I was in Afghanistan. I had known about her issues and had done everything I could and called in every favor to try and get her help from where I was on the other side of the world, but Noah didn't want to get better so I couldn't do much for her. I filed for divorce, but was unable to get Nina relocated to my brother's house or even to Noah's parents, because we were stuck in a custody dispute that I had to deal with while being at WAR. When I was finally out of the hospital the military sent me home and in that time I used every ounce of energy I had to try and gain full custody of Nina, but courts are reluctant to remove children from mothers and I was sworn to secrecy by Noah's parents that I wouldn't let the divorce become a media circus. They were giving me the money I needed to start over so long as I kept things quiet, and even if I betrayed them and told the courts of Noah's adultery and drinking habits, it still wouldn't have guaranteed me full custody because I was an active duty soldier, and a successful automail surgery meant I had another deployment coming up. It was during my second tour in Afghanistan that my whole life ended.*

Winry sat transfixed by his story, but feared for the ending as he took a shaky breath and continued with a raspy, sorrowful voice.

*I'll never forgive Noah…. I'll never fucking forgive her for leaving Nina alone with him. Nina was home sick, she had an illness for a while that kept her home from school. Noah decided that she needed more beer and just couldn't wait, and instead of sending her fuckboy out for it, she left him home with my daughter.*

Edward's voice grew angry and bitter, bringing the slowly rising panic in Winry's chest to nearly overflow as her hand flew to her mouth. She regretted having ever asked, and no longer wanted him to finish.

*You know what happened? He passed out. He shot up a bunch of heroin, lit a cigarette, and fucking fell asleep on the living room couch. He burned my home to the ground with my little girl sick in bed.*

Tears fell freely down Winry's skin and she struggled to steady her breathing. Of all the things he could have told her, in a million years she could never imagine something so horrible.

"Edward stop." She begged, but he ignored her, and instead gave her exactly what she asked for. She wanted the truth? He would give her the ugly, awful truth of all his suffering.

*Oh, and you wanna know the best part?!* He shouted, misery and brandy unwinding him. Ed's blurry consciousness didn't care about the blow he was about to deliver, he was tired and tortured and so so pissed off that she had that fucking book all along, and so with a bitter laugh and a falling tear, he swung.

*I WON the custody battle, Winry. In three months I was going home and would be taking my 4 year old away from her train wreck of a mother to finally have the life she deserved. In three goddamn months!*

The force of impact shattered his cellphone against the opposing wall, and the stale silence of the dropped line wrenched on Winry's heart violently as the tears flowed freely. She couldn't hold back her sobs any longer; she cried out of shame for prying. She cried for Edward, for Noah, and for little Nina, who's name was forever etched into the skin of her father, who loved her more than life itself.

A/N: I've been gone for so long and I'm sorry. This story is really hard to write. I can't tell you all how much it means that you've stuck with me, your reads and reviews are the world to me. Theres only a few chapters left, I promise to get them out as quickly as I can. Feel free to visit my tumblr page (c-mary-c dot tumblr dot com). I'll be back soon!