"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." –Bhagavad Gita

Scaevitas

Naruto rushed into his apartment with an anxiety of a one on the verge of collapsing. His muscles shook though they were not fatigued, body trembling as he brought his arms up and wrapped them around his torso. Falling to his knees, he clutched the window sill as he tried to comfort himself, desperately wishing for the calm that he had not felt since he had traveled back.

It was harder than he thought, being normal -monster- being who he once was, watching them be who they once were.

It was not just seeing the faces of those who were dead and lost, but the encounter with Madara had scarred him more deeply than he ever thought possible. Deeper than he was willing to admit. Sitting in between Kiba and Shikamaru, two of his precious people that he logically knew would never hurt him, had been difficult.

His legs had twitched and bounced, muscles engaging as if to flee in a moments notice. Grinding his teeth had left him with a tension headache that even now pounded against his temples. The pain from his claws digging into his palms helped to keep him grounded and in the moment, not in the then…not with him. Being in close proximity to anyone after what that twisted Uchiha had done to him had taken more self-control then he knew he had.

-Hands gliding on bare flesh, biting into skin, leaving bruises in their wake. "So beautiful," whispered words, vile, unwanted. Fingers digging, seeking, taking. Nudge, pain filled whimpers, laughter coming from his tormentor. "Tell me you want it, beg me for it."

Words pleading, "No, please," and "Stop!" More laughter. Pushing, pushing, pushing. The sound of skin slapping bare skin, harsh grunting, guttural laughing. Tears, pain, and blood. "No, Please!"-

He had been a guest of Madara's for nearly two weeks while his people had prepared for the bijuu extraction. The man had not been idle with his prisoner in all of that time. Less than two weeks, that was all it took to break him. He had been tortured before, but what Madara had done was nowhere close to what he had ever experienced.

Before, it had been about information. Others hurt him to get him to talk. Madara did not want his knowledge, he wanted his pain. The only words he had wanted the jinchuuriki to speak were not base locations or unit schedules, it was to hear him beg. And Naruto had…he had begged until his voice turned hoarse.

Sitting there, so close to other people, left him in a state of hyper awareness and combat alertness. He had to repeatedly remind himself that these were his friends, they would never hurt him like that. But it did not stop him from shaking the entire time, sweat beading down his neck and face pale.

Naruto could not believe that no one had noticed how close he was to plunging into a full mental breakdown. It was only because of Kurama's constant dialogue of random topics that he was able to stop himself from slitting Kiba's throat when the Inuzuka leaned to close. It made something heavy settle in his chest when he thought upon how close he actually came to killing his friend. He hated what he had become, the monster that he had turned into whose first reaction was to kill.

That was what he was now: a monster.

Uncomfortable as he was around others, he tried to sit away from the majority of the students. Last time -first time- he had sat next to Sasuke, argued with Sakura, accidentally kissed the bastard, and then was beaten to a pulp by nearly the entire female population. Instead, he sat on the other side of the classroom, trying to catch sight of his old teammates from the corner of his eye.

He saw Sasuke first, black hair and bored eyes. His whole posture screamed nonchalant, the poster boy for a tragic past. The girls swooned in the presence of the Uchiha heir and were not put off by his cold and distant attitude. For some reason it seemed to endear them even more to the boy, believing that behind his icy exterior was a heart of gold.

There was no heart of gold, it was just a pale red organ. A thing of muscle and tissue that pumped blood and was so intrinsically fragile. Naruto knew so first hand. He had held the organ in his own fist, felt the blood pump around his fingers before it crushed under the pressure of his rasengan.

-"Teme!" Screaming, muscles twitch, exhaustion leaking from pores like rain from clouds. "Don't make me do this!"

Scoff, haughty look, disinterest…disgust. "Dobe."

Thousands of birds chirping, lightning screeching in palm. Quickly, gather what chakra is left. Not enough time, not enough. Lunge…pain. Collapsed lung, chidori crackling, dissipates. Thump thump-

They had leapt at each other, Jiraiya's rasengan versus Kakashi's chidori, wielded by their students. Sasuke had missed, fist just a little too far to the right, punching through Naruto's lung rather than his heart.

Naruto had not missed. For several long seconds he felt the heart beat within his grasp before it exploded and Sasuke had fallen limp with a smile on his face and a fond 'dobe' on his bloodied lips. He wondered, even to this day, if the Uchiha had intentionally hit him in a non-vital area but had died before the jinchuuriki could ask.

He had dragged Sasuke's body back to Konoha, broken and bleeding, barely alive himself. Naruto's hospital stay was long and Kakashi was his only constant visitor. He did not see Sakura until he was four days recovered and eating ramen between his two teachers. Iruka and Kakashi bickered back and forth over his head like an old married couple, fondness coloring their tone of indignation.

Sakura had walked in and their eyes met for several long moments and Naruto felt his heart flutter in a way that reminded him of what Sasuke's had done right before it stopped. She looked tired, face slack in exhaustion from too many nights of no sleep. He twisted in his seat, muscles gathering to stand and approach her but when he blinked she was gone, the waiving curtain and flash of pink hair the only proof she had ever been there.

Kakashi and Iruka pretended not to notice, bickering louder as if to pull the very tension out of the air. Naruto loved them for that, their silent support as he felt their shoulders brushing his. It would take a long time before Sakura could look at him with anything other than carefully concealed emotions. Naruto did not believe that she ever truly forgave him for what he did that day, not even up to the moment she died.

That was okay though…Naruto never forgave himself either.

Compared to Sasuke, looking at Sakura was almost easy. Her pink hair flashed in the bright sun -long, not short- and Naruto could not remember ever seeing her so happy. She and Ino were yanking at each other, trying to take the only available seat next to their love competition. When his eyes caught Ino's for just a moment Naruto turned away quickly and tried to hide the tears that started to build.

-"Ino!" Voice desperate. Hold her back, can't let her go near.

"No, Sakura. It's a trap!" Hands grasping deceptively fragile arms, yanking away, away, away!

"Please," whispered words, broken on the wind. Oh gods, alive! She's alive! "Please," cough of blood down naked chest, splattered alabaster skin. Spikes of tree roots digging through muscle. Mounted like a prized trophy, exposed, bleeding, dying. "Please."

"Ino! Naruto, let me go, she's still alive!" Yanking, pulling, can't let her go near. "I can save her!"

"No," pull her away. "Sakura, it's a trap!"

"We can't just leave her!" Desperate. Why can't you understand? She's precious, one of the last few. "Naruto?" Wavers, unsure. "What are you doing? N-no, no! You can't! Naruto! NO!"

Thunk, hollowed sound. Kunai through brain, dead. She's dead, not alive. Sakura can't go near, must not. She screams.-

They had left her mounted upon tree roots that pierced through muscle and flesh but not any part of her that was vital. He did not want to think on how long she had been there, naked in the elements, before he and Sakura had stumbled upon her. It could have been hours…it could have been days. They had just enough time to set fire to her corpse before fleeing. Sakura had been crying so hard she could not see and Naruto was forced to carry her. She had slapped his hand away when he offered at first and that had hurt more than he thought it could, but in the end she accepted his help.

She had never forgiven him for what he had done that day either.

Naruto looked away from them, fixing his gaze upon the desk instead. When Iruka came in to announce teams he shouted and cheered, made unnecessary noise and was able to skate under the radar by standing out in true Naruto Uzumaki fashion.

He kept his eyes on the board or the desk, sometimes the wall. Seeing people from the corner of his eyes was easier than looking directly at them. In those moments he could almost pretend that everything was normal, that he was normal -monster- and that nothing had happened to them…that they had not all died and left him.

Oh gods, they had left him. They had left him and he was alone, alone, alone!

"Stop!" Kurama's voice echoed in the silence of his mind. "Do not."

So he stopped, forcing the corners of his mouth to pull just a little further and laugh as Ino and Sakura shouted at each other. Everyone around him started to gather into their groups, smiles turning their lips up in a way that was so much more natural than the facsimile that Naruto portrayed.

So that is what happy looks like…

They all began to disperse for lunch and Naruto watched Iruka-sensei leave first, a pile of scrolls gathered under one arm. His chest got tight again but he looked away before he did something stupid like cry or lunge at his friend, cling to him and never let go. Soon, he was the only one left in the room as Sasuke exited with a gaggle of girls trailing after, lashes fluttering on rosy cheeks, trying to get his attention.

Naruto would have been amused if he was not so broken, hands fisted in his hair as he tried to pull his sanity back into place. His chakra began to flutter in unease but Kurama ruthlessly grappled it back into place, leaving his nerve endings tingling. The flare caused his henge to start to slip so he quickly recast it just as Sakura hesitantly shuffled back into the room.

She looked flustered, two bright red spots on her cheeks that spread down her neck. He knew that the flush would stretch all the way to the top of her bosom. She had gone through a phase of wearing low cut tops like Tsunade in order to use her feminine figure to her advantage. She had caught him staring at them more than once, and at first she had been perturbed and punched him hard enough to bruise for days.

It had taken a long time for Naruto to explain that they catch his attention in the 'they look soft and squishy and nice' sort of way instead of the 'I want to devour them' way. Sakura had never really understood, but she had been caught staring at Naruto's breasts when he employed the sexy jutsu to compare them so she sort of accepted it was just a thing. A weird thing for certain, but nothing sexual.

She became more accepting of it when she discovered that Naruto was more inclined towards the male gender than the female. Soon it was something that they laughed about and told hilarious anecdotes with copious intake of alcohol. Not long after that they were comparing female figures and she was disturbed with how accurate and knowledgeable he was with the female form, but if rumors were true he had been raised next to a brothel.

Occasionally, Sakura forgot that he was in fact male and he just became Naruto: her friend, brother, and only the once was he a lover. That whole situation was awkward to the extreme and never spoken of again under penalty of death. They blamed the alcohol but both knew that it was loneliness that was the true culprit.

-"We never speak of this again," hissed words with soft voice, pink hair ruffled, hands yanking clothes on. Where did my pants go? "Agreed?" Not a question, demand of compliance.

"No arguments here," distracted. How did they get up there? "It was, huh," hesitant. Iruka never talked about this. What to say, do? "So, this happened, and it was, huh…nice?"

Scoff, hands tying back hair. "Was that a question? I'll have you know I am fantastic in bed," brag, truth. Turn, hesitant smile, teasing. "You were not so bad yourself…but never again."-

Kakashi would have laughed at them, teased until they burst a blood vessel from blushing so much. But he was two years dead and could not harass them about anything. His orange book covered in blood secured in Naruto's flak jacket, safe but never opened. Sometimes, Naruto would pull it out and just stare at it, fingers ghosting over the red stained cover. He would catch Sakura looking at the pocket he kept it in, a melancholy expression darkening her features.

They never spoke about what had happened with Kakashi, the grief always just on the side of too thick. Speaking the words would have made it real. Keeping the conversation -the declaration- locked beneath quivering throats, they could almost pretend their once sensei was just late from a mission. They could pretend that he would plop himself down by their campfire any second and they would scream about his tardiness while he came up with a lame excuse.

Being butchered and disjointed was a good excuse as any. Kakashi had been dismembered like one would dress a deer after a hunt. Each joint laid out on the forest floor in the anatomically correct position if separated by a quarter inch, wrapped in pale red ribbons. The only thing missing was his implanted eye.

When the tears had blurred his eyes, Naruto could almost make himself believe that Kakashi was merely sleeping. Sakura was nearly catatonic in shock as Naruto kneeled down, fingers untying the ribbon over the Anbu tattoo on Kakashi's bicep before retying it on his own. Closing his one eye, he let fingers ghost over the copy-nin's exposed face before he set his body on fire.

It was not the first time he had seen his sensei's face, but it was the first time he had seen it twisted in such agony. The damage to each joint showed signs of struggle. Naruto refused to think on how far the enemy had gotten up Kakashi's limbs before the man had died from blood loss.

"Do not,"a reminder, soft but insistent. Naruto turned to Sakura instead.

"Are you okay, Sakura-chan?" He asked hesitantly, unsure of his welcome with this younger Sakura. She looked up at him, startled, pink hair fanning behind her and catching the light in a way that was entirely too distracting. Her eyes were wet, rimmed red like she had been rubbing at them.

"What are you doing here?" She questioned harshly, hands turning into fists as her posture shifted into something more aggressive and less insecure.

Naruto blinked at her, his attention momentarily absorbed by the strange sensation of the horizontal slide of his additional eye lid. "I never left," he admitted softly, still seated at the desk near the back. Her glare seemed to die than, a look of tiredness about her that was nothing like the one she would gain years from now. "Are you okay?"

He tried to pose the question as softly and unobtrusive as possible. After a moment it seemed to work as Sakura deflated, sighing loudly as she ran a hand through her hair. She walked up the steps like she was carrying a heavy weight before she took a seat below and in front of Naruto's.

She had perched herself on the desk facing him so she was more or less at eye level. He smiled at her softly as she stared at him, the corners of her eyes were creased in the way that he had come to recognize. Sakura had made some sort of decision for herself. It was then that he knew something had happened, only one person could make her look the way she did now.

"Did something happen with Sasuke?" He asked delicately, dropping the teme at the end in order to avoid a fight. Even when furious or hurt because of the Uchiha, she would defend every small slight to his character.

She flinched, eyes darting down and to the side. Sakura looked…sad. He hated when she looked sad. Her lack of an answer confirmed his suspicion. His gut twisted uncomfortably, unsure on how to continue. Part of him wanted to console her like he had so many times after Ino died, changing his form to female and spending the day painting their nails and gossiping like women. It was embarrassing, but sometimes Sakura needed a friend that was a girl to do girl things with and Naruto would make himself into a toad if it made her happy.

He could not do that now though. They did not have history anymore. But he refused to react like he would have when he really was this young and innocent. That would only infuriate Sakura and alienate himself further.

Instead he chose to try to distract her. "You ever hear on the legendary sannin?" He questioned after a long moment of awkward silence. He smiled in triumph when she turned to him in confusion. Crossing his arms on the desk, he rested his chin on them as he just started talking about everything that came to mind. Mostly he talked about Tsunade.

Sakura was young still, but she flourished when she had a role model. That was what she needed now, someone besides Sasuke to look up too. Naruto could not be that person, not now, and he knew he was pushing things much earlier, but it was never too soon to better yourself. Perhaps Sakura would do better if she straightened herself out sooner rather than later. Only time would tell.

They were still talking when the students started to trail back in. The pink kunoichi looked up in surprise at the sudden influx of people, eyes darting to the clock as she broke off mid question. Nearly an hour had passed since she returned to the classroom and in all that time not once had she thought of Sasuke and his cruel words to her.

Her eyes darted back to the resident dead last, brow scrunching as she scrutinized him. Naruto just smiled softly back at her, almost indulgently. It made her stomach flutter in a surprisingly pleasant way, which in turn made her scowl at him. He just laughed and flicked his hand as if waving her away. Sakura scoffed, but she hopped off the desk to sit next to Ino. His smile slid off into something sharper, more deprecating when her back was turned.

Groups began to cluster together in pockets as they awaited their jounin-sensei. Shikamaru sighed loudly as he dropped into the seat next to the time traveler. He seemed to almost melt into the action, chest raising before his whole body sagged as the air left him in a loud exhale.

Naruto turned to look at him, but the boy's eyes were closed and he appeared to be almost asleep. He turned away before his mind tried to overlap the Shikamaru that was here and the one that had been there.

"Stop." He turned to face the front of the room.

Iruka did not return as there was no need. Each student was awaiting their new teacher and since they were genin and were technically considered adults, they could be left unsupervised. Naruto was unsure if he was relieved that his old sensei had left or disappointed. Something frantic was clawing at his chest the longer his adoptive brother stayed away.

He was fighting with his mind, trying to convince himself that just because he could not see the man did not mean he was dead. His mind did not want to listen. "Stop!"

Naruto stopped, blue eyes closing as he laid his head on the desk. He stretched his senses and followed the chakra signatures of those around him. With how high strung he was, Naruto could not afford to be surprised or caught off guard. It may just mean the death of someone if he was not careful.

The wait was long, almost agonizingly so as one team after the other began to trickle out. The sun had shifted lower in the sky by the time team seven was left alone. Sasuke was by the window, leaning against its frame as he stared dispassionately out at the village. Sakura was flipping through a beauty magazine, gaze disinterested and face set to bored.

Naruto debated with himself for a long time before he finally sighed and stood from his seat. Sakura glanced at him curiously as he approached the blackboard, studying the erasers before settling on the dustiest. Something almost genuine pulled the corner of his mouth up as he dragged the small step ladder to the door and positioned the eraser in the threshold.

He hated being short again. Naruto never quite reached Kakashi's impressive five foot ten, but he still had been a fair is slightly below average five six. Currently he was a short four foot seven. Putting the ladder back, he sighed softly in annoyance.

Sakura finally put the magazine away and walked over to him. "Naruto…" she sighed the word, drawing it out until it sounded like it had a dozen syllables.

"Come on, Sakura," he countered, equally exasperated. Sasuke turned to look at them but did not bother to leave the window. "He's jounin, the prank is harmless."

"You'll give him a bad impression," she pressed, arms crossed and stance indignant.

Naruto crossed his own arms, posture bordering between defensive and cocky. "What about him giving us a bad impression. He is late, and I mean not even by a little," he waved his hand as if to indicated time within the length of the motion. They had been waiting for quite a while.

"Maybe he is busy," she replied before she turned to the door. "Besides, we are adults now, we don't have time for such childish pranks." Sakura reached for the door to put the eraser back when a hand beat her to it. The door opened and the eraser dropped on the man's head, sending chalk dust flying before it clattered to the floor. Sakura turned her glare to Naruto and the boy darted out of reach.

That tight feeling was back in his chest as he watched Kakashi-sensei step into his trap, orange book in hand -no blood stains- and bored expression on his one visible eye. Naruto's heart fluttered, almost arrhythmic as he forced himself to laugh while dodging Sakura's slow attempts to hit him.

A headache started to press into his temples again as his eyes hungrily took in the wild silver hair, hitai-ate over the sharingan, and mask over the perfectly sculpted face that was marred only by the scar that started on his eyebrow and went all the way to his chin.

He fought back the thick feeling in his throat and wetness in his eyes as Kakashi body-flickered to the roof. Naruto did not realize until that moment how badly he missed the man who he believed he would have come to love.

Kakashi never knew about the crush that had started to form just a few short years before his death. At first Naruto thought it was admiration that had taken a slight turn into an obsession. It was not until Sakura started to tease him about his puppy love and how adorable it was that he was crushing on their old sensei that the pieces started to click. They never spoke of it beyond the once and the sly comments that she made on the side, but the feeling stuck.

Naruto had been gathering his courage to tell Kakashi that he thought he may have been falling in love with the man…but then he had died. The shinobi was unsure whether it was better that way, confession left unsaid. Sakura did not seem to think so.

He remembered the first time he had seen the silver haired jounin without his mask. They had been sharing a tent for years after Konoha had been destroyed. It was easier that way. At first they did it because of shortages, people doubling and even tripling up in tents meant for one. But even after their group started to dwindle and the deaths kept piling on top until they left behind mountains of bodies and there were more tents than people…it was just easier to keep sharing.

That was where his crush probably started. Kakashi, when tired or relaxed enough, cuddled. He liked to hold something when he slept, and out of convenience that something was usually Naruto. It also had the added benefit of keeping the jinchuuriki still. Naruto moved a lot in his sleep, but not when being held.

Through trial and error they learned that Kakashi could not stand to wake with a weight holding him down. Sometimes he floundered around when he awoke in a panic, only once did he attack Naruto. Being the little spoon would have made him feel cross if he had not been in desperate need of physical contact as well. He just chose to conveniently ignore the fact that with Kakashi, sleep seemed to come easy.

After he died, sleep did not come at all.

The day he had seen Kakashi's face was as normal as any other. They disentangled themselves and Naruto went to dress while Kakashi retrieved breakfast. Sharing such a small space, the jinchuuriki had plenty of opportunity to peek, but by that time it just seemed wrong to do so. Kakashi-senpai had joined him in their too small tent, handed him what he thought was porridge, possibly oatmeal, and pulled down his own mask to eat.

Naruto had been so lost in his own world, spoon shifting around the colorless slop that he had not seemed to notice until his old sensei was nearly done with his own meal. When he did finally realize no words of joy came out, no exclamations of I-told-you-so, no shouts of finally. He just smiled. Kakashi smiled back, and Naruto could actually see it now, before they finished their breakfast in silence.

Nine days later Kakashi took a team out for reconnaissance and never returned. Naruto took Sakura and his own team for recovery. Kakashi's group was never found but two days later they found Kakashi.

Part of Naruto broke that day, seeing the man that he had come to love brutalized so. Sakura wept for days, drinking until she could no longer think and climbing into her own tent with Ino. Naruto could hear them at night, their moans pulling something from his chest as he curled around the blanket that smelled like Kakashi less and less each day.

They fucked, their coupling brutal and animalistic. Even though they did not love each other, Ino and Sakura tried to make love like they did. It was not quite right, just on the side of too savage to be anything resembling love, but it made them feel a little less broken and it was all they had. When Ino died Sakura moved into his tent, bringing the pillow that smelled like her blonde lover and curling into his arms.

Naruto understood and welcomed her company. Still he did not sleep.

When Naruto finally pulled himself away from the window, it was nearly dark. Stripping bare, he tried to relax back into the bed. The mattress was too soft, the sheets too thick, the room to open. He buried his nose into the pillow, trying in vain to catch Kakashi's scent just like he had done every night for the past three years.

Except this night it was not in vain. He raised himself from the bed, nose in the air as he took tentative sniffs. It was the scent of ozone that caught him first, fresh rain on green grass, cinnamon baked with sugar, dogs' fresh from bath.

Kakashi…

He pulled himself from his bed, following the scent to his kitchen table, through his cupboards, by his fridge, in his closet. Another scent overlapped his, smoke and parchment, aged wine and old books.

Hokage…

Just what were they doing in his apartment? They had been careful not to touch anything, everything was just how he left it that morning. Confusion set in, blue eyes darting out the window and into the night. The moonlight and shadows revealed nothing.

Naruto's eyes narrowed. He could not remember if this had happened before and that unsettled him. He would have to be much more careful if his sensei was in the habit of invading his students' homes. After a while he gave up trying to decipher their purpose through the scents they had left behind.

Crawling back into bed, sleep came slow to him. With Kakashi's scent heavy in the air, he almost expected to feel an arm wind its way around his stomach and pull him back into a strong chest. When it did not happen, his own chest tightened, making it difficult to breathe.

Finally, when he did sleep, his dreams were unkind. He did not scream or cry out, but his rest was broken and tortured. When he awoke, Kakashi's scent was nearly gone, carried out the open window in the morning breeze. Naruto could not decide if it was better that way or not.