"Stop trying to throw logic at nightmares. Sometimes the monsters are real. Sometimes they're real and the only way to defeat them is to be the bigger monster." –Laurell K. Hamilton

Somnium

The noon day sun was shining brightly in the cloudless sky, a gentle breeze dancing among the leaves in the forest, brushing sunshine yellow hair out of a sweaty and dirty face. Naruto Uzumanki's sky blue eyes were riveted on the back of his unmarred left hand as if expecting to see something that was not there. He momentarily pulled his gaze over to the two unconscious men tied to the tree before he once again found himself staring at the back of his hand. Something should be there…should it not?

Naruto knew his memory was spotty at best, but he did remember the demon brothers…and the back of a hand…hishand? Perhaps…most likely. It was supposed to be bleeding, that was what had happened the first time. He had been injured, poisoned? Why was it so hard to remember?

There was a pool of water, a puddle in the sun after days of no rain. He knew that his team engaged the demon brothers and then later Zabuza…but the in between was what left his head feeling fuzzy. The images came disjointed and out of focus, even more so than his memories of a before that had not yet happened.

They burst from the puddle and Naruto was reacting before he could control himself. He had worked all morning on his look of befuddled surprise while Sasuke slept beside him. He trained his face to go slack in shock at a moment's notice and on command. All of that preparation and training was lost the second those chains went straight for Kakashi.

Logically, Naruto knew that his sensei came out of the fight unharmed since he remembered the man fighting Zabuza later on, but in that moment when the chains burst from the puddle and curved around to wrap Kakashi between their serrated edges Naruto had acted without thought. The kunai left his fingers, slicing through the air and clattering against both chains before he even realized that he had thrown them…before he could remember to only act surprised. It was too late now, he thought, as Kakashi stepped out of the way of the follow up attack.

Naruto had grimaced even as he fell back into the manji formation with Sasuke in front and Sakura to the far left. Kakashi had played with the brothers, goading one and then the other to draw the fight out. He would even let one 'slip' past his defense to engage the genin in order to see how his students handled the situation. Kakashi was, first and foremost, a teacher after all.

Sasuke was the one that switched to offence when one of the demon brothers got too close, Naruto and Sakura shifting to take up a musubime formation more suited to a two person defense. Even as Naruto fought to keep himself still, he had cursed himself for his slip. His reaction had been too quick, too skilled to be anything but a finely-honed reflex to a live combat situation.

His aim could be attributed to long hours of practice, but his response time was another matter and Naruto knew that he would be paying later for that slip up. After all, Kakashi's summons were dogs for more reasons than his loyalty and laid back personality. He was also tenacious, and when a new scent caught his attention, he would follow it so far down the rabbit hole that the poor creature at the end had no chance of escape. Naruto just hoped that he could come out the other end alive and preferably unharmed.

The hanyou clenched his undamaged fist, nails biting into his palm as he shook off the feeling of discontent. Even now he could not believe Kakashi would ever truly harm him, did not want too, but he had to remember that this was not his Kakashi. Just the thought that his senpai, the man who trained and fought and bled with him could ever hurt him left him feeling bitter and jaded and just absolutely disgusted with himself. But he had not bled with this Kakashi. Naruto had not fought with him, not trained with him in the way they used to back before everything had gone to shit and Konoha had burned.

-"Is that all you got, chibi?" Harsh pants…so tired, can't get enough air. "Again!" Snapped, impatient…

"I need-" Breathe, sharp, thick, clean. "Just a moment, Kashi."

Head tilted, hair falling over eye, amused. "I'll buy you ramen."

"Yatta!" Yelled, excited. Cool air on hot skin, sweat trickling down. "Let's do this!"-

Tazuna's voice drowned out his thoughts and Naruto finally pulled his attention away from his unmarred hand and back into the present. The bridge builder was perspiring at an alarming rate, even in this heat, and his voice caught in his throat several times as he nervously explained his situation. Sakura had a patent worried look plastered on her blotchy skin that made something dangerously close to affection flutter in Naruto's chest as her expression morphed into one of determination.

Sasuke on the other hand looked on in what Naruto knew to be feigned indifference. The boy never changed, even when he became a man, a friend…a traitor. The jinchuuriki fought the grimace wanting to twist his features as he turned away from the Uchiha. He could not believe that Sasuke was still a sore spot in his heart, even after all this time, even after he had plunged his hand into his best friend's chest and pulled out his own beating heart. Even after the organ had shredded in the dying rasengan and-

No, stop! Stop thinking that, don't remember-

But he did, he remembered how the heart had been wet and beating and warm before it was pulverized in his fist and Sasuke had just looked at him, blood thick in his mouth as he coughed a found dobe. His expression had been soft, eyes almost sad as the one hand that had gripped his shoulder went slack and the other slid out from where it was buried in Naruto's chest.

The tears were hot in his eyes as Naruto bit his lip harshly, turning away to look anywhere else as he shoved his trembling hands into his pockets, rubbing his palm into the fabric as if he could wipe away the phantom sensation of the slick muscle that was still in Sasuke's chest and not his fist.

Monsters do not cry…they do not get to.

A flash of orange caught his attention and Naruto found himself drawn to Kakashi as the man slipped his Icha Icha into his front pocket, annoyance creasing the corner of his one visible eye as Tazuna rambled on about the misfortune of his small village. Even though his attention seemed to be fully upon the alcoholic architect, Naruto suspected that he was also being watched just as closely. His sensei had this way of watching something intently without ever really looking at it.

Naruto had worked alongside Kakashi long enough to know when he was doing his watching without looking technique and right now, Kakashi was watching him. He was careful to keep his face neutral as he 'listened' to Tazuna ramble on, but inside he was mess. Naruto knew he had screwed up, knew it in the way that Kakashi watched him, knew it in the way that no one had mentioned his 'rescue' of their sensei.

A grimace flashed across his face, there and gone so fast that he hoped no one noticed as he realized that Kakashi was most likely waiting until they were alone to mention it. If that was how the man wanted to play it, then that was fine…but Naruto did not have to make it easy on him. He would just have to make sure that he was never alone with him. Eventually something else would come along and distract the former anbu, or perhaps he would just get bored and drop it.

Naruto knew that it was unlikely, but he could always hope.

Tazuna begged, his hurried bow pulling Naruto's gaze back to him and away from the masked nin. Kakashi turned to his students, awaiting each of their answers before making a decision. Sasuke was determined to prove himself, Sakura determined to do the right thing, and Naruto feigned excitement at the chance of an adventure.

His arms came up, ruffling his own 'blonde' hair as he bounced in place. It was getting easier, the pretending. Some days it was so incredibly hard to plaster on a smile over his broken expression, the muscles pulling awkwardly as he forced himself to remember what a smile was supposed to feel like. But as the days passed he got used to the pretending, got comfortable with how a smile was supposed to feel like as it slid over his terror, sadness, and apathy.

Sometimes, if he was tired enough, the situation just right, Naruto could almost even trick himself into being happy…almost.

The others started to move, turning to go further down the road and away from Konoha and Naruto stood there for just a moment taking in the view. Sakura with Tazuna, talking to him softly in a stuttering sympathy that was almost endearing. Sasuke leading, his back to him as he walked away…always away. Away from their village, away from his friends, away from Naruto. But here, in this moment, Sasuke was here, with them. And that, that was some kind of amazing and terrifying and everything that Naruto could not even begin to imagine. Because Naruto knew Sasuke, knew him in the way that not even his brother, Itachi, could begin too.

Just the fact that he was here, even for just this moment, was more than anything Naruto could begin to imagine, and he swore to himself that he would not let it end like it had before, in a future that had yet to happen. Sasuke's heart would stay in his chest, beating and whole, and Sasuke would stay in Konoha even if Naruto had to chain him to it.

Something that felt suspiciously like both determination and longing twisted inside his own chest as he gazed upon his two teammates, whole and unbroken, alive and content, unscarred and free to choose their own future. There was a wet heat in his eyes again and Naruto snarled at himself, fists clenched as he fought the burning sentimentality that left an aching hole within him that gaped open to an abyss unfillable.

There was no future like that for him, there could not be if he wanted to save his precious people. There was only ever one path for a monster like him. The shadows, unseen and unloved, shrouded in darkness and clearing a path for those more worthy than he, dirtying himself so they did not have too.

Naruto's skin prickled, goosebumps flushing his arms and making him shiver as it crawled up his spine. He was being watched again, and he knew exactly who was watching him. From the corner of his eye he saw Kakashi, standing close enough to touch, and looking directly at him. Naruto saw him move, saw his arm start to shift and the jinchuuriki darted away to catch up with the others before his sensei could complete the motion.

Whether it was to pull him back for a personal talk or just to ruffle his hair Naruto did not know. Nor did he want too…both were far too dangerous.

0~Page_Break~0

By the time they reached the small fishing town by the lake it was nearing dusk and Sakura was flushed and huffing in exhaustion, Tezuna appearing much the same beside her. They both looked in need of a shower, though Naruto would prioritize the bridge builder as the scent that was coming off of the rather rotund man made his nose crinkle and he actually wished that he had a mask like Kakashi's to filter smell. The sun had been beating down upon them all day, the sweat making the dirt stick to them as it was kicked up from the well-traveled commerce road.

Dirt had never really bothered Naruto, and Sasuke somehow was able to keep himself mostly clean from such things, as had Kakashi. He wondered what their trick was but was not curious enough to ask. The older man and three genin followed their sensei from the lobby and up the rickety stairs, two keys dangling from his fist as he paused at a door to unlock it.

The key had barely turned the lock before Sakura had shoved her way forward, surprising Kakashi enough to slip past him and into the room before anyone had realized she had moved. Naruto blinked in wonder, having never seen her move that fast even in training. Kakashi sighed, hand upon the door as he went to push it open even further, but pink hair whirled in the air, throwing her scent -sunshine, honey nectar, salt water in ocean waves- into the stale hallway as she wedged her foot behind the door so it could be opened no further. A scowl twisted her pink lips as she glared up at her teacher.

"What are you doing?" She asked delicately, tone almost innocent if it were not for the heated edge laced within it.

"Maa, Sakura-chan," Kakashi sighed heavily, leaning one arm on the doorjamb as he hunched over in that way that he did when he talked to them. Naruto was unsure if he did it to appear more on their level or just because he could not be bothered to stand straight when talking to those beneath him. He decided he really did not want to know. "There were only two rooms available."

"And?" She drew the question out in a way that was almost musical, one eyebrow quirking upwards, hands crossing over her chest beneath her barely developing breasts. It made her look more childish, although Naruto suspected she was going for intimidating.

"And…you need to share," Kakashi supplied, also drawing the word out much longer that the one syllable it was designated.

Sakura huffed at him, face twisting from annoyed into scandalized. "I think not," she supplied. "I am a girl, a female," she iterated as if talking to someone mentally deficient. "And you want me to share with not one, but two pubescent males?" Her tone was mocking, but her expression was thunderous.

"Maa, Sakura-cha-"

"Absolutely not!" She snapped, cutting him off.

"The boys can share a bed," Kakashi argued, shoulders slumping as he argued with the child. Sakura just continued to look resolute and unimpressed. Sighing, Kakashi changed tactics. "If you would rather I-"

"Really, sensei?" Naruto found himself cutting in despite his brain telling him just to shut his mouth. "One might think all kinds of scandalous things with that suggestion. Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing?"

The look of horror that passed over Sakura's face would have been amusing if Naruto was not so busy trying to hide his sudden scowl. Kakashi had turned to him slowly, not even bothering to stop Sakura as she made a noise of utter revulsion and slammed the door shut, the lock clicking loudly in the dead silence. Sasuke's face was tinting pink and getting more red by the second while Tazuna was slumped against the wall nearly passed out.

Naruto could not read the expression on Kakashi's face, but he knew it was not good. He grimaced, eyes darting away and to the floor as his brain finally caught up to the implication. Accusing a jounin sensei of what could only be taken as unwanted attraction to their genin student was probably one of the worst things that Naruto could have suggested.

When they had all been older they had teased each other about it, a would you rather or fuck-kill-marry, but here…now, when they were all so young. Naruto grimaced again, apology already on his lips but a weight on his head halted the words. He glanced up quickly, startled into silence as Kakashi gazed at him in amusement, the look from earlier gone as he carded his fingerless gloved hand through Naruto's blonde hair.

"Maa, Naruto," there was no added honorific and Naruto found himself more relieved by its absence than he thought possible. "If I did not know any better, I would think you were jealous." Kakashi teased him lightly, his forefinger and thumb catching a lock, giving it a quick tug before he moved to haul Tazuna back to his feet and to the room that the four of them were to share.

That feeling was back in his chest, that deep aching longing of something he could not have. Because he remembered that, remembered the gentle teasing and fond touches that he had shared with his friends and his team, but mostly he had shared them with Kakashi. And for just a second, that moment between the spaces in a heartbeat, Naruto was back there again, in camp with his Kakashi and smiling as the man gently teased him in fond affection.

He forced his mind away, biting his lip to feel the sting of pain as he pulled himself from those memories. That feeling was dangerous, Naruto knew…and monsters never get that kind of happy ending. Wanting it was what twisted them into something dark and horrible like Orochimaru and Madara. Naruto could not want it, because wanting it made him easy to manipulate and twist.

But he did not know how to force himself to not want it.

It was not until Naruto shuffled behind Sasuke and followed did he realize he had not flinched at the touch of the older man. A frown pulled at his lips, the mask slipping as he closed the door behind him, throwing his pack to the ground next to the others, as he wondered what exactly that meant.

Could he be getting used to touch again? Was the stain of Madara finally starting to be cleansed from his soul? Could it ever be…truly?

Naruto glanced up, the crescent moon illuminating the room in a pale glow as none of them had bothered to turn on the light. Sasuke pressed by him to get to the bathroom, and Naruto shifted immediately out of his way so they did not touch, and yet the thought of accidental contact did not send his mind spiraling into a broken hole of shattered despair.

He contemplated the new development, even as Tazuna passed out unwashed upon the bed nearest to the window, bottle of sake in one hand and his crotch in the other from where he had been scratching himself. Naruto's nose crinkled in disgust, darting into the bathroom for a quick shower and change after Sasuke had vacated it, before he rolled his sleeping bag out between the other bed and bathroom, an answer to his realization still not forthcoming.

They settled rather quickly, Sasuke taking the position next to the window even as Kakashi crawled under the sheets of the second bed. Naruto hoped that his position would give him some cushion if they were attacked, a few precious seconds for him to be reminded how he should react and not how he always did. And the vicinity to the bathroom gave him an opportunity to get up if he had trouble sleeping again.

It had been nearly three nights and still sleep was illusive. The exhaustion was starting to wear on him and he feared that soon even his henge would not be able to hide it. Sasuke shifted onto his side, slipping quickly into sleep even though Tazuna was snoring loud enough to keep their neighbors up. Sakura could probably even hear it from down the hall. Hazy blue eyes blinked slowly before sliding shut, body falling lax as he curled into a fetal position facing the bed, back to the closed and empty bathroom. He was almost asleep, the edges of darkness just starting to snare his mind before the gleeful face of Uchiha Madara flashed behind his eyelids.

His eyes snapped open, chest tight as he forced his breathing to steady and not make the ragged harsh sound that his lungs wanted to do after such dreams. The side of the bed was dark, navy blue comforter blocking the base board. Naruto tried to count the stitches as his breathing finally started to even out.

Kakashi's own breath was deep and steady, the sound of one in a light sleep, but Naruto could not be sure if his sensei was in a deep enough sleep for him to get away with a midnight stroll. Even if he was, Naruto doubted he could get away with it. Kakashi was always easy to wake, except for when he was at home or in familiar territory. Even then, it would never take more than a word to rouse him. He slept like all shinobi, resting but aware.

Sighing in exhaustion, Naruto shifted slightly to escape the pull of sleep as it tried to ensnare his mind again, too afraid of the nightmares to allow himself to fall into their trap. If he was at his apartment, he would scrawl a few privacy wards into paper and be done with it, scream himself hoarse and struggle with his blankets as his mind was jerked from one nightmarish memory to another, his dreamscape twisting them into something even more horrifying. But he was not home, and here…he could not let that happen.

Naruto's eyes became unfocused as his fingers rubbed the fabric of the comforter between them without his permission. It was difficult, sleeping like this…he could almost pretend that he had never traveled through time. Instead it was just his sensei and himself, resting in their shared tent after a long mission and day of fighting. It was almost normal to the point that it hurt. He wished for those days again, before Kakashi had been killed.

Naruto wondered briefly what would have happed if he had ever gained the courage to tell his senpai his feelings. Were they shared…did it matter? Closing his eyes, he rubbed a hand down his face in annoyance. He was being stupid, even if Kakashi had returned his feelings it did not matter anymore. His Kakashi was long dead, and this Kakashi…well, Naruto did not know what to even think about this Kakashi. He was different, that was certain.

A tear threatened to escape as his chest constricted painfully. He took a deep shuddering breath before he pushed away the thoughts and squashed the urge to cry. Crying never helped anybody and it certainly had never helped him. Monsters do not get to cry, not when they let everyone around them die.

Kurama chuffed at him several times, the kyuubi sounded just as tired as he as it rumbled a deep growl that would have sounded like a purr except that bijuu do not purr. Naruto mentally chuffed back in reassurance, vaguely aware that he should not even know how to do that let alone know what it meant…but he was far too tired to deal with another one of his own oddities.

Naruto tensed suddenly, body ready to spring into action as Kakashi shifted above him, arm falling from the side of the bed. He would have thought it was an accident of one asleep, except seconds later the fingers were buried in his hair once more and Naruto felt his breath cease as his whole body froze. Fingertips carded through his locks, nails scraping his scalp as Kakashi drew them back before the process repeated.

He was not sleeping, Naruto knew this, knew that Kakashi was awake and aware, and for some reason he was stroking the jinchuuriki's hair like one would pet a dog and Naruto did not know why. Blue eyes darted up, head tilting to look at the mattress, but only Kakashi's arm was visible. Another tilt, thumb pressing into the soft spot behind his hidden ears and nose flooding with the scent of dogs and rain, lightning and cinnamon, and Naruto felt himself go boneless. Not even his confusion could stop his breath evening out into a steady long draw, eyes fluttering closed as the tendrils of sleep finally pulled him under.

For the first night since he had traveled through time, since Sakura and Ino and Kakashi had died, since Konaha burned…Naruto slept and did not dream at all.