A/N: Ok, I've decided to continue this. The goal is to have a chapter each from the POVs of John, Fin, Huang, Cragen, Elliot, and Olivia. Here's John. Please R and R!
Every once in a while, I find myself thinking about Alex. I'm not sure why; some cases just remind me of her for some reason. I can't even find a connection between the times that she comes to the forefront of my mind…it's not cases about something in particular or anything like that. It seems completely random, but I don't think that makes sense. There must be something….
I hear her voice telling us what we need for a warrant. I smile when I think of what her reaction to one of my comments would be, and then I realize that she's gone.
I never lost someone I worked with before her. I transferred all around and lost track of some people, but to my knowledge no one ever died. If I wanted to, I could look my old colleagues up and get lunch or something. It's weird to know that I can't do that with Alex. I will never see her again. It's hard to believe.
It was good to have Alex around. She was just a good person. She came off as really stern and cold, but all of us knew the other side of her. I loved that all of us…Elliot, Liv, Fin, Alex, me…we could have dinner together. It was fun. I liked our group. There was a good dynamic.
We still have that, I guess. It started out a little rough with Casey, but it's gotten better. I feel bad for her, really. She has pretty high standards to live up to. It must be hard to take Alex's place when she was such an amazing attorney and also our friend. And Casey came right after it happened, when we were all still so upset. I'm not surprised it was so tense at first. It could hardly have been any other way.
It's just not the same with Casey, without Alex. That seems like an obvious thing to say, but it isn't for me. I'd never realized before that people are completely irreplaceable. I fancied myself so untouchable as to take anything in stride and not ever be thrown by change. I thought I could handle anything. And then Olivia called.
I can still hear that conversation. Liv crying. Trying to explain what happened, but unable to get the words out until Elliot took the phone from her and told me himself. I've seen Elliot lose control completely, and it's not something I like seeing. But his reaction to Alex's death was worse. He was just…blank. There was nothing in his voice as he told me. No anger. It actually hurt, listening to him. I would rather have had him express rage than hear him so completely numb.
I hated having to tell Fin and Cragen, but I didn't want Olivia or Elliot to have to do it. It was sort of a protective feeling. Losing Alex made me realize how much everyone meant to me.
Her funeral was difficult. I don't think I'd ever seen Cragen cry, and I hope I don't see it again. Not because it made me uncomfortable or anything, but just because I hope nothing so horrible ever happens again. Fin didn't say a word the entire time. Olivia and Elliot sat with us, but somewhat apart. They looked stiff, confused, and sad.
I wish I had been able to say goodbye. I've tried so many times to think of the last thing I said to Alex. I don't know why it even matters to me; it was probably just some offhand comment about a case or maybe even "good night". I just want to know.
I wish I could tell her how much I admired her, and how much I appreciated her help. She bent so many rules to help us. Not to help us win cases, exactly, but to help us get through cases. She understood how much we wanted to nail certain perps, and she gave us everything she could.
I don't express myself that well, and I never did. But I hope she knew that I cared.