A/N: Here is Fin. I will try to do a chapter from Liz's perspective, but the only problem is I only recently discovered SVU (I know, where the hell have I been?) and I haven't seen many episodes with her, so I don't have a clear picture of their relationship. I haven't even seen Loss and Ghost, the all-important Alex episodes, so I'm basing all of this on the clips I've seen. I'm freaking dying to see those two episodes though. Come on, USA Network! Please R and R!
I really miss Alex. I didn't know much about her…I mean, we never sat down and talked or anything, but I always liked her and respected her.
Working in narcotics, the group wasn't so tight. Someone was always undercover so we almost never had all of us together. We didn't grab dinner as a group like we do with SVU. And when we were together, it was hard to be yourself. It felt like anything we said to each other, anything we knew about each other, could blow our cover some day. I have allies back in narcotics, but I wouldn't say I have friends.
With SVU, it's like we're friends first. I don't think any of us could get through all this shit without our friends. It's important to know that we all got each other's backs. Alex didn't go out on assignment with us, but she did everything she could to work with what we got her and not put us in any more danger.
I guess with Alex, I just knew she was a good person. That was the hardest part about her dying. She stuck with the law, even when it was hard, but she also did everything she could to help the vics. They probably never thought about it much, but watching her win case after case sure proved it to me. She was a great attorney. Tons of cases would have turned out a whole lot worse without her on our side.
It's just not the same without her. It's not SVU.
When John told me someone killed her, I think it was the maddest I'd ever been. I couldn't believe that someone would go after her. Partly because she was a woman. I've been in this business a long time, and I know as much as anybody that women can hold their own. The last thing I saw Alex as was defenseless and weak. But that some guy would gun her down and drive away, leaving her to die all because she pissed off his boss…I just couldn't take that. I heard all the shit he said about letting a woman talk that way, and I knew Alex wouldn't take that. I was proud of her for answering back like she did. I never imagined it would lead to him having her killed. That bastard.
I'm really protective of all of them. John and Elliot too, but mostly Liv and Alex. We all were. I sort of feel like I failed her even though I don't know what I could have done. Elliot was right there and even he couldn't stop it. I just can't shake the guilt. It shouldn't have been Alex. I should have done…something.
I've been to funerals before. It sort of comes with the job. But hers was the first one I'd been to that wasn't for a cop. That made it worse. He didn't even go after the people who were going to bring him in. He went after the person who could bring him down…and she would have, too. It would have been all over for him, but instead she was gone. And he is free to keep on offing people until we catch up with him again, which probably won't happen. I don't think he'd be stupid enough to do anything else on our turf, not after killing our ADA.
I want to catch him. I want to drag him into interrogation, beat him up, and make him pay for what he did. I owe it to Alex. She should still be alive.
I can't think about her without getting a sinking feeling in my chest. I can still see the cover of that newspaper on Elliot's desk. Alex's picture beside the words 'slain ADA'. It's funny…we deal with murder and worse every day, but it's so much different when it happens to one of our own. I don't know why I can deal with people being tortured…it doesn't haunt me for long after, usually…but I can't think about her being shot without wondering if it hurt, what she was thinking…if she was thinking.
You never realize how much someone is part of you until they are gone and you feel this emptiness.
I wish she was still here.