I miss Alex more than I can explain.
The part I remember most about her dying is the shock. I've prepared myself for what I would do if any of my team got killed. I know the dangers involved in this job, and we've had some close calls. It's always hard, but at least I have a plan, and it's not completely unexpected. It comes with the territory. But Alex wasn't a cop. I never even considered her death.
I'm not one of those people who goes on about a dead person as if they were perfect. Death seems to make people forget the deceased's failings. Well, I don't actually think anyone forgets. They just delude themselves as a show of support. I won't do that.
Alex pissed me off sometimes. She was so stubborn. Once she got something into her head, she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say to the contrary. She was above me, and she didn't let me forget it.
She was so passionate about the law, but sometimes she let her emotions cloud her judgment. She made mistakes. I won't deny that, and I'm sure she wouldn't either.
Sometimes I just wanted to yell at her. Sometimes I did. Why is it that my memories of us going at each other's throats are happy ones? I can't help smiling when I think about it. Why is that?
I spent a lot of time with Alex. The first time I stood outside the interrogation room, watching through the two-way, and she wasn't next to me…I almost couldn't do it. It was so foreign. It was more than I could handle.
It's still weird for me to watch Casey in court, instead of Alex. I just can't get her out of my head. Every time it is the prosecution's turn to question, I expect to hear her voice. I half expect it to be her when someone knocks on my office door. And it never will be. Never again.
I love my team. I know they sometimes refer to me jokingly as 'Dad', and I do sort of think of them as my kids. I want them to be safe. I worry about them…their physical safety as well as their feelings. I know how hard this job is. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm glad they're here. They all mean so much to me.
But it was different with Alex. I always had this feeling…I can't exactly put it into words. My relationship with her was different. I was protective of her…but there was more. I thought that…if things were different, if we were closer in age…I could fall in love with her. I did a little anyway, despite the obstacles. It obviously never amounted to anything, but…she was the first person in a long time that I could picture myself with. The first since my wife died.
Even when I was so annoyed with her, even when I thought she was completely out of line…I knew her heart was in the right place. I never doubted that she meant well. She may be the best person I've ever known.
I just wish this hadn't happened. The world is a much worse place without Alexandra Cabot. I'd do anything to get her back.