There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Alex. I just can't believe she's gone. I hate myself for never telling her that I love her.

In my profession, I am constantly dealing with people who have regrets- about their parents, their siblings, their friends. I see how the pain drives them to horrible actions. It is their only outlet.

I am not at all worried that I'm going to turn to a life of crime to get over Alex. I think I have slightly more self control than that. But I know it affects me. Sometimes it is hard to concentrate. I find myself thinking about Alex when I should be listening to Casey.

I don't even pretend to think that maybe Alex felt something for me too. She didn't. I know. I was nothing more than a friend. But that doesn't stop me from loving her, which is fine with me. I never expected her to reciprocate.

I liked Alex from the beginning. Not much of the squad seemed to like me at first. They are like that every time a new person enters the group, which makes sense. In such a stressful, difficult environment, they depend on each other more than I think they know. They needed something to be constant and predictable, and I rocked the boat. They got over it eventually, and I know they appreciate me now.

Alex was never cold to me. Well, I should say she was no more so to me than to anyone else. That was one reason I liked her. I certainly don't mind when people show their emotions, but I admired how professional she always was. She rarely let her emotions get in the way of handling a case properly. It sounds almost hypocritical for me to say hiding emotions is good. I'm constantly encouraging people to give in to their sadness, to express their anger. And I do believe it's harmful to hold too much in. Alex was just good at knowing when a good time to let go was.

She often held back her unhappiness until I was the only one around. I'm not sure why that was, but I'm glad that she trusted me enough. It probably had to do with my profession and the fact that she was technically everyone else's superior. It wouldn't be good for them to see their boss like that. It's the same way I felt around her. We were both kind of outsiders. We weren't technically members of SVU, but we were still deeply involved. I had no one else to turn to.

After many cases, we would have dinner together. She always seemed to know when a case would get to me, and I knew the same about her. It was always a relief when I was feeling really discouraged and she would show up at my office.

Looking back, I see all the missed opportunities. I could have told her so many times, and I wish I had. On the other hand, maybe it's good that I didn't. I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position. I'm so torn about the whole thing.

The closest I ever came to saying something was after the Barnett case. The second I heard what had happened, I went to find Alex. She wasn't in her office, so I went to her apartment and knocked on the door. "Alex, it's George," I said when she didn't answer.

The door opened and I went in. All the lights were off, but I heard the click of a lamp and the room was suddenly bathed in dim light.

I had never seen her look so tired. I was glad I brought food for her because she looked like she hadn't eaten or rested. I went to her couch and sat. She sat beside me, not looking at me. "Here," I said softly, handing her some pasta and a fork.

"Thanks."

I watched her for a few minutes as she toyed with the food, not eating any. "You've got to eat something, Alex."

"I can't," she replied quietly.

I rubbed her back. "I know you feel bad…but you only did what you thought was right."

I saw the tears welling in her eyes, but she would not blink and let them fall. "It's my fault. Of course his mom hates me. I deserve it."

I sighed. "Alex, I listened to the tape. You weren't hard on him. You did exactly what you thought you had to do. It's so hard with people like that…the ones you can't give a right answer to. You could have no idea how he would take your comment about Barnett using him. You were trying to make him feel understood, but that's just not what he took away from it. That's not your fault."

"Olivia and Elliot could have lost their jobs…."

"You know you took every precaution to keep them out of trouble." I chuckled slightly. "They even tried to take the fall for you. They aren't mad at you."

"They're good people. Too good. I didn't want them to cover for me."

"They care about you, Alex." I looked into her eyes. "And so do I."

She smiled slightly. "Thanks, George."

I knew she didn't take my comment as regarding anything more than friendship. And I didn't explain. I just sat there with her for hours, talking to her and eventually letting her fall asleep against me.

I don't think anyone was aware of my feelings for Alex except maybe Olivia. I noticed her glances between the two of us sometimes. Women are just better than men at picking up on things like that, which I must say I am thankful for. I'm glad that John, Fin, Don, and Elliot have no idea. I know I can trust Olivia; she would never tell anyone if she did know.

Except I always wonder if she told Alex. They were best friends. Maybe it came up. I just wish I knew. Sometimes I want to ask Olivia about it. I don't expect her to tell me that Alex declared her love for me. I don't expect anything. I just want to know. And I want someone to talk to about her. Psychiatrists don't have many options of people to talk to. Most people seem to assume that we never have problems, that we never need someone to listen.

But I know I will never ask her. I don't even want to bring it up. I can deal with not knowing. I don't want to cause any more pain for Olivia.

There's a constant ache in my heart. I suppose it will eventually subside, or at least get easier to ignore. Part of me dreads the day that I don't hurt anymore. I'm not an idiot; I know she's dead. But when it stops hurting, she'll also be gone. She won't be in my head anymore, she won't be in my heart. I'd rather have the pain.