Sometimes I still regret taking this job. Some of the cases are just too much. I don't know if I can handle having nightmares every night for the rest of my life. I'm just so exhausted…already. I've never wanted so much to just get away. I know that I couldn't live with myself if I quit, though. Having bad dreams is too selfish a reason to give up. People's lives are at stake. It doesn't matter if I can handle it or not. Someone has to do it, and there's no one else.

Having everyone else helps. I'm so thankful that they finally accepted me into the group. I understand why it was so difficult for them at first. I'm not Alex.

It's hard, taking her place. Or trying to. I feel like I'm constantly trying to live up to her standard. I'm supposed to be as good as her, but they don't trust me to be. I know they would rather have her here than me. It hurts…but I do understand. I know I'm a good lawyer, but so was she. She was also their friend.

I have to admit, though, that I sort of resent her. Pretty messed up of me to resent a dead person, I know. I'm sure…or at least, I hope…that I imagine the bitterness in everyone's eyes when they look up to see me, and not her. But it's hard to get past. It's not my fault that she was killed. I'm sorry about the circumstances that led to me working here. I'm not here to spite anyone.

I feel like I can never be good enough. I can win every case that gets handed to me, and it won't change anything. This job is hard enough without this ghost of Alexandra Cabot hovering over me.

Maybe it isn't Alex I resent, but the team. I doubt that she would want them to treat me like they do all because of her. It's not that they are openly hostile toward me anymore…not like at the beginning. It's just the constant disappointment I feel from them. They hold her death against me because they don't know who else to be angry with. And I feel like it's an insult to her memory to hold a grudge against her replacement.

I just want them to appreciate me. I wish they would consider the position that I'm in…and see that I want to defend and help the victims, just like Alex did.

I wish I could meet her. I've heard so many stories…how Alex cut down a perp in court, how she managed to get a warrant on almost no actual evidence, how she convicted a man who had been flouting the law for twenty years. I've heard it all. And I'm impressed. I freely admit that they were lucky to have her.

I would love to talk to her. She's the only person I can think of who would understand. I want to know how she dealt with all of this. The cops have each other. They have the companionship. I am included in it, as she was, but it's still different. I don't really have anyone to turn to. Branch has good legal advice, but I can't see him actually talking to me about anything. I wouldn't approach Liz about anything personal. What did Alex do?

I also just wish I knew her. Hearing all the stories makes me feel like I missed out on knowing a good person.

Even though I never met her, I see Alex as a sort of mentor. I sometimes dislike being compared to her, but I'm nonetheless glad to have a precedent to follow. It gives me hope. I know it sounds weird to say that her career gives me hope…it did end in her death, after all. It's just that it's obvious to me how much the job meant to her. She was willing to risk her life for it, to uphold the law and justice at all costs. She could have backed off when her life was threatened, but she didn't. She was fighting for something bigger than herself.

When I want to quit, I just remember that. My predecessor died for this. It must be important. I know it's important. And that's enough to keep me here. I'll never stop fighting. No matter what.