How Many Times

Chapter Three

A/N I apologize for the wait between chapters but I this chapter wanted to be written in a very specific way and I was having a hard time finding it. It is was inspired by the Sam Smith song Lay Me Down.

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

That first case was hard for so many reasons, the victim was well known for writing a sexually explicit novel, which it turned out she did not write, all but ruining her credibility. It of course was not just the case it was working together and trying to ignore the tension that filled the air every time they found themselves in a room together. Rafael grew to hate the sound of his own last name when it crossed her lips and he could not miss the way she put on another layer of her armor every time he called her "Detective". This is what it had come to their names were unintentional weapons against the other.

He watched her though, often wondering who this woman really was. The woman who walked barefoot on the beach, but was not afraid to go toe to toe with one of the most powerful men on television. When it came to the victim she was a lioness with a cub, both a fearless protector and source of comfort and healing. He knew she would stop at nothing to see justice, and he would be damned if he was the reason they failed. No, failing was not an option, he was not sure if he wanted to prove himself to her or if just could not bear the thought of the pain it would cause her, he just knew he had to do his part.

As the trial drew closer her dreaded the thought of seeing her in the courtroom. Her presence had such an effect on him he worried that he would lose focus, if he could have asked he not to come he would have. Something happened though when he looked back in the courtroom and saw her sitting there, suddenly all of the anger he felt was gone, all the questions left unanswered did not matter, and when he looked into her eyes across the courtroom he saw one thing only, unwavering support. In that moment he knew they would find their way through this. They were partners now and the work before them was more important than the past behind them, he gave her a quick nod and she returned an understanding smile and they silently agreed to move forward.

Moving forward was not always easy, especially when he learned she was dating someone but they managed to find a rhythm in their work. They argued, she pushed, he pulled back, and eventually they found the way together. They learned each other's silent cues and developed their own language that existed in the looks that passed between them. The silence and tension that had once filled the air slowly became replaced by the banter of friendship, then May came and their entire world turned upside down.

"Where were you on your yacht?" She quipped when he came strolling into Captain Cragen's office that Sunday afternoon. It was the first time since that night in her apartment that she had seen him not in a suit and tie and for the briefest of moments she was back on that sailboat with him and for the first time in months she was forced to push back the memory of the feel of his lips on hers.

"Not my yacht" He answered looking straight in her eyes, causing her to bite her lip and look away forcing those memories back where she had left them all of this time. The sight of her in jeans and a white t-shirt that hugged her body and her hair in soft waves was not lost on him, he quickly turned his attention to the case before them, having no idea what it would bring.

He was sitting at his desk pouring over William Lewis's case file for the hundredth time trying to figure out what he had missed. How had he not managed to put this guy away, and who was going to suffer for his ineptness?

"Barba'" He answered his buzzing phone in annoyance.

"What do you mean missing? How the Hell did that happen? Where was Cassidy?" He raged into the phone at Rollins who had called to tell him that Lewis had Olivia. The days that followed were the longest of his life, never had he felt more useless. Relief washed over him when he heard they had found her and she was alive, then he watched in horror the images of her emerging from that house, never in his life had he known rage like what he felt in himself. At Lewis for what he had done, at her department for not checking on her, at Cassidy for being too busy trying to get back into the good graces of the NYPD to make sure she was all right, but mainly at himself for not putting Lewis away.

He waited for hours after they found her knowing the process that she would have to go through. Finally when he could not take it any longer called her.

"Hello" She answered and Barba could hear the hollowness to her voice.

"Olivia I am so sorry, I should have done…" He started but she cut him off.

"It's not your fault." She responded.

Silence hung between then on the phone finally Rafael spoke, "What can I do?" he asked.

"I couldn't go home, so I came to Brian's but he's gone back to work" She paused unable to find the words.

"Text me his address I'm on my way." He told her not waiting for her to finish.

His heart raced as he rang the bell for the fifth time and she didn't answer, he was seconds away from calling Cragen when she finally opened the door. She stood before him cleaned up from her ordeal but with tears streaming down her face, her hair half cut and scissors in her hand.

"He…just…kept…grabbing…my hair." She said between jagged sobs as she stood motionless before him.

He closed the door and silently took the scissors from her shaking hands and placing his free one in hers he walked the hall of Cassidy's apartment until he found the bathroom where her previously long brown hair covered the floor.

"Do you want me to finish it?" He asked he softly placing and on her shoulder and she nodded.

With every clip of the scissors he felt his heart break, when each lock hit the floor it was as if pieces of her were crashing around him. He watched in the mirror as she did not make a sound but the tears rained down her face. When he finished doing his best to keep it straight he gently guided to the bed in the next room leaving her there while he went to sweep away the remains. He returned several minutes later to find her unmoved and he worried she might be in shock. He moved slowly to her kneeling down before her.

"Is it all right if I take your shoes off?" He asked her softly gently slowly removing them after she nodded yes. "I'm going to pull the covers back and I think you should lay down." His heart broke at the ease of her compliance he would have given anything for her to fight him but she simply laid in the bed her knees pulled up against her. In all the ways that he had imagined her over the years, helpless and broken had never entered his imagination, yet her she was. He watched her helplessly for several minutes before speaking.

"Olivia, can I lay with you? Will you let me hold you?" He whispered waiting several seconds until he saw the slightest nod of her head. He moved around the bed, laid down next her slowly and carefully wrapping his arms around her. The silence of the room was replaced by the echoes of her sobs as her body shook in his arms.

The next morning he made her a strong pot of coffee, some scrambled eggs and toast that he managed to find in Cassidy's kitchen. The plate sat untouched in front of her and he gently placed a hand over hers, "Eat Olivia" he said softly and much like the night before she complied. Rafael felt some relief as color began to return to her face as she ate. She almost smiled at him when she finished her plate.

"Thank you Rafael" She said softly resting her hand back over his.

He lowered his eyes for a moment before looking back at her, "You know if I prosecute Lewis you will have to tell me everything. Olivia, I want nothing more than to personally put this bastard away for the rest of his life, but if you don't want to talk to me about it I will recuse myself."

For the first time he saw a flash of determination in her eyes, "No Rafael, you are who I want to put him away, I trust you."

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand softly, "You know it won't be easy."

It was her turn to offer a slight smile, "It never is with us."

She jumped slightly when she heard the front door close. "It's just Brian," he assured her. Just as they heard the voice from the other room, "Liv, you ok?"

Suddenly she was unable to speak again and looked at Barba who nodded, "We're in here Brian." He answered.

Brian came into the kitchen and looked at them, "Liv your hair" he said carelessly.

"It was bugging me," was all she offered.

Rafael looked between them offering no explanation for his presence. "I need to get to work, we'll need to talk soon." He said gently, he turned his attention to Brian, "Walk me to the door."

Brain looked back at Olivia but then followed the lawyer to the apartment door, "Do not leave her alone again." Barba said fiercely.

"She told me to go to work, what am I supposed to do?" Brain asked defensively.

"Be there for her, just be there, no matter how much she pushes you away," He said before closing the apartment door behind him. He walked down the steps to the street, sat in the backseat of a cab, and allowed his own tears begin to fall, he had almost lost her and truthfully he didn't know if he would ever get her back. No, that wasn't an option, he would do whatever it took to bring her back to help her heal, not matter how many times it broke his heart.

TBC