I hate lying. There are lots of reasons for that, and I don't think most people would disagree with me on any of them. Lying to someone shows that you don't trust them. Well, usually, anyway. It's also really hard to lie about anything important. It is amazing the number of little lies that you have to fabricate in order to keep up the main one. You have to constantly be careful, because if any part of the lie falls through, the entire thing comes crashing down.
Basically, lying is just wrong.
But I agreed to tell one. A huge one, and I won't be free of it for the rest of my life.
Alexandra Cabot is not dead.
The night she was shot, I didn't think there was any hope for her. She was bleeding so much…Liv's hands were covered in it. When the ambulance came and I saw the pool of blood on the street, I knew she would die. There was no way she wouldn't. I pulled Olivia to me and told her it would all be ok. That was the first lie. I guess I was sort of right, since Alex did live…but none of this is ok.
We followed to the hospital, but they wouldn't let us see her. Olivia and I sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever before a doctor came out and told us that Alex didn't make it. I couldn't believe it. It was like a nightmare.
Between the two of us, Liv and I managed to tell John, who in turn told everyone else. We went to my apartment where we sat on the couch and Olivia collapsed into my arms. I held her for hours, rocking her and kissing her head, telling her I was so sorry. Alex meant so much to her…to me, too.
I didn't sleep at all that night, and I don't think Olivia did either. We were too exhausted to sleep, which doesn't make sense. But it's the truth. My head was spinning. Everything already felt different. I couldn't believe she was gone. And I had been right there. I should have stopped it. I should have saved her.
I felt like I was in a fog after that night. I couldn't really concentrate. It was the strangest feeling.
I've thought about it a lot, and I have no idea why…but I think I sort of knew that Alex wasn't dead. I kept thinking that Alex was gone…I knew that was true. But when my thought was 'Alex is dead,' I didn't believe it. I didn't tell anyone else. Even Olivia. I decided I was being an idiot, and I didn't need to spread my foundationless hope.
The night that we saw Alex before she left…I couldn't believe my feeling had been true. I was so glad that she was alive. But then I realized what the rest of her life would be like.
She had to forget she was Alex Cabot. She had to forget that she was our ADA; she had to be someone else. She'll be living a lie until she dies. I don't think that's good enough for her. She deserves better.
I'm so thankful that I know the truth. I got to say goodbye to her. So did Olivia. It helped us both, and if it helped Alex at all, it was more than worth it.
I just wish there was another way. I wish Liv and I didn't have to lie to everyone. It was hard at Alex's funeral. I felt separate from the sadness, because mine wasn't the same as theirs. They thought she was dead. I knew she was gone. And it's not the same.
I don't doubt Alex's strength. I know she is an incredibly capable, stubborn, tough woman. But I don't think any amount of strength is enough in this case. I have no idea how she is handling all of this so far. And I don't know how long she can handle it.
I can't imagine the loneliness and desperation she must feel…if we could only talk to her again. Olivia and I are the only ones who know she is alive and have any idea of what she is going through. Alone. She can't confide in anyone. She can't fully trust anyone. That kind of life isn't worth it. It's when I think this…and I hate myself for it…that I think she might have been better off dead. At least she wouldn't be suffering.
I can deal with telling this lie for my whole life. I don't like it, but I'll do it to protect Alex. It's the least I can do for her…and, frustratingly, the most.
But I'd do anything if I could take the pain away from her. I feel so helpless. I hate it. I just want everything the way it was before. Oh, Alex….
God, I'd do anything to change this.