How Many Times
Chapter Four
The next year was about getting William Lewis in jail and Olivia learning how to heal. She and Brian moved in together but there was a distance between them. He was working undercover again and they went days without seeing each other. Olivia was trying to heal and Brian was not around for most of it, but Rafael was.
They would spend hours going over her testimony, Olivia tried to be completely honest with him but she couldn't and he knew it. The deal that Lewis offered was a horrible one and he did not even want to bring it to her except there was a large part of him that was afraid she would break on the stand and admit that she could have escaped but beat Lewis instead. He found no fault with what she did and a large part of him wished she had just killed him, it would save her the pain of this trial.
They didn't get all the convictions that they hoped for but they got him put away and finally Liv seemed to be able to move on. They had a string of cases involving children which were never easy on any of them. They found themselves at Forlini's one night on their second drink when Rafael asked about Brian.
"Is Brian working tonight?" He asked
"We broke up." Liv admitted taking a drink from her wine.
"I'm sorry Liv, are you ok?" He asked sincerely.
Olivia nodded, "I think Brian and I tried too hard to make something fit. We just want different things"
Rafael nodded, "What do you want Liv?" he asked breaking an unwritten rule between them, that was the kind of question that existed in the personal space they dare not travel.
"I want to go forward, I want to put certain things and people behind me and start to build a life." She told him. "More than anything I want a family, I want to be a mother."
Rafael stared at her in amazement knowing without a doubt she would be an amazing mother, but she misunderstood his silence. "You think I'm crazy right? Brian said there is no way I could do my job and be a mother, that's what an adoption agency told me years ago too. "
"No, Liv, not at all, I think you would be the most amazing mother. Yes, it would be a challenge but I know you could do it, you can do anything." He told her allowing his hand to rest on hers and she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you Rafael, for everything this year I would not be here without you." She said resting her other hand on his knee and she paused before continuing, "you risked a lot for me this year and I think I need to risk being honest with you. I know it is four years too late but I need to tell you why I ran that night."
"Olivia you don't have to do this. We've moved on." He assured her not knowing if he wanted to go back to that time. Of course there was no changing her mind once she decided something.
"No, you deserve to know the truth and I value our relationship too much to leave this out there." She explained, finished her glass of wine, ordered another and told him her story. She told him about her mother, the rape, how despite the fact that she knew her mother loved her she also knew her mother always saw her as a reminder of what had happened to her. She told him about the boy she was engaged to at sixteen, the time her mother attacked her a bottle of vodka, and even the complicated relationship she had with Elliot.
"I felt something for you that weekend, and all I could hear were the voices in my head telling me that if you knew all the truth you would never want me so I did the only thing that I knew how to do, I ran." She said her voice shaking.
"I would have fought for you, if you had given me the chance." He confessed placing a hand on the side of her face.
"I know that now, the irony is now you know every single thing about me, you are still sitting here with me and I still can't have you." She whispered tears falling from her eyes.
He wiped away her tear, "I think we both know this isn't the right time for us Olivia."
She nodded her head in agreement, "If I had only stayed…" she began but he brushed his lips over hers.
"No looking back Liv, we move forward, we keep working, you keep healing and we see what life brings us." He told her.
"How many chances are we going to get, what if we've missed it?" She asked him, "I don't want you to walk out of my life one day."
"I am never walking out of your life Olivia, we are friends and I don't walk away from my friends, and if we are supposed to be more than friends than we will get as many chances as it takes. " He said with a smile. "Come on, I will walk you home."
BarsonBarsonBarson
What came next was the last thing either of them expected to happen. Rafael was wrapping things up in his office late on a Friday afternoon when his phone buzzed and he smiled when he saw her name.
"Hey, are we meeting for a drink?" He asked her.
"No, I can't tonight, but I could use your help with something at home if you have some time." She explained sounding a little frazzled.
"Of course, is everything all right Liv?" He asked
"Yeah, just something unexpected came up I'll see you when you get here." She told him before hanging up.
Thirty minutes later he was standing at her apartment door with a bottle of wine figuring whatever it was wine would help.
He knocked on her door but when she didn't answer he used the key she had given him after Brian moved out. After everything that had happened it was important to her that someone else have a key.
"Liv, everything all right? I brought wine." He called down the hall stopping dead in his tracks when he saw her sitting in on her couch holding a sleeping baby.
"Shhh she whispered." But a giant smile was plastered across her face.
"Liv, what the hell is going on? Is that Baby Boy Doe?" He asked in confusion.
"No, I mean yes, that is who we knew him as but now we know he is Noah Porter, his mother was Ellie Porter." She explained
"The case, I missed when I was out of town, that one?" He asked still not understanding.
"Yes, when I showed up in court today the judge asked me if I was interested in fostering him." She continued, "Then in a year I can adopt him if everything goes right."
Rafael stared at her amazement, "I guess I brought the wrong kind of bottle." He joked earning him an eye roll. "Seriously Liv, I couldn't be happier for you."
"Well hopefully your happiness can translate into helping me put together a crib." She laughed causing the baby in her arms to stir and cry a bit.
"Shhh it's all right Noah. Are you hungry?" She asked
"A little do you want me to order something?" Rafael asked.
"I was talking to the baby, Barba, but now that you mention it yes, food for me would be good too." She laughed again. Barba watched in amazement as she moved through her apartment with the baby on her hip as she opened jars of food and prepared as bottle as if she had been doing it for months. It was the most natural thing to her. She placed Noah in high chair she had somehow acquired and began to feed him.
"So where's this crib I am supposed to put together? I should be able to get it done before dinner gets here." He said confidently.
"Have you ever put a crib together?" She asked him.
"No, but how hard can it be?" he asked her and she raised an eyebrow at him. "Liv I graduated top of my class from Harvard Law, I think I can manage a crib."
An hour later dinner was arriving at her door and Rafael was standing proudly looking at the newly assembled crib. She juggled Noah and the delivery bags, "You want to stop looking at your masterpiece long enough to help?" She teased him.
"Well are you going to put him in it?" He asked.
She bit her lip and looked at it hesitantly, "Are you sure it's safe?"
"Yes, Liv it's safe." He laughed rolling his eyes.
"All right but if my baby gets hurt I'm never forgiving you." She told him.
"Your baby." He said with a smile, "It has a nice ring to it Liv."
"Yes, I think that it does." She agreed placing the full and sleepy baby in his crib.
They spent Olivia's first night as a mother eating Chinese food whispering to each other about what would happen next because they were afraid of waking Noah as he slept peacefully in his new crib in the living room. Olivia took the next eight weeks off for maternity leave as she settled into life with Noah. Rafael made it a habit of checking in on them a couple times a week, bringing dinner over or joining them for a walk to the park. One night after they finished dinner and Olivia had settled Noah down Rafael surprised her with a question.
"What are you doing this weekend? " He asked her.
"Nothing too different than last weekend I suppose, I still have two weeks of maternity leave left." She reminded him.
"Next weekend is Fourth of July, why don't you and Noah come out to Nancy and Anthony's?" He offered.
"Barba, I don't think that's a good idea, I mean first of all what am I going to do with a baby in the Hamptons? She asked deflecting the real reason for her hesitation.
"I am pretty sure that people in the Hamptons have kids Liv. In fact Nancy and Anthony have one now I think she's about two, so they probably already have a lot of the stuff. "
"I can't Barba, not this year." She said gently yet firmly.
Rafael nodded not wanting to push her but there was no hiding the disappointment in his face.
Saturday night Olivia had finally gotten Noah settled in his crib after a long fussy day when she heard a knock at the door. She looked through the whole expecting to see the delivery person with her pizza. Instead she saw Rafael holding her pizza dressed still in his sailing attire.
"You're eating pizza on Fourth of July?" He asked when she opened the door.
"What are you doing here? And yes because Noah just now is asleep for the first time all day." She explained.
"The sailing was lousy and I here you can see pretty good fireworks from here." He told her setting the pizza on the table just as Noah began to cry.
Olivia sighed and went to pick him up and Rafael put a hand on her shoulder, "You eat, I've got him." She ate a slice of pizza while he walked the fussy baby back and forth across the living room.
"He has an ear infection" She explained and Rafael frowned.
"I'm sorry you don't feel good Amigo." He told Noah as he continued to walk and bounce him. After several minutes he stopped crying and he looked over at Olivia only to see her asleep on the couch. He carefully settled himself and Noah in the rocking chair as he watched the fireworks from the window of Olivia's apartment.
TBC