Sometimes I hate the world. That's probably not surprising, considering what I see everyday. I see children raped by their parents, siblings, and teachers…people filled with so much hate…so much violence…I've seen victims with their faces torn off, their hands and feet removed…I've seen decapitations. I've seen it all. It's made me physically sick more times than I can count, and I've had so many more nightmares than good dreams that I don't even dread them anymore. I expect them.

And despite all of this, I still like my job and I know I won't quit as long as I have a choice. Part of the reason is that I feel like it's my duty to help to vics. I accept that. Not many people could handle this job. I'm not sure why I can, but I can, so I have to. And that's fine. I'm glad that I can help, if only a little.

The only part of work that makes it bearable is the people. Every time I'm apprehensive about going to work because a case is particularly hard, I always think, well, at least I have Elliot. At least I have John, Fin, Melinda, George, Cragen, and Alex.

But I don't. Not anymore. It would seem to me that, considering what we deal with every day, the world would cut us some slack and keep us together, and safe. But it won't. It hasn't. And that's why I hate it.

I've never known better people than the seven of them. They are all so amazing in different ways, and we need each other. It just doesn't work without all of us. They are my family, the best one I could hope for.

Alex really was like my sister. When my mom died, and I lost all ties to my biological family, everyone at SVU was there for me. I depended on them, and they didn't let me down. I'm so lucky to have found the man I love at work, along with three brothers, two sisters, and a father. We have to be close. There's no way to do this job without getting close to each other.

So why did this have to happen? It's just not fair. I know, I know, I sound like a petulant child. I don't mean to. I just don't understand why this had to happen. We all have enough difficulty in our lives without adding this too.

We were all so scared for Alex during the Zapata case. And we did our best to look out for her. But she still got shot, right in front of us.

I couldn't believe it. When I looked over and saw her lying there, I thought I was hallucinating. I crawled over to her, and the smell of iron convinced me that I wasn't. It was actually happening, and there was nothing I could do. I tried, of course, but in my heart I knew it was too late.

To this day, I have absolutely no idea how Alex survived. She lost so much blood…it's like some kind of medical miracle. Except miracles have the connotation of having good results, and this didn't.

I couldn't believe it when Alex stepped out of the car, her arm in a sling. I'm glad Elliot was standing right next to me, because I actually started to lose my balance and he supported me. I thought my heart might stop while Elliot's was beating so fast and hard against my back.

"Your funeral's tomorrow," I said at one point, my voice breaking. I couldn't think what else to say, but I knew that she would understand exactly what I was feeling…the joy at seeing her alive, the shock, the sadness, the knowledge that I would never see her again.

It's so hard to imagine what her life is like now. I try to picture it, but I can't. I can't picture her as anyone but Alex, and she shouldn't have to be anyone else.

We lost her. All of us, even though Elliot and I lost her differently than everyone else. But Alex lost everything. Her friends, her family, her home, her life.
I miss her so much. My heart has been hurting since that night. How can she survive this? I wish I could do something about it…anything.

I feel bad for the way we all acted when Casey first came. I know we were hard on her. She didn't mesh well with us…and we all resented her. As ridiculous as it sounds, we blamed her for taking Alex's job, for Alex being gone. And I'm so sorry about it all.

I really like Casey now. We all do. I appreciate the effort she puts into cases, and I know it must be hard for her to be constantly in the shadow of a woman she's never met. I hope she knows that we are glad she's here. We just wish it could have been under any other circumstances.

Casey made us a team again. We still all have each other, and that's still what gets me through the hard days. I just miss our old team.

I hope someday Alex can come back. I don't know if that will ever happen…all I know is that there are lots of things that I can't picture without her. If the time is ever right for Elliot and me to get married, I want her there, just like I want everyone else there. That's what family is for. If she gets married, I want to be there. And I hope she's there as Alex, not someone else.

Life is too hard already without losing your best friend. No one deserves that, and she of all people doesn't deserve losing everything.