A/N: Ok, here's the last chapter! I hope you like it. I'd appreciate it if you'd review the chapter or the story or whatever and tell me what you think. Thanks!
God, I can't do this again.
I can't believe this. I can't believe I have to start over…again. I'm sitting here on an airplane, off to a new city, a new life. The new me.
At least this time I don't regret my decision. I know I made the right choice, going back to testify. I'm glad I could do something to help Antonio. He deserves justice, and it was my duty and pleasure to help him get it.
I just wish it could be different. I can't stand knowing that everyone I knew in Wisconsin, everyone who knew me as Emily, is going to think I died. Just like all my friends in New York did. At least they know now, but I wish there didn't have to be a trade off. Why is there not any option that doesn't involve people thinking I'm dead? And I was falling in love…and I never got to tell him. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye. I'll never see him again.
The woman next to me on the plane is looking at me like I'm crazy, sitting here crying. I hope she doesn't ask me what's wrong. I almost laugh, thinking of what her reaction would be if I actually explained it all. I don't think this flight is long enough to cover everything.
I was so scared when Don showed up at my house. I didn't think there could be any good reason for him to be standing on my porch. Only something huge would have put him in the position to be told the truth. I expected him to say that someone had died.
The whole time we were talking, he was staring at me like I was a ghost. I don't blame him for that. For everyone but Elliot and Olivia, I was dead. Don had been living with the idea of my death for years. Of course he couldn't believe it. But his shock showed me what I could expect when I returned to New York. It also showed me how much time had passed. I'd been away from home for so long.
It was so good to see everyone again. When I first saw Elliot and Olivia, I couldn't stop smiling. I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge how much I missed them. And we fell right back into how things used to be. We all knew it was different…completely different…but we were all together again. And that was the important part.
It was strange meeting Casey, seeing someone else do my job. I was curious about her. I wondered what she thought of the job, how she dealt with it. I regret not spending any time with her…and I didn't even thank her properly for winning the case for Antonio. And for me.
It was the most surreal experience of my life, being back. It was also the happiest I'd been in a long time. Playing backgammon with Elliot…I missed him so much. He's such a good man. Olivia is lucky to have him. I love seeing them together. It gives me hope.
Seeing Olivia was…so great. And so hard. I couldn't believe how long it had been since I'd seen her. She's the best friend I've ever had. I was so grateful to be able to talk to her again, to explain what I could. Just hearing about the cases they had worked on made me so lonely. I miss my old life so much I can hardly stand it. Seeing them all almost every day, always knowing they were there for me…I didn't appreciate it enough then. I guess that's just life.
I stare out the window at the clouds and, below them, mountains. Tears are still rolling down my face, and I'm still trying to conceal it from the woman. I hate losing control like this. This isn't me. That is, if I even know who I am anymore. I'm not sure that I do.
Leaving this time was even harder than the first time. I've never regretted telling Olivia and Elliot the truth last time. They mean too much to me, and I couldn't leave them in the dark. I just couldn't. But it was so hard, saying goodbye to them. I wanted to hold on to them and never let go, but I knew I couldn't. I had to tell them, and I'm glad I did. But it made letting go even more difficult.
I couldn't risk that this time. I know they were waiting for me. They wanted to celebrate with me. And I just left. I feel horrible for doing it, but I couldn't have done it any other way. I couldn't allow myself to have fun with them. It would just remind me again what I'm leaving, and what I can never have again. I'm almost couldn't leave last time. I know I wouldn't have been able to this time. So I just took off. I hope they understand. And I'm so sorry….
The plane is landing. As I walk into the airport, I can't stop dreading the future. The thought that I can't do this is like a mantra in my head. I'm not strong enough for this. I used to think I could face any obstacle and comport myself calmly. I'm not that naïve anymore. I can't do this. I can't do this. Not again.
A man comes up to me and hands me a piece of paper, leaving without a word. I'm too surprised to react for a second, but then I look down at the paper. It's a note. I open it.
You have our love forever, not matter what. We won't forget you.
You can do this.
Love, Olivia and Elliot
I close my eyes against the new tears that are threatening to fall. I clench the note in my fist and set off through the airport…to begin my new life. I'm still sad, still discouraged…but I'm stronger than before.