3. Curse Your Sudden But Inevitable Betrayal

Brooding, Tasha turned around and headed back into the hall. The mage was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize where she was going and ran directly into Jowan. Startled, she formed frost on her suddenly clenched fists faster than she could blink and the air chilled. "Are you all right?" Jowan asked, studying her, hands braced on her shoulders. He must have felt the drop in temperature but chose not to comment on it, ignoring also the sparks born from the contact.

"Yeah. Sorry, just a bit distracted." She shook her head to clear it.

"Well, I'm glad I caught up to you," he commented. Her mouth twitched.

"Been following me?" she asked coldly with a delicately arched eyebrow. Jowan looked affronted and she broke her cool appearance, smiling to show she didn't mean anything by it.

He leaned in closer. "I need to talk to you," he murmured.

She followed suit. "Why are you whispering? It looks very suspicious," she said, only partly teasing.

And then he shushed her. Tasha blinked in surprise. "I just don't want anyone to hear us." She straightened up, looking at him curiously. Jowan wanted to discuss something that wasn't okay for all ears? Shocking. What shocked her more was his next statement. "We should go somewhere else. I don't feel safe talking here."

That made Tasha frown. There was an edginess rolling off of him, one that was indecently similar to the vibe in the tower, and she didn't like it. "Are you okay? You're starting to worry me, Jowan."

"I've been," he hesitated, "troubled. I'll...I'll explain. Just come with me, please."

That accursed curiosity that had had her so closely watched as an apprentice reared up and nipped the black-haired mage in the rear. Silently, she followed him to…

The chapel. Her eyebrows lifted when he went in. The Templars would know something was up because there was no way she would go in there twice in less than four months of her own free will. He made his way back to a corner, where one of the initiates had been praying when she'd glanced inside earlier, looking for Cullen.

"We should be safe here." Her eyebrows went a little higher and so did her curiosity.

"In the chapel? The Templars' favorite haunt?" She gave a pointed glance at the initiate who hadn't said a word yet was standing right beside Jowan. "You do realize there's a priest standing right here, right?"

"We can see the door from here. If anyone comes, we'll change the subject," explained the woman in question. This was getting more interesting by the second.

"And she's not a priest. She's an initiate. Her name's Lily," Jowan corrected.

Tasha's eyes narrowed as she looked back and forth between the two of them suspiciously. There was something wrong. "Jowan, what's going on?"

"A few months ago, I told you that I," again, he hesitated, "met a girl. This is her."

"An initiate. An initiate?" Cullen's face sprang to mind as did the word hypocrite. The smile she put on her face was undoubtedly bitter and she gave a snort. "And here I was beginning to doubt her existence." Tasha tipped her head toward the girl. "You have my condolences, Lily."

"Very funny." Jowan scowled at her.

Tasha smirked. "I try. But you can't have brought me here to chat about love."

"I wish that was the only thing I needed to talk about."

"Andraste's knickers, Jowan. You're so serious. Relax a little."

He gave her a flat look. "Remember I said that I didn't think they wanted to give me my Harrowing?"

She nodded slowly. "That was months ago." She realized, with a pang of guilt, that she hadn't noticed that he hadn't gone through his Harrowing yet.

"I know why now. They're going to make me Tranquil."

"What?" She blinked, eyebrows inching up to her hairline. Jowan went on as if his friend hadn't spoken, now pacing.

"They'll take everything that I am from me: my dreams, hopes, fears, my love for Lily." He glanced at the girl who had remained quiet. "All gone." Dread. Fear. Regret.

Fear made her fingertips cool, though it wasn't her own doing. Whatever was going on with Jowan was a strong enough emotion to break through. She swallowed hard. "But if you can't feel, then you can't feel sad about it." Terrible bedside manner. She wanted to smack herself in the face.

Jowan stared at her and already she felt guilty.

"That makes it so much worse, doesn't it?" Lily asked quietly. "Not knowing how much you have lost…" Her voice trailed off.

Tasha could see the sparks coming from Jowan's hands as he paced more furiously, emotions tipping into his magic. "They'll extinguish my humanity. I'll just be a husk, breathing and existing but not truly living," he ranted. Carefully, she used her magic to cool the area around him. Not much, but it was enough to keep the sparks down to a minimum. No one really needed him setting something on fire.

She had to calm him down. "How did you find out about this?" she asked.

It wasn't even Jowan that answered her. "I saw the document on Greagoir's table. It authorized the Rite on Jowan, and Irving had signed it," Lily replied in her soft voice.

Tasha's head whipped around and she glared at her. Then she was the one who had started this whole mess. "You're an initiate," she said coldly. Lily flinched away, but held her ground. Clearly, she hadn't heard stories. "You're supposed to serve the Chantry, and by extension the Templars and the Circles. What gain are you getting from this?" Lily opened her mouth and shut it, looking a little like the fish that swam in the brook that went through the village Tasha had lived in during her life before. When no answer was forthcoming, the mage gave a snort and turned her attention back to Jowan. "Why would they do this to you?"

"There's a rumor about me. People think I'm a blood mage," Jowan answered hesitantly. Everything made sense suddenly. Geoffry and Anthony. The books behind Irving's desk. The heightened tension. And the relief that weakened her knees made shame and guilt burn in her soul. "They think that making me a Circle mage will endanger everyone."

Still, she struggled not to jump to conclusions because Jowan was still one of her best friends and he deserved the benefit of the doubt. But it was shrinking by the second. That had to be the only reason she couldn't feel his emotions like she used to. Tasha lifted an eyebrow coolly. "And are they right about that?" she asked carefully.

"Of course not! But it's not safe here for me anymore," Jowan snapped. Once again, he was pacing like a caged mabari. "I need to escape. I need to destroy my phylactory. Without it, they can't track me down. We need your help. Lily and I can't do this on our own." He stopped pacing and grabbed her hands, looking down into her eyes imploringly and ignoring the sparks.

"Give us your word that you will help and we will tell you what we intend." His love had the nerve to speak to her. Tasha's lip curled. But she couldn't just flat out refuse. This was Jowan, and she owed him.

But at the same time, she couldn't dispel the screeching doubts in her mind that every second she couldn't break past his barrier grew ever louder. "I need to think this over," she growled, pulling her hands out of Jowan's and rubbing her temples against the headache that was forming.

"I suppose that's fair. But please give us your answer soon. Time is running out." Her back stiffened and she turned and walked out.

Tasha didn't even realize where she was going until she was there. Cullen. Her big, cuddly, Templar teddy bear with a big, sharp sword.

"Hi, Tasha." The smile dropped from his face when he saw hers. "What's wrong?" he asked, concern written all over his face and his emotions. She watched him shift his hand to the hilt of said sword. That action cut through some of the whirlwind that was Tasha and it truly touched her that he thought she was in that kind of danger. Or any danger at all.

"I just, I got some unexpected news," she answered slowly.

Cullen studied her. "Your magic is all over the place," he informed her. His eyes flicked behind her. "Plus you left frost."

Tasha's cheeks went pink. As much as she liked the stammering, uncertain Cullen that came out when she flirted with him or when he didn't want to say something, she liked this one too, the one who was sure of himself and his abilities. He shifted and she could just make out the smell of lyrium that clung to him like a second skin, followed closely by a call of her mana to the magic he took.

"Oops," she whispered, feeling a twinge of unease.

"Must have been some news."

She looked up at him. He was worried for her. As much independence as she'd learned since coming to the Circle, it was still incredibly nice. Her heart gave an unsteady jump. And that was when she knew what to do. She was a survivor and she had to do so at whatever the cost. She placed a hand on Cullen's plate covered chest and could have sworn that she could feel his heart thumping through the metal and padding. Uncertainty flickered in his eyes. She had to lean on him a bit, but she stretched toward him and gently placed her lips on his. She pulled away quickly, before anyone could see. "You haven't slept today, have you?" she accused softly.

"No," he admitted, his voice just as quiet.

She smiled. "You should do that." She stepped away from his reach. "Thank you, Cullen. You helped me figure out what to do."

He didn't want her to leave, she could read it in his face and emotions. But there was work to do and as a full-fledged mage of the Circle and as a friend, it was her unfortunate and necessary duty. She briefly kissed him once more, moving out of range once again. There was an unfamiliar emotion flickering in his hazel eyes and she didn't want to stop and analyze it so her gift was forcibly tucked away. She turned and went down the hall, feeling his eyes burning into her back.

The hard decisions wouldn't stop after that one and some part of her would always regret walking away.

She stood outside Irving's office, again, before lifting her chin and walking in. Direct. Very direct.

Irving was seated at his desk and barely glanced up when Tasha entered. "So soon, Miss Amell?"

"When is Jowan going through his Harrowing?" It was less a question and more a demand, a challenge.

"When he is ready."

"He's ready now."

Frustration. "It is not your place to decide these things."

Ice crawled up the wall behind her. He watched it with a flicker of alarm though he knew she would stop herself before she did anything. "He should have gone through his Harrowing before me. And it's been three months since mine. Why?"

"Why do you ask?

She lifted her chin and wrapped her courage around herself, ignoring her pounding heart. Here goes nothing. "He fears he is going to be made tranquil."

"And how does he know this? I suppose the young initiate he dallies about with revealed it to him." She stared at him. "You think I didn't know? I did not become First Enchanter by keeping my eyes and ears shut."

Tasha nearly choked. Cullen. The look in his eyes when she pulled away from him. They knew about him too. They had to. "Please." The word came out strangled and she forced herself to take a step away from her emotions. "I beg you. Don't do this to Jowan." She could barely breathe.

"Greagoir says he has proof- and eyewitness testimony- that Jowan has been practicing blood magic. I cannot say more. Were it left to me, things might be different. But the Chantry…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, child. This Rite of Tranquility will happen."

She was going to lose both of them. No. She already had. As soon as Tasha had expressed interest in Cullen, she had lost him to the Order and his vows and Jowan...Jowan had been lost to blood magic. She wanted to cry but couldn't. The trials she'd gone through during her Harrowing hadn't broken her. Hiding Rafe for three months had been difficult, but doable. This? The ice behind her melted as, defeated, she gave Jowan up. "Then you must know that Jowan plans to escape the Circle," she told Irving, head down.

"Oh? Interesting. What more do you know?"

She met Irving's pitying eyes. "All right. Jowan and Lily want to escape the Circle."

"She would know more about the repository than he would. Do you know anything else?"

Tasha shook her head. "No, Lily has the plan."

"I suspected Lily would tell him of the impending Rite if she found out. But I never expected they would have the gall to break into the repository."

She looked like a kicked puppy. "What will you do with Jowan?" she asked timidly.

"Reporting him to Greagoir and the Templars will accomplish nothing beyond what's already planned. If the Circle must punish one of its own, I will see the Chantry done the same courtesy. Lily will not walk free while my apprentice suffers."

The air in his office chilled as her anger rose. "Lily is just trying to save the man she loves." Tasha had to give her that, even though she was placing a lot of blame for this on the initiate's shoulders.

"She is also breaking every vow she ever took." Fierce satisfaction made the side of her mouth curl up. Irving was on her side with this. But Cullen… "If we mention her involvement, the Chantry will say that she was framed. No, she must be caught in the act."

"You're right. The Chantry would do the same to us."

"If you want to survive, you must learn the rules and realize that sometimes sacrifices are necessary."

"I couldn't agree more." Her eyes flashed coldly though her heart hurt.

"Jowan will become tranquil, but Lily must also face the consequences of her actions. How did you learn of their plan? Do they trust you?"

She was betraying her friend. The realization made what little bit left that could still feel freeze. Mechanically, she replied, "Jowan told me their intentions, but I don't know the plan."

"Then do this: learn the plan, and offer to help carry out their scheme. With solid proof of their crime, we can act."

Tasha nodded, hating herself for what she was about to do and had already done. And unfortunately, she was going to have to act as though nothing were wrong. Her heart and soul ached, caught between two duties and two rights. "I will do what you ask."

"Go. Convince them you will risk all for their cause." Irving didn't realize it but when she told him, she'd already risked everything and was about to lose it all. "I will be outside the repository with a contingent of Templars. Let them see the mischief into which their initiate led our student. Perform well, and your dedication will be rewarded."

She knew what she was going to ask. For Cullen not to be transferred. She didn't care if she was never allowed to speak to him again; she was willing to sacrifice one of the most important people in her life for another. But Maker, her heart hurt.

Tasha turned on her heel and marched out. She got the plan from Jowan and honestly, she was fairly certain that it was the worst idea she'd ever heard, and that included Anders' plan to escape the third time. It took her some time but eventually, after killing some massive spiders in the caverns beneath the tower, getting her immaculate robes filthy, and receiving the permission she needed for the rod of fire, she made her way eventually back to Jowan and...her. The initiate didn't like Tasha and the feeling was mutual.

With Jowan and Lily in tow, she headed down to the basement. Feeling somewhat self-conscious, she took a path around the tower that would prevent her from seeing Cullen again. What she was doing was wrong and she knew it to the depths of her soul. So, down they went to the first floor.

Two apprentices were talking quietly in a corner and they hadn't noticed them. "Jowan's been acting weird all day. Have you seen him?" one said.

The other shook her head. "What do you mean?"

"Well, between you and me, I think it has something to do with the Templars being more alert. You know, they suspect him of blood magic." The first apprentice pulled a book off the shelf and started flipping through it. The other one gave a low hum of agreeance but otherwise said nothing.

Tasha glanced back at Jowan, who was staring straight ahead, the muscle in his jaw twitching. His anger was soft, but it was still there. Acting confident when she was far from feeling that way, the mage led the way into the basement.

AN: Ah, Tasha. Lovely time for you to start making tough decisions. So sorry, but it doesn't get easier after this.

Also, just an FYI, I will be uploading again today, probably tonight (MDT). It's my parents' anniversary and since I get a good day, I might as well share it with the rest of you lovely folks. And as always, huge shoutout to my beta, asteracea. She's amazing.