ALIEN ONE-SHOTS

Disclaimer: The ALIEN franchise and all related characters wherein are the intellectual property of 20th Century Fox.

WHAT'S THE ONE-SHOT TODAY, MUTHER?

ALIEN/PREDATOR ONE-SHOT

FRANCHISE SPECIFIC: YES

FRANCHISE: ALIEN

FILM SPECIFIC: MOSTLY FILM SPECIFIC... MOSTLY

FILM(S): ALIEN (1979), ALIENS (1986), AIRPLANE! (1980)... WAIT A MINUTE...

PARODY: DEFINITELY

ONE-SHOT 003: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, LAMBERT!

Inside the dining area of the USCSS Nostromo, the remaining four crew members mulled over their options. It was Ripley who finally broke the silence that had hung over the room like a suffocating blanket. "Unless someone has a better idea, we'll proceed with Captain Dallas's plan," Ripley said.

"What!?" Lambert asked her incredulously, her eyes wide and close to tears. "And end up like the others!? Oh no! You're out of your mind!" Lambert sobbed. Ripley looked at Lambert sternly. "Do you have a better idea?" Ripley asked the hysterical woman.

"Yes! I say we abandon this ship! We grab the shuttle and just get the hell out of here! We'll take our chances and just... just hope that somebody picks us up!" Lambert sobbed. "Lambert don't fall apart on us," Ripley said. Just then, Lambert's left arm fell off and plopped onto the floor.

Ash walked over and picked it up before putting it back in place. "There you go," Ash said cordially with a nod of his head. "Thanks," Lambert said with a sniffle. "Lambert, the shuttle won't take four," Ripley said.

"Then we'll draw straws!" Lambert retorted. "I ain't drawin' any straws. I'm for killing that goddamn thing right now," Parker spat. "But we've gotta get out of here! We've gotta get out of here!" Lambert began repeating hysterically.

"Lambert," Ripley said.

"We gotta get out of here!"

"Lambert," Ripley said again, to no avail.

"We gotta get out of here! We gotta get out of here!"

"Lambert," Ripley said with more force this time. Again, Lambert did not hear her. Parker soon shook his head and walked over to the hysterical woman, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Lambert, get a hold of yourself!" Parker snapped at her.

Ripley then walked over and pushed Parker out of the way. "Here let me have a shot," Ripley said before slapping Lambert. "Lambert, get a hold of yourself! It's gonna be okay!" Ripley snapped at the hysterical woman.

Ash then walked over and pushed Ripley out of the way. He then grabbed Lambert by the shoulders and began shaking her. "It's gonna be okay! Get a hold of yourself, it's gonna be okay!" Ash told Lambert before striking her twice.

"Hey, let me try," Corporal Hicks said as he pushed Ash to the side and began shaking Lambert while slapping her three times. "Get a hold of yourself, dammit! It's gonna be okay!" Hicks yelled at her. Private Hudson came up behind him and urged him to move, just before he slapped Lambert one more time.

"Hey, come on, babe!" Hudson said as he shook Lambert by her shoulders. "It's gonna be okay! It ain't game over yet!" Hudson said before Private Vasquez pushed him to the side and grabbed Lambert by the shoulders. "Get a hold of yourself! It's gonna be okay!" Vasquez snapped before she slapped Lambert five times in a row.

Vasquez was then gently pushed to the side by Bishop, who grabbed Lambert by the shoulders gently. "Please, be calm. Please, get a hold of yourself, Miss Lambert. It's gonna be okay," Bishop said as he raised his hand, only to find that his programming wouldn't allow him to slap Lambert. He was then shoved to the side by David.

David grabbed Lambert by the shoulders and shook her violently. "Get a hold of yourself! It's gonna be okay!" David said before slapping Lambert ten times in a row. He was then pushed aside by Walter, who had only one hand. "Please, remain calm, Miss Lambert. Things will be-" "Move aside," Call said as she pushed Walter away.

Call then grabbed Lambert by her shoulders and shook her violently. "Get a hold of yourself, you whiny fucking bitch! Things are gonna be okay!" the gynoid snapped at Lambert.

Lambert was still hysterical as a line of figures each took their turn trying to get her under control, including Lieutenant Gorman, Kane's Son, R.J. MacReady, Private Drake, Sergeant Apone, Sergeant Johnson, Master Chief Petty Officer John 117, The Arbiter, Dutch Schaefer, John Spartan, Simon Phoenix, Casey Ryback, Rebecca "Newt" Jordan, Snake Plissken, James Earl Jones, The T-1000, Gary Busey, John McClane, The Kool-aid Mascot, a nun, a doctor, a priest, a rabbi, Don Knotts, Mike Piazza, Daniels, Tennessee, the ghost of Graham Chapman, and even The Dragon (the dog/ox alien) from Fiorina 161.

FIN

Author's Notes: I love AIRPLANE! (1980). I really do. So I combined it with ALIEN (1979). I hope that everyone enjoyed reading this little one shot.

Don't be afraid to let me know what you think in your reviews. It'll be okay!