Chapter 22
Backsliding

Adrien

The thing was, we didn't know anything about what Scott was doing. One morning he was just up and gone. Rachel wasn't all too surprised by his quick disappearance. Especially, she said, since all the available women had left the premises. Around the same time, Kate stopped replying to my emails—not altogether, but her replies were certainly less frequent and more vague. Maybe Johnny would've been able to pull a connection out of those two seemingly isolated events. But me, I didn't get it.

But then, I didn't get anything. I didn't get that what I'd felt for Rachel before had been merely infatuation--the kind of infatuation, if you're not careful, that you can get for anything new. And I didn't get that now, as Kate's email slowed to what seemed an inevitable stop, it was basically a rebound reaction to fall back into the Rachel infatuation. Kate seemed to be doing fine without me, and I wanted to be fine without her too.

With everyone else gone and absolutely nothing to do, it was the easiest thing in the world to fall back into a pattern with Rachel, ignoring the steady feeling that something wasn't right. I suppose I rationalized that my ever-persistent sense of unrest had nothing to do with Rachel or Kate or any of that at all. With so much gone wrong with Johnny, it was easy to peg all of my anxiety on that issue and ignore the rest.

The week after Scott left was actually the last week I lived with these kinds of self-delusions. At the end of the week, Johnny had his accident. That accident threw us all back together again—me, Kate, Rachel and Scott, Manda and Jess—and then somehow got everything back to how it was supposed to be. At least in my case.

For now, though, I was so so deluded. In other words, I was so so in love.

If things had gone a little differently and I had ended up with Rachel, I'm not sure I can say we would've all been completely miserable for the rest of our lives. There would've been more bad days certainly: a lot of awkwardness between Kate and me at the beginning, maybe a semi-permanent schism between Johnny and me, some unavoidable character conflicts with Rachel.

The point is that despite all of that, I probably could've found a way to be happy with Rachel. Not as happy as I am now, with Kate, but certainly as happy as most of the world. What I mean is to say that not everything about our relationship was bad.

I'll admit, we wanted each other for all the wrong reasons. But we did get along. I liked her because she was witty and smart and the kind of person who's easy to like. And she had developed a funny affection for my "moral center," as she called it, which was a little patronizing—probably not the best thing to base a marriage on, but at least something to work with.

She didn't like that I was going to be a teacher, a profession that held no prestige at all. But eventually she made peace with it, saying that it was okay because I would always be a Mansfield. I should've been offended, but she said it in a way that made it impossible to take offense. And besides, I was so, so deluded and so, so in love.

Johnny called my cell once during that week, but I missed it. I called him back three times, but he must have changed his mind about talking to me because he never answered. Or maybe he'd just pressed the wrong number.

Manda called me too, wanting to come home from Jess's house, which she'd take to referring to as "prison." She sounded so desperate to get out of there, I told her I'd drive up the next day to get her if she wanted. Then, thinking twice, I added, "But you know I'm starting student teaching a month. No one's going to be here."

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line. Then she said, "Oh my God. I am so stranded." I told her I would come get her anyway, but she told me not to worry about it. After another pause she added, "But don't take is as, like, a personal betrayal if I go on the road with Johnny, okay?"

I told her I wouldn't, trying not to mind that her personal crisis was now colliding with mine. But I couldn't stop the thought from coming to my mind that eventually my whole family would be on the road with Johnny, and I'd be here in the house by myself. Which was such a sad picture, that I had to laugh and it. And so I turned it into a joke and told it to Manda.

Manda said, "That's not funny," and it hit me that Manda was an adult, and that I really didn't know this Manda—who could be serious about things and didn't just blindly follow her sister's lead anymore.

After a few more minutes, I hung up with Manda and immediately filled Rachel—beside me on the couch—in on the side of the conversation she hadn't heard. Then I asked, "Do you ever feel like you don't know your siblings as well as you should?"

She made a cute face. "No. God. My sibling is Scott. Mostly, I wish I didn't know him so well." By this point, she knew from Johnny that Scott was with Kate. And still, no one had told me.

I laughed a little, and then we were both thoughtful. Rachel added, "But if my siblings were your siblings, I'd probably think it all the time."

It was the right thing to say somehow, because it seemed to excuse me. I smiled and looked at her and I the thought struck me that maybe I would marry her someday. The eventuality of that had never struck me before, and now that it did it seemed so strange that later that day I tried my best to translate the feeling into an email to Kate—who wouldn't answer, but who I still needed to be a part of every aspect of my life.

Which said a lot in itself. I just didn't understand yet what it said

Scott

That week I spent with Kate was both the best and the worst week of my life. Paradoxical, I know. And pathetically cliché at the same time. When I had to read that Dickens book back in high school, I thought he was just talking shit with all that best-of-times-worst-of-times crap. But looking back on that week with Kate, I can see what the guy was driving it at.

It was exactly seven days from the time I showed up at her lobby until The Accident—which ended up being such a defining event in all of our lives that it always should be referred to with capital letters. For me, The Accident marked the beginning of the end. Or maybe the beginning came before that—when I kissed Kate, knowing full well even at the time that she didn't really want me to. Not yet.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me take you back to the best-of-times part.

Of course Kate didn't send me away. Under the circumstances, what girl would? There I was, all apology and earnestness. And there she was, freshly disappointed from a lifetime of devotion to Adrien gone to waste. And the crazy roommate liked me. So I had all of these things going for me and no strikes against. Except for my previous behavior, that is, and that was easy enough to shove to the back of one's mind.

In the beginning, I wasn't sure what I was doing there anyway, going after Kate like I was. I wasn't trying to prove Jess wrong about Kate being too good for me. Because there was no proving her wrong. Kate was too good for me. Even I had to admit that. I guess what I was trying to prove then was that, too good for me or not, I could get what I wanted when I wanted it, whatever or whomever that might be.

Admittedly not the noblest of intentions, so maybe I deserved everything that I had coming to me.

One way or another, it was almost too easy to squirm my way back into Kate's good graces. It only took me a day to do it. Only fifteen minutes really, because as soon as Becka and Christian left and I said that bit about being friends, that was it. She was sold, and I was feeling rather confident.

Of course, what I didn't realize then was that when she said we could be friends, she meant that we could be just that.

If I hadn't been me—that is, mostly selfish and not very patient—I probably could've dealt with that and laid low until she was once and finally done with the Adrien thing. But as it were, I wasn't one for putting on the friend cap and waiting it out. So what I figured was I just needed to step up my game.

And so, in spirit of that, I told her the truth the following afternoon: that I was, you know, there in pursuit of her.

Kate looked at me with her big, blank eyes, and I thought that maybe I should've saved this conversation for when the crazy roommate was around, who certainly would've taken my side.

"I thought we were going to be friends," she said. We were sitting outside of the girls dorm, on the left side, under a tree which Kate claimed was the best tree on campus. That was a weird thing to notice and not something I would care about myself. But somehow it was sweet that she noticed it.

"And we are," I answered matter-of-factly. "But just until you get over the Adrien hump, at which point you'll naturally realize that I am the true love of your life."

She shook her head and returned the majority of her attention back to her Economics textbook. "Cute."

"I am cute," I agreed.

"And totally insincere." She glanced back up to give me a smile that seemed a tad bit vindictive. As I've said, Kate wasn't just blindly buying whatever I was selling anymore. Consequently, my usual tactics didn't always work. Right now, for instance. It was fair enough for her to be cautious, I guess, considering recent history. But sometimes I still thought she was making me work too hard.

"I am not insincere," I groused, on the defensive and inexplicably offended by the accusation, which normally wasn't too wide of the mark.

"Oh my God, are you sulking?" I looked at Kate and she was looking at me, highly amused. I didn't feel like laughing at myself right then, but I knew better than to be a poor sport.

"Yes," I said. "You're mean today."

She shut her book, clearly enjoying the upper hand. "Fine. Prove me wrong."

"How so?" I raised my eyebrows, starting to feel alright about this. Challenges I could handle.

"Tell me something true," she instructed.

I shook my head. "Now this is not a fair game. No matter what I say, I'm not going to be able to prove it."

"Not necessarily," she shrugged.

"Fine," I looked around and then pointed toward the girl's dorm parking lot. "That van over there is white." Kate stared at me. "That's it," I added.

"What?" she said, indignant but smiling, and threw her pencil at me. "That's not what I meant."

"It's true and I can prove it."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Here, I'll give you an example." She paused and tapped a finger nail on her text book for a moment, thinking. Then she said. "Okay, here's something. Johnny's coming."

I groaned and lay back in the grass. Somehow I'd known she was going to tell me something I didn't want to hear.

"And I can prove that when he shows up," Kate added.

"To run me out of town, I'm assuming." I covered my eyes with my arm to shield them from the sun. Defending myself to Johnny was something I wasn't looking forward to, and the prospect of it made me to step back and look at things. I was getting in way deep, that was for sure. And I hadn't even considered yet what I was going to do if Kate did make a switch to my side. I wanted her, sure, but I wasn't really into long term things right then. On the other hand, was I really putting in this much work for just a quick in-and-out thing? I had to admit, I didn't mind the prospect of Kate in my future. But I also didn't like thinking of my future in terms of settling down.

Kate brought me back to the here and now. "Yep," she said, sounding mighty cheerful about that. "Your turn."

"Hmmm," I mumbled, and then I was quiet while I thought, and Kate was quiet too. I did have something, but I wasn't sure I wanted to go there. Then I figured, why not? I sat up. "Rachel called me. She knows I'm here, but it sure doesn't sound like Adrien does."

Kate didn't look like she was having fun anymore. She shifted uncomfortably. "Your truth was supposed to be about you, not me."

"You didn't say that. Besides, yours was about Johnny." She frowned, not exactly at me. More because I'd made a valid point. I proceeded, "And I think I can prove I'm right, judging by the look on your face."

I watched as her expression changed, and then she sighed. "Still such a jerk," she said, as if I was a project gone wrong. I suddenly felt horrible about myself, which wasn't a feeling I was used to.

"Sorry," I said.

She nodded curtly and smiled. "Good. There's hope for your improvement then." She motioned for me to return her pencil, and once I had, collected herself and stood. I followed after her.

"But just so you know, I'm still never going to like you." She glanced at me sideways to gage my reaction to the jest.

"Oh, please," I returned playfully. "You already like me."

"Yeah, well, I'm fighting it," she said, which was definitely not a denial. She added, "Besides, Becka wants me to marry her cousin, so you've got plenty of competition."

I grunted and we walked a few paces in silence. Then, following the train of my thoughts, I asked, "Who do you think told Rachel about me being here anyway?"

"You," Kate said.

I shook my head. "Nope. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. You don't think she's talking to Johnny?"

Of course Kate didn't think that. She wrinkled her nose. "No. Why would she be?"

"I think their hot for each other."

Kate looked like she wanted to thrown the pencil at me again.

"What?" I asked. "It's what I think. I think you ought to appreciate my honesty here, considering the truth game you just had me playing."

Kate gave me a look which said that the truth game was over now. But after a moment of considering, she admitted, "But if you didn't tell her…" She paused and looked at me, to make sure I wasn't going to make any kind of admission. I wasn't. She continued. "I don't know who else could have."

"Scandalous." I grinned.

"You bad," she said, pretending to disapprove.

"Yeah, but wouldn't it be fun to date me?"

"No," Kate said. "I like nice boys." But she didn't mean that completely.

Kate

I wished Becka would leave me alone about Scott. I was having a hard enough time trying to fend him off without her constantly on my back about the situation. What I needed was someone telling me not to get involved with him again—Johnny or Adrien. And Johnny was coming (thank God). But Adrien didn't even know.

"I'm just saying I like him," Becka said. We were in our dorm room, me, her, and the fiancé. She was supposed to be studying, but she was more just bugging me about Scott. "He's funny and charming and sweet and—"

"Completely full of crap," I finished for her. Although, the truth was I had mixed feeling about the subject. Part of me did wish he would just go away, leave me alone. And yet, another part desperately wanted him to be for real. All current evidence suggested that he was. That or this was one elaborate game he was playing.

Becka waved me off, like completely full of crap meant nothing. "Guys are all completely full of crap."

I shook my head, thinking about Adrien—the only guy I knew who wasn't, even including Johnny in that calculation. Wisely, I didn't voice my train of thought to Becka. Instead I said, "I like how you say that, like you're not the one dating Wonder Boy." I waved towards Christian's direction, and he looked up from the book he was reading.

"Wonder Boy. I like it," he said.

"God, don't get him started," Becka scowled. Christian's inflated ego was a joke between them. Although really when it came to inflated egos it might have been the other way around, as Christian was one of those rare perfect-and-aware-of-it-but-not-in-a-conceited way people.

Becka suddenly had a flash of inspiration, "Hey, what about Johnny? Have you ever thought about him?"

"I think I'm going to make a T-shirt. Wonder Boy," Christian said, and was ignored. Although the comment made me think of Johnny's Team Kate apparel, and I smiled to myself.

Becka, watching, pounced. "You're smiling. Ha! You have thought about Johnny."

I turned back to her and the subject at hand. "No. That's disgusting. He's like my brother."

She shrugged. "See, I like that reaction. Why don't you try saying that about Adrien?"

I just a looked at her, blank-faced. I knew it didn't make a lot of sense, the way things had turned out. I had grown up the same way with Adrien and Johnny, so logically they should've been the same thing to me. But they weren't. Johnny was Johnny, and Adrien was Adrien. Johnny was my brother, and Adrien was…

Unable to finish that thought, I clicked on my email and then on the one message in my inbox. The truth was, and I hadn't told anyone this, but I'd stopped really replying to Adrien since Scott had showed up. It wasn't disinterest, because I still read what he sent me with the same kind of starvation. Mostly, it was because I didn't want to tell him about Scott. So when I did reply, I basically said nothing, which made me feel guilty. And feeling guilty made me tell him less.

The email he's sent me today floored me. I stared at my computer screen. Somewhere in the background, Becka was still yammering on about something or other. But for me, things had stoped. "He's talking about marrying her," I said aloud. Because seeing, in this case, was not believing. I felt like I needed to say it outloud before it would start to seem real.

"What?" Becka wanted to know.

"Adrien," I said. "Rachel."

"Who's Rachel?" Christian wanted to know.

Becka answered him, which was just fine since I suddenly wasn't in too much of a mood for talking. "The other woman. Scott's sister."

"Scott's sister is the other woman? Wow." Christian was obviously impressed by the soap-opera worthy quality of my life. I couldn't say I blamed him.

"Wait, he's known her for like a month and he's already talking about proposing?" Becka asked.

I shook my head. "No, but he mentioned it as sort of an eventuality." I turned off my screen, leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. I'd been bracing myself for something like this for a while now, but now that the moment was finally here I could see that I wasn't prepared for it. It only served to show how far from moving on I was, and how much I really needed to get there.

There was silence in the room for a moment, as the others allowed me to morn the lost of a cause that was probably lost some time ago. Then Becka ventured, "Can I make a sugestion."

I knew exactly what she was going to suggest, but I told her anyway that I was open to anything. There didn't seem a point in fighting it anymore.

"Call Scott," she said, and handing me the phone. "We're going out tonight. And you," here she pointed at me, "are going to forget about Adrien."

"Adrien?" I said dully, and then I recited mechanically, "That's disgusting, he's like my brother."

Becka was thrilled. Christian looked skeptical. "Don't you have a test tommorrow?" he asked Becka. Becka gave him a more-important-matters-at-hand scowl, and he grinned. "You are so never going to graduate," he said.

I looked at the phone Becka had handed me. And before I had the chance to think twice, I dialed.

A/N: A mega-chapter! Okay, not really but it was a little longer than they have been lately. And maybe a little faster (?) Anyway, good news is I'm settled back at school, so maybe updates will be quicker now. Especially since I'm in this Survey of Math class which is SO boring there's nothing for me to do in it but sit and write chapters ;o) Anyways… Wow, sixteen reviews on the last chapter! I'm so excited, I'll actually stop whining for once:oD, Aw, and y'all remembered Becka and Christian! smiles Anyways, for any one who's wondering, one more chapter of basically Scott-Kate, and then I'll be bringing everyone together for the grand finale. Thank you to everyone and please keep reviewing!

a: Yeah, I think you have mentioned how much you hate Scott :o) I actually stole the whole retelling-with-inputs-of-current-feelings idea from this book I read called A Long Way Down. But they say good writers steal or something like that, right:oD

schokolade: No worries. Ack, don't you hate the real world and it's ugly head? Lol. I had a lot of fun putting Becka and Christian in here. As much as we'd all like her too, I'm afraid Becka probably never will learn to stop with the matchmaking already. :o) Yeah… I've been trying to follow the large plot arches of Mansfield Park, but obviously some of this stuff I pulled way out of left field. I didn't want it to be just a regurgitation. So I'm glad your enjoying my straying from a stricter modernization, because I think it might be annoying some people grins sheepishly

Notredamegirlie: Welcome back to the land of the living! Lol, I know what you're talking about. The internet in my room is broken so I check my email like once a week. Anyways, I've been planning Becka's appearance basically since I started the story. I wasn't sure I was going to use Christian, but I figured, why not? Mwahahaha! I've been hoping Scott would start to grow on some people, because then y'all will be sad for him at the end of the story. I'm so evil. Anyways, I tried for a little Adrien-Rachel development here, as per your suggestion, so I hope that worked out alright.

Rhapsody's Song: Wow, I'm kind of amazed. You are definitely the ONLY person rooting for Scott. Sorry it can't work out that way :o( Although that would make for one helluva surprise ending… If you really want a girl for Johnny, you might wasn't to consider hopping on the Rachel-Johnny train. A few people are rooting for that already.

Vyktorya07: Hurray! New reviewer! Welcome to my story, and thank you for reviewing!

Jayley: Oh my gosh, its amazing how many different people ya'll want Kate to end up with. We'll see about that alternate ending… If you really just want Johnny to get a girl, I'm putting in a plug for Johnny-Rachel to y'all. Hope you liked this chapter :o)

Annie: Christian seems to be everyone's true love. He he. Glad you liked the chapter. Thank for reviewing!

WhiteCamelia: Oh man, you're really making me wanna watch Gone with the Wind now. It's been so long. I love when he makes her go to the party in that red dress. Man, I'm gonna have to go to the video store now. Clark Gable was so hot. Anwyas, thanks (as always) for reviewing. Hope you liked the chapter.

Sandra Starck: Yay, another new reviewer! And another (most of the time) Adrien fan! Thank you so much for reviewing. I'm glad you're liking the story. It all goes down between Scott and Kate in the next chapter, and then Adrien will be more back in the story to stay.

Captain Napalm: Hello! I couldn't resist sticking Becka and Christian in here since I had the chance, because we all know how I feel about Mr. Knightley (his right side says Hola! – I took him to Spanish class). Try to keep those hallucinations under control! He he. Much love.

Huntress of the Stars: No worries. Glad you liked the Christina and Becka inclusion. We weren't sure how that would work out, so I'm glad everyone's liking it. (Okay, I just sounded like I have multiple personality disorder, but I really don't, I swear.)

AliKitKat: Hmmm… Now that everyone's mentioning it, I kinda wish there could be a Johnny/Scott confrontation. Unfortunately, plot necessitates me to go in a different direction right now, but maybe I'll be able to work that in later.

Embracing: A little bit of Adrien here. Sorry, I know Scott's kind of dominating the plot here. But I promise: only one more chapter and then it'll be pretty much Adrien until the end.

Slam a revolving door: Lol! I've always thought House was freaking sexy, and all my friends think I'm weird for that. But really I'm more of a Lost fan at heart. Everyone is hot on that show :oD So what country are you in? Anyway… OH MY GOD I can't believe you mention I Capture the Castle. I LOVE that book! Sorry, that was a little gushy. It is really sad but it's really beautiful at the same time. I like sad things every now and then. Anyways, glad you liked the chapter. I'm thrilled that Scott's finally growing on people too. :oD

Fyre-angel: Yeah I can't wait to get to all that good stuff, but I'm trying my best not to rush it. :o) Yeah, I kinda wanted to keep up with some Kate-Adrien stuff even during their separation., Everything happens so suddenly at the end of Mansfield Park. About the drawing… there picture of the slaves on the plantation the family owns being mistreated I think. Anyways, all that stuff about the slaves in the movie is just added in and not in the book at all… so I'm skipping it :o)

Jill: DARLING! So this is a review of your review of Chapter 21, even though I know I haven't reviewed the chapter 20 review yet. My computer's broken so I have to hike it all the way to the library's computer lab to get on the internet. But I promise you I WILL get to that review some time in the VERY near future, and that's not even the relatively near future. Hopefully Sunday I'll have some time. And then I'll get on those creative endeavors as soon as I can. Anyways, first of all the review was well worth the wait and I'm thinking longer than the chapter was itself. First of all, hearing you say that you on your way to becoming Scott's #1 fan is something I will take to the grave (!), even though I realize it was written with the deepest sarcasm. And you're probably right: Adrien will always have a piece of Kate's heart. Shannon: "I suggest embracing humanity through lesbianism." Shannon is getting restless, having been out of commission for some time, and insists on joining me for this review. Anyways, I'm kind of sad that Jeremy hasn't gotten to make a flesh-and-blood appearance here, but I didn't want to totally clutter up the story with My Own Mr. Knightley characters. Sawyer: "You know, I think use an incestuous, Arkansas-ian cousin." Shannon: "You're perverted enough without one." Charlie: "I kissed my cousin once." Sawyer, Shannon: stare blankly at Charlie. Charlie: "What? I was doing a lot of heroine." Now that would be a good ending to this story: Kate could rebound with Jeremy and we can just skip the rest. Shannon: "Or I'll give her Sawyer." Sawyer: "How many times do we have to go over the fact that I am not your personal bitch." Shannon: "Whatever, bitch." Okay, so… enters vile Scott. You know, I think this is the part of the story where everyone is in denial actually. Shannon: "Again, I suggest embracing humanity through lesbianism." Sawyer: "You just say that because you're in denial too. I suggest embracing your true feelings for me." Kate: "Did someone say lesbianism?" Shannon: "God, not with you, Kate. Where's Claire?" Sawyer: "Looks like you've got some competition, Ringo." Anyways, about Scott's whole: Jess says you're too good for me line. Here's my analysis: I think Scott knows what attacks Kate to him is his thing where he has moments of unexpected honesty. Also, I think he knows that a line like that is going to floor Kate, and once she's already thrown off her guard it'll be easier for him to break on through. He's a smart boy, that Scott. He's just not a worthy boy (props to the third Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book, and yes, I must embarrassedly admit that I read them). I never thought of Scott maybe being like a project to Kate, I always figured he was more of a challenge. But I liked that idea, and I think there was a line in this chapter about him being a project gone bad so shout out to you! Ah, please don't threaten to give up on Kate if she gives in to Scott now… and you can consider that a forewarning for the next chapter if you like. Anyways, I'm thrilled beyond belief that you're okay with Becka and Christian in here. I was trying my best to play it straight with them, like I was just introducing them as new characters without anyone knowing who they were, and not making it to inside-joke-y. Christian & Becka were so easy to write (as opposed to this lot) it was almost a relief to stick them in here. And yes, I AM gloating about your admission re: Becka. Hahahaha! Know if only vile Scott would grow on you to (have you noticed… some people do actually like him. I'm amazed). And then for the rest of the chapter Scott basically manipulates Kate. You know, the thing is though, I'm never quite sure about how sincere Scott is myself, so I guess that's something open for interpretation. Sawyer: "Kind of like mine and Sticks relationship." Shannon: "Sawyer, we do not have a relationship." Charlie: "Who wants to help me keep Shannon away from Claire." Kate: "I'm not giving you any guns, Charlie." As for the Ranny emails… I was thinking today how unfair it is that you ALWAYS win. What with the Shawnon kiss, and now the Ranny. Sawyer: "That kiss had nothing to do with her. I'm just irresistible." Shannon: "Okay, now I need a gun." So I guess the impotent power is all yours. And now I have to go to work. Love ya chicka!