Recap

After Beth kicks Jerry out, Jerry decides to look for a job in the city. Buuut that turns out to be a bad idea, 'cause instead of being honest human beings in the face of lawlessness, everyone's just kind of pillaging defenseless businesses. In desperation, Jerry returns to his house if only to feed himself and wash his clothes. When he sees Rick, he finds himself asking for help in the job search. Rick is like, "Nah," and kicks him out.

Summary

Rick has a change of heart.

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CHAPTER 2: JERRY ACTUALLY GETS A JOB

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Jerry stood on the corner of first and main in old town, arguing with Carlotta Charlusse.

"They're durable, I swear!" He thrust out his old tidy-whities, stretching them between his two hands as a demonstration. "I've had these for three years and they barely looked a year old. They're guaranteed to last another five years at least..."

Carlotta grimaced, her big trench coat jangling as she shifted positions. Out of one of her many hidden pockets, she pulled a small cardboard box containing an assortment of cigarettes (all of which appeared to be different brands).

"Jerry, listen," she said, lighting her smoke. She coughed a second later and then resumed speaking, her voice gravelly and grating. "I know you're desperate. I know. But I'm runnin' a business here! I can't give you a bag of pills for those old things!" Carlotta reached into another pocket and drew a pair of nice, clean panties from their depths. "See this? See how nice these are? I paid with a half-empty tube of lipstick. Even these ain't worth pills." She shook her head. "Those old things you got ain't worth a skid mark."

Jerry bunched up the underwear in his fists, fighting back tears. "Carlotta, please. I'm so hungry."

Carlotta rolled her eyes. "Oh, quit yer cryin'. Like I don't know what it feel like to starve. You're not starvin' till you're eatin' mouse shit." She dropped her cigarette and squashed it under her heel. "Come see me when you're worth something, aight?"

She stalked away, her back straight and heels clicking. She had an air about her like she was a queen in a fur coat rather than a wrinkly ex-prostitute wearing a modified trench coat.

Jerry let his head hang. Oh, here come the waterworks. Tears dripped onto the sidewalk and Jerry stuffed a fist in his mouth, hoping to stifle his sobs and maybe alleviate his intense hunger for a moment too.

Which is when, from behind him, he heard a distinct slurp.

Jerry whipped around, wiping tears from his cheeks. "R-rick?"

Rick looked him up and down. "Pretty pathetic, Jerry."

Jerry looked away. "Great. So you're here to watch me suffer, huh?"

Rick scowled. "Gee, thanks. I came here to get you a fuckin' job and you treat me like that? Way grate—way to be grateful, Jerry."

Jerry's head snapped up. "Wait, really?" he blurted. And then he cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes as he said, "Wait… why… what's in it for you?"

"Can't a guy just do something nice?" Rick glared and took ahold of Jerry's shirt. "C'mon, just—just, let's go. You're frustrating me."

"But—"

Rick was already walking, Jerry forced to stumble in his wake. He dropped his undies in the process and thought about stopping to pick them up but, y'know, he was kind of scared of what Rick would do if he tried…

Rick dragged Jerry into a nearby alleyway where his ship was parked. "Get in," Rick shoved Jerry aside and climbed into the driver's seat.

Jerry followed suit, gingerly closing the passenger door and searching for a seatbelt. When he looked up, Rick was taking another swig from his flask.

"Should you really be drinking and driving?"

"Jerry, my drunk is still a-a-a-a-a thousand times more lucid than your sober, so maybe-maybe shut the fuck up, okay, Jerry?"

"Okay, jeez…"

Rick glared at the windshield, muttering under his breath as he flicked countless switches. He pulled up and within a minute, they were entering the lower tiers of Earth's atmosphere.

"Hey, wait, where're we going? I thought we were gonna—"

"Yeah, w-w-well, my—it's not like my whole day revolves around you, JerRY. We're visiting some friends."

Jerry muttered something like, how do YOU have FRIENDS?, but it quiet enough that it didn't garner a response from Rick. Jerry frowned and shifted himself towards the window, subconsciously shielding himself from Rick as he leaned his elbow on the sill of the spaceship.

It was weird how empty the Earth's sky was—just a month ago, you couldn't look up without seeing at least twenty hovercars and galactic vehicles perusing the sky. The roads were pretty clear during that time, aside from the very few cars that sometimes passed (the Galactic Federation had deemed most cars a health hazard, so only electric cars remained on the road and even those weren't allowed out past eight on weekdays).

Jerry had never thought he'd be interested in an alien way of life, but he liked not having to look both ways while crossing the street. He liked how quiet and functional the world was without traffic jams and news editorials on devastating car accidents.

Oh, and that wasn't to mention the clothes. They had been made of some strange lightweight material, strong and supple, like soft chainmail. The cloth couldn't be broken by a blade but it was never too hot or anything like that either. Jerry bought a new suit at least once a month while the Federation was in charge; it was just so convenient! He never had to worry about carrying money on him since Fed credits were partially logged onto a chip in his wrist, and he never had to budget to make sure there'd still be enough leftover to buy groceries. All that was covered for him; he job supplied him nutrition supplements and, after he'd paid off his inital debt the the government, his credits kept building up!

But all that was over, thought Jerry as he blinked himself back to reality. He twisted around in his seat, looking back through the windshield at a shrinking Earth. When he turned back around, he sighed and slumped, fixing his eyes on distant stars.

"Hey," he said after another second, "Why're you bothering with this? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad but… well, if this is a ploy or some sort, do you mind just… leaving me out? I've had a rough couple of weeks."

Rick burped, sitting back as the two cruised through space. He gave an exhausted sigh before speaking. "Listen, you—I'm not doing this for you or to you. I know you're not gonna leave us alone unless you've got a job. You'll keep washing your clothes in the garage and taking our food and I'm just, I don't wanna deal with that shit. Got it?"

"I knew it was something," muttered Jerry, "It's always something. You know–"

With that, Rick flung out his long arm and twisted a dial. Alien music crackled loudly on the speakers, effectively drowning out Jerry's complaints. Jerry shut his mouth, brows creased as he listened to the strange syncopations oozing from the ship's radio.

He definitely preferred human music.

...

After a half-hour, Rick sat up and took hold of the steering wheel. He steered downward and only then did Jerry realize they were approaching a large asteroid covered in suspicious-looking buildings, many lit by neon lights.

He yelped when Rick's knobbly old fist thrust itself under his face.

"Take thIS," Rick shoved something small into Jerry's hand—a pill.

His mouth watered. Was it turkey-flavored? Maybe it was a grilled ham-and-cheese. Oh, or creme brulee… "What is—"

"It's so you don't die out there, Jerry, just take it, jeSUS christ."

Jerry dry-swallowed the pill, having gotten quite used to it over the past few months. He was disappointed when it didn't taste like anything aside from chemical ass.

Rick landed the ship in an empty strip mall parking lot and slipped quietly out of the door. Jerry followed suit, staring at the surrounding buildings—all the signs were in alien languages, most with little neon caricatures beside them illustrating the business's purpose. At least that's what Jerry assumed. One had a strange blob thing that appeared to be sliding down a stripper pole with each flash, and another had some kind of weird boxy-thing covered in spots, above which were little heat squiggles.

Rick dragged him towards a low, beige building with flickering fluorescent lights and a sign illustrating what looked like a pile of pancakes. Rick's strides were quick and purposeful. Jerry didn't have short legs or anything, but he found he had to do a sort of half-run to keep up with the guy.

Rick burst through the door of the business; immediately, four creatures looked up from a table at which they appeared to have been playing cards. Jerry stopped walking as soon as he entered the room, but Rick went right up to them and started talking.

Or, actually, grunting. His voice came out guttural and… yeah, nope, there were no english words in there, nope. Jerry was reminded of his brief trip out of the Jerryboree. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants.

One of the alien creatures had a wide, reptilian face with pupils slit horizontally and a long mane of coarse hair falling down his back and sticking to a stained wife beater. The alien right next to the reptile thing was just an translucent, dripping blue blob whose organs could easily be seen suspended in his body. The other two aliens, meanwhile, looked like Kermit the Frog caricatures, with glowing orange eyes and little moist skin flaps by the neck and ears.

"Jerry," Rick turned to look over his shoulder and the aliens followed his gaze. "What're you doing back there, come on."

Jerry smiled nervously and rushed up to Rick's side.

The aliens kept looking at him. One of the Kermit-the-Frog creatures started talking to him, even, but he couldn't understand the—

Jerry felt a sharp pain in his arm. He recoiled, a hand slapping over the spot as he stared at Rick. "Ow! What the–"

"Just listen," said Rick, wrapping his syringe in a cloth before tucking it back in his coat pocket.

Jerry gulped; the Kermit was still speaking, except as the seconds ticked on, Jerry was finding it less and less difficult to understand.

"–gotta know how to drive a spaceship. Obviously. This is a Flim Flam delivery service, it ain't gonna fly if you don't know that. Does he?" Kermit then turned to Rick. Rick just shrugged. "Well, I guess it's not too hard. Anyway, yeah, we can't pay you much but we've got an extra room and we could really use the extra hands so… what do you think?"

Jerry opened his mouth, but before he could ask one of his millions of questions, Rick interrupted. "He'll take it."

"Um," Jerry leaned over to hiss in Rick's ear. "What am I taking?"

Rick grimaced and pulled back. "A job, Jerry. You're taking the job." He thrust his chin at Kermit, and Jerry followed the gesture. Kermit's… hands… were clasped together and his already wide mouth had stretched even further across his face. A smile, Jerry hoped.

"Wait," Jerry said slowly, leaning towards Rick again. "Wait, I thought we were running an—"

"He wants to start ASAuuurhhP," burped Rick.

"Hey—"

"All right," the Kermit rose. "Then let's get started."

"Thanks, Renchin, this means a louUut." Rick banged his chest and spit a little phlegm to the side. The aliens didn't appear to mind—in fact, the blue blob shuffled over with a cup and scooped the snot off the ground before shoving it in his… well, Jerry wasn't sure what that opening was. Was it a mouth? A butthole?

"Anytime, Rick, we owe you." Kermit bared his teeth and Jerry recoiled.

"But–"

"Ah," Rick waved away the compliment. "You-you let me know if you wanna get rid of him. He can be a real pain sometimes."

"Rick–"

Kermit let out a weird chortling noise. "Sure. See you next week for Klammy Tams?"

"'CouUUurse, bab-eeee! Gonna beat yer ass so hard."

"Yeah, right, Rick, that's whatchu said last time–"

"I was goin' easy," Rick took a swig and grinned; yellow teeth and red gums. His free hand bunched itself into the back of Jerry's polo. Jerry stared at Rick, and Rick hissed, "It's this or the homeless shelter."

Jerry thought of piss and lines for stew and asking for more porridge, please… He'd never been to a homeless shelter but he imagined it to be much like Oliver Twist (clarification: what little he actually knew about Oliver Twist). Jerry gulped and let his shoulders drop in resignation.

Rick released him and exchanged some lighthearted quips with the Kermit before leaving. Jerry watched helplessly as Rick swaggered to the door, lifting a single hand in goodbye. He didn't turn back until he watched the spaceship disappear into the stars. Jerry was realizing that, as usual, this was a huge mistake. How was he gonna contact Beth? The kids? How was he gonna get ho–

"So," a slimy hand landed on his shoulder courtesy of the coarse-haired reptile. It guided him towards a swing-door into the kitchen. "Letsa getchu to your room, eh? Work start tomorrow. It be fine."

"Oh-ohkay." Jerry let himself be led, glancing over his shoulder to see the three remaining aliens with their eyes glued to him. He didn't think he'd sleep much tonight.

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A/N:

Up next—Jerry regrets his decision! What a surprise.