Anyone but you.

It takes him time to notice. Moments, touches, thoughts.

He's lived years of somebody else's life, being somebody else's son, living on borrowed time. He should have died, more than once, but persisted, set a goal. It's so minimum at the beginning, a simple wish, I don't want to die. Later on, it takes a better shape, he sees it in the shadows formed under the tree he set on fire himself. I want to live. When he's invited to the palace, the place he should never have left, it shifts again. The fire is now inside of him, inside his heart. I want to live here. I want to be here. Wants to take back his place, his character. The seat meant for him. He's not quite sure what it is yet. The general tells him that there's only one seat in Songak, but even the insinuation is a bad joke. A scorn. He sets to observe. To aide. He's a shadow with a sword in one hand, the other reaching for backs that stayed turned to him.

In Songak he has a goal. He has a goal and he's set on fulfilling this role, the role of prince, the role of a loyal servant, so why? Why does it all go blurry the moment she appears?

As the days pass, he discovers her freedom is important to him. The safety of her spirit. The way she smiles at him and tells him that she'll try and find a way out of a marriage with the king himself. Later, when he touches her wrist and thinks of the scar there, it's heavy on his chest; the scar, the implications, the blood she shed. She drives him crazy, stupid girl who doesn't think before she acts, who smiles at punishments as though she's safe, who dismisses his words with comfort for him. She speaks of his company in the same voice that wished him good dreams and for the first time he feels he's not a bad omen.

She seems to enjoy his company, to enjoy being by his side. She listens. And he wants to talk. Wants to talk even about things he's never wanted to talk with anybody else. Shinju. She reminds him of Shinju but in contrast, the man he were and the man he wants to be. Then and now. The suffering he couldn't avoid and the one he can. The one he wants to avoid. Hers. He wants her to do well, to feel well. To not have bad dreams.

And it clashes with his goals. He wanted to spirit her away before the king could touch her. He vowed to be nothing but a servant but he doesn't serve, not when it comes to her. He wants to be more than a wolf but he still growls. Still shows his teeth. Her life is important, he tells her this, looks into her eyes. His life was important but not as important as hers. Her force is strong enough to pull Mu, the crown prince, in. She impressed the king. It should be reckoned, protected.

It takes him time. Moments of witnessing her courage, her honesty, the way she looked away when she was embarrassed. Touches, him holding her so she wouldn't fall off his horse. Thoughts of a world without her in it. It starts, the feeling, becomes stronger than the sense of belonging when he's around his brothers, stronger than the affection he grows for Baek Ah. Whenever he feels like the palace is his home, something throws him off, a game of words he doesn't want to play, not with Yo, not with his mother, not with Yeon Hwa. He feels like he's being pushed away and he doesn't want her to be pushed like that. Doesn't want her in any game of power. Doesn't want her to get hurt.

It's when she sings about loneliness that he notices, that he sees the connection; his feelings and hers. Feels more than he sees. Every word and every moment they shared strike him like lightning bolt. The tears and the smiles and comfort meant for him. The touch on his arm and the concern for his wounds. The words I can relate to you. He who has only had nothing.

Is it okay to want?

A light cherished by almost everyone he knew. Who was he to claim it for his own? What right did he have, with tainted hands and a cursed face, how could he want it? Yet, she was there. She existed. She accepted, his words, his presence. I want someone who will treasure me. He barely gave it thought before Yeon Hwa brought it up but it was too tempting now, too strong. I want you to treasure me. It shifted. It always shifted, as time always moved forward.

He looks for her when he enters the room. Looks for her eyes. For her smile. It's bright, a sunlight, and he's compelled to smile back. Has to force himself to look away, to listen to other people. Yo talks and that should have tipped him off but it doesn't, he's still inebriated in the realization, the new thought that he didn't know if he wanted to set as goal yet. When she talks about him, it elevates him. He dares thinking about trust, dares thinking she might be even proud of him, of knowing him. Without even knowing, he trusts her with a heart that is fragile to the touch.

Unaware, she lets it slip through her fingers.

When he takes off his mask, every head in the room looks away but hers. Her eyes never falter, not once. He watches her brows furrow together, he looks away, her eyes are too big and too much, but when he looks back, she's still there. He can't will her away. Can't will the pity away.

Anyone but you.

She's a part of it now. A part of the game. The one that pushes him away. There were so many things about her that set her apart, her drawings, her need to be recognized with minimum effort. So many things about her weren't a part of Goryeo, weren't part of anything he knew until that moment. Then she knew, everything, she could see every flaw that had been carefully locked away and she didn't look away and it confused him. He didn't know what to expect.

I want you to treasure me.

He just knew it was supposed to be different.