He would
be the air in her lungs keeping her from drowning.

He says the words she wanted to hear the most and it scares her. It scares her when she looks into his eyes and knows he's telling the truth, he's only ever been the truth, from the sword ready to kill her to the trust on his lips as deep as the scar on his skin. It scares her, the one who lost so much, to think about him losing his wings to the sun. One year he was gone, and still so much more he was willing to do, she was tired, so tired, of losing, of hurting, of Goryeo.

Court Lady Oh had told her that he learned how to care from her but it was not the truth, he had known before, he had been kind and she could only ever pay him in kind. When she sees his mask after so long her chest hurts because it's not fair, it had never been fair, for him to suffer and live a life in a prison of someone else's making. Even with the visions and the burden of his feelings and the nightmares where the palace was dark and full of corpses. I would do it all over again. Because it wasn't fair. Because he was kind.

He would
be the fire on the candle keeping her from freezing.

She wants his happiness. A conscious counter-attack on time, a disbelief that such a heart could ever hurt the family he sought. It was a lie, it had to be a lie, but how powerless she was, in her insignificance to the king, in her malignant presence that caused people to die or leave. She can't blame Wook, not really, not at all, for the absence, even if it hurts so badly that she craves his laugh and his warmth when her wounds hurt too much for her to sleep. He has to stay away, everyone has to stay away, there was nothing she could do, the palace was far too big, far too much for her to change on her own, so how could she impose herself, how could she save them all, how could she...

Save him.

She draws the fourth prince's face when all the other girls are gone, the face they wanted to see, and it's nothing like they taunt it is; the darkness fascinates them, the wolf dog, but it's not what she sees or what she draws. She draws the look in his eyes beneath the touch of her hand, the eyes that never seemed to blink, seeing the Go Ha Jin peeking through from Hae Soo's robes, seeing her clearly. She remembers walking by his side and being acquainted with the palace and the lake and feeling safe in his friendship and his taunting and his eyes, the ones she draws, mask and all. She remembers the loneliness on his back and the dirt on his clothes and how she couldn't leave him alone, how he made her think about trust again. She remembers how happy and scared he seemed to be home, and how he never reminded her of any of the princes, of the palace, allowing her to forget the decorum that was so demanded of her. It was so easy with him after a while, and so hard before he was gone.

It's worry, she tells herself, I can't stop worrying about him. It's worry that won't leave her mind when she sleeps next to the other maids, it's grief and her mother in white, her head held high before death; it's her mother's footsteps in the snow, already covered by the storm of time; it's the mother she left behind. It's every loss that passed and every loss that will come to pass and she's conflicted between wanting to die in Goryeo and wanting to live and keep them all safe. It's worry, she thinks, of his smile in the rain, the one that turned into Gwangjong. She wants to change his life, she wants to be out of his life. She wonders if she would be missed if she were gone, if history would remember her. She would miss everyone so much.

"I missed you."

The words come so easily to him, as if he had heard her, the voice she didn't want to hear, the shameless part of her that reached out to people despite the warnings and the teachings her mothers tried so hard to pass, but how could she not reach out when she wanted so bad to live? She wouldn't act on that part, no, not again, she had learned her lesson, she knew it was wrong to meddle, to get involved, lest they get hurt because of her or ruined because of her, but when Jung visited, she was glad. When Baek Ah played her a song, she was happy. When Wook said he missed her, she believed him.

When Wang So embraced her, she couldn't move away. It was just a moment, a fragment of seconds. Her chest was heavier than the pain in her leg. She let him hold her hand, she let him smile at her. He called her beautiful. She has to send him away, he's so willing, so fragile before the king, everyone is, his future so uncertain, so red, and still...

The man who is the sea and the wind on her face, who stole her and claimed her without asking for permission, creeping into her heart before either of them had noticed they were close. The man who never feels sorry, not for his words or for his feelings or the way he makes her heart beat faster when his words are honest and straight as arrows. The man who repents, who tries harder, tries better. The man who is the rain in the time of drought and hope and destruction and blood. Choi Ji Mong talks about fate and luck and the stars, but did he see what she saw? Could he ignore it?

How?

She's scared. Of the future, of living, of dying, of losing.

He would
ruin himself for her.

She's scared of herself and the way she hurt him and the way it made her want to comfort him. So she lies.

So she lies.

"The person I want to avoid the most is you."