Following that afternoon's study session, Jane began to feel something she hadn't felt before, at least not that she could recall. She didn't quite know how to describe it. Despite the slightly daunting prospect of discussing her 'feelings' with Miss Isles, she was still overwhelmingly happy.
To her, Miss Isles was kind, beautiful, strong and, more so than she could define, had this hidden self that she found herself very much relating to. She felt they had similar aspects of themselves and, to Jane, this was very reassuring. To see someone who was perhaps a lot like her all grown up, succeeding and, at the very least, functioning. More often than not this was a real fear that crossed her mind.
Lingering in the back of her mind though was a sense of sadness; one that not even her recently found happiness could drown out. This, she attributed to the fact that it wasn't a relationship that had much potential to be anything more than it already was. It wasn't necessarily that she wanted to be in a relationship with her, but she found herself thinking that, like… we can't even be friends. And it wasn't a completely unjustified thought. As teacher and student, it was very unlikely that it could eventuate into anything more than just that. All the same though, Jane was determined to at least exercise it to its full potential, whatever that may be.
•••
Jane left for school early the next couple of days under the guise that she needed to study. This was not the case though. Although a little extra study rarely went amiss, Jane was simply beginning to feel like school was, not only a safe place to be but also, a good place to be overall. So, she went down the corridor and grabbed a couple of workbooks with plans to make notes. As always, Jane had music playing quite loudly in her ears and, for the most part, it blocked out the outside noise. She liked it this way as it meant that she could focus on studying without distractions.
She was leant up against the wall opposite her locker with one leg bent on the ground and the other with a flat foot to the ground and knee toward the ceiling.
"Jane," Miss Isles said pleasantly as she entered the hallway. Realising that she hadn't heard though, she waited until she got closer before again saying, "Good morning, Jane," as she leant to the side a little to put her head in Jane's line of sight.
"Crap," she mumbled, ripping the earphones out of her ears. "Sorry, Miss," she spoke up, still flustered.
Miss Isles just smiled as if to find Jane's response a little amusing. "What are you doing here so early?" She said glancing at the time on her watch. 7:32am. After asking the question aloud, she realised that she wasn't sure whether to be simply surprised or concerned.
"Nothing really. Just studying," she said with an even tone.
It reassured her slightly, though she wasn't really sure why she was there at this time still. "I see," she paused, unsure of how to proceed. "You're welcome to use my classroom if you'd like. Sitting on the floor can put a lot of pressure on your spine."
Jane's face looked hesitant, and Miss Isles noticed.
"I will be working in the room anyway," she said offering a little comfort to the idea.
It sounded pleasant, quite honestly, but Jane was indeed hesitant because, unlike after school sessions, students (and teachers) would begin to arrive soon. So, politely and with a smile she said, "Nah, that's okay. I'm good here. Thanks though." And she meant it.
Miss Isles nodded kindly and said, "Not at all. Have a good day, Miss Rizzoli." With that, she was out of the hallway in seconds, heels and all.
Unknown even to herself, this was the reason she came to school early. For a chance to encounter Miss Isles and perhaps even have a meaningful, if not educational, discussion with her. After even a very brief conversation, she felt more confident and more ready to take on the day. She was very quickly beginning to idolise her teacher, with only one regret about it all. Inconvenience. She would have loved to have spoken for a longer period, and more so to have taken her up on the offer of studying in her room, but it was dangerous. And although this wasn't a fact that she liked, it was one that she knew. If the right student saw them, another unfounded rumour could start and do just as much damage as if it were true. And if the right teacher saw them they could both be strongly advised against it, regardless of the fact that there was nothing immoral or unlawful.
It was about eight before other students began to arrive. She knew that not taking her up on it was the right decision, she just hated that this was the case. She wanted so much just to say, "Hey, let's go get lunch. We can talk about school or not school… there's food, so it can't be all bad, right?" Even in her mind she had a wicked sense of humour. Jane wondered if that made her gay. If that really meant that she had a crush on a girl - a teacher of all people too. – She assured herself though that this wasn't the case. She simply wanted an opportunity to get to know someone without the restrictions enforced by the typical student-teacher dynamic. That didn't mean she wanted to date them, right? Jane wasn't sure that even she believed what she was saying, but she allowed herself to be persuaded just this once so that she could get on with her day.
"Hey Jane," Frost said chirpily.
"Hey Frost," she said looking up to him.
Frost dumped his bag on the ground and then sat down beside her, groaning with every movement.
"What's with you?" She stifled a laugh.
"Yesterday at baseball I scored an epic home run," he said proudly.
Jane tilted her head slightly before childishly remarking, "And?" Knowing that there had to be more to the story.
He paused. "And… it might have involved a very uncomfortable splits…"
She couldn't help but laugh now. "Impressive," she said with a nod.
"Hey, hey!" Vince said loudly as he came down the hall. "How is the ballerina today?" He mocked.
Frost rolled his eyes. "Oh ha. Ha. But whose team was it that won?"
"We're on this same team. It was training," he reminded with a grin.
"Yeah, yeah… Well, my pretend team won." He joked back.
"Get a room, you two," she said shaking her head playfully.
"Where were you yesterday anyway?" Frost asked curiously.
"Parents." She said in a low voice.
"Ah, say no more," he waved his hands from side to side.
"Ooh… parents. Fun," Vince commented.
"Yep, but it seemed to be out of their system this morning. Anyway, what's new with you guys?"
"Not much," Frost said pretty casually.
"Actually," Vince got excited. "I picked up the new GTA afterwards." His grin was smug. He knew how much Frost had been wanting to get it.
"You didn't!?" Frost exclaimed, now incredibly jealous.
"I did, and," he paused, "if you're nice to me I might just let you play it." He winked.
Jane just laughed at their petty pride battles.
•••
"Hey Miss," Jane said chirpily as she walked into the room that afternoon.
She was still working through some things from her last lesson, and was momentarily stunned when she heard Jane's voice. "Good afternoon," she said exhaling with relief. "You startled me."
"Oops," she looked embarrassed. "Sorry."
Miss Isles just smiled kindly. With a professional and polite tone she said, "That's more than alright, Jane. How are you?" Trying to keep the mood light.
"Awesome," she said with the slightest hint of sarcasm. She was genuine, but had involuntarily put a flare of sarcasm on her words to give them more of an impact. "Thank you," she said almost quietly, trying to redeem herself. She attempted to erase the previous statement by chirpily asking, "How're you, Miss?"
Again, Miss Isles found herself smiling at Jane's response. "I am quite well, thank you. Do you require assistance with your work today?" She said kindly.
"Um…" she paused to think. "I do have some history work to do, along with other stuff but yeah… I don't know if I'll need help yet."
"Alright then," she said as her smile faded naturally into the conversation. "If you do, please don't hesitate to ask them," she said genuinely. "I have some work to complete also, but please don't hesitate to ask me anything if you want to."
"Thanks," she said as she settled into her seat and pulled out some books. Looking at her school diary for today, the first piece of homework to complete was for maths, so that's where she started.
About ten minutes into her work, she inquired, "Can I ask you something?" She was a little bit hesitant to interrupt Miss Isles, but found herself doing so anyway.
Miss Isles was still quite immersed in her work, and without raising her head she simply sounded, "Mhm."
Jane looked around shyly, and said, "It's not exactly work related."
She put her pen down beside her papers, and looked up with a kind expression. "Yes, Jane?"
"Well, I have a question for you, but what if we do a question for a question?"
Miss Isles considered the proposal, but said as gently as she could, "Does it require immediate attention?" After last time, she had thought long and hard about the events of that day and she was fearful of where the conversation could have lead. She knew it was then entirely possible for it to lead there again.
With that one simple phrase, Jane was saddened. The logical side of her knew it wasn't necessarily unreasonable, but the illogical was still hurt by the fact. "I guess not," she said quite quietly.
Miss Isles then felt bad too. It wasn't her intention to put the young girl down. She let out a small sigh as she tried to find the right words. The only rational response she could think of was the truth. "It's not that I want to discourage your curiosity," she said. "In fact, I adore seeing that sense of curiosity alive and well in all of the young people I teach. Unfortunately though there are professional boundaries that must be respected." She hated that she was saying all this. The truth of the matter was that she liked talking to Jane in class and independently, and she loved the opportunity to learn more about her.
"Nah, I get it," she said forcing a smile. Truthfully, she did understand, but that doesn't mean that she liked it.
She smiled with despair, knowing the truth behind the words. She nodded to acknowledge Jane's response. "I am glad," she lied. A part of her had almost hoped that Jane would push the boundaries.
The next 45minutes or so was spent working relatively quietly, except for the occasional school work related question.
All afternoon following that, Jane was stuck with this feeling of hurt. She got it. Just like her fear of having teachers or students see/find out, she figured this was a concern that Miss Isles had. She wanted to not take it personally, but was finding it very hard as her sense of despair grew more and more overbearing. What Miss Isles didn't know, and what Jane would never admit, was that she was asking in the hopes that she would then reciprocate a personal question. She wanted to open up to her teacher a bit, but a part of her knew that she was going to need a nudge to do so.
Little did she know, Miss Isles was conflicted by the matter, also. She had sensed Jane's insecurities from quite early on, and wanted so much not to add to them. There really was a concern on her mind regarding the potentially inappropriate direction in which the conversation could lead. All the same though, she wanted to know more about Jane and what made her tick. She knew there was more to her than what could be seen on the surface. She also knew what it was like to brave through adolescence with little to no support from those around you. She swore to herself that she would make up for it, she just didn't quite know how yet.
Hello lovely reader,
Thank you so very much for reading my story, and please do feel free to leave any feedback, comments, or general ideas down below. It means the world to me to see that people have taken the time to do so.
You can also find me on Tumblr at rizzoliandislesformiles.
Feel free to message me too; I like new friends.
Thank you again for reading.
PS: I worked it out and we're about half way through the school year, for anyone who's wondering.
PPS: There may be a bit of delay in the publication of the next chapter, but looking forward to sharing it. Apologies.