It was cold.

It was raining.

Evan was sitting in the warm pub on that freezing New Year's Eve and he didn't know what it was. He couldn't brush off that nagging feeling that something was going to happen, or that he needed to be somewhere. Because he hadn't planned this. The anxiety was rising and the bar was getting more and more crowded as the weather drove people in.

He'd lost the guys hours ago as they bar hopped through L.A. but he didn't mind. He was drunk and sitting on a bar stool was probably the best course of action until he could stand on his own again.

To be honest, he couldn't remember why he'd agreed to do this to himself on New Year's. He didn't like to drink and he didn't like to be reminded of how fucking out of place he was with the world. Or how much he just wanted to leave. Leave everything and everyone behind, just go and figure himself out. Because he still couldn't understand how to let things go, or how to stop over thinking every minute detail of his life. He couldn't stop planning, couldn't stop the order that he enforced so strictly upon himself and every aspect of his life.

How did you be carefree? How did you just wake up in the morning and smile, make yourself coffee and look out the window and just feel okay with yourself and the way everything was? How?

"You alright there, man?"

Evan opened his eyes and looked at the bartender who was drying off a glass. Evan grinned like he always did and slid off the stool. "Yeah, I'm great. Perfect. Totally not having an existential crisis or anything crazy like that. Nope."

The other man smirked, "I get it, dude. I've been stuck in one for years. Still haven't figured it all out. Takes time. I may seem chill, but I'm internally screaming right now. Always."

Evan blinked, things still held a blurry outline but he could focus a bit better. "Yeah, I'm . . . I don't even know. I'm just a quiet ball of emotions and I don't know what to do with myself."

"Well, I like to go sit on the swings at the park and think about life. But I don't recommend it since it's cold, wet, and freezing outside. You should give it a try though when the weather is nice." The bartender said and grinned.

Evan looked at him thoughtfully. Was everyone this way? Did everyone smile and go about their day in a haze even though they were stuck in a confusing war with their own thoughts? Was everything really that messed up?

"Yeah, I'll do that." He said distractedly and grabbed his coat off the back of the barstool before he pulled the hood up and made his way into the cold rain. It bit at his face but he was too lost in his own head to feel it. His feet carried him down the sidewalk, he didn't know for how long. But he ended up in the park with the muddy ground beneath his shoes and a swing waiting patiently in front of him. It swayed slightly with the wet wind and he took a seat, staring out ahead of him at the rain that was coming down so thickly, it was getting hard to see. His mind wandered until it settled on the same thing it had earlier.

Delirious.

The man had showed up out of nowhere with everyone else. But he had a woman on his arm and a smile on his face and Evan hated it. He hated everything about him. He hated how happy he seemed and how pretty she was. He hated how no matter what life threw at the guy, he always had a smile on his face. He hated how he had everything figured out.

He envied him to such a degree that it was embarrassing and he was ashamed of it. Ashamed to say that he wanted to hate the one person he cared about the most. But he couldn't. Delirious was the most lovable person he'd ever met and he wanted that. Evan wanted that happiness and that light that he gave off. He wanted that genuine smile to grace his own face.

Evan just wanted to be okay.

"Why in the fucking hell are you sitting on a swing in a park in the middle of a goddamn ice storm on New Year's Eve, sulking?" That kind familiar voice reached his ears.

Evan felt his heart beating heavily against his sternum, suddenly feeling the icy rain and wind cutting into him like a knife.

He shook his head and it felt slower that usual. He was still a bit drunk. "Yeah, well, why do you have to be so perfect?"

Delirious laughed and pointed at himself, "Me? Perfect? Wow, Evan, you're the dumbest guy I know if you think that I'm perfect."

Evan just sat there miserably and pushed the hood off his head so he could soak in the cold and just let himself wither away.

"Now you're just being dramatic." Delirious smiled but it faded when he stepped in front of him. "You're drunk so I kind of understand. But I can tell something is seriously wrong with you because all the times you asked me to come here and spend time with you, I finally get here and you disappear. Why?"

Evan didn't have an answer just an exhausted shake of his head and before he knew it, he was being pulled to his feet. "Come on, let's get you home and warm. I'd hate it if you got sick."

"M'kay." Evan mumbled and slid into a cab with him and began to shiver.

His teeth were chattering relentlessly by the time they got into the elevator and he could hardly feel anything on his body by the time they got into his apartment.

Delirious wasted no time and led him to the room where he pulled the wet clothes from both of their bodies and stole some of Evan's underwear for him and threw him a pair.

"I hope you don't mind." He said and Evan watched him slide the briefs up his long legs. He slid his own on and put on the long sleeve shirt and pajama pants that were laid out for him.

"There's hot chocolate in the kitchen cabinet if you want some." Evan muttered and pulled the sleeves of the shirt down over his fingers.

"That sounds perfect." The older man smiled and disappeared for a few minutes before he returned with two steaming mugs in his hand.

Evan got under his covers and sat up in the bed before Jonathan handed him his cup. Then he crawled in beside him and they sipped the hot drink in the darkened room. The only light was the dim glow coming in from the streets below and the occasional flicker of lightening.

Evan finally sighed, "Sorry I disappeared. I just have a lot of issues."

"Like everyone else." Jonathan shrugged.

Evan looked over at him, "What issues could you possibly have?"

Jonathan hummed, amused. "I'm a five-star fuck up. A grade-A disaster."

Evan almost snorted. "Yeah, right."

"Evan. Just because you have problems doesn't mean everyone else's life is rainbows and sunshine. Everyone has a problem, or an issue, or insecurities. You're not the only one who's at war with himself."

"Are you?" Evan stared into his calm eyes.

He grinned and it was sad and Evan wanted it to go away. "Always."

"Why?"

"Because I envy you and your perfectly organized life. So neat and meticulous and colorful. It's so thought out and clean and I look at myself and I see this rolled up mess who's almost thirty with nothing to show for it." Jonathan sat his empty mug on the nightstand and rubbed his face.

Evan actually started to laugh and he let it all out when Delirious looked over at him confused. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. Because I'm envious of you and your carefree lifestyle. Your fucking 'don't give a shit' attitude. You always seem so happy and I want that. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror every day because I see my day laid out in front of me like a fucking written, detailed schedule and I just want to rip it up. But I never do because I don't know how. I just want to wake up at a random time and stare at the city while the sun rises. I want to watch it and have that feeling that everything is okay and it doesn't matter what I do that day because I don't have plans and I can just do whatever the fuck I want. But I don't know how to let it go. That sense of order and routine. I don't know how to . . ."

Jonathan grinned and it reached his eyes, "Relax?"

"Yes."

"I may seem all cool and carefree but I'm a mess. I live my life a day at a time and it fucks me over more often than not. But I take it as it comes, I don't let it get me down. But I'd like to find some sort of stability. Just a little bit of order." Jonathan sank further into the blankets.

"Like what?" Evan followed him down and got comfortable.

"A relationship maybe."

"I thought you were in one."

Jonathan smiled wide. "She's just my friend. I take her everywhere I go. For emotional support."

"Oh. I gotcha." Evan laughed and felt himself dozing in the heat that they had created.

"Stop trying to hold those heavy eyes open, Evan." Delirious chuckled. "Go to sleep."

Evan obeyed and started to drift into a dream. "Mm. I kind of hate you."

Jonathan watched the sleep spread over Evan's face as his body went limp. "Why?"

Evan sighed heavily and he scrunched his brows together. "Because I love you."

Jonathan stared at his sleeping form for minutes, trying to understand. Trying to figure out if that was Evan speaking or just an alcohol induced dream. He turned to his back and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. Until a voice brought him back to reality.

"I always thought I was stupid because I wanted what you had. I told myself that I hated your face and your smile and your laugh, because I thought it wasn't fair that I couldn't be as happy as you always seemed to be. But I realized I never hated you. I couldn't because when I'm with you, playing with you, or just talking . . . you make me feel okay and I understand now that I don't need whatever it is you have. I just need YOU. I'd be just as lonely as I am now even if I did have your mindset. Because I'd just be in a different state of mind with no one to balance me out. But you do. And I love that -"

Evan inhaled the scent that filled his nose when he felt Jonathan's lips on his own. He smelled like rain and washed up dreams that had nowhere to go, but he'd help them get there if it made him happy.

He felt a tongue and warm hands and he couldn't stop the smile that spread. Jonathan pulled back and looked sincere when he said, "I'll help you relax if you give me some stability."

Evan pulled his face down to his and kissed him soft and smooth before he pulled back with a warm fond grin and said, "Deal."

They kissed themselves to sleep and woke up at a random hour and watched the city rise. Jonathan made them coffee and they did nothing all day but lay around and learn each other through and through until Evan was relaxed, laying across his long body and Jonathan felt like his feet were planted more firmly on the ground when Evan took his hand in his.