WARNING: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

Jonathan's lips were numb.

They weren't drunk.

But that's what they blamed it on.

Evan blamed it on a lot of things. He blamed it on himself and his lack of self control which was something he always seemed to have until the day he peeked his head around David when he was meeting him at a convention and there was Jonathan, blushing furiously, smiling, fingers trembling nervously.

He blamed it on the lack of time he'd been spending with his woman. His woman, whom he loved, but never could seem to convince. It didn't matter how much he laughed with her, or how much he pleased her. It didn't matter how many times he held her when she cried, she never really believed those three words.

He blamed it on his urges, on his dissatisfaction with what was right in front of him; a pretty face and a perfect body. But he wanted something more.

He blamed it on the realization that he didn't want someone so small and fragile. Someone so normal.

He blamed it on the tension that built between him and his friend and the heat that passed between them as they walked side by side that day.

But Evan wouldn't say any of that. Instead he hid the truth and blamed it on a lie.

He blamed it on the alcohol that never touched his tongue while someone else did.

They lied for three years and Evan forced himself to hold onto whatever feelings he still had for her while the rest of his heart was on the other side of the country in the clutches of a man he wouldn't allow himself to love.

For three years he lived in agony because neither one of them would bring it up. They pretended to forget, like it never even happened. They acted as if they hadn't backed themselves into a dark corner and kissed each other like the fate of the world depended on it. As if they didn't feel anything, like they didn't remember in painful detail how wet each others mouths were or how sweet their lips tastes or how hot their hands were beneath each others shirts. What had happened in just mere minutes was going to haunt them for a lifetime. It ate away at their sanity, kept them up at night.

Another convention came up eventually and Jonathan accepted his invite, walking behind the group intentionally avoiding any contact with the Asian who ran through his head for a thousand days and nights. His entire body hurt just being near him and he didn't know how they had played it off for so fucking long. As they were leaving, as cliche moments would have it, it started to rain and he saw her. He saw Evan's girl, perfect and glowing in the storm like a god damn constant reminder of the reason Evan didn't want him. He locked eyes with her and it was torture seeing him walk up to her, put his arm around her. He couldn't keep the tears from forming when Evan followed her line of sight until they were staring at each other for the first time in three years. The first time since it happened. Jonathan choked and turned into the crowd, running, not feeling any of the people shoving him. He didn't care. He just wanted to die.

Evan watched her pack. "Let me help you at least."

"No, Evan. It's fine." She stopped and sighed, pulling her hair back. "I just don't know why you kept me around for three years when he's the one you really wanted to be with."

Evan opened his mouth to object but she held up a gentle hand. "Don't lie to me anymore. Stop lying to yourself. You left me standing in the rain to run after him."

She zipped up her bags and slung them over her shoulders. "Look me in the eye, Evan, and tell me you love me without it sounding like a lie."

He couldn't.

She grinned sadly and walked to the door, "I'll always be your friend, but I think the three of us need to stop suffering. So go find him, be with him, make up for all the time you wasted on someone you didn't even need."

Evan wanted to be mad that it was over but he felt the calm silence settle around him when she waved and walked out the door. He looked around and waited for the sad amazing memories to surface, but they didn't because there were none. There was nothing significant enough to bury itself in his mind, but the one thing that did was Jonathan running away in the pouring rain, out of his reach. Evan changed into some dry clothes and reached for his phone.

Jonathan never answered.

Evan set out on the empty streets and went back to the spot that he lost him in the crowd and kept walking. He walked until he found Luke searching as well.

"Do you know were he went?"

"No." Luke wiped at his face. "Something's wrong. He's been different lately, I can't explain it."

Evan took a breath and looked up only to find a small dark silhouette standing on the roof of the building. "No . . ."

He took off before Luke could even comprehended what was going on. He took the elevator up to the roof and found him standing there, looking out at the city with his back to him. Evan's heart dropped when he saw him step onto the ledge.

"Jonathan!" He ran. "Stop!"

Jonathan looked back in surprise. His face was pale, pink from where he'd wiped his tears away. "Why?"

Evan fell to his knees in front of him, "Because I love you! Please, come down and I'll never let you go again. I need you and I'm sorry that I pretended for three fucking years that it never happened. Okay?"

Jonathan blinked.

Evan cried. "I love you . . . I love you so much. If anyone should be standing on that ledge it should be me and if you fall, I'll be right behind you."

"It's my fault just as much as it is yours." Jonathan said as he stepped down and got to his knees in front of him. Evan pulled him close and to touch him again was like being swallowed in light when he'd lived in darkness for so long. "I'm sorry."

Evan buried his face in his soft hair, "Don't apologize. I think we're both sorry enough."

"And stupid." Jonathan said and sighed against his shoulder. He breathed him in and felt the life pouring back into him.

"Yeah." Evan smiled. "Come home with me."

They walked away together, wiping away whatever doubts they had as they strolled down the unoccupied sidewalks of L.A. Evan grinned at him in the flickering lights of the night and took his hand in his, leading him back to the place where he'd keep him. He'd keep him safe in his arms, in his home.

In his bed.

As he shut the door behind them he brushed his hand over Jonathan's face, remembering exactly how he'd done it the first time and let his thumb run over his lips. He pulled at his damp clothes until he was laid out before him in the confines of his warm dry sheets, reaching out for him. Evan worked his way up to his mouth, kissing everything he could touch. His thighs, the insides of his wrists, his sides, his shoulders, and his neck. Jonathan exhaled against his lips when the came to rest upon his and when Evan pulled back he looked up at him and ran his fingers over his cheekbones; so prominent on his strong face. "I love you."

Evan caught his hand and kissed his palm, his fingertips. "I love you."

And it didn't sound like a lie because it wasn't.

He loved him and he blamed it on the way he looked at him, the way he smiled. He blamed it on the way he always made him laugh even when he'd just spilled coffee on his jeans.

He blamed it on the way the morning light caught his eyes and made them shine like fucking diamonds, like you could see the past, present, and future if you looked deep enough. He blamed it on the way his fingers ran over his skin.

He blamed it on the stupid little hum that rattled in his throat when he grinned. He blamed it on the way he called his name, the way his mouth hung open, the way his head slammed back onto the pillow as he pulled in air.

It was the way he said good morning and goodnight. It was the way he kissed him, the way he crawled into his lap just to rest his head on his shoulder and whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

It was the way they had tried to deny it, the way they tried to fight it, the way they suffered for years only to be pulled together even harder.

Only to love each other until they were ashes wrapping around each other in the wind.