It was so fucking cold, but Jonathan didn't feel any of it because he was staring at his best friend as he pushed his way through the crowd towards him.

He tried to stop his feet from moving backward, further away. He tried but his mouth was dry and his throat was burning and then Evan was yelling his name.

Jonathan tore his eyes away and ran deeper into the crowd against his will. The voice inside told him to keep going so he did even though the man he wanted nothing more than to run to was so close. The one thing he wanted was right there but his legs refused to stop.

His breath formed little clouds as he ran and once he was free of the crowd and in the open he risked it and looked behind him.

He wished he hadn't.

Evan was gasping for air but he didn't stop until he had a firm grip on Jonathan's arm.

Jonathan gave in and spun around, exhausted. He couldn't even speak because there he was, two feet away and so fucking real.

"Why are you running away?" Evan said, still winded.

Jonathan wished that he didn't have a voice. "I can't do this."

"Why not? It's just me, man." Evan furrowed his brow and Jonathan shook his head because he knew this was it. He had to say it. It was the reason he ran and he couldn't lie anymore.

"You know that feeling you get when you see that one person in particular? It sets your heart racing and all of a sudden your mind is blank and you get this twisting anxiety in your gut. Almost makes you sick but then you catch their eye and you don't even realize that you're not breathing until they look away, completely oblivious to you. Do you know that feeling?"

Evan's expression faded and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing really came out properly, "I don't - I guess I do. What does this have anything to do with right now?"

Jonathan dug his nails into his palm, "Because, that's the feeling I get every time I see you. I've come to this con four years in a row and each time I see you, I can't stop myself from running. I don't know how you didn't spot me before all those times, because I was like a fucking deer in headlights."

"What are you saying?"

Jonathan grit his teeth, "You know exactly what I'm saying."

Evan shut his eyes. "Please. Don't say it then. I don't know if I can deal -"

"OH! You can't deal with it?!" Jonathan broke. "Try being me! You try being in love with your best friend because I sure as fuck don't want to be! I don't want to feel this for you, but I do! I can't make it go away but if you know how to, then please! Be my fucking guest because I sure as fuck don't want to feel like this anymore!"

"Like what?"

Jonathan deflated and felt the hot tears collecting in his eyes. "Like my heart is going to fly out of my fucking chest any second now. You reduce me to a stuttering, shaking idiot and I don't know why and I can't control it."

"THEN DON'T." Evan deadpanned.

Jonathan blinked. "What?"

"Stop trying to control it. You could've met me four years ago but you didn't because you've been holding all of this back." Evan spoke softly but for some reason it frustrated Jonathan even more.

"Okay, first you didn't want me to say it. Now you're telling me to just let all my gay feelings out. Which is it? What do you want?" Jonathan stared at him like he was stupid because he definitely was. He was beginning to question why he was so damn attracted to him at all.

"What I want, Jonathan, is to go get some coffee with you because your nose is red and I'd like to discuss the fact that you didn't notice that when I saw you, I was a deer in headlights too."