"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
DEDICATED TO PRINCESSHYUUGA01
History swirled around like a hurricane in Scarlett's mind; she groaned as she rubbed her now aching head. Turning to the next page furiously, the tiny words starting to irritate her.
History is such a bore, she thought to herself as she closed her eyes for a moment, allowing herself a moment to breathe.
History depressed and irritated Scarlett to the brink of her sanity. It was nothing more to her then human tragedy after tragedy. The same story to a different song was all it was. Nothing but a giant headache. She couldn't possibly fathom what someone could possibly find enjoyable in studying History of Magic.
She slammed her book shut suddenly, nearly hearing Professor Binns signature droning voice with the words as she had been reading inside her head.
"Taking your anger issues out on books now I see…" She heard an all too familiar voice chuckle.
"I don't have anger issues, Sirius...Although, come to think, you following me to the library is starting to get rather old…" Scarlett muttered to herself, picking up her Ancient Runes book next.
Sirius paused for a moment, debating whether joking was the right way to pursue the root of the problem or not. Sirius sighed, slowly taking a seat next to her.
He carefully watched the way she seemed to devour the pages, soaking in every word. Zooming quickly through all the pages, nearly finished with the chapter when he finally spoke.
"You know what is getting old?" He asked softly, slowly shutting the book on her in a feeble attempt to capture her attention.
Scarlett was suddenly thrown off her concentration, panic flushed through her body as she desperately tried to find the last page she had been reading.
"Sirius!" she choked, nearly on the verge of tears when she finally found her spot again. "Why on earth would you do that! I need these grades! I need to pass that test TOP in my class and you just-!"
"You avoiding everything...hiding yourself from everyone…" Sirius stated, utterly ignoring Scarlett's semi-panic attack.
His statement shocked Scarlett to the core, conjuring up emotions she never knew she possessed. She stared blankly back at Sirius, at loss for words to say. What could she say? What did he want her to say? His constant questioning and obsessing over her seemed to be for his own sanity; not hers.
Yet, as she stared deep into his glistening hazel eyes, she couldn't help but wonder why all the antics. Why all the questions, why the constant bombardment? What did he care? She began biting hard at the corner of her bottom lip while twirling a piece of blue hair; it was a tick she carried when she grew nervous.
Sirius softly caressed the blue strand of hair she was twirling nervously at; "But, why did you put blue in your hair? If you don't want to be noticed?" he then pondered softly, still awaiting an answer.
She quickly brushed his soft hands away from her hair, she hated it being touched. Why the blue? He had asked, not even Lily had dared ask such a question; out of fear of the truth she supposed.
Yet, Sirius wanted the truth. The disgusting, awful truth that unearthed her entire being constantly.
The answer.
Her father.
Her father always touching her, grooming her. Using her. Her hair had been one of his most favorite of her assets, at least so he told her so many times before.
Every time she looked in the mirror and saw her long, nearly white loose curls, she felt disgusted. Ashamed and loathsome. She could almost feel her father running his hands through her hair, twirling strands with his fingers like a dark dance.
She had needed something different, something empowering.
Something that brought her sense of self back to her when she looked in the mirror, even just a mere, small light that would allow her to continue on with herself.
She remembered when she did the deed on the train at the beginning of the year, while Lily nearly feel over with shock; Scarlett recalled saying to herself,
"It's mine now, all mine…"
"Sirius...can't some things just remain unsaid?" she murmured, slowly beginning to gather her books up when she glanced at her watch and realized what time it was.
Scarlett paused for a second, taking in the sight of a torn Sirius took a small toll on her conscious. She slowly walked closer to him, softly caressing his right cheek, taking in how dark the circles under his eyes were beginning to look.
"Save yourself…" she whispered with a small smile, "You're the only one worth saving here…"
"Scarlett, let me in! Let me help you!" Sirius pleaded desperately, taking her hand before she could remove it from his cheek, slipping away once again.
He noticed how she seemed to flinch at his touch, her heart beginning to race as he continued holding her hand.
"I have to go, Sirius…"
And with that, she done what he so feared. Leaving nothing but a mere man on the brink of agony behind.
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"Isn't this wonderful?!" Lily mused, as she navigated herself and Scarlett through the raging crowd of Gryffindor students cheering their house on in the quidditch stands.
Scarlett groaned as she felt the growingly cool autumn air breeze seemingly right through her. Crowds were not her thing, let alone quidditch at that. But it made her best friend beam with excitement, seeing Lily happy was one of the few things in the world that made her happy in return and as long as she was here, nothing could prevent that from happening.
Scarlett clenched unto her jacket tightly, taking her seat next to Lily who was already screaming chants with the rest of the Gryffindor students. Scarlett shook her head and smiled, Lily was the perfect persona of joy. Something she could only wish she possessed.
"Come on Scarlett! CELEBRATE!" Lily shouted with glee, jumping out of her seat to wave her tiny house flag.
"Lils, you know I hate these matches! Don't make me dread it even more than I already do!" Scarlett warned Lily with a giggle, suddenly noticing James and Sirius making their entrance, the rest of the team behind them.
Smirking to herself, she silently pulled out a book of poetry she often liked to read out of her bag. She had promised Lily she would go with her to the match, never did she say she would actually watch it. Besides, Lily would be too preoccupied with the game to notice she wasn't watching anyways. She slowly ran her finger over the words as she concentrated hard on story that was being told to her, ever so beautifully.
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
I and my Annabel Lee—
With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.
Screams suddenly filled the air as Sirius blocked an amazing attempt from the Slytherins at trying to score; shuttering Scarlett's fantasy world for a brief moment.
"Amazing save Sirius!" she could hear James scream as he zipped through the stadium, still in search for the snitch.
What a love was that? One that felt so strong?
She couldn't help but wonder, would she ever experience such a strong emotion like love? Could she ever feel that same passion for Sirius, one day too? And better yet, would he ever feel that kind of love for her in return?
Questions spewed like a broken spout around in her mind, begging her to slowly close the book, and pay attention to Sirius for once. She watched with awe as he blocked another Slytherins attempt to score, ravishing in his glory for all to see.
She smiled to herself shyly as she watched him scream encouragements to James, demanding he stop being so slow and capture the snitch already. Sirius looked so much happier when he was up on his broomstick, putting on a show for all his fans. Quidditch appeared to give him such a rush, such a burst of energy and happiness. So different than how he had been behaving lately.
"AND JAMES POTTER CATCHES THE SNITCH!" Madam Hooch shouted, causing a roar of cheer to arise from the Gryffindor stands.
Lily beamed with excitement, nearly smacking Scarlett in the face as she leaped out of her seat with joy, screaming at the top of her lungs. "He did it Scarlett! James caught the snitch!" she then squealed, embracing Scarlett in a intense bear hug.
Scarlett's eyes grew wide with surprise by the power behind Lily's embrace. "James?" she managed to ask, nearly gasping for breath. Lily seemed to be growing more tolerant and fond of James and the year progressed. Often she would spot Lily giggling at one of James ridiculous jokes during Potions class, seeming to take a break from nagging him on his pranks for once in her life. Just as James seemed to be giving poor Severus a break from his constant harassment and practical joking.
Lily gasped as she finally let Scarlett, hand raised to her mouth in an attempt to keep herself from bursting into laughter.
"James isn't as bad as he seems...he really isn't…" she mused, giggling as she watched the Gryffindor players all celebrate their win with a victory lap.
"Oh really?" Scarlett insisted, playfully nudging her arm.
"Please, what about you and Sirius? I mean you guys are betrothed and all but he pursues you like you're already married!" Lily shot back, continuing to watch James.
"Who knows?" Scarlett murmured back, "Do you think we should get going? Everyone is moving back towards the common room…"
"Sure, let's find out what kind of celebration we'll be having!" Lily replied, beginning to gather her belongings. "Oh, I hope the after party isn't rowdy like it was last time...so obnoxious it was! Ugh!" she then groaned in irritation.
Scarlett nodded silently in agreement as she began following Lily back to the common room. While she admitted she hated parties; parties always had drinks...and alcohol did a great job of making you forget about your problems for the night and through the night. And that, was exactly what she had been needing lately.
"What do you say Scarlett? Wanna try this party thing?" Lily chuckled, not being one for parties either, she usually chose to stay in and study when they occurred. But, with her growing connection to James...a party may just be the thing to get things going faster between them.
"Yeah, why not?" Scarlett giggled in response, trying to make it sound as she saw this as a complete and utter joke, not a free ticket to getting completely trashed.
"But you can't forget something like that, no matter how much you drink, snort, or shoot into your veins. The memory stalks you forever and creeps up to maul you like a rabid dog, when you least expect it."
~Unknown (Pinterest)
Scarlett stood awkwardly in silence as she inspected the tight, black dress Lily had encouraged her to wear; much to her dismay. She waited patiently for Lily to meet her down in the common room, but the longer she stood and waited, the more anxious she became. The party had already begun, and rounds were already being dispersed as as the music boomed loudly, making Scarlett's head throb already.
"Drink?" a voice asked from behind her.
She turned around quickly, nearly knocking the drink Remus was extending out to her in the process.
"Remus…" she stated softly, "Sorry, I didn't realize-" she quickly apologized, embarrassed by her clumsiness.
Remus smiled warmly in response, "No worries, Scarlett. Drink?" he asked again, offering her the glass of firewhiskey.
She gladly accepted the drink, eagerly needing to feel buzzed.
"I thought you were the good one?" she playfully asked. Scarlett always enjoyed having small talk with Remus. He was probably one of the most down to earth people she had ever met. Never judging, never spiteful. Always all ears and willing to give advice to anyone who needed it.
Remus shrugged as he began leaning against the wall, he took a sip as well before answering her, noting to himself she did have a point.
"It's nice to relax and have fun once in awhile, you know?" Remus ruminated as he took another sip of his firewhiskey. "But believe me, this will be my only drink tonight. Drinking isn't really my thing…" he added with a low chuckle.
Scarlett nodded in understanding, nearly finished with her first glass she quickly skimmed the room in search of her second. She could already feel it taking effect when she downed the last bit. She flashed a bright smile towards Remus, waving goodbye as she forgot all about waiting for Lily to meet her. She began slowly wandering off, not noticing Remus try to protest her leaving.
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"James, quit it!" Lily giggled as she playfully shoved James away from her.
"Aw, c'mon Lils! Just one more kiss!" James protested, stealing another kiss from her peach lips before she could stop him.
"James, call down! I promised Scarlett I would meet her! Now, come on we're already late!" Lily gasped as she pulled James away from her face.
"Okay, okay. You win...where did you say you'd meet her? I don't see her anywhere yet…" he muttered to himself as the pair entered the Gryffindor common room. He searched the room for her signature blue streaked hair, Scarlett was nowhere to be found.
Lily fell silent, also searching the room left and right for her. No sign of her yet either from what she could see.
She did notice Sirius and Remus talking in the corner of the room, also appearing to be in search of someone or something as well.
"James, I see Remus and Sirius over there!" she exclaimed, pointing in the direction of the other two boys. "Maybe they've seen her!" she yelled over the blasting music, beginning to drag James along with her.
"Hey Remus!" Lily shouted, waving vigorously. "Have you seen where Scarlett went off to?"
"Must you be so loud about it?" James moaned, rubbing his aching wrist now that Lily finally released him. Damn, shes got some grip, he thought. "He's right in front of you now!"
Lily rolled her emerald green eyes, her focus solely on awaiting Remus's response.
"That's precisely what I was in the middle of asking Remus as well; did you see where she went off to?" Sirius chimed in, starring Remus down fiercely.
Remus shrugged as he threw his hands up in the air, surrendering. "Look guys, if I had a clue where she went, I would have gone after her myself. She'll be fine, she can take care of herself…trust her."
The group fell silent.
Lily nodded slightly as she began biting her nails. To be honest, these days Scarlett scared her to death. Having her on the loose at a party full of free booze was the last she wanted for her best friend. She glanced over at Sirius who also appeared to be greatly worried. Sirius was another issue almost entirely. He seemed to be more quiet and ghostly these days.
More distant, only interested in his studies and Scarlett. James had frequently confided in her how himself and Remus grew more worried about Sirius these days as well, afraid there was something he wasn't telling them.
Scarlett and Sirius, Sirius and Scarlett… Lily mused silently in her mind, like a childish rhyme it rang strongly inside her head. Never one without the other...she pondered. Worry seemed to be her predominant emotion these days; constant fret and worry over those two was only typical nowadays.
All while the pair remained silent, chained by their circumstances it seemed.
Lily was so deep in her own thoughts, she never noticed Peter come staggering up to them.
"I-I saw her, Sirius. She was, she was with Derek Stone...by the fireplace!" he managed to stutter nervously.
Derek Stone, probably the best beater the Gryffindors could find. Absolute stud and womanizer he was, always the ladies fall back guy when Sirius showed no interest in them. With his shaggy dirty blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes, Derek was every girl's dream of the perfect male piece of arm candy.
What many of the girls in school failed to see, was once he got what he wanted. You were nothing but used goods to him. He was never with a girl more than once and once you fell into his bed, your reputation laid there as well. Permanently screwed.
Sirius growled, jealousy flushed through his veins. He immediately stormed towards where he finally knew where Scarlett was, tuning his friend's protests out as he mentally prepared to knock Derek out cold.
And Scarlett...what in the bloody hell was she thinking? He asked himself angrily as he finally saw Scarlett and Derek's figures come into sight.
Sirius saw Scarlett's clearly intoxicated figure leaning against the fireplace, laughing loudly at something Derek had said. His eyes narrowed as he saw Derek pull Scarlett closer, offering her the rest of his drink. He saw Scarlett down the rest of what was in her glass in one gulp, smiling as she gladly accepted the rest of Derek's drink.
Stupid, Stupid!Sirius fumed to himself, arms crossed as he simply chose to stand and watch for a minute. Attempting to truly understand what was happening here before he acted completely rashly. A true rarity.
Meanwhile Scarlett was on cloud nine as she faced her pursuer so admirably. Never in her life had she felt so good about herself, so confident and beautiful. She felt Derek stroke her cheeks so lovingly, so attentively. Yeah, the firewhiskey was definitely getting to her good. She glanced back down at her nearly seemingly redundant empty glass, she pouted fiercely.
"Derek…" she hiccuped, "I think...I think I'm out again, why is that?"
"Probably cause you keep drinking so fast, love. Do you want another?" he chuckled, taking her empty glass out of hand.
Scarlett burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles as he gently took her hand, guiding her to the drink table, "I didn't... I didn't even have to ask. What a...a true gentleman…"
Sirius immediately sensed what was going on as he saw Derek attempt to guide her back to where all the firewhiskey was. His eyes widened, furey rising through his veins as he finally had enough of just observing.
"Oh no you don't!" Sirius scowled, yanking her hand away from Derek's.
"Sirius?" Scarlett hiccupped, her once beaming smile turned into a look of utter confusion. "What, What are you doing? I just want...want another drink…Derek was being so nice and-"
"Why they hell would you let her keep drinking?" Sirius shouted, shielding Scarlett from Dertek trying to pull her away. Completely ignoring Scarlett's faint protests.
Derek smirked, rolling his eyes in Sirius's possessiveness. "What are you, her boyfriend or something?" he snapped cooly. "She never said no, who am I to spoil a pretty girls fun?", winking at Scarlett from behind Sirius.
"Ss-irius...let me drink. I...I've only had...1,3,5…" Scarlett protested, trailing off as she attempted to count how many drinks she had off her finger tips. "Ohhhhh, wwhat does it mmatter?" she slurred, "Pleaseeeeeee Sirius...stop being so serioussssss"
Scarlett burst into giggles, loving her childish play on words.
Derek raised his brow proudly, "See, let the girl drink."
Sirius groaned, dealing with a drunk Scarlett was not on the top of his list at the moment. But, at the same time if he didn't stop her, who would?
Sirius twirled Scarlett around so she could face him, "Scarlett...I think you've had enough…" he murmured, her breath reeking of firewhiskey.
Scarlett smiled, "I've haddd enoughhh, whennn, when I say I did…" she giggled, yanking her hand free of Sirius grip.
Sirius quickly grabbed her from behind, "Leave Derek, or you'll regret it." he warned harshly.
"Siriussssss! Putttttt meeee downnnnn!" Scarlett nearly screeched when she saw Derek finally retreating.
"Later Scarlett, maybe next time your buzz kill will let you have some fun…" Derek muttered, waving goodbye as he already found a new girl to drink with.
"No, Derek..cccome backkkk!" she whined, nearly on the brink of drunk tears as she lightly pounded against Sirius's back.
"Not a chance, Scarlett." he reassured firmly, flopping her over his shoulder, intending on carrying her back to her bed with the help of Lily. Taken by how easy it was to carry her.
Scarlett yelped as she felt herself being lifted over Sirius shoulders. Her vision began to spin and twirl as everything became a giant, nauseating blur as they began to move forward.
"So you found her…"Remus muttered, taking in the sight of a overly drunk Scarlett.
"Thank goodness!" Lily added, beginning to tuck away the hair that was hanging in front of Scarlett's face.
James burst out in laughter, "No, thank God tomorrow is Sunday! She's only lucky chick!"
"James!"
"Lily, you gotta admit it is a little funny!" James argued as the group began to head towards the girls dormitory.
"Sirius...I...I don't feel so good…" Scarlett murmured, suddenly feeling a wave of nausea wash over her entire body.
"No surprise there, seeing how you nearly drank all the firewhiskey by yourself…" Sirius shot back
"I just wanted...oh I'm gonna be sick...I just wanted, wanted to forget...forget my father…" she murmured so only Sirius could hear.
Her father? Sirius pondered to himself, What about him?
Finally they had arrived at the dorm Lily and Scarlett shared, gently laying Scarlett down on her bed to hopefully sleep it off.
"Will she be alright?" Peter asked softly.
Lily suddenly came up behind Sirius, giving him a small peck on the cheek she whispered, "Thanks for taking care of her…"
"You got this mate? I want to take Lily back to the-" James started.
"James! How could you think like that right now?" Lily scowled, taking a deep breath to keep herself from smacking James in the face.
"It's alright guys, go have fun. I got this…"
"Are you sure-It's really no-"
"Go guys, enjoy the rest of the party." Sirius said firmly, shooing them all out of the room.
Scarlett groaned, nearly leaping out of her bed when she felt the fire whiskey start to come back up.
She dashed as fast as she could to the bathroom, not bothering to shut and lock the door behind her as she just made the toilet.
She heaved, nothing but the fire whiskey spewing its way out of her mouth and into the toilet. She gasped, begging for just one second of peace to take a breath before she vomited once again. It burned her throat as it made it way out of her stomach. She coughed when it finally stopped for a second, she slumped over the toilet as she closed her eyes, darkness and dizziness taking over.
Drinking without eating is the absolute worst...she thought painfully.
"Scarlett are you alright?" Sirius asked softly, bending down to where she was. He slowly caressed her hair so softly, holding it back as she began heaving into the toilet once again.
She sniffed, gasping for air as she tried wiping excess off the corner of her lips before answering with a weezy, "Yeah...fine…".
Tears poured down her face she felt another wave of nausea hit her again.
Sirius grimaced as she choked on yet another period of vomiting. "Why do you always say you're fine...when you're clearly not?" he asked tenderly.
Drunks usually always speak with sober minds after allSirius speculated, watching as Scarlett suddenly began dry heaving. Signaling what hopefully would end her upchucking parade.
"It hurts…" she stated hoarsely, her eyes fluttered lightly as she nearly drifted into unconsciousness on top of the toilet, Sirius catching her head before it hit the toilet.
Sirius couldn't help but wonder what she could have meant. Was she talking about the alcohol coming back up? Was she talking about why she chose to drink herself silly? He had no clue whatsoever.
"Sirius…" she finally muttered, her eyes slowly opening again to face Sirius directly. "Why are you always there?" she asked softly.
"Because I want to be...you're my future...and I have to protect that…" he murmured in response. "Can you sit up for a moment?" he then asked gently, leaning her against the rim of the tub as he began cleaning up the mess around the toilet.
"Don't...don't do that...Stop taking care of me…" Scarlett protested in panic, irritated her body couldn't move like she wanted it to at the moment.
"Hush…" Sirius murmured, flushing the toilet in riddance of the disaster that was once there. "Just relax…"
Scarlett bit her tongue, deciding it was best to save the arguing for later. She closed her eyes as she let the darkness engulf her entire being. Visions of her father arose, setting her night for a sure case of nightmares.
She slumped against the tub in silence, nothing but pure blackness is what she saw as she allowed the peace to come over her like a waterfall.
That black was all she could see, it was almost like there was no escape from her fate. And her see was, selfish and intoxicated. Dwelling in only her own pain, instead of sharing it with the only person in the world that could possibly understand, Sirius.
So selfish she was, thinking she was the only one who had a darkness in them. Shame on her for punishing Sirius all those years, thinking he was the source of her pain. When he was only trying to help make it more livable for them both. He was truly a better person than her, and that she came to find disturbing.
"I'm sorry, Sirius…" she murmured as she felt Sirius picking her up to move her.
Sirius laughed lightly as he proceeded to move Scarlett to her bed, "Sorry for what?" he asked. Laying her carefully on her bed.
"For everything...for all those years...for being so hateful…" She trailed on, her ice blue eyes were now open, staring at Sirius in utter enchantment. "For tonight…" she added.
"Ah, you're still drunk. Morning come we'll be arguing again." Sirius dismissed jokingly, helping her tuck herself in under the covers.
"Sirius! I'm being honest!" she fought back, attempting to sit up straight.
Sirius quickly pressed her back down into bed gently, "Sleep!" he ordered.
It seemed as soon as her head hit the pillow she was out cold, only murmuring another "Thanks…" before completely giving into sleep.
Author's Note: Hey there everyone! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I tried my best writing this chapter, still kind of skeptical of how it came out but...here it is! Thank you so much for the continued support, but I'm still wavering in confidence over this story.
So sorry about having to create another character like Derek. I tried seeing if there were any other guys I could but no one really from Gryffindor I could use for that part.
A HUGE THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS READ AND REVIEWED THIS STORY! I appreciate that SO MUCH! YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA! They mean so much to me! If you like, please, please review! Thank you so much! :)
Also, special thanks toPariJaan and Princesshyuuga01, those two made this chapter happen! Thank you guys! :)