Hey guys, sorry it was a bit late getting this out. I hope there isn't too many mistakes, feel free to call me out on them if so. This chapter includes both POV's.
Chapter dedicated to: Pvris - My house.
First day of school was going absolutely awful.
Trust me to get myself into a mess where I've previously made out with my teacher - I obviously didn't think he meant Rosewood school that he was teaching in, fuck. I feel so guilty especially for Ezra's sake, the poor guy looks absolutely petrified, probably imagining police sirens in his head. After class I had to reassure him that nothing bad will happen and whatever happened at the bar would never happen again; he looked disappointed by the words and I felt like my gut got punched in that moment. Nothing good would come of it if we carried on with our make out sessions - especially with his position now.
And there's not only that.
Spencer.
Ever since this morning she's been off with us all, she barely spoke at lunch and spent most of her time looking down at her food. We all made plans for tonight of spending time together and she seemed so disinterested. The other girls picked up on it and called her out on her odd behaviour but Spencer shrugged it off and had told them all she's fine. But I knew otherwise - she might fool the outside world with the walls built up, but I saw the vulnerable Spencer deep inside but she wouldn't speak to me here with all these people around so I would have to ambush her later on when we were alone.
They also tried to interrogate me about this morning's incident, which I knew was going to happen because Hanna is like a secret intelligent agent and she needs to know the scoop of what's happening. I assured them I would tell them later because let's be honest - talking about making out with a teacher in the middle of a school wasn't the greatest conversation with listening ears all over the place.
So we made plans for this evening, for each of them to come round my house for the evening whilst my mother had made plans for some quality time with Mike. That way whatever question they would end up asking - I'm sure Hanna is cracking up with curiosity - can be asked without the ears of no one else. I'm not even sure where to start with it all; how can I possibly explain my impulsive decisions of making out with him the other night? It wasn't like me at all. And how do I then explain every thing else what was going on, too? Every time I try to take a step forward to being happy, I take three steps back due to the mess that keeps piling up. And then there's Spencer, there was no way I could possibly own up to crush about my best friend. Not that I thought my friends would judge me any differently but the possibility of messing up my friendship was far too much to put at risk.
Hopefully I can manage to control my new found impulsive behaviour around her.
Hanna and Emily came round about an hour later with no sign of Spencer; which hit me straight to the gut. But I hid my disappointment in front of the other girls and pretended to go on as normal. We set up for the evening; putting all the snacks into bowls and made our way to my bedroom for an evening of films, it didn't take them long though to start firing questions in my direction.
"So, what was that about today then?" Hanna spoke up, her eyes are locked on to me. There was no possible way of getting out of this, even if we were on the verge of an impending Apocalypse Hanna would still be here wanting answers.
So I explained it all: the rocky stages of my family life, the moment I went to the bar and ended up meeting Ezra, the moment we contacted our lips together in the bathroom and how I drove to Spencer's not long after it happened, followed by the trip she planned. Obviously missing out the parts where I started crushing on her, because if this story doesn't sound like a train wreck already; adding on that part would make it that way further. Which lead me to explaining the awkwardness of this morning and the conversation between me and Ezra.
"Wait, so Spencer knew all this already?" Emily asked to which I nodded in reply.
"I can't believe it," Hanna spoke "is he a good kisser?"
"Han!" Emily gasped throwing a pillow at the blonde.
"Honestly, I'm not even going to reply back that." I protested, this conversation was awkward enough without spilling the insight information on the way Ezra kisses.
"I can't believe you kissed the hot English teacher, I'm so proud of you, Ar." Hanna smiled.
"Of course you are" Emily deadpanned, but that didn't stop Hanna's smile.
"Okay, okay. Let's not talk about this any more. What are we watching?" I asked, wanting more than anything for this conversation to end. To my delight, the pair rolled over to the dvd collection to fight over what we would watch for the evening. Although that conversation went well and right now I couldn't be any more thankful for having these two as my best friends; my nerves were still there about Spencer, who didn't turn up and no one so far has had any messages from her. I had no idea what I was going to do.
Should I tell her about how I feel? Probably not. She's my best friend and I don't need that to be awkward, too.
But what was going on with her? Why is she avoiding us?
I picked up my phone, pondering whether to send her a message or not, but I did so any way. The curiosity was going to get the better of me.
Buzzzzz. Buzzzzzzzz.
The phone vibrated against the desk, I glanced over from my laptop and clicked the screen open and saw Aria's name glow up on the screen.
Aria: Where are you? Are you coming over tonight?
Aria: [image] look, these two are arguing already over films. I need back up.
The image contained Emily and Hanna sat on the floor with films scattered all over the floor, I could imagine the scene from the picture, both of them bickering like usual over which film to watch and knowing Emily; she would give in to defeat eventually. As much as I wanted to be there - I couldn't. Not right now, I needed to escape from being near Aria; my head was clouded by destructive thoughts and jealously.
Destructive thoughts wanting to take that leap and confront this mess.
Jealously providing lingering thoughts of Mr Fitz and Aria.
Fuck. It hurts.
Why does it hurt so bad? It's not like we're together. Hell, it was no where near being like that. She was my best friend and that's all it will ever be.
I knew one thing for certain, I needed to speak about this to someone, any one. I needed advice, guidance or just some one to keep me from going insane. Normally that would be Aria who I could turn to, that girl knew how to keep me level headed. But, I can't turn to her, especially when it has something to do with her. Fucking hell.
Out of all the people in the world this could happen to, it had to be her. Why couldn't my heart pick some random girl that didn't have such an important role in my life? Fuck you, heart. Fuck you.
There was only two other people who I could turn about this, who wouldn't judge me for it. Emily or Hanna. Emily would be the better option right now, considering Hanna would ask me a million questions that even I don't know the answer to right now. Times like this I wish I could turn to my family. And that was a whole different ball game; what would my family say? A part of me thinks they would be okay with their daughter coming out as gay, but the nerves were trying to tell me differently. Now is not the time, brain. Positive thoughts only.
I picked up the phone, opening up the message and shooting Aria a reply, she deserved that a least. A part of me feels guilty for not turning up tonight, but it's better for both of us if I didn't. Aria didn't need this in her life right now, she needed stability. And I'm far from that.
Me: Sorry, I'm working on some essays tonight. Don't let them kill each other.
Well, it definitely wasn't a lie. I was currently trying to process calculus right now whether or not there was actually solid movement on the laptop screen was another story. I've spent an hour trying to decipher one question, normally it would be done right now but my mind has alternate thoughts.
Aria: That's a shame, don't study too hard. :)
There's a probability of that not having tonight. I scrolled though the list to find Emily's name and typed out a message to her, too.
Me: Hey, Em. Please don't let the other girls know I've texted you, but can we meet after you've finished film night?
Buzzzzzzz.
Emily: I'll message you, want me to pop by yours on the way home?
Me: That's fine, Em. Thank you.
Placing the phone back on the desk, it was now time to prepare myself for the evening. Calculus could wait, it's not like I can't afford to catch up at this rate. It was time to do some research on another topic: how to come out the closet. Do people normally type on google for this kind of thing? Normally, I do research on things that I'm not sure of, so this was no different but I can't help but feel lame even typing into the search bar about it. Maybe write down a speech on what I was going to say to Emily? I could do that instead. I could re-hearse the words till I get it right.
Hi, Emily. I'm gay.
I'm gay and I have a crush on some-
No. I can't mention Aria, that definitely doesn't need to be aired right now. It was nerve wrecking coming out as gay as it was, adding Aria into the mix would make it even more complicated to admit to.