He was underwater again, but he also wasn't. He was almost certain he knew what underwater felt like and this wasn't it. Well it was, just minus the water part. And the drowning part.

There was this once voice that always cut through the water-not-water haze around him, and this time he could understand it somewhat. Odd words floated around him and he vaguely registered what the words meant.

A warm hand held his own and he obediently did what the voice asked. He tried so hard to command his hand to squeeze the other and the light voice that came from that indicated he had done it.

Through his blurry vision he noticed a face. A finger appeared before him and - although it hurt his head - he watched as the finger moved from side to side, up and down. He tracked it before it disappeared. He felt a warm hand on his head and heard some more soft sounds, before he was too tired to focus anymore.

Ethan drifted off to sleep.

"They're considering the possibility that… he drove into the tree deliberately," Connie said carefully, still trying to digest it herself.

Max stopped his pacing, looking at her with wide eyes. "No. Not Cal. He wouldn't. He wouldn't leave Ethan. No way."

"Maybe," Lofty said, folding his arms, "he did."

Max spun around with a look of sheer disbelief etched on his face.

"What I mean is... he wasn't exactly sober when we arrived and it was late at night and he'd just been told Ethan had a seizure. On top of everything that's happened, maybe... maybe he just... couldn't handle it."

"No, let's not jump to any conclusions. He hasn't woken up yet so they don't know. They're only making this assumption because the road was blocked off. Cal shouldn't have even been there."

"He wouldn't leave Ethan," Max repeated. "He probably just... got lost or something."

Connie sighed. "Look, he's going to be discharged once he wakes up and has a few more tests, but be shouldn't be alone for at least the next 24 hours. Lofty, Charlie said he can spare you so... if it's alright with you?"

"Yeah. Yeah of course."

"Great thanks. Also, would you mind - on the way back - bringing him here first? I'd like a word with him."

Their conversation was interrupted by the ringing of Connie's phone. She stared at the name - Dr McKay. And shd had a feeling it was going to be about Ethan.

The first thing Cal noticed was the blinding headache he was experiencing. The second thing was his throat, sore and roar. The third was someone talking to him. He wondered whether he was in his own bed: headache and a sore throat and a soft voice was usually a sign of a very good night of socialising, in more ways than one. But then he realised the sheets beneath him were scratchy and the soft voice was a man whispering to him.

He chanced a look, suddenly scared of where he was and where he'd woken up. He cracked his eyes open a bit and jumped with force as a face appeared before his. That jarred his shoulder and his head and when he opened his eyes fully he realised he wasn't in an awful situation as previously feared, but rather under the blinding lights and sheets of a hospital. It was Lofty's face over him, the light catching on his friend's curls and creating a halo of light around his head (which could indicate an angel coming to him on his death bed, but that face was definitely Lofty's and he'd seen that smile hundreds of times). Then as the initial curiousity (and fear he would only admit to himself) subsided, he was struck with panic.

"Lofty?" he groaned.

"It's good to see you awake."

"Why am I in hospital?" The question scratched his throat and he asked for some water straight after. Lofty helped him take a sip from a glass he realised was on the table next to him before explaining that he'd crashed his car.

"Oh." Cal looked up at the ceiling, embarrassed that he'd ended up in this situation. He was sure Lofty was meant to be on shift later on which meant he had been given leave to come to him, which meant Charlie had to know which meant it wasn't a secret that he'd ended up in St. James'.

"Mate, I know it's a… sensitive topic but, you know, they think you may have drove into that tree on purpose."

"What?" Cal shouted. He reigned himself in, mindful of other patients around him. "I didn't, I swear I didn't, Lofty. I wouldn't leave him I promise."

Lofty held his hands up as if he was approaching a small animal. "It's okay, Cal. Calm down."

"I didn't try and kill myself. I swear."

"I believe you, it's okay. You know that road was meant to be blocked off, right?"

Cal scrunched his eyes up, trying to picture the road he crashed on. "Was it?"

"Yeah… but I wouldn't worry, apparently it was badly blocked off."

Cal gave up trying to picture it, his memory was fuzzy around that time. He sighed. "I might have been drunk."

"I know. You drove off in a bit of a state, worried us sick, you know." Lofty raised his eyebrows. "Don't ever do that again."

Cal considered telling Lofty he wouldn't, considered putting his friend's mind at rest, but although his brain formed a sentence his mouth couldn't produce the sounds. The truth was he didn't know whether he'd do it again. Not while sober anyway, and he wasn't planning on staying sober for much longer.

Cal could tell by the way Lofty hesitated that he has picked his words carefully. "I thought you were heading off to see Ethan. Stupid while drunk, of course. You should have waited, Max or I would've taken you."

He felt his heart clench painfully at the mention of his brother, his brother, who he had failed to see. "I'm a coward, Lofty." He turned away to save himself from seeing what he only guessed would be agreement on Lofty's face. "I wasn't thinking straight and I wanted to see Ethan, but I backed out. I drove away. I can't, I can't see him. Not when he's... I can't."

"Oh, mate."

"One of Ethan's favourite things is the sunset. I sat and watched it. I don't remember much after that, but I remember the colours. Ethan would have loved that sunset."

"Look at me, Cal," Lofty said gently, and Cal turned his head - preparing to see disgust or pity but instead seeing sympathy. "Ethan will be okay. He's alive and slowly responding."

"He had a seizure, Lofty!" Cal burst out, immediately regretting it as it jarred his painful head.

"And before I left Mrs Beauchamp told me that he responded to some commands. He will be okay, mate. You've seen patients just like your brother... no, let me finish, Cal. Yes, a lot of the time progress only goes so far and I won't lie to you, Ethan's recovery will be hard and may not be a full one, but - Cal - he needs you and you need him." Lofty paused, smiling weakly. "And one day, you can watch the sunset together."

Cal sighed once more and turned his head away from Lofty. The conversation was over.

The police he had to talk to were grating and the tests were boring, but he had now been pronounced fit to go home so long as he wasn't alone for 24 hours. That meant he would have Lofty's wonderful company for longer and no doubt he'd try and pursuade him to see Ethan. He wanted to, he really did.

But at the same time, he couldn't. He wasn't as strong as Ethan. He was a coward.

He tried to keep his eyes open in the taxi, but he kept finding he'd open his eyes and wonder when he'd shut them. He didn't even realise they weren't heading to his and Ethan's flat until they were outside the ED entrance.

"Lofty," Cal said. "What the hell is going on?"

"Ah, yes. Well. Connie wants to speak to you."

"No."

Lofty undid his seatbelt and turned his full body to face Cal. "I'm sure it won't take long. Come on."

Cal thought of himself much like a petulant child and it reminded him of a younger version of Ethan. "No."

"Well we aren't leaving until you speak to her and you can't go home without me."

"I can. I don't care."

"Well it's either see Connie now or face her when she's had time to get angry with you. Your choice."

It turns out it much harder undoing a seatbelt with an arm in a sling than it is putting one on, and Cal was thoroughly annoyed he learnt that outside the ED rather than in front of his flat.

While he couldn't express it considering he was still in the presence of Connie, he was very glad when she finally said he could go. He'd barely listened to her while she spoke about something to do with his accident and safety while in comparison he'd listeed intently while she spoke about Ethan.

Of course Cal was happy that Ethan was making progress (he didn't think he'd have to justify and tell Connie that, of course Cal was happy) but it terrified him that his little brother was even in this position that may have been amplified by Cal. And as heartless as it was, Cal almost wished Ethan hadn't have woken up. Then Ethan wouldn't be in pain and be struggling and have to face this recovery process.

But at least Ethan was still making progress after his seizure (of which they hadn't determined the cause, apparently. Cal had to hold back from reminding her that they are doctors and should know.)

Unfortunately, in the listening period, Connie had tried to pursuade him to see Ethan. To talk to him. To help Ethan hear his big brother's voice.

And it was that which made Cal walk out of the office and go straight to ITU. But when he got there, palm on the door handle, he froze.

"He needs you, Cal. He really needs his brother," Lofty said from behind him.

Cal stared through the window of Ethan's room, saddened to see Ethan lying there looking so... ill and, and helpless. He was connected to nasal oxygen and sleeping somewhat peacefully. A rush of guilt flooded him as he remembered the part he played in this.

And just like that, his whole body started to tremble. His hand dropped from the door and he backed away into the wall behind him. His shoulder hit it but he felt no pain.

At least no physical pain.

He'd sat by Ethan's side for two months waiting for this moment, and it had finally come and Cal couldn't even step into the room. Ethan would be disappointed in him. So, so disappointed in him. If their positions were reversed, Cal knew that Ethan would not only do what Cal did for the first two months, but would also be there right now. He wouldn't get drunk and he wouldn't back out of seeing him and he wouldn't be scared to enter the room.

Ethan was so much better than him and it hurt that the better brother got hurt. The better brother was the one with suspected brain damage.

The better brother, by far, was Ethan.

"Take me home, Lofty," Cal said, dragging his eyes from his little, better brother. "Please."

The trembling didn't stop until he was at home, lying in his bed, wishing Ethan was beside him.