Saturday, 10 November 2015
Cal couldn't help it. As much as Ethan blushed and became embarrassed, Cal couldn't stop expressing how proud he was of Ethan. Despite the constant battling with Ethan's head and Ethan's unusual (well, unusual before the attack, normal now because of his brain injury) behaviour, Cal was positively beaming.
It didn't take much for Ethan to get angry anymore. It was usually anger directed inwards. Anger at not being able to do things, frustration when he couldn't find the right word.
Then there was the other emotion, the other look that Cal saw far too often for his liking.
Hopelessness.
It physically pained Cal to watch Ethan go from trying his best to completely down within a second. Cal was used to the switching emotions, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt when he watched the transition.
And he hated it when Ethan gave up.
"Please, Ethan. Just try?"
Ethan stubbornly shook his head. He hadn't gotten a word from Ethan from the minute the physio walked in the room. The same thing happened yesterday. Ethan had finished eating 10 minutes prior (he'd accidentally spilt some water on his chest but Cal had been quick to come to his aid and Ethan didn't get too annoyed with himself) and then the physio walked in.
Ethan had been warned of her arrival, been told that maybe he should try standing up, and he was positive about it. Then she actually arrived and Ethan was determined to refuse. He hadn't spoken for two hours after that and Cal didn't know why. He had tried asking, but Ethan shut down.
Sometimes, Cal wished he was at home in bed. It was too hard to see this, too hard to deal with it. He could do it with patients, he knew how to detach. But detaching from his brother was hard and found he had dealt with Ethan's emotional situations by being emotional himself. Wasn't the best thing.
"It doesn't have to be for long, we can just try?" Olivia - the physio - said kindly. Cal had apologised yesterday outside the room for taking up her time: an hour and a half was a long time to spend with a patient who didn't want to do anything. But she had been accepting, "there are far worse things, trust me."
Ethan still shook his head, pursing his lips.
"Why don't you want to, Eth?" Cal said in a low voice, hoping it would make Ethan more comfortable with telling him.
Ethan turned to look at him, and Cal saw it again. The hopelessness.
Taking a guess, Cal said, "are you scared, Ethan? Is that why?"
It took a moment for Ethan to respond, and Cal didn't think he was going to. But sure enough, Ethan nodded slightly, eyes filling with tears.
"W-wh-at i-if I ca-n-n't?"
Cal hugged his brother, feeling him tremble in his arms. "You don't have to run a marathon straight away. Everything takes time and you just have to try. You won't know if you don't try."
"I-if I c-an't e-e-ev-er... ev-... I-I..."
He was struggling to find the word, Cal could tell. He'd seen it happen with Ethan and patients alike, and Ethan hated it.
"I-I... C-Ca-l..."
Cal stroked his arms, glancing over to Olivia who was looking at him sympathetically.
"It's okay, Ethan. You'll get it. Focus. Remember what Dr McKay said?" And the problem was that Ethan might not. "Focus."
"C-ca-an't!"
Cal looked at Ethan with wide eyes. "Yes. You can. I know you can."
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath in (that hitched slightly due to his emotional state). "O-ok-ay." He paused. Cal smiled encouragingly. "W-wha-t i-if I ca-n't e-ev-er... ev-er... w-w-... wa-alk a-ag-ain-n?" A tear dripped from Ethan's eye and slid down his cheek.
"Oh, Ethan." He held Ethan's forearms. "You will. We have ages yet to get you back on your feet. I know it's disappointing when you can't do stuff, but it doesn't mean it will be like this forever."
Ethan didn't respond.
"Okay, Ethan? You will get better."
Again there was no response and Cal knew it would take more than a few words to convince him. But he needed progress, and Ethan was too scared to even try.
"Shall we try to stand, Ethan?" Olivia said.
Cal watched the hopelessness change the determination. "L-le-ts d-do t-th-is."
Ethan, despite agreeing to try, was still terrified. If he tried to stand or even walk and couldn't then it would prove he wouldn't be able to do things. It would prove he was weak and useless.
Of course, he couldn't tell Cal. He was Mr Positivity recently and it was getting a little tiring. It at least gave him hope because if Ethan wasn't positive, Cal would be.
He hated this though. He hated not being able to speak properly and when things slipped his mind. He forgot things easily and sometimes when he was trying to speak, he'd want to say something but the word just wasn't there.
And he'd even experienced lightswitch moods. One moment he had been happy, positive even, looking forward to progressing. Then the reason why he'd nicknamed them lightswitch moods kicked in and suddenly he was angry. Or upset. Or crying. And the worst thing? Half the time he didn't even know why.
Well, logically he knew why. He had a brain injury (as Cal had explained tearily to him) and the vague memories he had of what that included was switching moods. But, emotionally, he had no reason for it. His mood, his mind, his reasoning could switch within a second and he hated it.
He knew what happened (vaguely). Memories of what happened came back to him. He wished they didn't. Nightmares were an awful side effect of it. But to learn that he had not only been stabbed, but he died on the table Fucked Him Up. If it wasn't for that godawful man this wouldn't have happened. Fine, he can deal with being stabbed. But he can't deal with the brain injury that he apparently had.
Cal told him it was being his brain had been starved of oxygen. He couldn't quite remember the name Cal gave it (he couldn't remember a lot of things) but he knew what had happened and why.
And now with the walking. He wanted to walk, he wanted to get out of the godawful bed, but he was shaky at the best of times and he knew his muscles were weak. Cal had explained (because Cal has to explain a lot of things now godDammit) that it may be hard at first. That his brain damage could have severely affected that part of his brain.
Ethan didn't really understand, but he'd nodded like he did.
But with newfound drive and maybe even hope, Ethan decided that now was the time to try. Olivia was his physiotherapist. He was sure he recognised her the first time she had walked into the room, but couldn't place his finger on it. Much like a lot of damn things. It took him a lot of repetition in his own mind to commit her name to memory, and when she walked into the room this morning the name jumped out at him. He remembered.
That felt good.
He grit his teeth and weakly rose from the bed, already feeling his limbs protest. With Cal's help, he manoeuvred until his feet were on the floor and he was sat on the side of the bed. Grateful for Cal's arms still around him, he smiled at his brother. Cal smiled back. He understood.
Ethan liked that. He liked being able to not always use words with his brother. He hadn't always appreciated the power of facial expressions, but now with so limited words and energy to get what he wanted to say out, it had become his new best friend.
"When you're ready, Ethan, I want you to try and stand. I'll be here so you won't fall, and Cal will be right there behind you. Okay?"
He nodded. He was ready.
He used his arms to push down on the bed beside him, putting most of his strength into his hands. He started to feel his weight shift to his legs and feet. Cal gently held onto his waist and Olivia stood in front of him. Almost as immediately as he took his arms off the bed, his knees buckled underneath him and he was overcome with a wave of dizziness.
He was caught by Cal and steadied by Olivia. They both helped him back on the bed so he was lying again.
He felt the tears flood his eyes, felt the anger building within him.
Cal was speaking, saying something about it being normal. His lips were moving, his voice full of emotion, but Ethan wasn't listening. He didn't want to listen.
It was such a simple thing. Such an easy thing to do. Stand up. Be a normal person. Get out of the stupid hospital bed.
He couldn't even do that right.
His fists slammed onto the bed. And again. Cal caught his hands but Ethan tried once more to do it. He tried to speak, tried to find the words but nothing came. His mouth wouldn't work. He cried, anger and frustration and envy for seeing Cal and Olivia standing filled him.
Then the fuzziness came. His brain filled with fog. It was a strange feeling, one he'd had before. He couldn't remember what it meant. Couldn't remember what happened afterwards. Then the metallic taste came.
Then nothing.
Guest: I love writing them together! I did miss them being with each other. Thank you for your review!
Bonnie Sveen Fan: Yay - I'm glad you're glad! Thank you for your review!
Jynx999: I'm so happy you like it. I do find it hard to write them in character, especially as this isn't the type of story we've seen in them on Casualty so I can't base it off much. I'm proud of him and I'm writing it haha! Thank you for your review!