"Always after a defeat and a respite, the Shadow takes another shape and grows again." – Gandalf Greyhame, in 'Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring', by J.R.R Tolkien
Natasha entered the guest bedroom and immediately noticed the thoroughly-made bed. A neatly folded white bathrobe sat on the bed beside the pillow. On the nightstand, there was a jug of water and an empty rock glass. Upon further inspection, Natasha noticed that Laura had placed some pills inside said 'empty' glass. Picking up the glass, Natasha noted that the pills were Aspirin and Vicodin. Natasha knew why Laura had placed those pills directly inside the glass. It was so that Natasha would be more likely to take them.
Clever. Natasha thought with an amused smile. For someone who claims to not appreciate the ways of spies, she's pretty sneaky herself – yes, she had overheard Laura's muttering from the top of the stairs. Told ya, nothing ever escapes the Black Widow.
Glancing around the room again, she noticed an electric hair dryer on the makeup table. Stacked beside the dryer were a couple of clean, folded towels. A large hair comb sat on top of the neat towel stack.
God, Laura, you are such a saint.
Natasha silently thanked Laura for attempting to take care of her despite everything that had happened.
Natasha was deeply touched by the gesture. The truth was that she had loved Laura like her own sister ever since Laura and Clint got together. There was something about Laura that was just so…lovable. She realized that, like Steve, there was something distinctly and innately good about Laura. At that realization, Natasha vowed to herself to do everything in her power to keep them all safe, even if it meant giving up her own life.
Her duffel bag was unceremoniously hurled on the floor, just a couple of inches away from the edge of the bed. She took another glance around the room to make sure that it was safe and secure. Some would call it paranoid, but she'd prefer the phrase occupational hazard.
Natasha's sight inadvertently lingered on the bathroom door. A déjà vu. The last time she had been here in this guestroom – in fact, standing at approximately the same spot – she had witnessed that same door open to reveal none other than Bruce Banner, the man whom she had a brief romantic entanglement with about a year ago. Honestly, she wouldn't even call it a relationship, since it never quite panned out in the end, but then again, it was about as close to a romantic relationship she had ever gotten with anyone. To tell the truth, she really saw a lot of potential in that almost-relationship with Bruce, so much so, that she had decided (for once in her life) to fight for a chance at love. And damn did she fight hard. She fought hard for Bruce, fought hard for the prospect of 'them'. Well, that was until the man himself chose the easy way out. He ran, and left her behind.
Shaking off the unwanted sensation of familiarity, Natasha quickly entered the bathroom, stripped off her clothes, and readied herself for a much-needed hot shower.
As Natasha stood under the spray of hot water, her mind descended into a contemplative mood once again. Most likely a side effect of that déjà vu moments ago.
Bruce.
When the Avengers reassembled after the collapse of SHIELD, she hit it off with Bruce right away. Something about Bruce drew her towards him; like a moth being drawn to a flame; or like the two opposite poles of magnets, inevitably attracted to each other. She noticed that, unlike all her friends, Bruce wasn't a fighter. Instead, he was the one avoiding all the fight, all the fight that he knew he'd win. And that aspect about Bruce intrigued her, profoundly. Hence, she sought him out, partly to satisfy her undying curiosity about the man, and partly to overcome the deep fear she had once felt towards the Hulk ever since her near death experience (on the Helicarrier) at the hands of said creature.
It started out with just casual chats between them. Just random chit-chats. Small-talks, really. But then Bruce let slip one or two things about himself along the way. Okay, fine, she might have shamelessly used her sneaky spy interrogation tactics and maybe just a teeny-weeny bit of her feminine wiles to coax personal information out of him. But in her defense, it was with good intentions. It was in the service of a friend. Nothing wrong with trying to understand and help out a troubled teammate, right? So. Over time, she learnt of the bits and pieces about Bruce's endless struggles with anger issues, and also his constant fears of losing control of the Hulk.
"Sometimes…I don't even dare to go to sleep, Natasha. God forbid I close my eyes for just a few hours and I wake up to see all these… destruction and death, all by my own two hands…" Bruce had told her one night about his greatest fears, giving her a glimpse of what it must feel like to be in his shoes. It turned out that the more she learnt about Bruce's issues, the more she felt compelled to help him. More and more, she felt the need to comfort him, to give him peace. So, she did. Well, it wasn't like she gave him Black-Widow-style psychotherapy or anything, and NO, she did NOT offer him comfort sex either. She merely did the little things, such as introducing him to her private playlist (tunes she had collected over the years capable of lulling her back to sleep whenever nightmares haunted her nights); mostly Russian lullabies and some ballet music. Really. Just that simple. But then Bruce had found the playlist immensely helpful, and in due course, the lullabies just sort of…became their thing – yes, they had a thing. And she, became Bruce's go-to-person whenever he felt distressed. Most of the time she'd find herself just sitting beside him while they shared an ear bud like a lovey-dovey couple, and some other times, she would just pass him a flash drive containing a portion of her large musical collection. Heck, there were even a couple of desperate times when she had hummed the tunes straight out of her mouth just for him. Oh, by the way, together, they even figured out some sort of catch-phrase to tame the Hulk. Before that, the Hulk only listened to Steve, but now she could even get the Hulk to initiate non-violent physical contact with her. Achievement unlocked.
Soon thereafter, their trust in each other grew to the point where her Black Widow interrogation tactics were no longer required in any of their conversations. Instead, Bruce became open enough to share things with her on his own volition. Heck, he even showed keen interest in knowing things about her. So eventually, they had this… late-night… sharing sessions, going on. Like, they'd spent long hours into the night just talking to each other, sharing their pasts, their fears; everything. But hey, not that it was a one-sided thing between them though, because Bruce wasn't the only one reaping benefits from their… well, thing. The fact was that she, too, found a great deal of comfort after spending those times talking with Bruce. Because whenever she talked to Bruce, she felt… understood. Like she'd just know that Bruce could truly put himself into her shoes and just…understand. She used to ask herself why, as in why Bruce was able to understand her, or why she was able to relate herself so well to Bruce. Though deep down, she was sure that she knew the reason all along. In fact, it was probably the same reason that attracted her to Bruce in the first place.
"Believe it or not, it's kinda hard to find someone with shared life experience…" Steve had once told her implicitly about his criteria for a lover, when they were headed for New Jersey two years ago in that pickup truck he had 'borrowed'.
And…that was it. That was the reason. See, Bruce and her, they had shared life experience. Sort of. Okay, maybe not in the literal sense but in a more general sense of the phrase (she really couldn't imagine herself turning green at some point in her life).
In many ways, Bruce had gone through things similar to what she had been through, on an emotional level, at least. They both had to live with the guilt of having their hands stained with the blood of countless innocents. They both had to go through their lives with this sick notion at the back of their minds that they were really just monsters made for killing. So, that was why there was always this…this… understanding …they had of each other. She felt like they really just get what the other was saying whenever they talked. And naturally, because of this understanding, sharing things with Bruce was, to her, more like a treat rather than a burden. It became easy and natural to share things when the person could understand and relate to what she had shared. And in Bruce, she had found that person.
Eventually, those late night sharing sessions with Bruce got bolder, to the extent that she confided in Bruce her deepest and darkest secrets; secrets that were unknown even to Clint. She held nothing back. She told him everything about her past, about the things that she had done and the sins that she was forced to commit. And when she shared, she did so without a single iota of reserve. Because she knew that telling Bruce wouldn't make him change his opinions about her, or judge her, or change the way he saw her, or change anything between them for that matter. She knew that Bruce would still see her the same way even after knowing her dirty secrets. Because he understood.
The steaming hot water did wonders to Natasha's aching body. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation the water roused within her body, feeling her tight muscles loosen and relax under the soothing spray. She closed her eyes and sighed. She supposed that it was impossible for her to not think about Bruce at all, seeing how every cube-inch of this guestroom reminded her of the man himself. In fact, it so happened that it was in this guestroom that she had first attempted physical intimacy with Bruce. Heck, back then, she had been this close to literally having shower sex with Bruce, in this very same shower stall she was using. If it weren't because of the bad timing (they kinda gotten their asses whooped by Ultron and the Maximoffs at that time), Natasha was sure that she would have gone all the way with the man. God knows how much more Bruce's departure would have hurt if Bruce hadn't rejected her attempts. Sighing once more, she reached for a bar soap and began lathering it.
Well, as nice as it was, her increased rapport with Bruce came with a heavy price. It shattered the close connection she had shared with Steve during their partnership in DC. Her relationship with Steve underwent a drastic change by the time she got closer to Bruce, it became strained, thorny, and awkward. The usual banter between them evanesced completely. She'd no longer set him up on dates… well, she did try to, once or twice, but the attempts didn't really end well (Steve downright walked away from her without saying another word when she tried). Heck, even the conversations between them were almost always strictly business – and that was if the conversations between them even lasted more than 5 minutes. The most noticeable changes, however, were the way Steve addressed her and the way he acted around her. They went back onto last name basis with each other again. Ahem, correction, she didn't, it was Steve who had first started calling her 'Romanoff' again. Besides, the tone Steve used whenever he spoke to her back then was…monotonous, terse, clipped, and…clinical. Almost as if Steve was trying to distance himself from her. Pfft, who was she kidding, Steve was pulling away from her, no sense in denying the obvious. At first, she thought that it was due to their brief separation after she left him at Nick's 'grave'. Maybe their spark was just…gone? After all, it was months of radio silence between them after they parted ways at the cemetery. Sure, these things do happen right? When two people lost touch with each other for a long time, don't they become strangers once they reunite…? Wasn't that just how things worked? Sure.
Anyways, to Natasha, their separation all those months after DC had been a plausible enough explanation for Steve's sudden withdrawal from their shared camaraderie, and, well, she was pretty satisfied with that meagre explanation for a while. At least until Clint (the smug know-it-all busybody) came along and debunked her whole theory.
"Call it the Hawk's infallible visual prowess", Clint had told her before he began his long lecture about why her theory didn't make sense.
In Clint's exact words to her, "Just look at you and I, Nat. Back in our SHIELD days, we both went on deep undercover missions before, right? And during those missions, it was complete radio silence between us, we didn't contact each other for weeks, and sometimes even months on end. Heck, I think the longest we've gone without contacting each other was more than a year. But here's the thing, when the mission's over, did you see me pulling away from you? No. I didn't, Tash. Things were still good between us, nothing's change between us, fundamentally. So, I'm telling you, whatever it is that had Cap pulling away from you? It ain't because of the brief separation between you two. It's something else entirely. And I think you know what it is…" After much feigning ignorance and deflecting on her part, Mr. Hawkeye went further to reveal his observations that Steve harbored non-platonic feelings for her, and that was the reason Steve pulled away. Partly because Steve didn't want to get in the way of her happiness with Bruce, and partly because it hurt him too much to watch them together. Well, as clichéd as that sounded, Natasha realized that it was entirely plausible.
Afterwards, she had decided to test out Clint's little theory, hoping that for once in her lifetime she could triumph over the 'infallible visual prowess of Hawkeye'. She started paying close attention to Steve whenever she hung around Bruce. The sneaky spy in her had purposely chosen to do her lovey-dovey-lullaby-humming-sharing-ear-buds thingy with Bruce right in front of Steve and in spots within the Avengers Tower's surveillance coverage. And then, she would secretly access the surveillance footages just so she could watch Steve's reactions to her intimate interactions with Bruce.
The result of her little test?
Well. Let's just say that the Hawk never misses. That smug bastard.
Truthfully, she was flattered, that someone as good and honorable as Steve would even be interested in her romantically. And if she was completely honest with herself, she'd say that she, too, had once harbored romantic feelings for Steve, but had buried those feelings right at that cemetery in DC.
Natasha remembered her own words back then, when she told Steve about calling the 'Nurse'.
"Would you do me a favor? And call that nurse?" She remembered saying those words for the sole purpose of strengthening her own inner resolve to let Steve go and walk away. Those words, and the mere thought of Steve kissing and holding some other women, induced a sharp pang of jealousy right down to her core, yet she went ahead and said them, because she felt that it was the right thing to do.
"What was her name again?" She recalled feeling a stab of hurt and jealousy when those words spilled out from Steve's mouth, implying his interest in the 'Nurse'. Yet she stood firm and soldiered on, determined to finish her mission. Her mission to bury her feelings for the good Captain.
"Sharon… She's nice…" She remembered her own voice faltering when she uttered that name. She remembered mouthing those words with a quick avert of her eyes, unable to look into the intensity of Steve's eyes as she spoke. Partly because of fear, fear, that those baby blues would lure her back in, making it impossible for her to say goodbye. And partly to prevent Steve from noticing the tears that had welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill down the apple of her cheeks at any moment.
Yes, Sharon's nice. A woman who deserves you. You have no idea how much I want you, Steve. But I can't have you because I'm not right for you. Please, hate me. Blame me for everything. For lying to you back in the Lemurian Star. Hate me for everything, so that it's easier for me to walk away from you. She remembered chanting those words in her mind like a mantra over and over again as she fought back her tears.
"She's not a nurse." Steve had said to her back then.
And, Steve's show of interest in Sharon was precisely what Natasha needed to complete her mission.
Steve delivered the opening quip.
So she delivered the punchline and sealed the deal. "And you're not a SHIELD agent…"
Mission accomplished.
Finally, there was that last kiss she had planted on Steve's right cheek before she left. That was meant to be her goodbye kiss, a final ritual representing the relinquishment of whatever feelings she had once felt for America's Golden Boy. All for one straight-forward and simple reason: because Steve deserved so much better than someone with a goddamn bloody ledger.
Those tears that she had held back in front of Steve spilled from her eyes the moment she walked past the cemetery gates. And they never stopped flowing, not until she finally reached her Corvette.
Knowing the true reason (as much as she hated it, she had to admit that Hawkeye was spot on in his observations) behind the shattering of her connection with Steve by no means instigated her to mend her relationship with Steve. No, far from it. Instead, it compelled Natasha to let things stay the way it was. Besides, she figured that Steve would get over whatever feelings he might've had for her in due time when he meets someone better (that bloody nurse would be a great candidate, for instance). All she had to do was to let him do just that, which, for her, meant staying the hell away from Steve and just let him pull away. No sense in dragging Steve into her darkness when there were so many people out there who actually deserved his heart. Steve needed someone good and pure, someone whom he could have a family with, someone who deserved him, and someone whom he could build a future with. That someone wasn't her. A monster like her would only be poison to Steve. She wanted the best for Steve because Steve deserved the best. She had to let him go. Which was precisely why she made no attempts to reconcile with Steve when the Avengers reassembled after the fall of SHIELD. Besides, at that time, she had Bruce; a man she felt she could be with without the fear of tainting him, someone she felt that she deserved, and someone equally dark or perhaps even darker than herself.
By the time Ultron happened, her interest in Bruce turned romantic. Bruce was a good man after all. Plus, there were obvious connection and understanding between them. And to her, those were compelling enough reasons to pursue a serious relationship with Bruce. Admittedly, there were still times where she'd find herself comparing between Bruce with Steve. Both were good men, although Bruce-good was different than Steve-good. Steve-good was pure; refined. Bruce-good was a bit…darker...guilt-driven…quite similar to her own in a way, but still good nonetheless, because of the presence of good conscience. People such as Bruce and herself started what they did in order to atone for something. Their acts were often guilt-driven. But Steve Rogers...God…Steve Rogers was in a completely different league. Steve did what he did completely under his own volition. He volunteered to protect the world despite his obvious physical disadvantages before the serum. Any lesser man would've undoubtedly used any physical disadvantages as an excuse to avoid that responsibility, but certainly not Steve Rogers, because Steve Rogers was a man of the top-most quality. Steve Rogers was humanity at its absolute best. Bar none. Natasha had absolutely no doubt that sickly-and-scrawny-Steve would have run straight into the line of fire without so much of a second thought simply because he could still run. See? Now that, was the true essence of Steve-good, boundless conscience with the addition of the endless will to act and to sacrifice. Steve Rogers was the very image of a man Natasha Romanoff didn't deserve. Bruce's emotional baggage, on the other hand, was something that she could totally relate to, because it was somewhat similar to her own. So in essence, being with Bruce was equivalent to finding shared solace between two broken souls. A safer, compatible and guilt-free relationship – a relationship that Natasha Romanoff probably (there might just be a chance that she didn't deserve Bruce too) deserve.
How far was she willing to take her romance with Bruce, some might ask? Well, for those who asked, it might be helpful to know that it was in this very same house and in this very same bedroom that she had first suggested to Bruce that they both run away together. Yes, that's right, run away together, elope. Avenging be damned. Saving the world be damned. That's pretty damn far, right? Only, that plan didn't quite work out. Because Natasha had underestimated the inner good within herself. She could've ran away when Bruce rescued her from Ultron's captivity; there was literally nothing stopping them from just eloping and disappearing together right then, right there. The coast had been completely clear. But the hero within her took over. She chose to stay back and fight for the people of Sokovia. She chose to put her own chance at happiness on the line in order to save the world. It was the first time that she truly felt like an Avenger. In the end, Bruce left without her. She was hurt, undoubtedly. It hurt that she opened her heart to a man only to have it all thrown right back to her face. It hurt that Bruce left her behind without so much as a goodbye. Another part of her, however, was quite amused by the universe's twisted sense of humor. Because what Bruce did to her back then was the exact same thing that she had done to Steve at the cemetery! Bruce left because he didn't trusted himself enough to keep Natasha out of his darkness the same way Natasha walked away from Steve because she couldn't trust herself to keep Steve out of her own darkness. But, at least, Natasha understood Bruce's motivations for leaving. That gave her some form of closure and took away some of the hurt she felt due to Bruce's departure.
THUNK! The bar soap slipped from her hand and dropped onto the porcelain bathroom tiles.
Speaking of hurt, damn…my back is killing me, maybe I really should take those pills. Natasha inwardly cursed as she tried to bend down to pick up the bar soap. Giving up on bending her back, she squatted down with her back straight to pick up the soap instead. She remembered being in the midst of delivering a fake kick to Clint's face before being flung a good 30 feet into a steel container. Her back took the full impact. Clearly, Wanda couldn't tell the difference between a fake kick and a lethal kick. Damn it, Wanda, you really need to work on your observational skills.
After finally completing the excruciating task of soaping herself, Natasha reached for the shower shelf and grabbed a bottle of shampoo to clean her greasy hair. Natasha lifted her arms above her head to begin shampooing her hair. Big mistake.
She winced and bit down hard on her bottom lip as a sharp pain coursed through her spine. And she hadn't even begun shampooing yet. Definitely taking those pills now. Seriously, she couldn't even remember the last time she had gotten hurt so bad that she could barely lift her goddamn arms – yes, she was just that good in combat. Gunshot wounds and Hulk attacks aside, none of her past enemies had dealt that much damage to her body with only one single blow, ever. Not even the Winter Soldier. Granted, none of her past enemies could move stuff around with their minds. Sighing, she made a mental note to herself to be extra-extra-extra cautious in the future when dealing with people who have freakish, telekinetic powers. God, she really missed those days when hand to hand combat was the only 'super power'.
Because of the pain, Natasha fleetingly thought of abandoning her shampooing task, but scoffed at the idea almost immediately. Pfft. Like a little pain was gonna stop her from getting the job done. As if! Letting out a frustrated growl, she gritted her teeth, pushed through the pain and shampooed her hair. No amount pain could match her tenacious nature to get the job done. Most of the time, she had used work as a distraction from the pain she felt, especially emotional pain. It was what she did best, ignoring the pain and burying herself in work. She got hurt? She picked herself up, mended herself and fought back twice as hard. Well, that was precisely what she had done to deal with the emotional hurt caused by Bruce's untimely departure.
Shortly after Bruce's departure, she came back stronger and plunged into her role as the co-leader of the new Avengers. Steve had been incredibly respectful and supportive, and for that, she was extremely grateful. He did not once push her about the demise of her relationship with Bruce. He had given her space to sort out her own feelings, and she appreciated that, truly. Steve just stood by her side, silently, like a rock that she could lean on. Eventually, she found herself rebuilding her connection with Steve once again; it wasn't intended though, she didn't plan on rebuilding her connection with Steve at all. It just…happened. Naturally.
They had fallen back into their usual rhythm with great ease. Within a week of the new team's assembling, Steve started joking around with her again. The terse and no-nonsense Steve Rogers from the time of Ultron had once again transformed into the smartass who willingly participate in their daily repartee. They even made it back to first name basis again, and in fact, Steve even started calling her Nat.
Things were pretty perfect in their 'reconciliation' during the time they co-led the New Avengers, well, okay, except maybe for one minor 'glitch'. It was an incident so amusing that it's near unforgettable. It happened during one night after a tough team mission, when the whole team gathered at a bar down town for a couple of drinks to wind down. Steve seemed pretty excited and chipper about it at the beginning – in fact, it was Steve himself who had suggested the outing. After about an hour or so into their gathering, she found herself getting a little tipsy from all her vodka. So there was this bunch of guys who came up to them, mostly to get something signed by Steve, but there were 2 guys who tried to flirt with her. Look, she was tipsy and maybe just a little bit playful, so she flirted back. The flirting went on for about 2 minutes or so before she heard a loud crack from beside her. Despite her tipsy state, her training kicked in so she immediately glanced to her sides to check for threats; but what she saw amused her. She saw Steve (seated on her right) frantically cleaning beer off his shirt and pants. The beer bottle that was in Steve's hand just moments ago was reduced to shattered pieces, most pieces were scattered on top of the bar table, some dropped onto the floor near her feet. When she asked him about what happened and if he was alright, Steve merely averted his gaze and muttered something about 'forgetting his own strength' under his breath before excusing himself to the men's room. And then she glanced around her again, but this time it was to check if the other Avengers ever saw what she had seen, but the others seemed to be occupied in their own conversations. Plus, the music was kinda loud so she assumed that none of the others had seen or heard it. When Steve returned from the men's room, his demeanor was almost back to normal, almost. He still appeared slightly tensed, and his smiles were a little forced. So she attempted to get Steve to loosen up again. And it just so happened that she noticed a group of women (seated on their left) stealing glances at Steve the whole time they were there, so she told Steve about it, and asked him to go chat the women up. Okay, not the best of ideas, in hindsight. Steve merely turned around in his seat to face her with that ridiculous fake smile of his and told her that he needed to leave. He then stood up and left the bar, which was uncharacteristic of him since Steve was usually the last person to leave during these team bonding sessions. She tried not to read too much into the incident back then, but there was just one teeny-weeny little thought niggling at the back of her mind. There was something about Steve's behavior which made her feel edgy that night. It made her uneasy. Okay, fine, she panicked. There she said it. Panic. As in those whopping, balls out, blowing-air-into-paper-bag type of panic. Because at that moment she thought that Steve might have been jealous of the dudes she had been flirting with. She thought that maybe, Steve still had… feelings, for her. Dangerous feelings. Feelings, which she wasn't ready to address. It took her everything to walk away from him the first time at the cemetery. And if she was being honest, she really didn't think she would be able to walk away for a second time. And that was dangerous. Perilous. Not being able to walk away was dangerous. She could never forgive herself if she was somehow responsible for ruining Steve's future by dragging him into her own darkness. If there was anyone's future that she wouldn't ever risk, no matter how badly she wanted to be a part of it, it was Steve's. When she confronted him about his behavior the following morning, he dismissed her concerns and told her that everything was fine. He made no mentions about being jealous or about his feelings or anything at all, just told her that everything was fine. Natasha could always tell when Steve was lying, but back then, she honestly couldn't detect any lie. His pupils weren't dilated, and his breathing was even. Hell, he was even able to look her in the eye when he told her that everything was just fine. In the end, she supposed that he was telling the truth, because he did looked fine that morning; at least he wasn't disappointed in her or anything, or at least he didn't pull another 'Romanoff' on her again like during Ultron's time. In fact, when the both of them were heading out to attend an ad hoc meeting in town that same morning, Steve had even requested to ride along in her car to the meeting, said he just wanted spend time with her and discuss meeting details before the meeting took place. And after that day, they never spoke of the incident again. So that was it, that little weird and amusing incident.
Also, they began hanging out with each other more often, and usually stayed overnight in each other's personal quarters to plan missions and to sieve through new intel. Eventually, Natasha slowly found herself lowering her defenses around Steve. She began feeling more and more comfortable around him, and as a result, became more likely to open up to him emotionally. The proof for that was this one time when she returned from a tough solo mission in Russia. The mission reopened a lot of her old scars, so when she got back to the New Avengers' Facility, she headed straight to her quarters without greeting the team. She needed to be alone, to lick her wounds in private and to put herself back together. But when she entered her room, she was greeted by a pleasant surprise. Sitting on her nightstand was a bottle of her favorite drink, vodka. And beside the bottle were two picture frames. When she examined the frames, what she saw brought tears to her eyes. They were 2 beautiful sketches of her, both done in exquisite detail. They weren't black and white sketches, both were sketched using colored pencils. The first one was a sketch of her as a ballerina. But the second one was more… allegorical. The second frame contained a full body sketch of her in her catsuit…only that she had a pair of wings and that there was a halo above her head. Her whole body was ethereally glowing and both of her feet were elevated from the ground as if she was flying. And that wasn't all, in that sketch, she even carried a thick book with her name, 'Natasha Romanoff' carved on the book's front cover. The book was white in color and it was glowing. She knew right then what it was that Steve was trying to convey. Steve was trying to remind her that she was an angel, not a monster. The thick book represented her ledger, so Steve was also telling her that her ledger was white and cleansed instead of red. She grabbed the vodka and her clothes and headed straight for Steve's quarters right after she saw the sketches. That night, she stayed at Steve's and they talked; her about her dark past, and him about his pre-serum days and his haunting guilt after losing Bucky. Heck, Steve had even shared with her a touching story about his mother and his near suicide attempt while he was younger. Well, it wasn't like she didn't share anything of her own, she did share quite a bit that night… just… okay, fine. Admittedly, she didn't tell Steve everything like how she did with Bruce. She left out the details that she wasn't yet ready to share. She had done terrible things in her past. Evil things. Despicable things; things, which good people like Steve abhorred and loathed. That was why she could never bring herself to reveal everything about her pasts to Steve, because she didn't think that Steve would understand; heck, she didn't think that Steve would even look at her the same way anymore if he found out about the things she had done in the past. Every time when she pictured herself coming clean to Steve, it would always end up with images of Steve feeling revolted by her, of him hating her and casting her aside. Every time. She couldn't bear having Steve look at her with repulsion, like she was some sort of monster. She couldn't bear the thought of losing esteem in Steve's eyes. And God, the mere thought of losing Steve's friendship would ruin her if not kill her. Anyway, ever since that incident with the two sketches, she shared a close-knit emotional connection with Steve. She felt that they were closer than ever, as close as two platonic friends could ever be. She treasured the 2 sketches dearly, in fact, she packed both of them in her duffel bag before she left the facility.
Once she completed the agonizing task of shampooing her hair, Natasha stood under the hot stream once again and began rinsing herself. The soothing warm water had her mind switching gears to more recent events. She remembered being present at the church which held Agent Margaret Carter's memorial service. Not wanting Steve to be alone wasn't the only reason for her showing up at the church. She knew that Steve probably wouldn't be alone since Sam clearly went with him. The real reason she was there, was that she wanted to comfort Steve directly, and to be there for him. She wanted to see with her own two eyes that Steve was okay. They shared an intimate conversation inside the church hall after the service. Steve had been standing alone in the nave when she walked up to him. She remembered the way Steve leaned his body against a pew as they talked, his face so vulnerable and open. She had no doubt that the person she was talking to back then wasn't the stoic Captain America, it was the little guy from Brooklyn instead; the real Steve Rogers. That day, God, when Steve looked into her eyes with an expression of softness, vulnerability and trust, she truly felt a sudden urge to kiss him. And what scared her shitless was that she almost did. So much for burying her feelings for Steve. But she didn't kiss him, of course. Because it wouldn't be right. The love of his life had just died, and she knew how much Peggy meant to Steve. Kissing him so soon after Peggy's death would be disrespectful. But God, she had wanted to… she desperately wanted to just close the distance between their lips and –
"GASP!"
Natasha jumped. The feeling of the icy cold water on her body officially ended her long trip to memory lane. Shit, guess I must've used up all the hot water. Damn, just how long had she been standing under the shower? She gave her body a quick once over and was glad to notice that the soap and shampoo were all thoroughly rinsed off. With a sigh, Natasha turned the faucet, stepped out of the shower stall and toweled down. A minute later, she walked out of the bathroom in her bathrobe, grabbed the hair dryer and started drying her hair. She had let her hair grow out again after Bruce left. Maybe, just maybe, it was a subconscious act that revealed her inner desire to get closer to Steve once again – even though her conscious mind had no plans in doing so. She didn't know if Steve or any of the others noticed, but all the times she had long hair were the times when her bond with Steve was strong, and it was the complete opposite for all the times she had short hair. (AOU: Nat short hair, The Avengers: Nat short hair, CATWS: Nat long hair, CACW: Nat long hair, Food for thought)
After setting the hair dryer back in place, Natasha walked over to the night stand and took the pills Laura had left for her. While setting the glass back down onto the nightstand, her eyes caught sight of the photo frames peeking out of her duffel bag. She picked up the one with the angel, laid her body down on top of the covers and continued her endless admiration of the sketch. Her eyelids grew heavier by the second, but she willed herself to keep her eyes open, just so she could continue staring at the sketch. Seeing the sketch often felt like an out of body experience, it was as if she was looking at herself through Steve's eyes. If only she could truly see herself the way Steve did, if only…
Then everything went dark as exhaustion took over.