"Nibbles…" Cal tried to reach out, to place his hand atop Ethan's. Ethan moved his hand away, staring at him. Cal didn't look at him properly. He looked at his eyebrows, shoulders, looked at the wall behind him, at his ears. But he didn't look at Ethan's eyes, he couldn't look at Ethan's eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Cal didn't want to see that.

He looked at Ethan's slightly shaking hand, itching to try and take hold of it again but not prepared for the inevitable knockback. He started speaking, and found that he couldn't stop."Ethan, I… I'm sorry. I know, I know that sorry won't solve this and I know you probably won't ever want to see me again a-and I can go if you want. I… Ethan, I love you, of course I love you. And I'm so sorry and I don't know how to make it up to you. Or I do. Right? If I leave then you can concentrate on getting better and stronger and you don't have to look at me or-or think about me again."

"C-C -"

"And it doesn't matter because you're okay and you're alive, no thanks to me, but you are. Yeah?" He paused, taking a deep breath and swallowing back the tears. "I know I'm probably just making you upset and I was going to tell you, I promise. But I wanted to wait until you were ready and I know it's not my place to decide when you're ready but I needed to wait to tell you because I didn't want you getting stressed or upset but then I had to tell you because I had no choice but I was going to tell you when you were better. But you know now and if you want me to go I can go I won't mind and you'll have other people like Lily to help you and she's much better than me anyway."

"C-al…"

"But it's okay because I didn't help you at all and I ran away when things got tough but I, I just couldn't bear it knowing that you were suffering and I thought it was the best thing but I was drunk and wrong and you're alive and you're okay. I ran away and I avoided coming here when you were conscious and that's unforgivable because you're my little brother and I promised to protect you and I didn't and I'm sorry. And you will be okay but I…"

He finally looked at Ethan's face, just above his eyes.

"I love you, Ethan. And I know, I know this is unforgivable. I'll go, okay? Just… you'll be fine. You'll recover fully and you'll be good and you don't need me."

But as Cal looked into his eyes, as he finally braved it and looked into Ethan's eyes, he saw no anger or hatred. Nothing of the sort, as he had previously feared. He saw sympathy, pity, longing. Almost as if Ethan was staring at something be so desperately wanted, but couldn't ever have.

Cal's hand was resting on the bed. Ethan's trembling one moved on top of his. Cal regarded it, shocked that Ethan would initiate the contact.

"Ethan, I -"

He defiantly shook his head. "N-no. L-ist-en t-to m-mme. N-no-t un-f-for-gi-ve… un-for-g-give-a-b-ble. I-I -" Ethan groaned and Cal could tell he was becoming frustrated, wanting to say so much but having trouble saying even the littlest. But Cal waited. He would wait for as long as it took. He always will. "I l-lo-ve y-you a-an-d w-wan-t y-you t-ost-ay." A tear rolled down his cheek and immediately Cal wrapped his arms around Ethan and held Ethan's head in his shoulder. Now his face was hidden, Cal finally let his own tears fall.

If he was being completely honest, Ethan didn't know why he had passed it by so easily. Cal could have severely injured him, killed him even. Just the prospect of death terrified Ethan and having a gap of a couple of months in his mind already intimidated him. He had to face up to death when he was lying alone, bleeding out. So he accepted death (sometimes even longed for it, but that was a secret) but didn't like the notion that he could have died. And Cal could have caused it.

But maybe Ethan did know why he passed it by so easily. Because he knew Cal. Because he knew what it took to break Cal completely and Cal was broken completely. Because Cal needed fixing just as much as Ethan and if Ethan told him to go away and never come back, he might well come back. Dead. And the scariest part of that was that it could be an accident or it could be on purpose.

And maybe, just maybe, Ethan knew how precious life was now. He knew it before, he worked in an emergency department. He watched birth and death every day. But he'd come too close to dying himself, so close to losing the people he cared about, that he wanted to hold onto everything he had. Cal was the most precious thing to him, and he wasn't going to lose him because of a mistake. An incredibly stupid and worrying mistake, but a mistake all the same.

Anyone would laugh at him, he supposed. Warn him to get out fast, to leave Cal and never look back. Worry for his sanity for forgiving Cal so easily and wanting to move on. But if Cal had never told him, had never explained what happened, Ethan wouldn't have known and none of this conversation would have happened. Nothing would have changed between them.

So in all honesty, maybe he did know, maybe he didn't. But he did know one thing for certain: to hold on tightly, with both hands, to the precious things. Because one day they will all be lost.

There was a knock on the door. It wasn't necessary, but Ethan was always picky about those things and Cal was doing everything Ethan wanted for the last month or so. Ethan stuttered out for him to come in and Cal did so, albeit struggling with the door, the heavy-looking jug of water he'd just refilled hindering him.

Ethan quickly wiped under his eyes, plastering a smile on his face. He was sure the tears weren't just from today. He was tired and worn out and sick of this hospital room. He missed who he was. He missed being a doctor. He missed being useful.

He inspected Cal's red face and knew he wasn't the only one who had been crying. That was one thing he always hated about Cal; his need to look and act strong. He knew it was a coping mechanism, of course, he did, but Cal needed support sometimes too. Or else… well, or else he does something stupid like nearly drinking himself to death and then proceed to 'help' his brother.

Cal carefully placed the jug on the side and poured Ethan the glass of water he'd needed for the past ten minutes. Well, he said glass. It wasn't a glass. It was plastic so, just in case, if Ethan dropped it there wouldn't be glass everywhere. Ethan knew and understood it, but he didn't like it.

He wasn't a child.

"There you go, Eth." Cal sat down on his usual chair and watched (though he was kind enough to make it discreet watching, Ethan knew he was watching) as Ethan leant over to pick it up.

His grip wasn't strong yet. It was strong enough to hold the cup but one slip and water would go everywhere. So he concentrated, hard. He extended his fingers out and wrapped them around the cup, biting his lip unconsciously. He held it tightly and slowly brought it off the table. Cal tried to hide his smile, Ethan didn't. This felt good. Yesterday he'd dropped it almost as soon as he picked it up.

He brought it over the bed and up to his mouth, taking some sips. It was a nice refreshing taste, he never fully appreciated it before. He never fully appreciated a lot of things.

He took it away from his mouth for a moment - just a moment - to smile at Cal, letting him know it was okay - good, even.

And then his grip loosened and the cup fell from his grasp.

Ethan only glanced at it for a moment. Frustration entered his brain, along with anger. Both directed straight at himself. He heard Cal say something, but he couldn't make it out over his own crying.

casslourocks: To be honest so did I and I had to remind myself to bring it up again! As you can see, unfortunately, Ethan and Cal both have their demons and right now it's a little sad… Hahaha! Funny thing is I love tuna… but not in a sandwich. I hate sandwiches as they are and if someone adds tuna? Oh, GOD. Go! Have some tuna! Enjoy it! :D Nah, no need to apologise, it's quite nice. Yeah, it's difficult to tell I like them xD Hope you enjoyed this and thank you for your review!

Panic-at-casualty: Thank you! I couldn't not add it in, in the end xD! When I first started writing By Your Bedside, Honey was still in Casualty and dating Ethan and considering she left I just decide NOPE I'm going to cut her out of His Mind's Darkness because I can't see her sticking around. I suppose at this time, Ethan values everything he has (like Cal AWW) and anything he doesn't, well, goodbye! Was indeed a strange chapter xD. I hope his reaction met your expectations and didn't disappoint you :D. Thank you, it's very relieving to hear it's not just a complete mess. Thanks for the review, dude!

Bonnie Sveen Fan: Yay, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Yes, comrade, tuna and cucumber sandwiches EUGH! Strange as it is, I'm glad you feel sorry for them both. If you didn't it would mean I completely messed up writing it. Thank you for your review!

Guest: I'm glad it's sad, means I managed to convey what I wanted across xD! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you for your review!