December 10th, 2004

3:45 PM

Evaluation of Retired Specialist David Webster

Status: Has Anxiety, Stress, Depression, Insomnia- Further Evaluation Still Needed...

Conclusion: Unknown

He paced back and fourth with impatience baring heavily on his conscience. Feet shuffling on the rug; trying to find a way out of this man-made building. The room felt like it was closing in on him. He could feel the walls moving, shaking the ground beneath him. A blur of movement caused him to stop before the window. His breathing was heavy and his face flushed like something was trying to suffocate him. He felt trapped in a world that had it's hands tightly around his neck. Tighter and tighter the invisible hands squeezed. Closing his eyes to keep the feeling down, he had to take a slow breath of air. His only comfort was the window at the far side of the room. It was were a plant was growing and were it fed off the sun. Comfort is what he was trying to find. David wanted comfort.

Outside the window the sun was barely visible due to the grey sky. Snow had fallen heavily with the temperature outside barely in the upper 40's. Unaffected by this behavior a woman sat in a chair. She was watching silently. She was observing the behavior of her new patient. The way he walked with an impatient look. He was stressed from the tense in his muscles and the fear was building in his mind. She has seen this once before under different circumstances. Behavior under pressure was beyond something fearful for this man. She has seen his record. She knew what she was going to have to do. The only question, was he willing to speak now or wait until he collapses underneath the weight of flashbacks?

"It would do you some good, David, if you sit down." She asked in a smooth tone. Her eyes looking down to the notepad in her lap. Writing quickly before she turned back her attention on the man who had opened his tired eyes and had focused out the window. "Are you anxious about something?"

David turned his attention to the woman in the chair. She was an older woman with fine lines making her look the age of maybe fifty. Glasses, hair in a bun, wearing something formal- yep, she was a psychiatrist. "This was a mistake coming here." He finally said.

"Why do you say that?" The psychiatrist raised a brow to him. Her pen in hand tapping lightly against the chair. She was waiting for David to answer her, but she knew that this type of condition takes it's time. She did not want to rush the man who has just come home from the war. It was a delicate matter to speak about what soldier's saw or had been through.

"It's a bunch of bullshit. You and those who have some fancy degree believe you can help people- soldier's like me- get through the flashbacks and try to cope to live some normal life. You want us to talk freely. To sit down crying our eyes out while you and all like you sit there with no expression on your faces. Writing down every little detail and declare us to be unfit to walk in society." David expressed loudly. His movements of his hands copying his emotions.

"I am not here to pass judgment on you, David. My job is to listen to my patients. My job also entitles me to check on the status of your psyche. Seeing as you do not trust me because you are becoming hostile, I have to continue observing you. If I find you to be in danger to yourself or others, it is my duty to make sure that you get the proper treatment." She stated as David walked away from the window with arms crossed. He stopped just a few paces away feeling like some animal in a zoo waiting to be put under scientific research for all to see.

"I do not need an ear to cry too. I do not need to have my brain and mental state questioned. The only people to understand what I had seen and been through are those who were there. Those who fought in wars have that experience. Excuse me, Doc, but I am not ready to face those demons." David walked past the woman not wanting to stay in the room any longer. It was to be an hour long session, but thirty minutes had passed without any progress. David had ignored or spat against the questions being asked. She called out his name, but he ignored it once he walked out the door leaving the older woman to blink on the events that had just happened.

On the other side of the office, Jane stood up quickly when she saw her husband walk out with haste in his stride. The door slammed loudly making the man lightly jump from the noise. Frames that were hanging on the walls vibrated. People who were waiting looked to the man from above their magazines in their hands. Some had talked in low whisper's. The receptionists at her desk stopped talking and finger's were above the keyboard. David had caused a scene. Yet, he did not have the slightest regret. Flashes caused his eyes to blur. The sound of a bullet whistling past him caused David to keep still. The ground began to shake under him again. He spoke no words to his wife nor did he look at her in his state. Jane was about to speak with an open mouth, but no words came out of her mouth.

The waiting room was deathly silent. David was shaking lightly when the flashes faded. The people sitting did not know what to do or what to say to ease the situation. They knew nothing about David's state of mind. Not wanting to be around eyes that passed judgment, Jane watched with worry as her husband walked to the exit.

...

Nothing could break the tension. Nothing could be formed in either mind. Inside of the old truck both husband and wife sat quietly. David at the passenger side with Jane in the driver's side. The heater warming up the truck with snow falling again. People were barely out in the town due to the winter season and the tourists were gone until the spring and summer time where the weather was warm and humid. To David it felt like a ghost town. A town with history and death. Jane sighed glancing over to David wanting to speak to him. Her focus had to be on the road because of it's dangers and she did not want to have her husband lash out from one of his flashbacks.

"What do you want me to do?" David said. Coming to see a psychiatrist that specialized with homecoming soldier's that had war memories may have been a mistake, but it was also worth a try. He thought he could talk about what had happened overseas. He thought maybe with a bit of faith he could find some cure or answers. But all David found was another person waiting to call him unfit to himself and a danger to others around him. Faith was something that had been lost to David. What was faith going to do? It did not cure. It did not cover him with security like a warm blanket.

"I don't know, David. Speak to me so I can understand how I can help you." Jane stated with worry in her voice. The truck was slowly passing by buildings and stopping at turns and red lights.

"Why does everyone want to help? I do not need it right now." David looked out the window with his arm on the door handle. They were heading back to Jane's parent's house. The man was not sure how long they were going to stay there, but her parent's insisted on their stay for as long as David could cope with civilian life. So far, the past few day's have been hell for everyone. "Worry about your own selves rather than me. I will be fine. Just give me time to breath on my own."

And it was showing.

"Maybe you do not need help... now, but since you have been home you barely sleep. You worry me constantly when you are looking out the window waiting for something to happen. You jump to loud noises. Even Annie is beginning to become afraid of you. She needs her father and I need my husband. My father watches you closely waiting for you to snap out of your daze. You say not to worry. David, you are my husband. We had vows to take care if one of us is not able to do it themselves. Stop trying to push us away. What had happened to you overseas was not your fault. What you have seen was your choice and what you did, you could not go against higher than you."

"It is not easy to cope with this, Jane. How long did it take your father to keep the flashbacks from ruining his life? Over there where the fighting get's worse soldier's have to do what they are told. I know it was my choice to see them, but I was not expecting to be discharged. I said something to the doctor and bam... I am out. It was like what had happened to your father. Now look where it got him. He is on medication; something I do not wish to take." David closed his eyes tiring of the same conversation that has been of annoyance since his return. Those around him worried for his mental state. He understood that they would go out of their way to support him. Right now it was tough to be smothered by too much love. It was not going to fix him.

The rest of the ride home was in silence. The radio was not even on. Jane felt lost not truly knowing what she was going to do. Giving up now would not help her husband. It has been a few day's since David has returned to the states. No one expected it to be easy. No one expected it to be hard. Her husbands relationship with their daughter was a slow process. What Jane had said about Annie being afraid of her father was true. The little girl could not enjoy the loud laughter of a child without having David telling her to quiet herself. Annie could not even sneak up on David without having the man turn around quickly with a look that scared her. Jane feared David would someday be a danger, but she was not going to voice out her worries to him.

Adam had been in David's boots. The older man lived with nightmares. There was even some events he has yet to speak about many years later. Jane had grown up with having her father enduring the same mental state as David. Jane did not want to have her daughter not know her father or be afraid of him, like she had once been. David had changed and no one was asking him to talk. They only wanted to help him through the process of self recovery. She knew it takes time for one to cope. She was afraid that her husband was already too far gone. It was still too early to say if David would recover. She could only pray.

"Is daddy going to be okay?" Annie asked her grandfather out of innocent curiosity.

Both were sitting at the table in the kitchen putting together a puzzle of what seemed to be a meadow of some ancient land. It was half-way finished with missing pieces still needed to be found. Inbetween his fingers was a puzzle piece that needed to be placed in it's proper place. Adam tried to linger on the question. Annie had placed her elbows on the table with a small frown on her face. Debbie was stirring some chicken on the frying pan listening to her granddaughter. The smell of the herbs filtering through the house made her stomach grumble.

"He will be okay, Annie. Your father just needs time to... get used to everything around him." Adam said placing the puzzle piece in it's proper place. The young girl picked up a piece and found (or so she thought) a perfect place for it. "You have to remember."

"Remember what?"

"Your father has been away for three years. A lot has changed. Imagine if you were gone for those three years. Would you expect everything and everyone around you to be the same?" The look on the young girl's face turned into confusion. Her head cocked to the side.

"Changed?"

He could hear Adam trying to speak in a way Annie could understand. The way she spoke about him was a bit upsetting. She did not understand what was going on, but she could see the pain and sorrow. The confusion when she wanted to play with her father. David had felt empty and out of place. When she would hide he feared being shot down. When she would sneak up behind him he feared he was going to be taken prisoner. Annie did not know what she doing was causing flashbacks to form in his mind. She was just a small child doing innocent play like any other child. David had to place a barrier between himself and those who want to be around him.

Annie was seeing the change. She was scared of her own father. She barely wanted to be around him without having her mother to hide behind. David shook his head not wanting to feel that anxiety dwell in his chest. With that anxiety came the flashbacks. Moving away from the kitchen area he almost ran into his wife who had just come out of the shower. Walking past her, David went into the restroom that was still foggy and warm from the shower.

Closing the door and locking it, he took in a deep breath. In through the nose and out through the mouth. He repeated this process for a few moments. Once he was able to control his high anxiety David walked over to the sink. Turning on the sink to let the water fall into the drain, he took in a scoop full of water. The liquid was falling through the cracks in his fingers. Wetting his face with the cool water. David turned off the sink. Hearing the sound of the water go down the drain he looked up to the mirror that was still fogged. The reflection of himself showed. Tired eyes with bags under them.

Breathing deeply with a racing heart, David could feel his balance slipping. Knees were buckling underneath him. Shaking with his hands on the side of the sink. His eyes looked to his own reflection to the man he was now. Something blurred the reflection. The humid air on the mirror began to disappear before him. David could barely see his surroundings. His mouth had become dry. The walls were closing in on him like they did at the office of the psychiatrist. The weight of his shaking knees made him fall to the ground. A loud thud from his body hit something making it shatter. He could not move a single muscle in his body. No words could come from his mouth. His mind was yelling at him to call out for help. Something was wrong. It was not the flashbacks causing this. It was something strong. Something unseen. The last thing David could remember was hearing the yell of his wife banging on the door to let her in.

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