Shattered (Rewrite)

by Timu Sutoomu

An alternate take on the Evangelion manga starting at volume 9. Rei is the target of Arael's mindrape and this causes a significant shift in the outcome. Doubts, betrayals and discoveries lead the cast to try to change the outcome, but will they succeed in preventing Third Impact? Rated M for language and possible adult themes in later chapters. Rei/Shinji.

2. Regression into the self

Shattered

Disclaimer: I don't own evangelion. I wish.

Author's notes: Welcome back for chapter II dear readers. I'm making steady progress on the story so far and have a reasonable grasp of where I want this to go, though I am still weighing several possibilities off against eachother and I have to iron out a couple of things plot wise. Besides that I still have to write the thing of course.

The first chapter was written during my holiday so I had all the time in the world to think and write. Coming chapters may take a bit longer to come out since I am now back at my job (yes I do have a life outside of writing this piece of fanfiction). Sometimes it takes a little bit to let go of work and clear my mind, but I have been able to cram out solid amounts of story when I did find the time so delays shouldn't be too bad. Also, I want to break at least the 10000 words mark for each chapter. This way I make sure that I'm fully taking every opportunity to expand on the story and think what I write down through.

Anyway, enough about that. I won't keep you all any longer. Let's get on with the story!

---

*I have made small edits to this chapter to hopefully better capture Gendo's persona based on some of the points made in Seeking Professional Help's review. Thank you for your honest opinion!

---

"Onemississipi"

– denotes speech

Twomississipi

– denotes thoughts

"Threemississipi"

– denotes projected speech, may be through a radio but also an alternate voice in a character's mind. Should be clear from context.

---

Part II: Regression into the self

Rei found herself standing in a sea of LCL, much like she had in the encounter with the Angel. In front of her stood her younger self again. Neither spoke as they looked at eachother. The young girl simply pointed into the distance, a solemn look on her face as she did. On one side was the sun setting in the distance, the other, the direction the young blue-haired girl pointed at, darkness. Without thinking Rei took off in the direction her younger self was pointing at.

She walked until the orange and red colours of the scene started slowly shifting, becoming darker as they moved along, the air more frigid, the atmosphere thinning. She felt a growing sense of trepidation as she moved further into the twilight. A roaring sound became more and more apparent in the distance. She moved closer still, the roaring became louder and the air was now so thin and dark that it was near utter blackness, only a thin veil of atmosphere remained.

It was as if she was standing on the edge of the earth's stratosphere, utter darkness only accented by the gentle shade of blue in which she stood. The sun far behind her had now been fully swallowed by the horizon. The roaring sound revealed itself to be the edge of the sea of LCL, the liquid poring down into oblivion underneath her feet.

Through the blackness ahead a dark object appeared as if coming out of the shadows. The edge of the sea of LCL disolved into nothingness as she became disembodied. She was no longer herself, only a passive observer of the scene unfolding, feeling both like infinity and nothingness at the same time.

A black egg shape with a smooth surface only barely reflecting the light of a star not too far away passed by. Leading the way, perfectly aligned and steady with the egg shape as it rotated on its' own axis, was the Spear of Longiness.

The object and Spear approached a proto-planet, it's gravity pulling on in it and skewing the egg's course. A crash of epic proportions played out in front of her eyes in slow motion as the objects were pulled straight into collision with the young celestial body. The Spear hit first. One of the tips of the two prongs burried itself in the earth, pushing it through the surface as the initial inertia faded and it stopped entirely. The other tip bent and shattered on impact as the black egg thundered forward from behind, crashing into the other end of the Spear.

The shaft buckled and broke as the black moon pushed forward unfased by the object in between itself and the proto-planet. As the Spear shattered under the stress, the egg collided with the surface of the planet. Time seemed to go faster and faster as the massive collision of worlds played out before her. The egg burried itself deep into the ground as it threw up immeasurable amounts of earth, most of it blasting out into the the planet's exosphere and beyond. As time passed the gravity pulled the clumps of broken planet together to form two new planetoids.

The cataclismic results left the original planet in turmoil. Vulcanic erruptions tore up the planet's surface, the combination of the impact and the new moon's gravity pulling and warping it as both slowly settled into a new equilibrium, pitch black clouds bellowing from the lava spewing volcanos.

The damage of the collossal impact started slowly fading as the two planetoids reformed into what was now undeniably the earth and the moon. Their orbit stabilized and the vulcanic activity receded. Thick black and ashen clouds dissipated and the flow of lava cooled and dried.

A single heartbeat brought Rei back into existence. Her body was moving of its' own volition as she was filled with an intense feeling of extacy. The heartbeat continued it's steady beat as she lifted herself up. Standing upright, her hands moved to cradle on object or essense that was yet to materialize. She felt as if she was creation herself, both a beginning and an end, an amazing sense of bliss.

The palms of her hands split open unleasing a stream of tiny red orbs, circling between her hands and forming a perfectly round sphere. As the sphere filled up it increased in size, overflowing the circling crimson orbs funneled downward and streamed down to the surface of the planet. She towered high over the mountainous terrain before her, the scorched earth now at peace and fertile. She gasped in orgasmic pleasure as her gut split open and bled onto the terrain below. She felt herself dissolve into nothingness as her essense spilt out as she gave birth to life on the fertile soil of the planet.

With a jolt Rei woke up, soaking in sweat and panting heavy breaths. She was back in the hospital. Her hands moved to her flat belly instantly only to reveal nothing wrong. No blood, no cut. Nothing on her hands as well.

Who am I?... Her thoughts turned into a whisper. "What am I?" As she took in her surroundings and regained her senses she leaned back in the hospital bed, plopping her head down on the pillow in exhaustion.

She tossed and turned in the bed unable to shake the dream from her mind. She was becoming desperate as the intrusive thoughts clouded her mind more and more. She rolled onto her side pulling her legs up to her torso and balled her hands into fists, pressing the palms of her hands over her eyes. She pressed down hard and grit her teeth, tears springing into her eyes as she whispered into the empty room once more. "Why am I here..." for whom? Are these my memories?

She cried a desperate whimper, pleading. "I don't want to remember any of this!" Being louder than she would have wished, she clasped her hands over her mouth. She drew a shuddering breath through her fingers. She allowed herself a brief mental glance back to the dream, her heart growing cold as she remembered the images.

Is this me? Is that what I am?

The sensation that she felt at the end of the dream rushed through her, the memory of her gut splitting open, the deep crimson of the blood contrasting sharply with her pure white skin as it gushed from the newly formed gash flashed back before her eyes. The sense of completion she felt in her dream was mirrored by the fear and despair she felt for the memory of it now.

Her thoughts drifted to the white titan deep within the bowels of NERV, the figure reminiscent of herself in her dreamscape. She could sense there was a connection between her and it. The giant was a captive like herself, she realized, waiting to be used when the time came. What was it's purpose? What was hers? The dream... what does it mean? What is it trying to tell me?

The constant thoughts were tiring and frightening. She had always been able to put her thoughts aside. Any doubts and feelings quickly waved away by the security she found in the trust she felt for the Commander. She hadn't given any of it a second thought, always loyal and following. But now she couldn't. There was nothing but doubt in her mind. The reflections in her mind were overwhelming and constant. She didn't want to think these things. She never had before and she found herself unable to deal with any of them, all questions remaining unanswered and festering, constantly bubbling to the surface of her mind, leaving her in despair.

Her heart felt heavy and torn. Like the tortured whine of the out of tune string on a violin playing constantly within. It painfully reverberated through her heart and echoed in her body and mind, paired with the sensation of an ice-cold brick laying in her stomach. If only this feeling would end she would be grateful.

If I were to be replaced... I wouldn't have to remember. It would be easier, she thought, if she didn't remember any of this. She would be unknowing and unfeeling once again if she were to end this existence. She felt herself wishing to just not be anymore, to not feel any of this again. But there was something else tugging at her heart. Someone she didn't want to forget. Feelings she didn´t want to lose. Would she remember any of him? Would she feel the same way about his touch? Would she hold his hand again?

Do I deserve any of his affection? Would he feel the same way if he knew the truth? And what of the dreams. What did they mean and what would the young blue-eyed boy she had in mind think of her if the dreadful feeling the dream gave her were reflected by him? She didn't even understand what it was she was thinking, what the dream meant, but it was ominous and dark. What if he would turn from the darkness in my heart? And her past, would he care for her if he knew? Should he?

Her mind was finding rationalizations for pushing the boy away from her even though she had yet to grasp any meaning of what was happening within her ruminations. It was dismaying and the constant speculation, twists and turns her brainwork was making were quickly growing into a messilly intwined string of thoughts and feelings she couldn't untangle.

Despite her dismay she was succumbing to her fatigue. Her eyes grew heavy even as her thoughts spiraled further out of control.

Slowly she drifted back into an uneasy slumber, not noticing the red eyes scrutinizing her from the shadows, almost glowing in the dark of the room. The boy waited patiently for the girl to give in to her exhaustion before stepping out of the shadows. He was intruiged by the girl's inner world and the brewing termoil of her thoughts and feelings. He hadn't forced his mind on the girl like Arael had. She had already torn the girl's subconscious right open. All that he had done was give a little push and all these enthralling sensations came flushing out.

He was fascinated as the girl slept fitfully before him. A gentle smile was painted on his face, aware of the turmoil in her mind. He was not intent on hurting her, but a subject to study from up close was too great an opportunity to let pass by, especially since she was so similar to him.

Similar as she was, he couldn't help but note that there was something about her that didn't make her quite like him. It had occured to him from Rei's dreamscape. Like him, her origins were of one of the fruits of life. But unlike him, she was made of Lilith. There was something odd about this, it didn't make sense to him. If the men of Seele wished for humanity to give place to the offspring of the tree of life, the originaly purposed inheritants of this planet, then why would Rei be made of Lilith? What was her purpose, if his was to initiate Third Impact to cleanse the world of the interlopers?

Unlike himself she was innocently unaware of her true essense. She was the mother of all life on earth in a sense, but her heart and mind revealed no knowledge to be aware of that fact. He closed his eyes for a moment, focussing on the call he could hear coming to him from the deep. The silent pull on him urging him to become one with the presence. Was it his true body waiting for them to reunite or was it the Lilith's? He couldn't be sure which, not until he could lay his eyes on it.

All this was highly suspect. He knew of the capacity of man for deceit, being tasked with keeping a close eye on NERV and its' dealings, and their ignorance of the true purpose that was set out for him by the old men. Was the pact they had made with him another lie? And if he was not truly meant to cleanse the earth, what good was Lilith to man? She had already given birth to life. The doors of Guff had already opened, and the souls within already spent. Did they wish to reset life to evolve once more? What would be the guarantee that anything would turn out differently? No. There was an alternate motive at play, he decided.

Something was being kept from him. There was another purpose to all this, but he wasn't sure what it was until he found out more. He would have to keep a closer eye on the girl from now on. The Third Child was interesting to him, but the First more so. The boy wasn't too keen to get to know him anyway, it appeared, Perhaps the girl was more willing. Through her he might gain a better understanding of Shinji as well.

He could sense the bond between the two children. She was fragile and incomplete, a quiet desperation in her soul for completion and connection. He would have to handle her carefully or she would break, but he would have to guide her to the edge nonetheless.

He had to admit to himself that he enjoyed the intrigue between the old men, NERV, and himself. This game of chess where pawns were sacrificed and moves exchanged to support a grander strategy. But a game of chess relied on the ignorance of the pieces. A pawn would ceize to function if they realized their purpose, and he would be a pawn no more. From now on he would choose his own path, he was the Angel of free will after all.

He could hardly contain his amusement as the various ways in which the scenarios of all those brooding and calculating old men could be thrown into disarray. His smile dropped a little as he realized he would have to go. There was a meeting between the Commander of NERV and the old men of SEELE to attend. He took a final look at the girl and started for the door. Sleep well First Child. I'm sure Shinji will visit you soon.

---

The holographic conferenceroom Commander Ikari sat in was dark. Only the desk he sat behind, lit by a single spotlight, and the faintly glowing black pillars representing the members of SEELE provided any light to illuminate the room.

All the pillars boomed in unison as the committee spoke as one. "We cannot retrieve it?!" Gendo Ikari didn't speak, knowing they were not done. "The Spear of Longinus… gone? Why did you use it now?" One of the large pillars spoke, marked only 'SEELE 01' in red letters.

"We have yet to complete the EVA series!" Pillar 05 spoke up.

"Our priority was to destroy the Angel. One pilot was incapacitated already, and the other ineffective. I saw little choice under the circumstances." Gendo replied calmly.

Again all the tomes replied in unison. "Little choice?!" A moment of silence before the 6th pillar followed up. "You should be more convincing in your excuses, Ikari! You have gone too far in your actions." The voice roared through the room. Any man, other than Gendo Ikari, would have trembled under it's intensity. He remained calm however, and sighed.

He got up from his seat, using both hands to push himself up. "My excuse is necessity. We cannot recover it, and that is the end of this matter. I see no use in further discussion." He turned and walked towards the exit. "Good day to you all."

"IKARI!" The pillars boomed in unison once again, stopping the Commander of NERV in his tracks as he waited calmly, looking back only from the corner of his eyes.

The first member of SEELE spoke for the group this time. "If you continue to carry out the plan at your own discretion you shall have no seat among us."

He stepped forward as the door providing exit to the room slid open, bathing him in the light from outside. Silhouetted against the dark backdrop of the conference room he replied as he continued on towards the exit. "I will keep that in mind." With that, Ikari left the room, not giving the committee another glance.

Silence reigned in the room for a moment after the commander of NERV had left before Keel Lorenz, the speaker behind pillar 01 spoke up. "He is willing to risk it. Ikari... does he betray us even now?"

The other members of the committee remained silent. "This would not have occured had you performed you duty. Why do we learn this from him and not from you? … Tabris."

A spotlight sprang to life illuminating Kaworu Nagisa sitting silently in the back of the room. The silver haired boy stayed silent as he sat hunched over with folded hands, unimpressed by the committee.

"Did you hear me, Tabris?"

"Yes…" The boy finally spoke up as he unfolded his hands and rested them on his knees. "What would you have rather had me do… intervene? It would've been easy, but…" He paused for a second as he relaxed further, sat back in the folding chair and slid his hands into his pockets. "...don't you think it would have been awkward? Suddenly he began speaking of using the Spear. What could I have done?"

He waited a few moments, then took the silence as his que to continue. "Besides, is it a good idea for me to keep coming here? I have been accepted as the Fifth Child, though I have yet to be assigned to an Evangelion. It seems they are waiting to see what has become of the First Child after her... encounter... with Arael."

"We are aware of that. Don't be remiss in communicating their status. If Ikari should do anything improper..."

"Yes, yes…" It was silent in the dark room for a moment, until the young boy decided to speak up again. "Monitoring the Third has been most interesting. Humans are quite peculiar when it comes to the people around them. He worries over the well being of everyone around him, he gets angry for the sake of people around him. Truly fascinating."

"Humans are like that. Once the scenario is complete, it is that from which we shall all be free." The room fell into darkness as the committee left, leaving only Kaworu.

---

Maya sat at her console going over the data from the battle with the Angel of the previous day. The day before had been too frantic to analyse the information properly with all that had happened, the retrieval of the pilots and damage assessment on the Evas top priority. Yet it was an important job to collect any relevant datapoints in order to study the Angels and their abilities, to find anything useful that might help in future engagements.

According to the declassified segments of the Dead Sea Scrolls she had been briefed on there were two more Angels to go. If the current trend was to continue, they would have their work cut out for them. Each battle had been more and more difficult, desparate even. Their strenght and abilities were growing increasingly stronger, and the time in between appearances shorter and shorter.

It was a reality she had some difficulty to deal with. She was pretty stress resilient, the fact that she was still capable and performing a testament to that, but the pain and pressure the children were put through was taking a toll on her as well. She had a hard time sleeping that night, sensitive as she was to the pain and plight of others. Some might call her naive, but she took some pride in her nature, even if it meant emotional pain and sleepless nights. Compassion was a virtue in her mind.

She had decided to come in early to focus her mind on something else, to forget about all the pain and suffering. The early morning routine was usually filled with somewhat tedious tasks but it helped her clear her mind. Some light work to get the day started and to put things in perspective. As bad as things could get, there was some solace in the idea that life went on regardless. She was grateful for that at least. It made things feel normal compared to the fear and, sometimes, outright panicked engagements with the powerful invaders.

When she was done with the regular work she initialized the MAGI's databanks to process and consolidate the data from the day before into a readable format. While that process ran she would have a couple of minutes to get a cup of coffee. As she walked about the bridge she could see the staff trickle in as the day got started. Slowly NERV HQ started coming alive, the technicians, and bridge crew coming in for work like every other day.

She retrieved a cup of the bitter brown stimulant and returned to her post. When she came back to her console she found the report ready for analysis, and Makoto sitting at his console next to her. They exchanged the usual morning greetings and went about their business in silence. Makoto wasn't much of a morning person and generally enjoyed working in silence for the first hour. She had no problems with that, she wasn't much for idle chit-chat either.

She brought op the analysis on her terminal and went over the data, sipping on her coffee every now and then as she marked any relevant or interesting sequences in the synchrograph. The more she stared at the graphs the more she felt like she had seen the patterns before.

The data from Rei's synchronisation during the battle had significant peaks corresponding with increases in plug depth, nothing special in and of itself, but at points Rei's synchro score increased sharply, crossed into dangerous levels in fact. According to the chart before her the rise and fall was so fast that one had to only look away for but a moment to miss them.

During the periodic synchronisation tests they would keep a much closer eye on the development of the synchrograph data, but during battle there was so much going on that it was sometimes lost in the cacaphony of orders and chaotic developments in the situation.

Tapping in a few command she brought up the files from Shinji's engagement with Zeruel and his subsequent absorption into Unit-01.

She combined the charts from Shinji with Rei's, letting them overlap. When Shinji's Eva had reactivated after the battery had run dry a spike had occured which flattened out somewhat, then risen again as the Eva went berserk. Rei's chart showed the same spike once the Angel initiated contact.

There was an echo in the signal that was always there, they were aware of that. It had to do with the connection between the pilot and the Eva's core, it was necessary for synchronisation to occur in fact, but it usually sat low on the charts, like a whisper in the signal. With increased plug depth, the signal would begin to converge with that of the pilot's.

What was unusual about it was that while Shinji had crossed over the Ego Borderline leading to the loss of his material body, Rei had crossed over the border and remained as she was. It had been but for a moment. At that point the defeat of the Angel by Shinji was about to occur, yet it was still longer than Shinji's. Then, as strong as the connection had apparently been, once the Angel was destroyed the graph flatlined and synchronisation abruptly ceased.

It could have been due to the Angel's interference of course, but its' was registering as a completely different signal within the data. Was it contacting the pilot and whatever was held within the core of Eva? And for what purpose? Was there even a purpose to it?

Maya leaned back in her seat, at a loss of how to explain the data before her. She would have to inform her mentor about this and see what she thought. She was sure the brilliant doctor would be able to more properly interpret the charts than her.

---

Misato sat hunched over the last piece of paperwork she had to go through. Over the course of the past week the pile of important documents to read, process and sign had slowly stacked up. She had worked all night to get the backlog done, the nasty habit of procrastinating on one of the most boring parts of her job always seemed to lead to moments like this. As always she had had to pull an all-nighter to get the tedious work done.

Sleep deprived as she was, she sat with a pen held loosely between her fingers. Her cheek was resting on the palm of the same hand, propping up her head as her elbow rested on the desk keeping herself upright. She fought the exhaustion that was now slowly getting the best of her. She had read the same paragraph three times over, the words fuzzy and jumbled in her mind, reading but not comprehending.

Her vision blurred and her eyelids sagged closed. The pencil slowly slid from her fingers and her face from her hand. The clatter of the pencil on the floor and the sudden slump forward jerked her from her sleep as she inhaled sharply. A snore cut short from the movement escaped from her mouth. Her body and mind came back online into the world of the living as she sat upright.

Shit... I'm starting to lose it here. She thought as she wiped a small tricle of saliva from the corner of her mouth. She imagined what any onlookers might've thought about her current state had they walked into her office. That would've been embarassing.

She looked at the report on her desk, leaning down and to the side to pick up the fallen pencil from the ground. Her hand grasped at nothing a few times before she finally found the tool and brought it back up. She yawned as she wiped her left eye with the back of her index finger and stifled a quick follow up yawn as she took the cup of coffee from the corner of her desk as she started reading the document before her. She skipped over the words and mumbled to herself as she read half out loud, half in thought.

Kaworu Nagisa... Fifth Child... ...to be accepted as the backup for the First Child... blablabla... ...after encounter with the 10th Angel... No sign of contamination during first medical examination... blabla... possibly mentally unstable. Synchronisation test to be performed as soon as possible... blabla... determine Pilot Ayanami's condition and capabilities.

She leaned back in her seat bringing the cup close to her lips to take a sip only to stop as she remembered the preceeding day's events. From what she could tell of the footage from the Plug's internal video feed the blue haired girl had been highly distressed and in mental pain. She was currently being kept in the NERV hospital ward. Although physically unharmed from the encounter the effects were undeniable. It was no wonder. If the unbridled power that the Angels had shown until now in terms of pure destructive potential was any indication who knew what it had exposed the girl to in the assault on her mind.

It felt a little strange for Misato to think in these terms of Rei. She had never been an overly emotional or expressive girl, quite the contrary. She always seemed quite resilient and able to take anything and willing to follow any order, but the way she had looked in the cockpit and afterwards during the examination did not bode well. As Shinji had said on the ride home the day before, there was something wrong with the girl, even if she was conscious and responsive.

A second medical examination was to take place today, and tomorrow they would schedule a synchronisation test to determine the actual damage to the girl's capacity as a pilot. A day's rest was probably a good idea before throwing her in a plug again. The synchronisation tests weren't particularly taxing on the kids, but the pilots and crew were all in need of a rest. Shinji would probably want to see the blue-haired girl today, and she herself needed some sleep after this long day and night.

The cup of coffee hovered just in front of her mouth as she continued her train of thought. She wasn't particularly close to the stoic girl, but she felt a bit sorry for her. It seemed she had come out of her shell quite a bit with Shinji's encouragement, and now this happened to her. It was cruel and unusual punishment that faith had bestowed upon her. Then again, it was tragically in line with everything else going on at NERV these days. The Angels were becoming more and more powerful and the battles more and more desperate. The death of Shinji's friend Suzuhara, Shinji's absorption into Unit-01, Asuka's slowly deteriorating mental state and synchronisation results and now this.

Asuka was to be released as well today. There was no mental contamination and there had been no contact with the Angel as far as they could tell. She had tried her best in the battle but Misato could tell that she was suffering. The girl was quite dependent on battlefield results and victories for her overall mood, and Shinji's usually prevailing in the end over the Angels was definately taking a toll on the redhead's self-esteem. And now Shinji was even overtaking Asuka in terms of synchro-scores leaving her lagging behind and close to Rei.

The situation at home had been exhausting and deteriorating over the last months. Instead of bringing the two together as she'd hoped living under the same roof would result in, especially Asuka had become more and more combative. Shinji had gained some self-awareness and had started to take more initiative, but this wasn't supposed to be just for his sake.

She ruminated a little on the precarious situation that she found herself and her adopted kids in. Did I do well to take them in? I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job at any of this... yet... I can't find myself living without them anymore. Thinking back... I think taking them in was as much for myself as it was for them. There's just so much going on now that I feel like I can't give them my full attention anymore.

Everything felt like it was slowly spiraling out of control as they were getting closer to the end. Then there were all the secrets that were slowly being revealed to her. The giant deep underground NERV HQ, the lie of Third Impact... even the new pilot Kaworu Nagisa. What she had read in the transfer document earlier this week had raised more questions.

She brought the cup to her lips and tilted it to take a sip only to stop again when something struck her. The similarity... That boy and Rei. She had never really inquired into Rei's past. The documents that were available were as cryptic and incomplete as the young boy's, she just never really thought any more of it until now. Ritsuko will know more. I'll have to ask her about her thoughts on this.

The thought of Ritsuko gave her pause for a moment. She wasn't too sure about the blonde doctor anymore. Their relationship had become increasingly distant. They were still on friendly terms but her manner had grown cold, evasive and sometimes even downright secretive.

What do I expect her to tell me? She's pretty close to the Commander, often in meetings with him and the Sub-Commander. She's probably entrusted with a lot of information I'm not privy to. The woman would probably not tell her anything above her security clearance, she was pretty certain of that. And even if she told me anything... would I trust it to be the truth? Surely she must know more about Adam and why it's being kept in the LCL plant... She kept up the same lie as the Commander did.

She brought the cup in her hand slowly back to the desk as she rested it on the edge desk. All this subterfuge... all this smoke and mirrors. Her heart sank along with her mood as she remembered the fun times she had had with Kaji and Ritsuko in college juxtaposed with the current situation. Kaji's... gone now... And I wonder... I can't help wondering if she knew.

She sat in silence for a while as her mind drifted to the unshaven man that had once again stolen her heart away from her in the past months. She had yet to go through all the information he had given her before his death. He wanted to know the truth as much as I did... and he gave everything to me when he knew the game was up. She swallowed hard to get rid of the lump in her throat and breathed slowly to stop her emotions from taking over. That fool...

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to regain her composure, finally drawing the coffee cup that had been sitting in her hand all this time to her mouth as she threw it backwards and swallowed the contents in one gulp. Ugh! Yuck! The dark brown brew went down her gullet as she twisted and shivered in disgust as it was now quite cold. She dropped the cup on her desk as if it stung her hand. Disgusting!

She wiped at her mouth as she signed the document and tossed the pencil on her desk, grabbed the official NERV stamp and marked the document as read and understood. She sat back and sighed in a relieved satisfaction as she finally finished the paperwork. She stretched her arms above her head as she looked at the digital clock indicating 11:42.

She pushed her chair back and rose to her feet. A final stretch before she walked towards the exit of her small office.

---

Kaworu swayed his legs playfully in the air as they dangled over the walkway's edge, his arms around one of the supports for the siderail as he leaned into it with his shoulder and peered at the war machine's one cycloptic eye.

Lilin, always looking to influence their circumstances. The old men, Commander Ikari. Always plotting... brooding. His smile never wavered as he looked at the behemoth and scanned for it's occupying soul. That's why they created you. A testament to human ingenuity... and arrogance. He thought, both speaking of the biomachanical machine and what was being held prisoner in its' core. They don't care if they play god if it suits their needs even if they have been burnt once already. His smile widened as he spotted what he was looking for.

The Eva stayed motionless, though the shard of consciousness inside stirred as the red-eyed boy prodded it with his mind. The old men may have plans, they may think they own me... but nothing is set in stone. I am no one's puppet. I am not one to be bossed around. In the end I will make my own choice... He grasped at the presence gently, pulling it out of hiding. And neither should you be. There's no need to hide from me you know.

I'm far more interested in finding out about human nature than furthering anyone else's agenda. I'm having far too much fun finding out what you're all about. He sighed a contented sigh as he tilted his head slightly in wonder. Hello there... I've already met your other half. She was in a bad way. He pouted a little as, in his mind's eye, he reached out and held the occupying soul in cupped hands. His thumbs stroked it playfully as if it were his pet. But we can change that.

"Uhm... hey there."

Kaworu was pulled from his internal reverie by a female voice. He opened his eyes and dropped his smile before turning to view the purple haired woman towering over him from his sitting position on the gantry. He had been so lost in his train of thought that he was caught a little by surprise.

"Oh hello... You are Major Katsuragi, right? I saw you yesterday on the bridge during the battle." His smile returned as he pulled his legs back up and stood up, using the railing for support. With both hands he wiped his hair back from his eyes and turned fully towards the Major.

"Yes, and you must be mister Nagisa."

"That's me. Kaworu Nagisa. Pleased to meet you Major Katsuragi."

"What were you doing here mister Nagisa?"

"Please just call me Kaworu..." He said as he turned towards the blue mecha sitting silently in the cage they were overlooking from the gantry. "I was just admiring the machine. It looks like it came out of the battle unscathed."

"No physical damage, no... The pilot wasn't so lucky."

"Ah yes. I saw her only for a moment..." The young boy lied effortlessly. "But she looked quite hurt."

Nothing in the boy's tone of voice showed any real concern. Misato's eyes narrowed only slightly as she caught herself and replied. "Indeed..."

An uncomfortable silence fell between the two. Misato didn't trust the boy one bit. There was something off about the careless nature of his air. Surely, being called upon to pilot the giant behemoths would be intimidating to the uninitiated. Sure, Asuka and Rei were used to it, long since part of the Project-E, but someone so new should appear more apprehensive about it.

There was something in his look that sent shivers down her spine, and she felt like breaking off the conversation to get away from the boy. "Well. It's good that you're familiarizing yourself with HQ and the Evas. Make sure you're on time tomorrow for the synchronisation test. I've got to go..."

"Ok. I'm sure we'll see eachother tomorrow." The boy waved, then stuck his hands in his pocket, whistling 'An ode to joy' as he walked off in the other direction.

---

Shinji sat on a simple folding chair by Rei's bedside. The girl was asleep at the moment which had actually comforted him slightly at first. That comfort was replaced by a sense of shame as he found himself unable to figure out what actually to say to the girl had she been awake. For now being here was enough, he figured. And so he sat in silence, waiting for the girl to wake up.

She stirred in her sleep quite a bit he found, which filled him with some worry of the state she was in. The mumbling emanating from her had not been coherent, but the stress it was conveying did not bode well. It was a state he had never seen the girl in. Not that he had ever been in a position to see her sleep but he couldn't imagine this being the girl's usual mode.

She gasped and her face contorted in a whince as a soft and short cry emanated from her lips. His heart sank at the thought that the girl that was usually a comforting presense to him and a silent beacon of strenght was now so vulnerable. The blue-eyed boy felt a little uncomfortable to see her in a state like this. She was usually so solitary, reserved and quiet that it made him feel like a peeping tom to be present in this moment of weakness. Pushing the uneasy feeling aside he laid his hand over hers and began softly speaking to her in an effort to calm her.

"Ayanami... it's just a dream. You're just having a bad dream, that's all..." He stopped himself. He was about to say that she would wake up and it would all be OK again, but he knew that may be wishful thinking.

"I'm... glad I can see you again. I don't know what I would've done without you or Asuka." He laughed a little despite himself, more from stress than actual amusement. "I mean... who would berate me and put me down? And who would get me back up on my feet again?" His smile stayed as the girl seemed to calm down visibly as he spoke.

He gently took a hold of the hand below his and squeezed it slightly. "Just wake up OK? Whatever it is you're going through... I'm here to help you like you always help me." He kept silent as the girl before him slept, breathing slowly in and out, her chest rising and falling visibly in a steady rhythm underneath the bedsheets. He didn't want to wake the girl now that she seemed to have steadied in her sleep.

He sat watching her for a while before the girl stirred again, this time to awaken from her slumber. She rolled her head to the side to regard him as her eyes opened slightly. There was a hidden pain inside that was immediatly apparent to Shinji. It was a pain he was all too familiar with but that he had never seen in her eyes before. The pain of a burdened existence simmering in one's core, and seeing it inside the girl made his heart sink even lower that it already had. Once again, he found himself unable to speak.

She looks so tired and weary... I wonder how she's feeling. They held an uneasy gaze for a while that Shinji broke in the end by looking down bashfully, his cheeks slightly red for having kept up the eye contact for so long. He spoke in a quiet voice, pushing past the nervousness he felt and looked back up to meet her eyes. "Are you OK? You look tired..." His blush deepened as he immediatly regretted saying anything. Idiot! Don't insult her.

If she took any offense she didn't outwardly show it as she replied truthfully, though looking away with a hint of shame hidden in her crimson eyes. "I... I have dreams." The way she said it was a bit unnatural if one had been paying attention, like the fact that she was having dreams at all was unusual to her. Shinji failed to notice though as she returned her gaze to him. The concerned look he was giving her made her slightly uncomfortable, but was strangely reasuring at the same time. He cannot help but show concern. The thought made her heart hurt and she looked away from the boy immediatly as a small blush formed on her own cheeks.

The boy swallowed visibly, relieved that she didn't seem taken aback. "Oh... well... w-what about, Ayanami?" He surpressed another internal self-scolding, his face still red from asking such personal questions.

"It does not matter."

"M-maybe talking about them helps you understand?" He was being awkwardly forward. The look she gave was almost pleading him to stop talking, but he was unable to stop himself. "My... teacher once told me dreams can tell you things about your unconscious. About fears and feeli-..." He stopped himself, wincing internally as the girl broke eye-contact. He only barely detected the shameful look she had as she looked away. Was he pushing the girl too much? He took her silence as a sign to stop his inquiry.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... ah..."

The two remained silent for a while as Rei turned her gaze to the ceiling. Finally Shinji spoke. "I'm... I'm just glad you're alive Ayanami." She closed her eyes at his words, frowning in a slightly painful manner. She knew the boy was trying to help, but he was stirring a sense of fear and unease in her that she had been trying to supress ever since she woke up. She didn't feel capable of accepting his kindness, undeserving of her wish to be closer to the boy as she had pursued until the events of the day prior.

"Perhaps... perhaps you shouldn't be." Her voice was quiet and sullen as she kept her gaze focussed on the ceiling. His jaw dropped as he exhaled in shock audibly. "D-don't say that!" She felt the need to push the boy away. The dreams and memories a painful reminder of everything that she was, and everything that she believed she shouldn't have.

"I am not worth saving. I am a puppet. I am worthless... even if you don't think so." The girl said it with a complete lack of tone in her voice. All emotion drained from her face and her eyes dull, it was like she had regressed back to her old self like she was when they had just met. The boy was taken aback by the girl's sudden self-criticism. It was so unlike her that he could hardly believe what he was hearing. "Ayanami stop... W-what's making you say this?"

"No. You do not know enough about me for it to be warranted." She was looking for ways to rationalize pushing the boy away from her. It is better if he doesn't care about me. I have no right...

Shinji was stunned, he leaned forward as he gripped her hand a little tighter, still holding on to her as he spoke. "I... I don't know about you? What is there to know?!" He pulled her hand a little closer to him as he shifted to the edge of his seat.

"You would hate me if you knew..." Her heart hurt as the words left her mouth, but she couldn't stop herself from regressing further into herself. Her eyes averted away from his, and to the hand holding onto hers. She wanted to withdraw from his touch and from his gaze and his attempts to close the distance between them that was now palpably in the air, but she didn't pull away.

"W-what are you talking about, Ayanami? Why are you being like this? I'm sure I wouldn't hate you..." He brought up his other hand as he laid it upon her wrist, next to the other, as if trying to prevent her from slipping away from him. He wasn't thinking about the physical closeness like he would usually, simply too shocked to believe what was happening, as if trying to hold on the the girl that was self-erasing in front of him. She was running from his attempts at consolation and friendship.

"Don't assume such things..."

"Ayanami... you're scaring me." The words and the look in the boy's eyes hurt. She rejected him even as he tried to hold on and reassure her. The grasp of his hands on hers was firm but gentle but the need to pull away became too strong. Finally she pulled her hand from his grasp, the soft grip he held easily broken. She rolled over with her back to the young boy. He gasped.

If I were to end it... I would not remember this. I do not wish to remember.

Shinji's voice dropped to a whisper, desperation and hurt evident in his tone. "Why are you being like this? I thought you and I... I thought..." She interrupted him before he could continue, whispering as she did and not turning to face him. "You shouldn't want to be closer to me. I will hurt you in the end..."

"...Don't... don't push me away. Don't push me away like Asuka does..."

She didn't answer him as she curled herself up further into a ball, her legs coming up to her chest.

"Ayanami... stop please. Don't you remember wh-... remember when we held hands in the park? I know you do... we've never been as close. I have never felt that close to you... a-a-and I know you felt the same!" He stuttered. "Don't push me away now, please..."

"Just... forget about me." She whispered as she closed her eyes and burried her face in the pillow below her head, tears springing up in her eyes as he pleaded once more.

He rose from his seat suddenly, the folding chair falling over by the force as he did. "Don't do this! Don't leave me alone..." He felt the urge to grab the girl by her shoulder and force her to face him but he couldn't. I can't believe she's saying these things. I don't believe she means it...

Before he could speak the door to the room opened and doctor Akagi walked in. She looked at the boy standing over the girl's bed, his face filled with despair, and the girl on the bed with her back towards him. A look of confusion mixed with a suspicious curiosity crossed her face as she stepped further into the room. "Is everything OK in here?"

Neither of the children answered, both remaining as they were. She walked further into the room and dismissed the scene. She didn't have time for this, even though it was curious. "Well nevermind. It's time for Rei's medical examination. Rei, get out of bed, you'll have to get ready for the fMRI scan. Afterwards you can go home. Shinji, get out of the room please."

She looked as the boy turned away from the bed and walked away, arms stretched downwards, hands clenched into tight fists and his face downward. "You can wait in the hallway if you want but this may take a while..." She looked back between the girl that was now moving to get out of the bed as she swung her legs over the edge, faced away from her, and the boy that was now exiting the room. Ritsuko's eyes narrowed as the girl sat for a moment, wiping at her eyes with her forearm.

A sense of irritation filled her as she looked at the still form of the girl, still sitting with her back towards her, both hands at her sides gripping the matrass. She pursed her lips and a small *tisk* left her mouth before she spoke, the words sharp and unsympathetic. "Get up. I don't have time for this."

Outside, Shinji sat down on the small bench across from the room he just left. He was in a downtrodden mood. He had no idea how it had come to this, and what happened between him and Rei just now. She had tried to push him away completely and left him wondering what he had done wrong. Even still he felt determined to continue to approach the depressed girl. He wouldn't let her push him away like this, try as she might. Even still, her words had hurt.

The door to the room opened and the doctor stepped out followed closely by Rei. Neither acknowledged him as he stood. They simply started down the corridor away from him. Slowly he sat down again and put his head in his hands. I mustn't run away...

He sat in silence for a long time with his eyes closed, head still in his hands, his fingers raking through his hair. He wasn't sure if he should wait for her or if he should just leave. Maybe he had pushed her too much today, but he didn't want to leave her all by herself. Not like this.

He didn't notice the redhead as she came out of the room she had spent the night in. Only when she stepped up right in front of him did he look up to meet her eyes. "Oh... Asuka. Have you been released?"

She completely ignored the boy's question as she looked down on him as she stood before him. "Great... just who I wanted to see." She said, hands in her sides, sarcasm dripping from her words.

The boy picked up the girl's scorn and apologized reflexively. "I'm sorry Asuka... I'm sorry I couldn't help you two sooner yesterd-..."

The girl cut him off immediatly. "For god's sake, you're the worst... Always apologizing, even now. You saved the day didn't you, idiot?"

"I'm sorry..."

She ignored the apology this time. "The great Shinji saves the day once again. We spend half an hour on the battlefield and Shinji comes in and takes care of everything in five minutes!" Her eyes burned with intensity as she stared down at the sitting boy.

He kept his head held low, away from the angry look directed at him, only barely swallowing another apology. He didn't know what to say anymore. Apologizing didn't help, and he sure wasn't about to uncharacteristically gloat over his so called victory over the Angel. Nothing good had come of it anyway it seemed.

"It's too bad you couldn't help the Commander's pet in time... I saw her yesterday. She's not doing too well." Asuka said as she flicked her hair over her shoulder, a mix of anger and disdain written all over her face. "I guess even the mighty Shinji can't be everywhere at once... Too bad that it's other people that suffer because of it." That hurt. Shinji looked away entirely now in response, his hands clenching at his sides.

Anger was brewing up in his core. He didn't ask for any of this. If it had been up to him he'd have been out there with them. He would've traded places with the blue-haired girl if he could have. He would've taken point if it had meant that both Asuka and Rei were safe.

He couldn't take the scolding anymore, anger boiling up inside him he sprung up from the bench making Asuka take a suprised step backwards. "What would you have me do?! What was I supposed to have done?! I was on stand down orders!" He yelled, hands still clenched shut tightly at his side.

A part of Asuka felt elated that the boy finally stood up for himself, but the need to push him further overrode any sense of respect she felt for the boy as she retorted. "You'll do anything to please daddy won't you?! Why don't you grow a pair and start living for something else then everyone else's praise?!"

"I don't do this because I like piloting Eva, alright?! I'm not like you! I'm doing my best and still everything goes to shit!" The red-faced boy yelled straight into her face. "I tried standing up to him after Toji died, and it brought me nothing! He used my hands to kill my best friend! And then even when I had walked away and told myself I would never pilot again, I still had to come back because there was no one else that could!"

The girl backpedalled slightly as he continued. "That's right! I had to defeat the Angel because all else failed... because you failed! And now you failed again!"

Any respect she felt for the boy deep down dissapeared as he challenged her directly, his words cutting deep into her self esteem. All the doubt and pain she felt the night before returned with a fervor. Tears sprang into her eyes as she slapped him in the face hard. It didn't stop him. He pushed her back with both hands, sending her staggering back against the wall behind her, tears in his eyes as he ranted on. "I know Eva means everything to you, but to me it means nothing if I can't save the ones I love!"

She jumped at him as she grabbed him by the collar. "Shut up! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She yelled as she jerked him around, spittle flying from her mouth. Shinji grabbed her by the shoulders in return as they tussled with eachother in the corridor. She took the boy by the wrists and wrenched his hands loose from their grip on her. With a hard push she slammed the boy back into the wall, sending him sprawling over the bench he sat on just before.

"I hate you and that stupid doll!" She started backing up into the hallway, her face contorted with anger and pain. Finally she yelled at the top of her lungs. "I hate all of you!" The furious redhead turned and ran off, passing some of the hospital staff that had come out to see what all the noise was about.

Shinji got up from his awkward position on the floor where Asuka had just pushed him, laying in between the wall and the bench. He wiped at his eyes as he regained his footing and sped off in the opposite direction of the redhead.

---

The blonde doctor had been examining her for a while now. As always Rei went through the motions without complaint. Neither talked to eachother as always, but the distrust between the two hung thick in the air as it had the day prior. Rei's eyes followed the doctor as she moved about, a slight sense of fear and unease running through her.

Finally the doctor broke the silence. "Are you experiencing any physical pain since the Angel attack?"

She replied simply and truthfully. "No ma'am."

"Any other complaints? Anything that you feel the need to tell me before we start the fMRI scan?"

There was a slight pause. There were many things she may have told the older women if it had been three months prior, but she felt no need to share her innermost thoughts and feelings she was experiencing. "...No ma'am."

Ritsuko looked at the girl incredulously. It was an obvious lie. "Are you sure?" The same pause again. Ritsuko's eyes narrowed at the girl. She's hiding something. It's plain for all to see that there's something going on below the surface. She snorted internally at the gir's naivity.

"...Yes ma'am." Rei could feel that the doctor didn't believe her, but there was no way that she could trust her. Not since the last medical examination, and definately not since the revelations brought to her during the Angel's mindrape.

Ritsuko took her by the arm a little roughly as she pulled her from the stool she was sat on. She pushed the girl out before her towards the large MRI machine in the center of the room. "Ok Rei, just lay down and stay still. You know the drill, we've done this before. It will take about an hour and then you can go." The blonde smiled a fake smile as the girl sat down and looked at her.

"Yes ma'am."

She laid down on the gurney and held still as she was told. Ritsuko pushed a button and the bed slowly pulled into the MRI scanner. The room was uncomfortably cold in the hospital gown Rei was wearing but she tried to keep still nonetheless. She felt uneasy in the cramped space inside the machine, and with nothing to do her she could already notice her thoughts started running wild.

"This is going to take a while so I'm going to get a cup of coffee. You just stay here and stay still." Without waiting for a response the doctor left the room. It was a calculated step. Leaving the girl alone to her thoughts would allow the brain-activity scan to pick up what was going on the the blue-haired girl's mind without being distracted. That, and she had no desire to keep the girl company.

The machine's humming picked up in intensity as the magnets inside it did their work. Rei lay in the core of the machine as it scanned the activity within the grey matter in her head. She kept her eyes closed, doing her best to remain still and quiet her thoughts. The gentle hum of the machine reminded her of the synaptic like buzzing one could hear inside the entry-plug. It reminded her of the moment the Angel broke through the gentle buzz and invaded her mind. She grabbed on to the sides of the gurney as her thoughts once again spiraled out of control.

Outside, Ritsuko's step had a slight spring to it as she walked through the NERV hallway towards the cafeteria. Leaving the girl by herself gave her a perverse sense of satisfaction. Although the blue-haired clone had been put through similar examinations before, she was sure she didn't know the intricacies of the process. There was no need to hold still for the full hour. The MRI machine would run a number of scans that would be interrupted as it reconfigured and reinitialized. Normally someone would stay present to inform the patient of this. Normally.

That puppet will dutifully undergo the tedious process. She thought as a smirk formed on her lips. A little bit of torture goes a long way to improve my mood. A blush crossed her features at the shameful admission. She stopped for a moment to wipe the smirk from her face and the somewhat uncomfortable pleasure she took from the situation. She straightened out her skirt and moved on.

She walked into the cafeteria and was met by the scent of freshly brewed coffee and cigarettes. The smell itself already gave her an energy boost and only helped to increase her need for a cup of the hot brown stimulant and a dose of nicotine. She grasped the pack of cigarettes sitting in her labcoat's pocket through the fabric unconsciously.

She walked up to the coffee machine and found Misato standing at the other end of the room. "Oh hey Misato, taking a break as well huh?" She said, feigning innocence as she stuck her hand in her pocket to retrieve the carton of cigarettes it held.

"Hmm..." The woman hummed as she finished taking a sip from her coffee and swallowed the comfortably warm liquid. "Well... I felt I deserved it after spending all night here..." The woman said, then took another drink from the cup, holding it with both hands, clasping it like it was something very special to her.

"Forgot to do your paperwork again?" The blonde said mockingly as she pulled a cigarette from the pack before dropping it back into her pocket. "You haven't changed one bit since college. You never did turn in your papers on time." She laughed. The raven-haired women scoffed at the remark but said nothing else of it, simply taking another sip of the bitter drink.

There was moment of silence between the two women, which Ritsuko took to grab a paper cup from the dispenser next to the coffee machine, sticking the cigarette between her lips with the other. Misato looked at the blonde from the corner of her eyes. There was an odd satisfaction emanating from the woman, a slight tug at the corners of her mouth that contrasted the general atmosphere at NERV lately, especially since yesterday.

Misato dismissed the thought as she leaned against the cafeteria table, every now and then taking a moment to sip some coffee from the mug in her hand. The ticking clock in the background counted away the seconds as the silence reigned on for a while longer as she kept an eye on the doctor. After a moment she spoke up. "So, Ritsu… any idea what the consequences may be of Rei's contact with the Angel?"

Ritsuko lit the cigarette and then turned towards her friend. "Do you want my honest opinion? I think she's hiding something." She said not waiting for Misato to respond, interrupting herself to take a drag of her cigarette. "We all heard her through the command channel. And the images the cockpit camera showed more than enough for me to believe she's not OK." She said, no compassion in her voice.

"Yeah... I guess." Misato replied, sensing there was something off about the woman standing over the coffee machine, watching her pour a packet of artificial sweetener in her coffee and turn towards her.

Ritsuko's face pulled into a frown as she regarded her. "You look awful Misato." She was rewarded with a foul look for that comment. "That's not helping." Ritsuko said, laughing slightly. "Go home and get some sleep. There's nothing too important going on today, unless you're not finished with your paperwork." Misato didn't respond.

A moment of silence reigned between the two before the doctor decided to break it. "Anyway, I've scheduled a synchronisation test for tomorrow, so we'll get a first hand look. Oh, and we'll have to test the Fifth Child. Let's hope he's up to the job." Ritsuko said before taking another drag of her cigarette.

Misato sighed, not knowing what to say. She had questions about the boy, but she somehow doubted Ritsuko would tell her anything. There was something off about the woman, and she opted to switch to light conversation to lift the mood. After a few moments she spoke up. "You should stop smoking, you know. It's a bad habit, and you'll never pick up any guys stinking of smoke."

"You're one to talk… you drink like you're still in college. Besides… I thought you smoked." Ritsuko retorted, taking a long, almost exaggerated drag of her cigarette afterwards.

Misato's face lit up, bright red. "Hey, it's just a way to relieve some stress after a hard day of work!" She crossed her arms defiantly. "And I haven't smoked in years Ritsu… but thanks for noticing."

"My pleasure." Ritsuko replied sarcastically. Misato stuck her tongue out at her friend in reply.

"But seriously..." Ritsuko pressed out the half finished cigarette in the ashtray sitting on the table beside her as she blew out the contents of her lungs up towards the ceiling through compressed lips. "Go home Misato. Get some sleep."

The dark-haired women sighed tiredly. "Yeah..." She downed the last bit of coffee from the mug and started for the door, putting the empty container in the sink as she passed it. Just before she was about to exit the room, then turned and adressed the doctor. "Oh I almost forgot. Maya said she wanted to talk to you this morning... something about Rei's synchronisation data from yesterday. She said she wanted to discuss it with you."

"Alright, thanks for letting me know. I'll run by her after Rei's scan is over."

"Oh, Rei's getting examined today? What time?"

"She's in the examination room right now. The MRI is running as we speak... should be done in about 20 minutes." Ritsuko said matter-of-factly.

Misato was a bit shocked by this. An angry frown formed on her face. "Wait... and you left her alone in there?" She couldn't believe she would just leave the damaged girl on her own. "Isn't that kinda careless, Ritsu?"

"Oh come on... she's been through a ton of examinations already. Even before yesterday. She's used to being a lab rat anyway."

The raven-haired woman raised her eyes in suprise at the remark. "That's harsh, Ritsu... even for you. What if she gets scared? Who knows what she's going through right now."

An annoyed look crossed the woman's face as she put her hand to her side, the other bringing the cup to her mouth as she spoke from behind it with a blank stare. "Is that your professional opinion as a doctor, Misa? What, are you her therapist now?"

"Fuck you... no need to be a bitch about this."

"Go home, already."

Misato contempleted what to do for a moment. "No... I'll take her home after the examination. I'm going to her now to keep her company." With that she walked out the door not waiting for the doctor to protest.

She walked quickly through the hallway and entered the examination room. The MRI machine was buzzing loudly as she walked in. She could only see the girl's feet sticking out of the giant machine. Her legs seemed to shake slightly, stress apparent even in the limited view she had of the girl. Her feet were clenched up and a soft whimpering could be heard only barely over the loud machine.

"Rei! I'm here! It's Misato! I'm here... so you're not alone OK?" The girl seemed to relax slightly at her call. Misato was half contemplating pulling the girl out of the machine, but that would undoubtedly lead to her receiving a scolding from the doctor. Besides, this had to be done, as painful as it was to just watch and stand by.

"U-understood." The soft voice came from within the bowels of the loud machine.

Misato walked closer to the machine so she didn't have to shout over it."I'll take you home once you're done Rei. Just a few more minutes."

There was no reply, but the girl seemed to have relaxed significantly. They remained silent as the process continued until it's end. Even as Ritsuko entered they remained quiet, only an exchange of angry glares occurred. The machine's scan drew down and the girl was released to go home. Slowly Misato led Rei out of the room, not giving the doctor a second look.

The walk to the car and drive passed in silence. Only until she drove up to the dreary appartement building did Misato finally speak, stopping the girl for a moment before she got out of the car. She had to say something.

"Rei... Shinji's worried about you, and so am I."

She didn't respond, keeping her eyes on the dashboard in front of her.

"Whatever happened yesterday... just know that if you need help..." She didn't finish as Rei finally looked at her, a somewhat expectant look on her face for but a moment. The look dropped but her red eyes remained unusually soft as she replied.

"I am fine."

Her voice didn't carry any weight and her tone was unsure. Misato's heart dropped a little at the uncharacteristic display. "Oh Rei..." She said softly as she reached out and gently touched the girl's cheek. Rei immediatly averted her eyes from the Major as she looked away and got out of the car.

Misato stared after the girl as she walked up towards the building. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. She felt like she should've stopped the girl, like she should have said something more. But what? What could she say to her. She was so quiet and reserved that it was hard to gauge what was going on inside of her. Yet the usual strenght and resolve the girl had was gone. That moment that flashed by for just a second told her more than a thousand words could have.

Sitting in silence for a while longer she tried to clear the uneasy feeling she was having. Finally she put the car in gear and drove off. "I'm useless..."

---

Rei finally reached her apartment door and opened it. It was unlocked as always. She exhaled loudly as she leaned back against the door, her hand over her heart, Misato's words echoeing in her mind. "Whatever happened yesterday..."

Do not dwell on it…

She remembered the painful meeting and conversation with Shinji in the NERV infirmary. It is better this way. She lied to herself dismissing the pain that she had caused both herself and the boy. She pushed away from the door and slowly tread further into her apartment.

The examination had been excrutiating. Not from the doctor's careless handling, but the time she had spent alone in that machine. She had felt like she was back in the entry plug again, like yesterday. Every painful memory and sensation the Angel had dug up had played before her mind's eye. The shocking dream she had, although fading in intensity compared to the Angel's violation, also fresh in her mind.

"I am but a tool..." She whispered to the empty room. An image of the Commander sitting beside her in the entry plug popped into her mind. "Rei, are you alright?!"

"The only thing in this world I have faith in is the Commander" The words were hers but now they felt hollow. She just stood silently, not allowing herself to think about it any further, not wanting to face the truth. He possessed her for all this time. He had made her to fit his purposes with the help of the doctor. The woman despised her, treated her with indifference... No... Indifference wouldn't warrent causing pain, even Rei understood. She treated her like something that was useless, worthless. Something you could toss around carelessly.

A few tears dropped from her eyes unnoticed as she just stood there, unmoving. Once again realizing how worthless she was to the people that she had trusted stung her heart with pain.

From the corner of her eye she spotted the glasses sitting silently on the dresser. She took a tentative step towards the small dresser standing by her apartment window. She picked up the Commander's glasses and took it firmly in her hands. He does not care.

Something wet pattered onto the broken piece in her hands, quickly followed by another pair of drops.

Is this me? Another tear welled up and slid down her cheek, her hand immediately touching the spot it trailed down moments ago. Her chin quivered as she tried to stop more tears from welling up. Am I the one who's crying?

More tears dropped onto the glasses as she twisted it, forcing the frame to bend further than it already had. What was once a token of a moment of care from someone for her, a cherished memory that had given her purpose, was now a reminder of the great lie that was her life. Anger swelled up in her for the betrayal of trust as she pressed down on the spectacles harder, her gut clenching at the emptiness she felt within her, her heart aching to be filled to relieve the loss she felt.

The glasses cracked, undone from the frame the sharp shards pushed into the palms of her hands and her fingers, drawing blood. It hurt yet comforted her somehow. To feel something else then emptiness in that moment. The small metal hinges holding the legs bent and came loose from the frame. Finally the piece broke in two at the bridge that connected the two now cracked and bloody lenses.

More tears mixed with the bloodstained piece of apparel as she regarded it for a moment as she let it lay loosely in her hands before she dropped it to the ground. Her hands shook as she cried, sobbing openly as she let her grief overtake her.

"I am... I am crying." She said softly as she looked at the drops pattering on the dirty floor. She turned to the small mirror hanging on the wall just beside her. "I'm the one who is crying..." The reflection in the mirror confirmed her realization. This feeling she had felt all day. That morning when she had pushed Shinji away. The tears had been trying to break out all day and she had only barely been able to keep them in. All day she had been fighting this feeling. Only now that she was alone did she finally allow the feeling to run it's course, she realized.

Her own image sickened her. She grasped the mirror and let it drop to the ground, it's edge bloodied by her wounded hand.

Unable to cope with the emotional pain that was overcoming her she shoved the medications and the glass beaker from the dresser in one fell swoop, leaving a crimson trail of blood on the surface. She kicked the wheeled dresser hard, her sobbing turning into a cry of agony. The dresser, sitting in the corner of the room, had nowhere to go and simply bounced back unfulfillingly. With two hands the woeful girl grasped the sides of the piece of furniture and threw it on it's side.

The anger was still there. It was something unlike she had ever felt before, and it had to be vented. She grabbed the curtain hanging by the window and pulled it with all her strenght. Part of it came loose from the railing from which it hung and tore down. Motes of dust flew into the air and reflected in the light of the setting sun outside, the curtains not having been moved for ages.

She dropped to her knees and covered her face with her bloodied hands. She was exhausted with these sensations. She couldn't stop them and she couldn't stop herself from crying. She couldn't stop the constant whirlwind of thoughts from running rampant through her mind.

She cried until she could cry no more, curled up into a ball on the cold ground until finally she was so exhausted that she passed out right there.

---

Shinji was on his way home, his mood had dropped even lower than he had started the day out with. Just when I think I'm beginning to understand what's going on in her head… He sighed. "I'll never be able to get any closer to her." He mumbled to himself.

Looking around for a moment he found that he was not too far from his school. I wonder how Kensuke and Hikari are doing. How am I ever going to face them after... His heart winced from the stab of pain induced by the memory of Toji. The picture of the smiling jock, basketball in hand flashed through his mind. How can I ever expect them to talk to me again after I let him die. He looked at the palms of his opened hands. How could they ever forgive me... It's my fault he died. He kicked a pebble against a dumpster as he whispered to himself. "Damn you father."

"Who are you talking to?" An all too familiar voice spoke from behind him, making him jump, not expecting someone to be listening to what he was saying, not expecting anyone to be around for that matter.

As he turned around he saw that boy again. Nagisa… what a creep. He thought, then said. "Oh… it's you. It's not polite to follow people around you know."

"I'm not following you. I just happened to meet you by chance." The boy said, as always with that smile on his lips. Noticing the frown on the brown-haired boy's face, his smile dropped somewhat. "You don't seem to be particularly pleased to see me here…"

"That's because I don't like you." Shinji replied, honestly.

"You don't?" The silver-haired boy said, tilting his head slightly, his smile falling in the process. "Why's that?"

What are you stupid? "Because… I just don't alright…" Shinji said, his frown deepening. The boy remained undeterred as he stepped a little closer to Shinji. "Well… maybe we should spend some time together. I'm sure you'll like me if you get to know me." The boy replied, his smile returning to his face.

"I'm sorry but I don't feel like it… I have enough on my mind as it is. I don't think I could ever like you… and I don't feel much like trying either." Shinji said sourly. He backed away a step from the boy that seemed oblivious to the concept of personal space.

"You are worried are you not? For your friends." Kaworu said, seemingly unfazed by Shinji's comment or tone of voice.

"Don't talk to me like you know me! You have absolutely no idea what I think or what I feel!" Shinji took another step back as Kaworu stepped forward, closing the distance to him once again. "I'm not looking for anymore friends! You should stay the hell away from me, anyway. Everyone that gets close to me gets hurt..."

He started walking away, not noticing the boy following him closely as he lost himself in thought. I pushed Asuka away today. He thought to himself dispondently. I shouldn't have said those awful things. I should apologize to her, though... though I doubt she'll accept it anyway. She hates apologies. She'll just scold me more or hit me again.

"You know, it's not your fault they got hurt. You couldn't have-"

Shinji was startled by the boy and interrupted him mid sentence as he spun around. "Damnit! Can't you just leave me alone?"

He gave the boy a shove and ran off in the direction of his home.

---

Fuyutsuki sat alone in his home, a cup of coffee stood before him, but he had not taken a single sip since he had pored himself the cup five minutes ago. So he just sat, silent and still, thinking.

Yui… have you seen us lately? Do you see us at all? Can you see? What has become of us… in our journey to salvation we have lost all that makes us human… and now I find myself wondering if we've made the right choice.

He got up from his chair and rubbed his temples for a moment. He took a look at the cup in front of him, its' contents now cold. In a swift move he picked it up and walked to his kitchen, and emptied the cup in the sink. Simply leaving the cup on its' side in the sink, he walked over to the cupboard, and grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and a glass. He pored himself a glass and placed the bottle back in the cupboard, then moved back to sit on his couch.

I've let my own grief blind me, for you Yui… but I can't do that anymore… I can't find any justification for what we do to survive, to finish the scenario put out for us. He sighed and took a sip from his glass, savouring the whiskey in his mouth for a moment before swallowing.

We truly believed we could use these children for our own means… what makes that any different from the cruelties of man in the past that we wish to undo with Instrumentality… we don't deserve any of this. Two wrongs don't make a right... And we've done a lot more than two...

I've let myself get caught up in Gendou's grief... and my own. I let myself get caught up in his plans. He got up from his seat and walked to a painting hanging from his wall. Carefully he lifted the frame from it's hook and set it aside revealing a small safe behind it. Instinctively he looked over his shoulder then back at the lock as he keyed in the numbers of the combination. The mechanics clicked and the keypad beeped in acceptance of the code.

He turned the handle and opened the small door to reveal its' contents. Inside sat a binder, that same binder that held all the evidence he had gathered before he had let himself to be pushed by Gendou to join GEHIRN. Everything he had one day, long ago, wanted to reveal to the world. On top of it sat a small picture. Carefully he grabbed the binder, keeping it level to prevent the picture from falling to the ground.

He closed the safe but let the painting sit where it was as he turned and walked back to where he sat a minute ago. He took the picture in his other hand as he plopped the documents down onto the coffee table and sat down slowly.

He took another careful sip of his drink, then put it down on the coffee table in front of him. What happened to that man that wanted to bring justice to the world, that wanted to help people… that wanted to put to justice the men that plotted Second Impact.

He looked at the small picture in his hands. It was Yui Ikari holding the still baby Shinji in her arms and close to her chest. A small smile graced her lips as she regarded her son. Beside her stood Kyoko, unmistakable from the same red hair her daughter had inherited from her.

He took another look at Yui before slowly letting his hand fall to his knee, picture still lightly grasped between his thumb and index finger. He looked at the glass before him, pondering whether or not to take another sip. Almost hesitantly he moved to grab the glass with his free hand. Once his fingers touched the cold object he decided against it, and sat back on the couch.

He'd often wondered how he could live with himself, with knowledge of the daily cruelties people had to go through because of his organisation, and SEELE. But what was an old man like him to do, if he had tried to go public with his information, he would have surely been killed. On the other hand, what does an old man like me still have to lose?

It was strange how little things could change a man's point of view entirely, and he had experienced it first hand. He had found a universal truth only a couple of weeks ago that had turned his world upside down, and had him pondering ever since. The object that had instigated all this within him still laid out on his table before him, the corresponding page in which he had found this truth, still lying open. He moved forward again, and grabbed the magazine, like he had done almost every day since that day.

He spotted the very line that had caught his eye that day in an instant, and read it out loud, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

---

Author's notes: I hope you liked this chapter. Thank you all who are reading this and those who have left a review. It's good to know how you feel about the story. I hope more people will leave a review for me, even if it is just a short one. Also, from now on I'll try to put some time into responding to reviews at the end of any new chapters.

Lord Razer: Good to know that you enjoyed that scene with Asuka during the battle with Arael. Since Asuka is the recipient of the attack in the original story of both the anime and manga this will all take a drastically different course, but that doesn't mean she's off the hook. During the original story she is spiraling downward mentally, and it will be no different in this.

The same goes for the tone of this fanfiction. It needs to be dark or it wouldn't feel like NGE, and it is that very darkness that makes Evangelion great. There is a ways to go before the we can start lifting the characters up out of the darkness. After a few chapters I will probably explain a bit more of the background for this story and what themes I'm baseing this on, but unless I want to spoil the story I'd better wait ;)

As for Rei. You can see in this chapter I am not done with her yet. My thought on her process through all this is that it will take her a while to actually discover how deep the rabit hole goes. I'm not convinced that she actually knows all that much about herself, the purpose she was created for or her origins in the original Evangelion lore. Even in the anime and manga she is constantly questioning this. Even up to the point where she dies and is resurrected as Rei III, right after she wonders why she's still alive and for whom.

Anyway, thank you again for reading and hopefully see you at the next chapter! Bye!