Shattered

Disclaimer: I don't own evangelion. It is not my intellectual property, and I make no money out of writing this.

Author's notes: This chapter came suprisingly easy to me. I've basically run out of content from the original posting, but it seems to have been a blessing. Almost all that content has been processed into the first two chapters which gives me the freedom to sort of start anew.

A short technical note: I have updated the formatting of the previous chapters a little bit because some of the layout in my text editor doesn't carry over when I upload documents. Nothing major, and there's no change in content whatsoever, so you can read on without worry of missing anything.

So, on with the story!

*I have made small edits to this chapter to hopefully better capture Gendo's persona based on some of the points made in Seeking Professional Help's review. Thank you for your honest opinion!

"Onemississipi"

– denotes speech

Twomississipi

– denotes thoughts

"Threemississipi"

– denotes projected speech, may be through a radio but also an alternate voice in a character's mind. Should be clear from context.

Part III: Tumbling down

In the distance stood a figure that she recognized. He looked in her direction, blue eyes trained on hers. Slowly he turned from her and walked away. Her body felt like it was made of clay as she tried to make her muscles move, trying to run after the boy, trying to catch up.

Rei moved like she was under water, the environment protesting and resisting her every move. No progress. A disheartening sensation coursed through her body as she realized she couldn't reach him, couldn't move fast enough. Her body unwilling to follow her directions, her surroundings working against her.

The Commander stood over her and grabbed her by the shoulder. She tried to fight but there was no strenght in her arms. Again, they failed to move at her will. Powerless to resist, powerless to act. She wanted to pull loose from the man but all she could do was follow as he pulled her forward.

She wanted to kill the man, fight him to her last breath. Terror, fear, incredible fear rushed through her. She tried to hit him, barrage him with her small arms, but again there was no strenght. He pushed her forward into blackness and all she could do was step into it against her will. Her body was not her own to command.

Darkness. She hung before the white humanoid shape, giant in proportions to her, in a sea of darkness. It called her, whispered in her mind. She hovered before it in mid-air, moving closer and closer to it until its' chest split open and swallowed her whole.

The world in chaos. Whirlwinds of black smoke, earth and dust, like a hurricane around her, spun over the earth at high speed. At the center an illuminated smile. Just a smile, not even a face. Just bright eyes and grinning mouth hidden inside a shadowy and unrecognizable face, burning like a fire being stoked within.

A giant black sphere hung over the world, streams of red whirling, spinning, swallowing into the object. Everyone she knew in her life flashed before her eyes, disolving before her eyes as they passed.

Shinji stood before her. An open-mouthed smile on his face, but with empty eyes. A trickle of blood dripped from his nose and the corner of his mouth. His mouth closed, expelling a gush of blood. The smile stayed, eerily taunting her, as the dead eyes inverted into black in an instant. The boy exploded into a spray of orange a second later.

With a shriek she sat up straight on the dirty floor, cold sweat drenched her clothes, panting heavily like the night before. Her heart pounded like it was trying to rip out of her chest. She looked around as she tried to catch her bearings. After a moment she realized where she was, where she had fallen asleep, and remembered what had happened just a couple of hours before.

She moved to touch her cheek with her fingertips. She could still feel the dried streaks below her eyes, pulling slightly on the skin of her cheeks. Her hands were stained with dried blood, ugly wounds on her palms. They reminded her of her dream the other day, but she managed to push the thought from her mind for once. She felt spent but tried to get up nonetheless. Her legs felt like rubber and it took her a few attempts to get up, stumbling on her unresponsive legs when she finally did.

Slowly she shuffled to the bathroom sink, keeping her eyes away from the mirror that hung over it, and carefully cleaned the blood off her hands. Her breath shuddered and she winced as the cuts reopened slightly, even with her careful handling. She looked at her trembling hands and the small trickle of blood. Silent tears fell from her eyes once more, impacting with the crimson drops in the sink. She finally regarded herself in the mirror.

Her normally vibrant red eyes were dull, a darkness around her eyes a silent witness to the lack of solid sleep. She felt dead inside, and she realized she longed for death. She stood there for minutes, watching the salty fluid run from her eyes, not sobbing or wailing, simply looking. She looked back at her hands. The cuts had stopped bleeding now.

After a minute or so more she walked back into her room. The torn curtain hung limply from its' rail as she walked up to it. She barely noticed the rinkling sound of broken glass skidding across the floor as her feet kicked a part of the broken eyepiece away in her stride.

She opened the sliding door to the balcony and closed her eyes as a soft wind brushed through her hair and passed her clothes. She stepped up to the railing and looked down the four floors below her. She considered climbing over and jumping for a moment, but something stopped her. She wanted to see him once more. For all the terrible memories and sensations she was feeling, there was a difference now to the way the young Ikari felt to her as well. She wanted to feel that once more, before...

The wind ruffled her hair and clothes again, a sensation she hadn't given any thought before, but realized now felt very soothing. Yes, she decided. Today she would go back to NERV once more. She would perform the Synchronisation test as was expected. She would see Shinji again and then she would end it. It would be easier if she went away. She wouldn't have to feel the loneliness anymore. She would be replaced and she wouldn't feel any of this again.

Kozo stood wide-eyed, hands mid way through putting on his uniform jacket, as he saw a familiar object sitting in between the documents he had left on the coffee table the night before. His heart seemed to have stopped for a moment when he recognized it, and frozen him in place. Slowly he regained his composure, and hesitantly reached out to grab it.

It had been a long time since he had read this, had forgotten about it for a long time. These had been her last words to him. Words from the grave for all intents and purposes. Yui must've written the letter just the night before the contact experiment, and he hadn't received it until days after the incident.

Fuyutsuki's hands trembled as he slowly he pulled the carefully handwritten letter out of the envelope that had not been sitting between the documents within the binder. Unfolding it carefully he held it ever so gently between his fingers, scared to tear or smudge it, as if it was an ancient document uncovered from a tomb, fragile, disintegrating when handled carelessly. Slowly he began reading.

My dearest Kozo,

I write this letter to you with a heavy heart, because I know it must pain you to have to carry this burden. Perhaps I am hoping to encourage you like this because I fear Gendo will be broken by what I have to do. You do not trust him, but I know him to be kind and sensitive. Don't be fooled by his harsh exterior. Guide him for me please and make sure that my son is well.

As a scientist, I am not one to believe in fate, but I can see this chain of events and I see where this will lead. I dread there is no other way to stop this. We have all been caught in this web of lies and deceit and it leaves me doubting my beliefs. Therefore, if there is such a thing as fate than I feel this is the part I must play.

His eyes began to water, the words on paper echoing as the brown haired woman's gentle voice within his mind. He chin quivered as he went on.

You may not have been able to tell the world about this tragedy, but you can help protect humanity by keeping the ones I love so dearly safe. I feel this is the only option I have left. I see no other way to stop the storm that awaits us if we let the commitee follow through with their plans unopposed. Please, keep Gendo from straying from the path. I'm sure he doesn't understand right now, but when the time is right I hope that you will tell him that all this was my choice. It is the only way I can protect my Shinji, my husband, and you.

A teardrop fell from his eyes and onto his hand. He wiped at his eyes frantically and dried his hand on his trousers with a slight sense of panick, afraid to besmudge the woman's last testament that she had entrusted to him.

I'm sorry that I couldn't love you like you love me. I could say that perhaps if things had been different I would have, but I cannot lead you on. I respect you too much for that. I will not deceive you into helping me. You are an honorable man, and although I know you are full of doubt, perhaps even cynical about people, I trust in you to do the right thing.

He inhaled a jagged breath and attempted to keep himself together. His breath caught as more tears fell, compelling him to stop for a moment to let out a shuddering breath before continuing on.

If you can find a way to stop this any other way, then try. Perhaps you will find a it, someday, somehow. Even if you discover that you cannot stop it, I know in my heart that you will have done all you could, and I will try my best to do whatever I can when the time comes. Stay strong and don't despair.

With love,

Yui

His eyes fell shut and he remembered his one time student and love. He remembered that moment when they had met by the lake. When she had told him what she was going to do. He had explained that he wanted to expose SEELE and GEHIRN, but that they had threatened him with his life. She had told him to keep faith and to wait for when the time was right.

For a moment doubt caught up with him again. He had promised himself the night before he wouldn't let it go any further, but the letter had scared the wits out of him just now. Was he too late? Yui hadn't seen a way out 11 years ago, why would now be any different? He hadn't been able to tell Gendo of her plan, of her will to protect Shinji from within the core of Unit-01. He hadn't been able to keep Gendo from falling apart and going astray. He had failed in every aspect. The further along he went, the harder it became to do anything but just follow along.

No! No more hiding. No more running away. He had let himself be swallowed up by his grief, just like Gendo, and had followed in his madness in the search to reunite with his love. But Gendo's scenario was unraveling at the seams, and the man's attempts to set it straight once more we're now becoming more and more wretched. If he didn't go through with this, how could he ever face Yui again. He would have no right. He would have betrayed her, he would betray himself.

Yui... I'm sorry I have let it get this far. I will try, for you... I cannot stand by and do nothing any longer, even if I'm just an old man.

"This part of the brain..." Ritsuko said, as she pointed at the picture of a cross section of Rei's brainpatterns from the fMRI scan. "...governs both physical and emotional pain. As you can see it's lit up like a christmas tree. The same goes for the part of the brain that's most associated with stress and anxiety... this is unusual... well for Rei at least. Since she isn't harmed and she says she isn't experiencing any physical pain she must be in emotional distress."

The Commander's look gave her some satisfaction. It was minimal, and hard to pick up, but she could see it. He was displeased with this. The Sub-Commander behind him gave no outward reaction to this news, simply staring off into the distance out the window of the office, a pensive look on his face.

"Also, Maya did some analysis on the synchronisation data from yesterday. We're not sure what it means yet, since there's so much we don't know about the connection between the pilots and the Eva's souls, but there are significant spikes in the graph. At moments the Ego Borderline between Eva-00 and Rei crossed even though it didn't lead to a loss of the self."

The man simply stared at her for a moment. "Continue..."

"Well... It's unclear in what way it's connected with the fMRI scan results, if it is at all. They might just be the effect of the Angel's attack on her mind. However, we have not seen a pilot cross the borderline without absorption into the core until now."

"And her synchronisation test is due today?" Gendo responded immediatly.

"Yes."

"Good. See to it that it is done." He stood from his desk and walked towards the doctor, snatching the report she held from her hands. He turned his back towards her as he went over the document, walking first to the window overlooking the Geofront and then to his desk. Fuyutsuki seemed to have snapped out of his thoughts at Ikari's words, but otherwise said nothing.

Ritsuko looked on with some amusement over the man's change in demeanor. How does this work out for your scenario? Her mood soured however when she read his expression as the man stood behind his desk. He's worried about her.

Gendo took a long drawn out breath and spoke, taking a moment to rub his bearded chin as he did so. "If she cannot perform her task..." He stopped mid sentence as he plopped the document onto the hardwood piece of office furniture and sat down behind it once more. He placed his hands, fingers intertwined, just under his nose as he always did.

"If she's not able synchronize..." Gendou continued but stopped again, not moving from his typical position behind his desk but closing his eyes as he thought about the conundrum that faced him now. "Perhaps it is better to forego synchronisation results at all and replace her, but with the test scheduled so soon we might as well wait."

He lowered his head for a moment in thought, his hands still bridged across his desk in front of him. Ritsuko could see him running the numbers in his head as he tapped his forehead against his hands twice, a rare sight, one that only she and Fuyutsuki would ever get to see. He looked up at the doctor sternly. He has decided.

"If she is to perform badly you will call her in for a medical examination as soon as possible. You will have to dispose of her and replace her."

Ritsuko had to hide her shock. He was going to let her do his dirty work for him? She wondered if she might get some satisfaction from it. She felt strangely conflicted about this. She despised the clone, but being the one to dispose of her was something else.

"I cannot let this interfere with my plans to reunite with Yui."

Fuyutski exchanged a glance with the doctor, opting to keep silent in the shadows. He kept to his thoughts, not expecting a compassionate ear. Not from either of the two. His eyes stayed trained on the doctor for a moment, shock and anger apparent in her face even though she was visibly trying to hide it.

Rei too is just a pawn... even if she resembles Yui. He had always thought the clone to be an abomination. Even if he couldn't hate the girl herself, it was a herasy to Yui's memory in his eyes. He still couldn't understand what his young student had seen in the man that sat before him. We're all just pawns. The Commander turned his head slightly towards the man standing behind him as if sensing his apprehension, but didn't move otherwise to look at the man as he spoke. "And you Sensei... no words of condemnation this time?"

The old man scoffed audibly at the remark. "Would it matter?"

An intake of breath and a thoughtful sigh emanated from the bespectacled man behind the desk. "No... it would not." He had reverted to his cold self. "That is all Dr. Akagi... you may leave." He said finally as he gave the woman a dismissive wave of the hand.

Ritsuko didn't say a word as she spun on her heels and marched out the door. That bastard. She had to contain herself from stomping as she walked out the door. Anything for his fucking dead wife. He doesn't even hide it in my presense anymore... A disgusted shiver snaked through her gut at the thought. No matter how many times I let him fuck me. I give my body to him... A pang of hurt followed her disgust. ...but I'll never have his heart.

She walked through the empty corridors. It was still very early in the morning and the midnight skeleton crew was yet to be rotated out for the daily full roster. After some time she reached her office and sat down behind her console. She clicked on the monitor and sat back in her chair.

She was disgusted with herself she realized, hated herself even more than she hated the blue-haired clone, more than the Commander's dead wife. She hated herself for getting caught up in all this, for helping him achieve his sick goals. But most of all, she hated herself for falling for him like her mother did. He uses everyone as long as he can, then, when he no longer has a use for them, he discards them. Just like mother... Soon he'll discard me as well.

She sat in silence for a while, simply staring at the desktop the screen displayed. Her eyes moved to the picture next to it, displaying her, her mother and Gendou. Her eyes shifted to Naoko and stayed there.

Mother. I'm beginning to understand… why you did that, that night. And to think I fell for him just like you did. She sighed, putting her head in her hands, elbows on the desk for support. "Like mother, like daughter." She whispered cynically into the empty room. "Both passed over for that… that little wench. Used as a doormat."

Even she's more important to him than me… the one he's confided in for that past decade. After all I've gone through for him, after all the pain and humiliation! She squinted her eyes closed, trying to keep herself from crying over the man she loved once, yet loathed so much now.

Fuyutsuki stood silently looking at the giant purple Eva towering over him, even from the gantry he was standing on. People would start flowing into headquarters soon, but for now he still had some time to think alone. "I've decided." He whispered, adressing the soul residing inside. "I found and read your letter again today, and I have decided." The mecha remained still of course, but he hoped somehow she could hear him within.

"I couldn't tell Gendo... I'm sorry." He admitted. "Perhaps if I hadn't waited so long I could've changed his mind, but as it is now I don't think I can stop him from heading down this path." He sighed as he put his crossed arms over the railing, leaning into it for support. "He's going to kill the girl. She reminds me of you, Yui... although I know she's not. If I don't stop him he will use her to try to reunite with you and... and although I've longed for it as well I know it is not right." He swallowed, though his mouth felt dry. "I can't be that selfish after having seen her change so much. Shinji seems quite fond of her, too. It would destroy him if I let Gendo have his way... and I can't let that happen."

He bit his lip unconsciously as he nodded at the machine in silent determination. "If I fail I know you will be there. I just wanted you to know that I tried." He took his hands from the railing and slid them into his pocket as he walked away. He stopped for a moment and looked back at the Eva over his shoulder, then continued and left the cage.

Slowly he made his way to the control room overlooking the test-cage where Unit-00 was being set up. In a couple of hours they would attempt to have Rei synchronize with it again, if she didn't succeed Gendo would dispose of her.

He walked up to the reinforced glass and regarded the machine's one cycloptic eye, knowing full well what lay within, what Ritsuko and Gendo had done to obtain another operational Eva unit. He had silently consented when he found out about their plans for the prototype, figuring desperate times required desperate measures. He couldn't deny the cruelty of it however. He had let his silence, and lack of action speak for him too often now.

"Plug lock-in procedure completed."

Rei sat in the entry plug as the techs on the bridge went about their business, running through the initial startup procedures for the Evangelion. She had somewhat dreaded getting back into Eva before now, had met the thought of stepping back into it with trepidation. But now that she was seated on the soul's throne she felt strangely at ease. She didn't pay much attention to the voices filtering through the command channel.

"Initiating first stage interface."

There was a lingering presence there, one she had always felt, but not of the same intensity it once was. It was that presence that had visited her during the Angel's violation of her mind. It was a silent companion in the Evangelion. Absentmindedly she wondered if the other pilots felt something similar. It was like a part of... of her? Is it the same for the others? Is it the same for Ikari-kun?

"Initiating power-up sequence..."

"A10 neural synapses operating. The signal is weak but within functional parameters."

"Good enough, continue with the procedure as normal."

"Roger, opening reciprocal circuits."

She closed her eyes for a moment as the connection tingled in the back of her mind, cherishing the relaxed feeling she hadn't experienced in days. In Eva, with her companion, as small as it felt now, she felt somewhat safe. She dared venture back to the event of two days prior in her mind. A part of me... There is a part of me inside Eva?

A whisper floated through her mind. "I am you..."

Yes... She remembered as the words of the presence echoed in her mind. She had nearly forgotten how it had started, the terrible memories and sensations that came after had almost eclipsed it entirely. She had a silent understanding now of what had occurred. This was her. Some part of her.

"Together we are whole..."

A rushing feeling overcame her, as if she was falling into a deep chasm. It was strangely welcoming. The rush of wind she felt in her fall was chilling but not unpleasant somehow. Goosebumps crawled across her back and up her arms, finally overcoming the entirety of her body as she shivered. A bright flash of light came rushing up before her, like the sun's rays reflecting in the ocean. She gasped and jolted in her seat as the fall ended into it. Her eyes shot open and she was back in the plug, finally noticing the voices of the techs flooding through the comms.

"What the fuck just happened?" It was the Major's voice.

"No idea! All systems were functioning nominally, then the connection just... just severed."

She recognized the voice of the petite female tech as she responded. "I can confirm. There wasn't even a cascade effect... all connections just cut at once. Eva-00 is inactive."

"...Uhh... Ok. Status on the pilot?"

"Elevated heartbeat, but nothing else out of the ordinary."

"Rei, what happened?" Misato inquired.

Rei simply stared ahead as her heartbeat regained its' normal cadence, her breathing slowly returning to normal as well.

"Rei? Can you hear me?"

"Yes, Major Katsuragi..."

"What happened?"

"I... do not know." She responded truthfully.

"...R-roger... are you up for another try?"

She had to think about that for a moment. The presence she felt before was gone, the comfort she felt had whisped away. She was alone in Eva. It won't matter. She knew somehow, intuitively, but she didn't voice the thought.

"Rei?"

"Yes, ma'am." She finally responded.

"Very well. Restart linkup procedures from step 42."

Kaworu stood silently on the bridge, looking out through the heavily reinforced windows. His eyes shone with glee over what had just passed. Even now, the crew was trying to restart the Eva. He knew it was no use, his tinkering had made sure of that.

"It's no use... There's just... no connection at all. It's like there is nothing to connect with." Hyuga reported as he read out the data streaming across his terminal.

Maya sat silently behind her console, looking up at the blonde doctor next to her. Her finger pointed silently at some point in the graph on her screen, and the doctor seemed to nod in understanding. What it said exactly, Kaworu didn't know. He didn't have to see to know, really.

The young tech dropped her hand away from the screen as she talked in a hushed tone that he could only barely make out from his position. "The whisper in the signal was there as always, but very low, just before startup. Synchro spiked for 0,01 second and dropped." He doubted anyone else had overheard.

Ritsuko looked away from the graph and the tech and turned towards the blue mecha in the gantry. A pensive look crossed her face as she brought her hand to her chin and rubbed it in astonishment. It is like the contact experiments... just reversed. She crossed the Ego borderline and integrated what sat in the core instead of being absorbed herself. She wasn't sure if she should be worried or impressed. This is going to complicate things.

Finally she turned to the room and its' staff. "That's enough everyone. That's the fourth try now, and we're getting nothing."

Hushed murmers started filling the room. After a moment Misato asked what was on everyone's mind. "Dr. Akagi... what happened? What does this all mean?"

The blonde sighed and leaned back against the console she was standing by, hands falling back to her sides then placed on the edge for support. "I don't know..." She was lying through her teeth. In fact, she had a pretty good idea on what just happened, but only she and Maya seemed to have noticed. Thankfully the short haired brunette was discrete enough not to say anything, though she looked at the doctor she so admired in a slightly surprised manner for having lied so blatently.

She raised herself back on her feet from her leaning position and looked at the silver-haired boy standing in the back. "You... Nagisa. You're up next." She knew it wouldn't matter, but she was going to keep up pretenses for now. The boy walked forward, a soft smile on his face. "Very well." He said as he exchanged a knowing glance with the doctor, to which a pinge of surprise and a narrowing of the eyes crossed her face. With a steady pace he walked off to the pilot's dressing rooms.

Pushing her surprise aside, Ritsuko continued. "Everyone, reconfigure for a new pilot. It looks like Rei is no longer able." She couldn't tell everyone what just happened. If her conclusions were correct than saying anything more would alert the more suspicious minds amongst the crew. Her eyes fell on the Major, standing with arms crossed and regarding her with narrowed eyes. She might already suspect something. The other techs would undoubtedly know something was up as well.

Indeed the Major felt something was awry. Ability to synch or not on part of the pilot, the giant fighting machines would at least activate for the primary protocols of the startup procedures. Instead, now there was nothing. What is she hiding? Why is she acting like business as usual?

For now, she decided, it would have to wait. Two could play this game. What, does she take me for a fool? She was going to find the woman later and give her the third degree. The hushed tones in which she talked with Maya just now, the way she had mistreated Rei the day before, all the suspicious behavior lately was getting on her nerves. Even that exhange of glances between the boy and her just now. What the fuck is going on?

At least that smugness from the day before was no longer present on her old friend. She let her arms drop and walked over to the intercom connected to the blue mecha's pilot. "Rei... we're going to abort startup. You can get dressed and go." She wasn't going to let the girl go through another one of Ritsuko's heavy handed examinations this time.

"Yes ma'am." The reply seemed almost relieved.

Ritsuko turned back to the Eva cage but looked sideways at the Major through the corner of her eye. She knew what all this meant. What she would have to do. But for now she had to play her part as the stumped scientist. Keeping up appearences. I'll have to deal with the girl later.

Turning her head back to the mecha she realized what they were about to do was very dangerous. If there's no soul in the core than letting that boy attempt synchronisation could... She stopped herself as she realized she didn't care anymore. Whatever happens, happens. She sighed in resignation.

That boy looked so much like her. She was aware that Seele had sent him. She was aware, as was the Commander, that the boy was dangerous. What his true purpose was exactly she didn't know, but the fact that the old men had pushed him forward was enough to give her pause. Too many secrets. I can't keep track anymore. Can't keep up with all the lies. The resemblance of his features to Rei was uncanny. The pale skin, red eyes, and knowing her origins removed all doubts about the boy's. He was not what he seemed.

The Sub-Commander had remained silent in the corner of the room, arms crossed. If the doctor made a move to follow the blue-haired clone he would find a way to stop her. He wasn't sure how, but he would distract her for just long enough to prevent her from doing anything today. If he could win some time maybe he could find a way to save the girl.

For now, the doctor seemed preoccupied however, staying for the synchronisation test of the young Kaworu. He too knew that it was bound to fail, and he too knew that appearances had to be kept. He would let this play out. Knowing SEELE and their scenarios, something was surely up.

The doctor looked his way with a questioning gaze. For all she knew he was still the complacent Sub-Commander in Gendo's plot. He nodded to her in encouragement and she nodded back.

His eyes fell on the Major who did not seem at all pleased with Ritsuko. Perhaps he would find an ally in her in all this. She was close with Kaji Rouji after all. He determined, and decided he would have to test the waters with the raven-haired women. She was sharp, had a healthy sense of right and wrong, and wanted to find out the truth. The corners of his lips tugged up ever so slightly. Yes... He realized as he supressed the small smile forming on his lips. The Major can help me protect the children.

Shinji sat quietly on the ground with his back against the corridor wall. The NERV HQ hallways were quiet with everyone at their posts for the synchronisation tests for Rei and Kaworu. He wasn't really sure why he came here today, there was no real need for him to be here but somehow he felt like he had to talk to Rei. Really he had wanted to wait for her the day before, but after his fight with Asuka he had lost the courage to stay.

He felt exhausted having caught hardly any sleep that night. He hadn't spoken to Asuka anymore either, who had spent the entire day making a point of ignoring him blatently. In the end she had run off to stay over at Hikari's place for dinner. He had tried to apologize to her when he ran into her at their appartement as she was leaving, but she simply pushed passed him when he asked her where she was going. "As far away from you as possible, Third. Hikari's if Misato asks!"

Today he had in turn avoided her, and going to NERV was better than staying at home with her. The tension between them was painfully obvious, and he felt like he was walking on eggshells whenever he was in the vicinity of Asuka. Even an accidental glance was enough to set her off now. He had thuroughly cocked everything up between them when trying to assert himself for once. Yet it felt good to have done it somehow. She was in a foul mood lately, and she took out her ire on him. She was suffering from her declining results and defeats as of late, he knew that, but he couldn't help his outperforming her. Hell, he didn't even like piloting, but reminding her of that only managed to infuriate her more. I just don't know what to do or say anymore, she just gets angry either way.

He sighed as he thought of the redhead that was pushing him away. And now Ayanami is pushing me away as well. We've grown closer since we first met... but now I wonder if it won't go any further. He groaned as he put his head in is hands, not understanding what he had done to deserve this. I just... want to be closer to her. He groaned again when the realization of what he just thought hit him. Why is this so hard?

Rei bumped into Kaworu as she stepped out of the changing room and into the shared space the two sections held. It appeared the boy had been waiting for her, already clad in his plug suit, just leaning with a relaxed posture into the wall besides the exit.

They stared at eachother for a moment, the small smile gracing the boy's lips making Rei uncomfortable. Unconsciously she grasped her arm just below the elbow, trying to put something, anything, inbetween her and the boy as she shrank away under his piercing gaze.

Suddenly the boy spoke up, making her jump ever so slightly in her place, even though his voice held a gentle kindness. "Hello miss Ayanami." The courteous way he adressed her made her drop her defenses a bit, but nevertheless her hand slid up her arm further, highlighting the discomfort she felt. She grasped slightly at her arm as she surprised herself with a question that bubbled up to the top of her mind. She spoke it softly. "That night." She said, as she recounted her first meeting with the boy. "You said we were similar. What did you mean?"

His eyes raised in what appeared to be surprise. "Ah, I wasn't sure if you'd remembered." He smiled. "Well, can I tell you a secret?" He asked with a slight deviousness hinting in his voice. It wasn't really a question, and she didn't respond other than with a slight tilt of her head indicated her curiosity. I've got her full attention. "You and I are made for a similar purpose." His eyes narrowed as he pushed away from the wall he leaned against, stepping closer to her. "Both of us are bound by fate, if you will."

Her posture stiffened at his slight approach, but gave no outward response or acknowledgement. "But fate can be changed by choice. You and I, we both have free will as an individual. We can defy that purpose if we wish." Her body indicated discomfort at his words, turning inward ever so slightly.

"And what is my fate?" She whispered.

His voice lowered in response to her body language, a soothing and gentle tone to it. "That I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know..." He said truthfully.

She averted her eyes from his as she remained silent. He stepped a little closer to her, but she didn't further regress into herself. He waited for her to mull over whatever it was that was going through her head. She was looking for answers, but they were not his to give. "I'm sure you can find the answer. You'll be able to piece it together."

"My... dreams." She realized as she relaxed somewhat, looking back up into his eyes.

"Yes."

They stood looking at eachother for a long while before he finally spoke again. "You realize what I am don't you?" She nodded slightly in response and he smiled as if to reasure her that he wouldn't obliterate her right then and there for finding out.

"That is why we are similar..."

"...but not the same." She finished his sentence with barely a whisper.

He smiled widely now, bare teeth for a second. "You might not trust me, I understand." The smile was playful, contrasting heavily with the context of what he was saying. "But it doesn't matter either way." His smile fell, turning into a serious frown. "All I will say is that the choice is yours. What you do with that is up to you."

"And... and if I choose not to follow my... purpose?"

"Then you will have to decide what you'll do from now on. Find a new purpose... or..."

She waited expectantly for the answer, her posture relaxed somewhat as her hand holding her arm slid down to her wrist.

"Or end it, if you are so inclined." His eyes narrowed as he regarded the girl's reaction. The avertion of her eyes from his, a silent admission of the option that occupied her mind most. There it is... The frown eased and that easygoing smile crept onto his lips once again.

She looked back to the boy. "And... and what will you do?"

The smile was replaced with a pensive look. "I haven't decided yet." Silence settled over the two for a moment when suddenly the intercom cracked and came to life.

"Pilot Nagisa, report to Cage #3 for synchronisation test."

The corner of the boy's mouth curled upwards again slightly. "Well that's my que." With that Nagisa turned and stepped towards the automated door that slid open at his approach. Rei stepped forward after the boy, her hand falling away from her wrist as the other arm grasped at the space the boy occupied just a second ago, like her mind grasped for answers.

"Oh... one more thing." He looked over his shoulder at the wide-eyed girl for just a second and spoke just before he exited. "I can see that you have found what you were looking for."

The boy walked out and left her with her thoughts. She stood stock-still and alone for a minute, her face reflecting her frazzled thoughts as she was attempting to wrap her head around the now absent boy's words. After a moment she managed to regain her composure somewhat and stepped outside.

She found Shinji sitting outside on the floor. He looked up at her as she regarded him. Her heart leapt a little as the conversation she just had moved to the back of her mind and to the lost look Shinji gave her. Tentatively she approached him, realizing she felt thankful for the opportunity to see him again. Just once more.

Her mind had quieted down she noticed. Whatever had happened inside the plug had not been unwelcome, and neither had been the conversation with the mysterious boy, regardless of how uncomfortable he made her feel. Something was different. Things were already different the last couple of days, but now there was a coldness missing that had forever been a part of her life.

"Both of us are bound by fate..." The words echoed in her mind for just a second.

She stepped up to the brown haired boy as he kept his gaze on her. Gently she bent down slightly and put the tips of her fingers on his shoulder as if to test the waters. His eyes warmed giving her the courage to proceed. She gently moved her hand to rest on his shoulder fully and he gave her a warm smile. A flutter brushed her heart and she couldn't help herself as she reciprocated with the tiniest of smiles. She stood up fully again and the boy followed.

Neither teenager spoke as they passed down the corridors towards the exit. When they finally reached the surface and stepped into sun, already partially obscured by clouds they were greated with an oppressive atmosphere. It was the kind of thick and headache inducing air that precursed a brewing storm. Indeed, dark and ominous clouds approached in the distance.

The two exchanged an expectant look, but neither spoke. They walked in silence, not daring to speak but staying close to one another nonetheless. A short ride on the monorail brought them further away from the underground base as the thunderclouds drifted closer.

They hung over them now, thunder rumbling in the distance. They had reached Rei's apartment not having spoken at all. Both hearts longed for closeness, yet dared not speak of it out of fear of rejection. Finally Rei turned towards Shinji as a slight drizzle started falling around the two, the clouds opening up as if to accent their shared grief.

"I... must leave now." She said softly, not looking into his eyes. Before she could turn the boy grabbed her by the hand, stopping her halfway. "Ayanami..." He whispered, unconsciously rubbing the top of her hand with his thumb. His mouth opened to say something, but he couldn't find the words. Finally her eyes met his.

The look in his eyes was too much to bare, the friendship he offered apparent in them. It made her heart feel lighter for it, eased the pain for just a moment. Her heart quickened and she swallowed against the lump in her throat. She wanted to say at least something before she left the boy, and found the only one thing she could to encourage the boy to let her go. "I am... alright."

She tugged her hand away from his carefully, and he let it slip through his fingers, both their hands falling limply to their sides. "Thank you..." She whispered. "Goodbye." She turned and started up the steps leaving the boy standing lost behind her. Every step closer to her door increased the painful heartache she was feeling. Repressing the tears and the loss that twisted her insides was now inducing an almost physical pain inside her.

"You will have to decide what you'll do from now on. Find a new purpose... or end it..."

She twisted the handle of her unlocked door and stepped inside. She was truly useless now. Eva would not move for her any longer. She was without purpose. Ending it would be better. I have decided. Her heart sank at the thought of the boy left standing downstairs. For once I have decided. She thought, ignoring the doubt that sat in her heart. It will be over soon. She determined.

She stepped forward into the hallway as the drizzle that had started earlier was now picking up in intensity, pattering against her balcony window. The apartement was still a mess from her attempt to vent her anger the day before. She didn't care, she wouldn't clean it up and doubted her replacement would. This was no longer her home. No. It had never been home, but a cage. Nothing but a prison. A flash lit up her apartement for a split second as the lightning storm outside had now pulled in right over Tokyo III. A moment later the thunderous clap ripped through the air so loud that she could feel it in her chest.

The rain was now turning into a harsh downpour as the flashes and thunder continued, varying in intensity. She slid open the door to the balcony as the winds poured in. The torn curtain, her dress and hair rustled in the wind. The muffled sound of the rain impacting with its' surroundings through the glass was now a loud cacaphony. She breathed in the fresh air smelling of rain and stepped into the downpour up to the balcony railing. She closed her eyes for a second as the rain overcame her, soothing her and cleansing her with its' cold embrace.

Her hands clasped the railing before her, cherishing the feel of the cold wet steel beneath her fingers like she had never before. She ran her hands along it slightly, feeling every imperfection in it. She relished in the feeling, the rain wetting her face and clothes, the sound of thunder over the city.

Her body moved on it's own, despite the doubts. She was grateful, she realized. To feel this for once. To feel fully, if only for these lasting moments.

"Goodbye..." The words echoed in Shinji's mind. He was still standing at the foot of the stairs leading up four flights to Rei's apartment. He couldn't move. He couldn't go home. She had not said that since he requested her to abandon that sad farewell. This was it. Fear pierced his heart with a cold sting. Fear for what the girl might do. Finally his legs moved of their own accord as he took a took a tentative step up. He was breathing heavily, not noticing the rain and thunder picking up in intensity as he slowly moved up towards Rei's apartement, his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

He moved slowly, fearing every step of the way. Fearing for what the girl might do. He was afraid he would be too late to stop her but couldn't make his legs work any faster. Stop her? From what? Is... is she going to kill herself? His heart ached in the realization at her words, at everything she had said to push him away since the Angel's attack. I think she's going to kill herself. Was she deliberately pushing him away then to make this easier? Did she thank him just now because he hadn't run away? Was this her final goodbye?

Shinji found himself in front of the door of apartement 402. The door was left slightly ajar, ticking against the frame as the wind pushed it from within. She hadn't even taken the consideration to close it. He pushed the door open against a heavy draft. "Ayanami?" He called timidly into the empty hallway. Lighting flashed, casting the appartement in a staccato of rectangular shadows, followed by the thunder quickly after. He stepped forward through the wind. The curtain across from him heaved heavily in the wind as he reached the small room that held her bed.

The place was a mess, more than it had been usually. The mirror lay broken on the ground. The dresser upturned next to the curtain that had apparently been torn from its' railing. A flash of light revealed a sillhouette through the curtains, one of a person standing on the balcony. "Ayanami!?" He called through the howling of the wind and roaring sound of the heavy rain outside, thunder cracking and swallowing it entirely.

He stepped forward reaching out his hands as he saw the girl pushing herself up on the railing, one knee already on it. "Ayanami." He whispered, almost not believing what was happening before his very eyes. She steadied herself, two knees on the railing. His heart leapt and he ran forward. "Ayanami. What're yo-..." He stepped on something that shifted under his feet and made him slip as he pushed forward hard to stop the girl. He fell forward but regained his balance just in time to lunge himself towards the girl that was now standing fully erect on the balcony railing. "Rei!"

She was already falling forward when he reached her, arms hanging limply at her sides. With one hand he grasped her dress at the waist and pulled back with all his might, the other reaching around her. He dug his heels into the wet floor as her weight pulled him forward, finally stopping the slide as his feet reached the bottom of the railing. He pulled backward and managed to stop her fall, stretching his legs, pushing with his entire weight. She came reeling back, the sudden shift catching him unprepared as the two teens tumbled back onto the balcony. His knees buckled and his head bounced off the glass of the balcony door with a dull thud. Rei fell onto his lap as they both tumbled gracelessly onto the floor.

Silence reigned for a while, only the wind and thunder making their presence known, the rain slowly wetting the two silent teens as they stayed motionless. Slowly Shinji sat up, ignoring the wet and the pain in his head, and embraced the girl from behind. She didn't protest as he held her close, his chest to her back. She could feel his heartbeat and his warm breath on her neck, shivering at the sensation of closeness. He followed me. He knew somehow.

Neither dared speak as they sat like that for a few minutes, now fully drenched from the rain. He wouldn't let me do it. Eventually the rain and thunder subsided. The sky was still overcast, but the worst of the storm had passed.

I stopped her. The young boy realized as he released the deep shuddering breath he had been holding back all this time. "Rei..." He whispered calmly. "Let's get inside." She nodded slowly in response as the boy's arms left their position around her waist, feeling a pinge of regret for what she had just attempted to do, what she had put the young Ikari through. Carefully Shinji got up to his feet and extended his hand to the girl still sitting quietly. She turned and looked up to him with wide eyes. After a moment she gently took his hand and he pulled her to her feet. Neither moved as they held eachother's gaze, still holding hands.

The calm had returned to the girl's mind, though the act she had intended to commit was still on her mind. Perhaps if he knew he wouldn't have. She thought, not knowing what the boy would think of her if he knew the truth. But, she decided, she would take his kindness. She would cherish it while it lasted. His embrace had wiped all doubt, all the intrusive visions, all the pain from her being. He cares for me...

He gently tugged on her arm and stepped inside, closing the sliding door as the girl followed behind. She followed the boy as he held her hand and guided her to the edge of the bed. Both children shivered from the cold air chilling their wet clothes. Rei gently sat down on the bed, hands in her lap and looking down.

I... I finally saved someone... He realized as he sighed in silent relief and sat down close to the blue-haired girl. I saved her. She looked at him with a shameful look, realizing how much she must've hurt the boy had she succeeded in killing herself. How she regretted pushing the boy away for the last couple of days.

He met her gaze and his sad and concerned expression broke her. Silent tears started streaming down her face as she snuck her arms around him, crying into his neck as he held her carefully. As if he read her mind Shinji spoke slowly and softly. "Rei... I don't know what you're going through... but I won't leave you. I won't let you leave me either." He swallowed as tears rolled down his own cheeks now. "We promised... remember? Way back? That we would go on living together."

She nodded into his chest as she pulled him closer. He tightened his own embrace as he continued. "Wh-... when you're ready you can tell me... what you think I should know about you..." The girl in his arms sobbed freely at his words. He sniffed away the tears and let out a shuddery breath. "...and I promise... I won't reject you when you do."

Slowly she began to calm down, as did he. She pulled away from him slightly to look him in the eyes. "I..." Her voice caught and she swallowed momentarily. "...I am glad." She whispered. "I am glad that you stopped me."

Shinji reached out his hand to gently brush against her cheek as he looked at her. "I'm glad that I did." He said honestly. Rei reveled in the sensation as she closed her eyes. There was something different about the touch. Like before when they held hands, there was an appreciation for the feeling that she had not sensed before. The touch was more vibrant, the warmth more apparent, the connection more real.

"I can see that you have found what you were looking for."

Author's notes: I know this chapter was released quickly after the second, even against my own expectations, but don't get your hopes up for future chapters. I had a long weekend and a clear mind that enabled me to cram out this chapter in no time.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and that you will write a review. Even a quick "This sucks" or "I like it" is OK, though some constructive criticism is very welcome. It gives me a sense of whether I should put more time into development of the story or some of the characters. I already feel like I'm bordering on OOC'ness and am trying to walk a very fine line. You're thoughts on this would be appreciated.

On an alternate note; some of you might recognize a certain scene in this. Recently I watched Koe no katachi which I highly recommend and I took some inspiration from it. I won't go into detail about what I borrowed from it because that might spoil the anime for you but anyone that's watched it will probably know what I mean. Hope you liked my take on it.

Nerf585: Thank you for your second review, and glad to hear that you're enjoying the story so far :)

See you all next time!