Note: chapter title from "devotion" by hurts + kylie minogue.

sorry for the delay on this chapter! just 'cause I love ya tonight's a two for one - chapter 18 coming later tonight :-)

17. help me to be brave

… … …

The more she thinks about it, the more she's pretty sure she had it coming. Honestly, what was she thinking? Keeping a secret like that from her best friend? What had he ever done to deserve her lying to him like that? It's not like she meant to hurt him, but that's what ended up happening. She should have just told him what was going on from the beginning. It would have been a lot easier then to just tell him she was tutoring Damon than it will be now to tell him she's in love with Damon.

What a horrible time to have a realization like that: she's in love with him.

"I really screwed up," she tells Jeremy tearfully, as he rubs her back comfortingly. They're sitting on the couch in the living room, where Elena retreated once the crowd in the dining room dispersed. She doesn't know where Katherine went, or Damon, now that she thinks about it. Jenna and Alaric are talking quietly in the kitchen, probably about what a horrible person she is, and Stefan could be anywhere right now. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

"Yeah," Jeremy admits, letting out a long breath. "You definitely could have handled that better."

Elena rolls her eyes. "Thanks for your support."

"Come on, Elena," Jeremy chuckles. "You and I both know this whole situation got way more out of hand than it needed to. Why didn't you just tell Stefan you were tutoring Damon from the beginning?"

"I don't even know anymore," Elena groans. "I was trying to make the whole situation easier for everyone, and instead I just made it a thousand times more difficult than it needed to be. And I might have just lost my best friend in the process."

The tears come then, and Jeremy's eyes soften. "Hey," he says softly, pulls her against him. "He'll come around. You two have a lot of talking to do, but you haven't lost him forever."

"I lied to him," she cries. "I lied to him and I completely stabbed him in the back."

"Stabbed him in the back," Jeremy furrows his brow. "I'm not sure that's entirely accurate."

"I knew how he felt about Damon," she reminds him. "I knew they weren't on good terms and I did it anyway."

"You didn't do it to hurt him, Elena," Jeremy insists. "Could you have handled it better? Yes. But you didn't go into this with the intention of hurting Stefan. I'd hardly say you stabbed him in the back."

"I would."

Elena sits up and looks over her shoulder at her sister. She wipes her tears away angrily. "Did you come down here just to gloat?"

"Oh, please," Katherine rolls her eyes, comes to stand in front of her sister. "I did you a favor and we both know it. There was no way you could keep that secret for too much longer. At least this way you can blame part of it on me."

Elena scoffs. "I'd hardly call that a favor."

"Call it whatever you want," Katherine shrugs. "At least the truth is out there now." She sighs. "And so is mine, which means it's time for me to go."

Elena looks up at her. "Where are you gonna go?"

"Back to school," Katherine says. "I've got friends I can crash with until I figure out what I'm gonna do. Who knows, maybe I'll be back for Christmas this year."

Elena rolls her eyes. "I won't hold my breath."

Katherine pauses for a moment. "Look, Stefan will come around, and Damon's head over heels in love with you, if you can't tell. You'll get everything you want in the end. You always do."

Elena furrows her brow. "What does that mean?"

"It means you're Elena Gilbert," Katherine laughs sardonically. "And unlike your older sister, you always get what you want, without even trying. You screwed up, but at least you're not a pathological bitch like me."

"Katherine," Jeremy scolds.

"Oh, stop, we're all thinking it." She looks at her brother, lets a small smile crack through. "Grayson's beautiful, Jeremy. Congratulations."

Jeremy nods. "Thanks."

"Well, I suppose I've caused enough damage for one family holiday," Katherine sighs. "Time to hit the road. Until next time, fam."

And then she's gone, and Elena looks up at her brother, takes a deep breath. "I guess I should go find Stefan and try to sort this out."

"He'll come around," Jeremy promises. "Don't beat yourself up too much, okay?"

Elena nods, knows that he's probably right. But as she stands and makes her way to the front door, she has a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that it's not gonna be that easy.

… … …

Stefan doesn't know how he's supposed to even begin to process all this. His first thought is that he's a fucking idiot, because he's had this feeling for months that she's been hiding something from him. He should've known to trust his gut on that one. He had all the clues right there in front of him - how happy she was when he and Damon came back together, how she was suddenly so MIA all the time, how friendly they've been for the past few days… how could he have been so blind?

He wants to talk to her, wants her to explain herself, but he's also terrified that if he does talk to her, he'll say things he doesn't mean, things that he can't take back. He just doesn't understand, doesn't know why any of this is happening, and he needs her help to sort it all out. Kind of ironic that the person responsible for his emotional turmoil is the one person he needs to talk to about it.

"Stefan," Elena breathes, and he looks up from his place on the porch swing just as she closes the door behind her. "I thought you left."

He shrugs. "I didn't know where to go."

She sighs and sits down next to him, and he stands up to put some distance between them. He's too keyed up, too angry to sit so close to her when she's been lying to him for so long.

"Stefan-"

"How long?" he demands.

She opens her mouth to respond, closes it again. "I started tutoring him at the beginning of the year."

Fuck. "Three months." He scoffs. "Who knew you had it in you?"

"Stefan, please-"

"Why didn't you just tell me?" he wonders. "The tutoring I could understand. That's your job."

"I knew how you felt about him," she says timidly, carefully. "I knew you wouldn't like that I was spending time with him, and I just figured, if it's only gonna be a temporary thing… you didn't need to know."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

She blanches, and he regrets it for a split second, but for some reason he feels like her answer is really important. She takes a deep breath, seems to steel herself and lifts her gaze to look him in the eye. "No," she says firmly. "But I am in love with him."

He pales. "What?"

She rolls her eyes. "Come on, Stefan. You had to have known I've always had feelings for him. Those didn't just go away."

"Even after he screwed us over?" he snaps. "Even after he humiliated you in front of everyone?"

"I told you before," she reminds him. "I decided a while ago to put that in the past. He apologized, and we've talked through it."

"Please," Stefan scoffs. "We've talked about this, Elena. A leopard doesn't change its spots."

"You're right," she agrees. "You were the one who thought he changed, when he 'abandoned you' five years ago. You were so convinced that you even managed to convince me. But the Damon I've come to know over the past few months is the same boy I always knew."

"You are so damn naïve." Stefan laughs sardonically. "Were you ever gonna tell me? Before the wedding, maybe?"

Elena rolls her eyes again. "Jesus, Stefan, be reasonable," she snaps. "I was scared."

"Scared of what?" he shouts. "That he might run at the first sign of trouble? Yeah, I would've been scared, too. He's an asshole, Elena."

"I was scared that I would lose you!" Elena counters. "I was afraid that you wouldn't understand, that you would push me away the same way you did to him."

Fuck. She has a point, and that one slices through him like a knife. "That's a low blow," he warns lowly.

"Yeah, well, it's about time someone called you out," she snaps. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Stefan. That was never my intention. I'm sorry that I lied to you, and I'm sorry that you had to find out that way. But I won't apologize for being with Damon, or for falling in love with him."

"It's not real, Elena," Stefan scoffs. "He's probably with you just to piss me off, because that's what he does."

Elena rears back like she's been slapped, and for just a moment, he wants to take it back, but he can't. "Do you even hear yourself?" she says quietly. "Because the only asshole I see around here is you."

He doesn't know how long he sits on that porch swing after she goes inside, but it's dark and cold by the time he finally calms down enough to go to bed. And even then, he doesn't really sleep, because her last words to him are ringing in his head and he can't seem to make them shut up. Turns out that even when they're at odds, she still knows exactly how to cut him to the core.

… … …

Elena's crying when she comes inside, and fuck if it doesn't break his damn heart. He heard the shouting from the front porch, decided he'd sit at the bottom of the stairs and wait for her, just in case she needed someone to talk to. He figures she's gotta be beating herself up, feeling worse than he can even imagine, and he wants to be there for her.

But when she finally comes inside, tears streaming down her cheeks, he stands up to take her in his arms, and she pushes him away. "I just… I need a little space, okay? I promise I'm not…" she chokes out a sob. "I just… I can't right now."

He feels completely useless, and he absolutely hates it. She's obviously hurting, and he wants to take her pain away, or at least help her work through it. But he can't if she won't let him, and if she needs space, he supposes that's what he'll give her.

He lasts exactly five hours before he sneaks into her bedroom to check on her, finds her staring up at her ceiling blankly. He lays down next to her, props himself up on his elbow to look down at her. "Are you okay?"

She takes a deep breath, spares a brief glance at him, nods. "I'm fine," she says.

"Are you sure?" He slides his hand over her arm where it rests on her stomach, threads his fingers together with hers, and he's relieved when she doesn't push him away. "You don't seem okay."

"Yeah, well, Stefan's an asshole," she snaps.

Oh. That's new. "What did he say?"

"Just spouted off about how stupid and naïve I am, how you're only with me to piss him off."

Damon scoffs. "Right."

"It doesn't matter. I tried to apologize, and he didn't want to hear it, so I'm done."

As much as he would love to just damn Stefan to hell and move on with their lives, he knows it's not that simple. He's Damon's brother, and he's Elena's best friend, whether she likes him right now or not. "What do you mean, it doesn't matter? It's Stefan. He's your best friend, Elena. Of course it matters."

"So you're saying I'm being dramatic and I shouldn't be upset because I'm the one who screwed up."

"No," he corrects her. "You have every right to be upset. He had no right to say those things to you. But he pretty much leveled the playing field, didn't he? You lied to him, and he lashed out to hurt you. Can you really blame the guy for not being happy about us being together?"

Elena scowls. "If he was really my friend…"

Damon rolls his eyes. "Don't give me that shit. You and I both know we screwed up. I know you're pissed, but he's not the only one in the wrong here."

She's quiet for a moment, and he knows that she knows that he's right, but he's not expecting her to acknowledge it. She's angry, and she has every right to be. He just doesn't want her to lose sight of the real crux of the issue here, because if she gets too caught up in her anger, they'll never resolve anything.

"I just want both of you," she says quietly, after a drawn out silence. "I want to be with you, but I also want my best friend. Why is that so much to ask for?"

He watches as a tear slips down the side of her face, and God, he hates how much she's hurting. He reaches over to catch the tear with his finger. "You picked a pretty screwed up pair of brothers to ask," he jokes.

Finally, she turns sideways so they're face to face, drapes her arm over his waist to pull him closer. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

Fuck. He knows it's a bad idea, but she's hurting, and she's so damn cute. How the hell is he supposed to resist her? Like, ever?

… … …

When Caroline's mom asks her to go pick up a few things in town the day after Thanksgiving, she jumps at the opportunity. She loves her extended family, but she's been cooped up in the house with them for the last forty-eight hours non-stop, and she needs a break. A trip into town sounds like as good an excuse as any.

She's walking out of the drug store when she sees a familiar face sitting on a bench in the square, and she smiles as she approaches him. "Hey, you," she says as she takes the seat next to him.

"Hey," he responds quietly, with an obviously forced smile.

Uh oh. Red flag. She studies his profile, dread pooling in her stomach. "Are you okay?" she asks worriedly.

He shakes his head. "Things are pretty weird at home right now," he says vaguely, and she's about to ask him what's going on when he turns to face her. "Did you know?" He swallows. "About Elena and… and Damon?"

Oh. Shit. Now it all makes sense. "Yeah," she admits sheepishly. "I'm… sorry. I didn't-"

"It's okay," Stefan stops her. "It wasn't your responsibility to tell me."

She feels a bit uneasy, decides she needs more details. "Stefan, what happened?"

"It doesn't matter," he insists, sitting back against the bench and shoving his hands in his pockets. "The cat's out of the bag, and apparently she's in love with him." He scoffs. "Can you believe that? Damon. My brother, who goes through women like he goes through socks."

"She's liked him for a long time," she reasons.

"Yeah, well." Stefan rolls his eyes. "Maybe she's not as smart as I thought she was."

"Hey," Caroline scolds, and he winces. "You may be upset, but she's still my friend, and she's still your best friend. Don't be a dick."

"She lied to me," he insists. "For months. How am I ever supposed to trust her again?"

"Okay. You need to listen to me for a minute." She turns her body to face him, waits for him to do the same. He doesn't. She decides she doesn't care. "It's not like she did something horrible, like tell the whole school your deepest darkest secrets, and it's not like she cheated on you, because you're not dating." She rolls her eyes. "Not to mention, you and Damon have been on better terms lately. You said so yourself. So why are you so upset that she sees the same things you see?"

"She just forgave him," he tells her. "Just like that. Like nothing ever happened."

"So you're jealous."

"Jealous?" he scoffs. "Of Damon? No."

"No, of Elena," Caroline corrects him. "You're jealous that she was able to let go of it all, and you can't seem to."

"I'm not jealous," he insists, annoyed. "I'm mad that she doesn't seem to understand the magnitude of what happened back then." He sighs, thinks for a moment, rephrases. "I'm mad because if she was able to move on so quickly, if all that drama was really that easily forgiven, then what have I wasted the last five years being so upset about?"

"That's understandable," she assures him.

"And I'm mad because she lied to me," he reminds her. "Why didn't she just tell me what was going on? Tutoring is her job. I wouldn't have liked it, but I don't have any control over who she tutors."

"Trust me," Caroline insists, "we've been telling her that from the beginning."

"I just wish I understood why she did it."

"Look, this hasn't been easy for her, either," Caroline reveals. "If only you could hear most of our conversations for the past three months… she has agonized over this. She didn't want to hurt you, didn't want to lose you. She was terrified of your reaction when you found out. I know you're hurt, and I get it, but just… try to see it from her perspective, okay?"

Before he can respond, his phone vibrates in his pocket, and he rolls his eyes at the caller ID. "What do you want, Damon?" he asks when he answers. She watches as his face changes from annoyance to shock in a split second, and she waits until he hangs up to get the answers to her questions.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"It's my dad," he says, bewildered. "He's been arrested."

… … …