The nights grew long and dark, and the weather turned colder and gloomier. The castle and Common Room were surprisingly cozy, which was probably connected to magic in some way. The more the nights drew in and the less hospitable the weather grew, the busier the Common Room became, making Severus's weekly shower even more complicated and approximate. As December approached, Lily found herself looking forward to going home for Christmas. It was the longest she had ever been away from home, and while Hogwarts was amazing she did rather miss her family. Maybe Petunia would have come to her senses after her absence, and they would be able to finally make up. Severus was not looking forward to Christmas, though he didn't say so to Lily in as many words. He was not going home for Christmas, partially because he hated his home. He wished that Lily was staying at Hogwarts with him, but her enthusiasm at the prospect at seeing her parents made it hard for him to say so. Maybe if he had a nice warm loving family to go home to he might have felt similarly, but as it was he had felt infinitely happier at Hogwarts than he ever had at Spinner's End.
He waved her goodbye on the station platform, marvelling at how quickly time had flown by. It seemed like only yesterday that they had arrived, small children in a big crowd, on that very same platform. Once she was gone, he felt the smile fall from his face, a lonely leaden feeling replacing it as he trudged back to the Common Room to curl up alone in the corner he had until then shared with Lily. Now his only companions were books, and even they seemed somehow less interesting without a friend to share his excitement with.
Too late he'd realised that Slytherins were unpopular outsiders in the school, and that those with muggle blood were unwanted in Slytherin. But he couldn't find himself wanting to be anywhere other than Slytherin, it was still the House that suited him best despite everything. He couldn't begrudge Lily anything, even if it meant he had lost the chance to be accepted by the rest of the House. It wasn't fair, just as his life had never been fair. If she hadn't been there, then maybe he could have played up the fact that his mother was a witch and hidden his father as much as possible. He liked to pretend his father didn't exist, so it would have been little struggle to erase him from any narrative he told. But with Lily there was no choice, the truth was clear even without him saying a word. Maybe he could have denied it all, claimed his magical birthright, but to do so would have necessitated abandoning her, his first and only friend. His best friend. Nothing could ever persuade him to do that, of that he was certain.
In many ways, it was nothing new. Christmas was always a miserable time of the year for him. His parents always agued more, and so he would slip away outside to escape. At Christmas it was colder, and strangers were more likely to ask a little boy playing alone where his family or friends were, which Severus hated. Lily spent Christmas with her family, and had tried to describe the warmth and food to him, but he had failed to really understand it. The entire concept seemed too foreign, like something out of a surreal dream. The cramped house on Spinner's Lane was no warmer than the cold outside, and the food was as scarce as it always had been. Lily had tried to compare it to magic, but that hadn't made sense to Severus. Magic was clearly real, so he could understand it. The things she was trying to explain were too abstract, every detail the exact opposite of everything Severus had ever experienced. The only thing she had managed to make him understand was mince pies, but that was mainly because she had given him a slightly crushed one the previous Christmas and Severus had agreed that it was glorious.
Maybe he would get to experience at least a hint of it at Hogwarts. The family aspect was hopeless, he had long since given up on that, but Hogwarts was considerably warmer than the house at Spinner's End at least. He would have liked to spend a Christmas with Lily, but just because he hated his home did not mean she did. He knew that if his attitude to Cokeworth and his father had been different, he might have felt the same as her. As it was, despite the fact that the entire school with the exception of Lily appeared to dislike him, he still felt more at home in the castle than he ever had before. The only place that had ever compared was the large sewage pipe that ran over the river, where he and Lily had spent many afternoons sitting and talking, isolated away from the rest of the world. They hadn't really considered initially what pipe it was, as it was tightly sealed and so there were no hints, but they had both concluded that sewage was most likely. It was either that or some kind of industrial waste. Either way, Severus thought that it really provided a neat summary of his life. He rather wished it didn't.
The food at Hogwarts was also amazing. Since meeting Lily, Severus had become vaguely aware that his exposure to food had been extremely limited. Mostly he ate whatever he could scrape together from the cupboards in the kitchen and, once he'd grown old enough, whatever he could pick from the bushes. Sometimes his mother cooked, but that was relatively rare. Now that he'd actually tasted real food, his childhood seemed so lacking in flavour. His mother only really made one dish, with slight variations, and regardless of the fact that Lily would often share her food with him, that was still a limited selection that normally consisted of sandwiches.
Avery had gone home for Christmas, like most of the students, leaving Severus with Mulciber. In many ways, he rather wished that it was the other way round. Avery had seemed faintly terrified at the prospect of going home, but he seemed to be afraid of everything as far as Severus could tell. Mulciber he suspected deserved the fear reaction, though thus far nothing more than words had been exchanged. Severus suspected that he, like most of the purebloods, was perfectly capable of curses not necessarily taught to first years. He didn't particularly want to test that hypothesis. He avoided both of the boys as much as possible. Lily's company was infinitely superior anyway.
Now, however, even Hogwarts: A History had lost some of its shine. Somehow it just seemed to be duller, harder and less captivating without Lily to share with. He felt like each paragraph dragged on, and it didn't penetrate his brain properly. He also missed swapping over to read fiction, getting lost in made-up realities. The little corner of the Common Room that had felt quite cozy as they read, fish swimming tantalisingly close, now seemed a bit lonely, as if he was an outcast. All alone, unwanted, relegated to the floor.
He was also aware that he would undoubtedly have to face the prospect of washing in the cold water of the toilet taps, though he was also seriously considering just not washing until Lily returned. He hadn't realised quite how nice warm water was, but now that he did he was deeply reluctant to use cold water. The Scottish winter did not make him particularly willing to remove his robes at all, let alone to splash on freezing cold water. Using the girls' shower would be, he suspected, more difficult without Lily. He felt it was best not to try.
All in all, he missed Lily.
In many ways it was just like being back at Cokeworth, before they had become friends. Hogwarts was still a far more fascinating place, but he also had to cling harder to his resolve. Here he was once again alone and excluded. He reminded himself that it was just because he was different, and that being different made him special, just like he'd always reassured himself as a child. Just like he'd tried to explain to Lily, though she'd thought he was just being mean to Petunia. He had thought that at Hogwarts he would be normal, but he wasn't. But neither was Lily. When he had moments of wondering whether being muggle raised and having muggle blood really did make their difference a good and special thing, he reminded himself that to consider it a bad thing would tar Lily with the same brush. It was the first time he'd ever encountered the idea that anyone might dislike or look down on her, so the only logical conclusion was that they were all wrong. So in Hogwarts too they were different, a special difference that other people couldn't always appreciate. Severus was starting to suspect that much like muggles, most magical people were idiots.
When it came time for the Christmas dinner, the Great Hall had been redecorated in all sorts of festive ways. There was a giant tree, with tinsel and baubles in all four House colours. At the very top there was a large star that looked almost too big for the tree, which glowed in each House colour in turn. Severus watched it change from red to blue to green to yellow and then back to red. Paper streamers covered the walls with intricate and gaudy patterns. Large snowflakes, shining brilliant white, glittered around the room. Some even hung in the air amongst the candles that floated around the room as usual. It was breathtakingly beautiful but sadly lost on Severus who thought it was probably unnecessary. He imagined that Lily would appreciate the entire scene more than him, which made it quite a shame that it was her who was missing it.
Lucius sat down, not beside him but opposite, giving him a look that Severus had until then generally only seen directed at dog shit. He felt that was faintly unfair. He might be a little unkempt but he was at least a whole level above dog shit. He definitely smelt better, or at least he hoped so. He also suspected that someone like Lucius had never encountered dog shit. Somehow it seemed too plebeian for him to have ever existed in the same space of. Lucius was one of those people whose lives Severus simply couldn't quite imagine, it seemed so far removed from his own. Severus assumed the only real reason that Lucius had deigned to sit down near him was because the vast majority of the upper years had all gone home for Christmas and it might have looked bad to leave Severus sitting all alone on Christmas Day. Severus would have been quite happy being left alone, he had even brought along one of his textbooks that he needed to read for his holiday homework. He was actually quite proud of the fact that he had thus far gone an entire week without speaking to a single person, but he hadn't been able to tell anyone of this achievement as the only person who he felt would be suitably impressed was in Cokeworth, and also talking to people would have ruined his streak.
"Merry Christmas," Lucius said, in a tone of voice that almost suggested that he considered Christmas to have been invented as a personal insult towards himself. Judging by the look on his face, he was also distinctly unimpressed with the decor.
"Merry Christmas," Severus replied, because he did have some manners no matter what anyone said. He hadn't ever asked to check for certain, but he didn't think he'd been born in a barn. He wasn't even certain if he'd ever actually seen a barn.
"You're looking particularly unkempt," Lucius continued distastefully, as if Severus had spent the last few hours rolling around in manure for the sole purpose of annoying him. Lucius tended to have a faintly dismissive attitude towards most people, and had very strict ideas about propriety, so Severus didn't take it as particularly insulting. He regularly told Lily and Severus off for not brushing their hair properly. Severus had never before been aware that hair brushing was a thing, and had consequently had to borrow Lily's hair brush to do so. Lily hated brushing her hair with a passion that impressed Severus, and was only too glad to leave her hair brush in Severus's possession for as much as it was possible.
"Sorry," Severus said, though without much sincerity. He wasn't particularly sorry at all. He refrained from giving himself a casual sniff to check for smell, as that was slightly uncouth, but his well-mannered restraint was entirely missed by Lucius, who continued to regard him like a hairball coughed up by a cat onto an expensive rug.
"School holiday means no class, it doesn't mean you are allowed to behave like some kind of unwashed animal or commoner," Lucius said, "Despite your slightly unsavoury background, you and the carrot girl have managed to look almost civilised. That is important for House pride, so I expect you to clean yourself up tonight. I will be watching,"
Severus was glad Lily was not there to overhear herself referred to as carrot girl. He also did not appreciate the mental image of Lucius watching him like a hawk. Christmas, he had always been led to believe, was supposed to be about happiness and presents, not overbearing prefects supervising showering. He would have to use all of his cunning to get out of it. While he had a limited idea of what exactly would constitute an ideal Christmas, he was pretty confident that having Lucius watch him wash was very far down the list.
He accepted being considered to be an unwashed commoner, though he did feel that lumping them in with animals was slightly harsh. He wondered vaguely, as he had begun to do since arriving at Hogwarts, what his mother's family had been like. He knew they had been magical, but now he wondered whether they might also have been high class like so many of the other purebloods he had met. Logically, he assumed not all purebloods were members of the aristocracy, but there did seem to be some kind of correlation. It would explain a lot about his childhood, as well as being entirely unhelpful for his current situation.
He enjoyed the roast potatoes, while Lucius made a sneering comment about how incredibly plebeian the variety of potatoes used was. Severus hadn't been aware that potatoes had varieties, so he chose to not add his opinion. He thought they tasted good, but he also got the impression from the slightly horrified expression on Lucius's face that smothering them in vast quantities of salt and malt vinegar was not the most respectable way to consume them. It was either that or Lucius had something against malt vinegar, which seemed just as likely. Lucius seemed like he was hard to impress. As far as Severus could tell, the only thing Lucius was actually impressed with in the entire world was Narcissa. In comparison, everything else was treated rather like primordial slime.
"So, how is class?" Lucius asked, having entirely failed to get the memo about Christmas spirit.
"…Good," Severus replied, uncertain of how much detail Lucius wanted. Apparently, that was satisfactory, as Lucius probed no more. Severus ate his Christmas meal cautiously, feeling rather like an amoeba under a microscope. He suspected he would have enjoyed it more without Lucius's commentary, provided occasionally and without any apparent need for a response from Severus. Severus was just content to eat food, the fact that it tasted good was still a benefit he was happily adjusting to. He suspected that Lucius had never eaten mouldy bread, or he might have been more impressed with the duck. Lucius thought it was overdone and dry. Severus would have happily eaten it every day for the rest of the year.
Severus's cunning plan for avoiding Lucius once they'd returned to the Common Room failed for multiple reasons. The plan itself centred around slinking away quietly into a corner while Lucius was distracted, but left no wiggle room for what to do if Lucius was not distracted. As the major force for distracting Lucius was Narcissa, who had gone home for Christmas, he kept his focus on Severus. Most of the upper years had gone home, so they also failed to provide any kind of a distraction. This meant that Severus's attempt at slinking away surreptitiously was noticed and he found himself sitting glumly on the floor in his usual corner with Lucius standing over him, hands on hips and a distinctly unimpressed look on his face.
"Is this your idea of washing?" Lucius asked. Severus was sorely tempted to say yes, but he didn't imagine it would go down particularly well, so he wisely kept his silence.
"What is wrong with the shower?" Lucius said, in a tone that suggested as prefect he was used to all sorts of problems, all of which he found to be annoying and beneath him. Severus also got the impression that his lack of an answer was irritating Lucius, but it was not enough to make him actually provide an answer immediately. The silence stretched on, Severus glancing hopefully at the fish in the lake despite there being little chance of them providing any help. Lucius tapped his foot impatiently, clearly not used to being disobeyed. Severus rather wished he wasn't sitting down, as it meant Lucius loomed over him in a manner that made him feel even smaller than he really was.
"Mulciber said the shower is for purebloods only," Severus muttered eventually, wondering if that would be enough to make Lucius leave him alone. Lucius glared at him, as if everything in the world was Severus's fault. Severus supposed in some ways it was, as he seemed to be in the wrong just through having been born. It wasn't a particularly nice feeling.
"There's no such rule, and Mulciber's an idiot," Lucius said, before pausing. He looked at Severus with a curious expression, not dissimilar to a scientist discovering an exotic new kind of bacteria.
"Wait, how have you been washing until now?" he asked, a look of genuine interest on his face. Severus glanced at the unhelpful fish, before looking back up at Lucius. It didn't seem likely that he'd leave. If anything, he was leaning casually against the back of a sofa, neatly blocking Severus's route out of the corner and looking perfectly settled. Lucius tended to look perfect in virtually everything he ever did. Severus imagined it must take a lot of effort, though he was also leaving the possibility that it was some kind of magical ability open for the time being. He was always the first out of all the prefects to tell the younger years off for looking too scruffy or whenever their robes were in any way crooked. Both Lily and Severus appreciated that he was relatively fair in his obsession with the entire House looking as presentable as was physically possible, though Severus couldn't magically make his second hand robes new. At least, not as a first year. He was hopeful that spells like that might come later in the syllabus. Not all the prefects or teachers were quite as fair in their corrections. At the same time, both Lily and Severus hated being made to rearrange their robes or brush their hair when they failed to live up to Lucius's extremely high standards. They both felt there were far more interesting things in life to do than make sure they always looked immaculate.
"Lily's been letting me use the girls' shower," Severus answered reluctantly. He didn't feel that it was an answer that would go down particularly well.
Lucius stared at him for a few moments, as Severus carefully avoided his gaze. Then, he started laughing. Severus looked at him in surprise, unused to such a reaction. Still laughing, Lucius crouched down to bring himself to Severus's eye level. This was actually more intimidating for Severus, but Lucius seemed entirely unaware of that.
"Of course," Lucius chuckled, "You just used the girls' shower. Obviously,"
Severus looked at him worriedly, eyes wide. Laughter wasn't always a good sign. People coming near, especially when looming above him, also tended to be a bad sign in his experience. His father sometimes laughed at the things he or his mother said, seemingly to be amused before he started yelling and hitting. Severus had learnt not to let smiles or laughter lull him into a false sense of security.
"You're interesting, you and Evans," Lucius continued, still smiling, "I think I'm going to enjoy the next couple of years. You two should provide plenty of entertainment. I'm just going to have to talk to you regularly,"
Severus wasn't entirely convinced that this wasn't some kind of threat. He also wasn't entirely sure how he felt about being regarded as some form of entertainment, existing for Lucius's benefit.
Lucius sighed, shaking his head with an amused smile, "You can't continue using the girls' shower until you graduate. After fourth year boys can't enter the girls' dormitories unless they're a prefect, and even then it's only for prefect related duties. You probably won't be a prefect, let's be honest here, and anyway showering doesn't count,"
"Oh," Severus said in a small voice. He hadn't even considered anything as far ahead as being a prefect, but still being so casually dismissed hurt slightly. He supposed he could understand that it was unlikely. Neither he nor Lily had given the showers much forethought either, simply living in the moment as eleven year olds are wont to do.
"While he's at school Mulciber shouldn't let his family traditions get in the way of the honour of the House," Lucius muttered, clearly not actually offended by Mulciber's stance but more that it might possibly reflect badly on Slytherin.
"Go shower now. I expect you out of the boys' shower, dried and dressed, properly clean, within ten minutes," Lucius said sharply to Severus, in a way that made it quite clear that he didn't have a choice.
Severus knew an ultimatum when he heard one. He got them a lot from his parents. He found the best way of compromising was to do whatever the person who was currently the most frightening wanted, though there was also a certain amount of consideration required for who he liked the most. As a rule, he liked his mother more than his father, but his father was more scary. He knew that obeying Lucius ran the risk of annoying Mulciber, and in many ways that was something he wished to avoid as he slept in the same room as him. On the other hand, he liked Lucius more, though he had to admit that that was possibly just because he knew him less than Mulciber, who he had class with. Lucius also seemed to be more highly regarded in the House than Mulciber, though that might be an issue connected to age. It was entirely likely that once Lucius graduated in a couple of years the power dynamics in the House would shift.
With a certain degree of reluctance, Severus scrambled to his feet to obey the orders, heading off to the boys' shower in the hopes that Mulciber was elsewhere. He was not impressed with Christmas.