She had surely thought about telling Deacon during her pregnancy. She had even planned to, back in the beginning. Mostly, though, what she thought about were the implications of not telling him, of making the choice she'd made to keep that information from him. She'd cried every night for a year, wondering about that choice, wondering if she'd done the right thing, wondering if it was fair, grieving the loss of the life she'd wanted with him. It was the pain she remembered, all too well, that kept her from following her heart, and it was what had sort of set the tone for everything that had gone on afterwards.
It almost seemed, when she was pregnant, that it wasn't quite real. Until Maddie was born, she could almost put it out of her mind. Except that she missed him, far more than she'd ever thought she would. He'd been her life for so long. He had been her future. She'd known that the moment she'd laid eyes on him. He was in her blood. She had loved him with every fiber of her being.
That was the thing she knew would never leave her. She couldn't be with him but it didn't mean she'd stopped loving him. She'd married someone else, made a promise to him, and promised him the thing that caused her heart to shatter in a million pieces, but she still loved Deacon. She had cared for Teddy, even loved him in her own way, but she knew Deacon would never leave her heart.
She sighed. He hadn't left her heart. She'd spent the past nearly fifteen years pushing that love as far down inside her as she could. I just wanna protect myself, protect my family. I wish I could just put him off in a box somewhere and not have to think about it anymore. That's what she'd told Tandy, back after the accident, when Maddie first wanted to reach out to Deacon as a father. She had tried to protect her heart, but it hadn't worked out any better this time around. He was still there. And she was finding it harder and harder not to face up to it all.
She sighed again and looked down at her notebook.
~nashville~
When she looked at the test results and saw they were positive, she sank down on the bathroom floor and wept. She wasn't sure how long she cried, but when she finally felt like there were no more tears to cry, her head hurt and her eyes were sore and her nose was stuffy. She looked at the stick one more time and then threw it in the trash. She felt sick to her stomach and leaned over the toilet.
She laid on the floor for a long time, the tile feeling cool against her cheek. But she couldn't stay there forever, so she got up and splashed water on her face and then looked in the mirror. Her eyes were red, her face was blotchy, there were dark circles under her eyes. She breathed in deeply, tamping down the bit of remaining nausea. She thought back to that night at the cabin, that night that had been magical, followed by a morning that had been a nightmare. She'd been caught up in the romance of being back at the cabin, the place he'd bought for her, and she'd said yes to marrying him. It was all she had ever wanted. But the light of day had brought the realization she'd been fooled, again. He was passed out on the couch with a nearly empty bottle of whiskey on the table beside him. She had fled back to Nashville and had avoided Teddy for over a week, telling him she was sick. And she was sick. Heartsick.
She forced herself to think back to that night. She hadn't been prepared. She wasn't thinking the night would end the way it did. So she didn't have her diaphragm. And he didn't have a condom. And she didn't even consider whether it was the right time of month or the wrong time. She'd never made love to Teddy without being prepared. So she knew, right then, that this baby was Deacon's. But she told herself she wasn't sure.
She sat down on the edge of the tub and put her hand over her still flat stomach. It wouldn't be this way for too much longer. She wouldn't be able to hide it forever. She felt the tears well up in her eyes as she considered her options. She was positive that once she told Teddy he would break up with her. There was no way he'd want to have anything to do with her, she was sure. And Deacon, well, he was not an option either. When she'd gotten back to Nashville that day she had called Coleman and told him, in no uncertain terms, to put Deacon back in rehab. On her dime. Again. So he was in rehab for the fourth time and the thought of it made her angry.
She closed her eyes. What am I gonna do? She'd be a single mother, not something she'd planned on. There would be speculation about the father of her baby, also not something she wanted. Her private life had always been private. She had worked hard to protect herself and, for years, Deacon, from all the whispers and gossip. She refused to talk about things like Deacon's sobriety and his trips to rehab and the problems he'd caused her professionally over the years. Stubbornly refused to even acknowledge them. But a baby would be impossible not to acknowledge.
She was going to have to figure something out, but it didn't have to be that day. She needed to sit on this for a minute, try to just work through the emotions of knowing she was pregnant, before she tried to figure out what to do next.
She was almost eight weeks pregnant when she finally acknowledged to herself that she was running out of time to control the message. She needed to make some decisions and the only person she knew to go to was Tandy. Tandy had put her arms around her and made her tea and talked to her about what she was going to do.
"I think it's probably Deacon's," she said to her sister.
Tandy had looked shocked. "Deacon's? How could it possibly be Deacon's?"
Rayna looked away. "I went to the cabin," she whispered. "I ended up staying all night."
When she looked back at her sister, she saw sadness on her face. "Oh, sweetheart," Tandy said. "How long ago?"
Rayna shrugged. "A couple months ago." She looked at her sister. "Neither one of us was prepared."
Tandy's face fell. "But you've been seeing Teddy, right? So it could be his."
Rayna shook her head. "We never…." She didn't want to say it out loud, but she could tell Tandy understood. "I need to talk to him."
Tandy frowned. "Why?"
"Because he's probably the father, Tandy," Rayna said. "I have to tell him."
Tandy was silent for a moment. "There has to be another way."
Rayna shook her head. "There's not." She squeezed her hands in her lap, so tightly it brought tears to her eyes. "Teddy will never understand," she whispered.
"You don't know that, Rayna," Tandy said. "Teddy's a good man and I know he loves you very much." She sighed. "Do you really need to tell him you think it's Deacon's? Isn't it possible the baby could be his? I mean, no birth control is a hundred percent."
Rayna bit her lip and shook her head. "I just don't see how. I mean, I guess anything's possible, but I know, Tandy." She looked at her sister. "I know."
In the end, Tandy took her to try to find Deacon. She knew he'd left rehab early and Tandy drove her to his house, but he wasn't there. So they went to the cabin.
She'd been heartbroken to see him the way he was. He was drinking and destroying things, everything she'd walked away from. She didn't want to leave without telling him but Tandy had said something that had made her think twice. Do you want him to be the father? Do you have any idea what could happen to you or that baby if he was? It broke her heart to leave. She still thought she might have another opportunity to tell him, but Tandy and Teddy, together, talked her out of it.
She ultimately made the decision to marry Teddy and put his name on the birth certificate and let the world believe he was her daughter's father. She'd held her breath for a while, wondering if Deacon would remember they'd been together at the cabin. She knew, if he even suspected he might be her baby's father, he would have sought her out. When he didn't, she began to breathe easier.
She sat at the kitchen table in the condo she shared with Teddy. It was the tail end of March. She was supposed to still be out on the road but, with the baby coming, she'd had to scramble to reschedule as many of those later dates as she could. Teddy had come out with her that week after they were married. It was supposed to be their honeymoon, but he'd had to go back to Nashville early. She smiled sadly to herself, remembering how miserable he'd been. He'd tried to be a trouper, but she'd made him go home. It hadn't been fun for either of them for him to spend the whole trip in the bathroom. Poor Teddy.
It wouldn't be long before the baby was born. A daughter. She and Teddy had settled on the name Madeline Virginia, for his mother and hers. The nursery was almost ready. She wasn't, though. It should have been a happy time, preparing for the birth of her daughter, but instead she just felt heartbroken. Nothing was as it should have been and, while she was grateful for Teddy and his support, her emotions were all over the place. She couldn't blame it all on hormones though.
For so many years she had dreamed of building a life and a family with Deacon. Even at the worst of times, she was always hopeful that the next stay in rehab would be the one that stuck. That he'd find the internal strength to stay the course. But it never stuck and he'd never figured out how to make it work for the long haul and now she was married to someone else, pretending he was the father of her baby. She took a deep breath as she struggled to push down the emotions.
She sat for a moment, her hands clasped tightly in front of her on the table. Then she looked down at the notebook she'd brought in with her and laid on the table. She put her hand on top of it. A sob bubbled up in her throat and she clenched her jaw, trying to hold it in. She took another deep breath and then breathed out slowly.
She opened up the notebook in front of her. She'd scrawled out a few paragraphs, the day after she'd found out she was pregnant, and at various other times along this heartbreaking journey. Sometimes it provided her with solace, sometimes with clarity, but mostly it just memorialized her pain. She ran her hand down the first page, smoothing it out, even though it didn't need it.
I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. I wanted a family for so long with Deacon and now that it's impossible, I'm pregnant.
I did about ten pregnancy tests and they're all positive. I wish I thought that Deacon could be strong for us, but I just don't know if he can. He's in rehab for the fourth time – how many times does it take? I know maybe I should be grateful that he still tries, but what good does it do if he always fails?
I don't know what to do. Do I tell him? And if I do, then what happens? I think I end up still having this baby all by myself, without him to support us. I can't count on him. He's told me so many times that he would do this. So many that I've lost count. And he never does. He wants to, but he still never does.
I just don't know what to do.
She bit her lip as she read, feeling the same overwhelming emotions she'd felt the day she'd written it. The heartache, the weight of it all, it felt overwhelming. She'd felt like it was crushing her, crushing her soul. She had finally disentangled herself from the destruction and the pain of her relationship with Deacon and the thought of having to live with it again for the rest of her life had felt so devastating. And so she had decided not to tell him.
She put her hand on her stomach. Our baby. Mine and Deacon's. She knew it was his, had never really had any doubt, even though she'd let Teddy and Tandy try to convince her otherwise. She knew Teddy desperately wanted the baby to be his. They weren't doing a paternity test until the baby was born, but as each day went by, he'd grown more and more attached, more and more sure that, no matter what, this baby was his.
She cried herself to sleep every night, silently, over what she couldn't have. She always waited until she heard Teddy's even breathing and knew he was asleep. Then she would roll over onto her side and let the tears roll down her cheek and onto her pillow. Every single night, she cried herself to sleep, wanting it to be Deacon on the other side of the bed, wanting it to be Deacon's ring she wore on her finger.
She turned the page, remembering now when she had asked her doctor to do the paternity test.
She waited until the doctor left the exam room and then slid off the table. She took off the exam gown and laid on the table, then got dressed. She stood for a moment, running her hands over her stomach. The baby was starting to move and she was enchanted with every flutter she felt. It also caused her to wonder what it would be like if Deacon were the one to put his hand beside hers and feel the still gentle movement of their child inside her.
She took a deep breath and then, picking up her purse, opened the door and walked down the hall to Dr. Norris's office. Dr. Norris was scribbling on her chart and looked up with a smile when Rayna walked in and sat down.
"Everything is perfect," Dr. Norris said. "You could probably stand to gain a little more weight, but it's not an issue." She folded her hands in front of her. "Any questions for me?"
Rayna swallowed and nodded, then looked away. "I, uh, I need a favor," she said. She looked back at the doctor. "I, um, I'm going to need a paternity test done," she practically whispered. "When the baby's born."
"I can do that."
"I need it to be very discreet," Rayna said.
"I'll handle it myself."
Rayna twisted her fingers in her lap. "Teddy and I both decided on this," she said. "The baby, well, the baby's probably…."
Dr. Norris held up her hand and shook her head. "I don't need to know the details, Rayna," she said. "I will handle it with the utmost discretion."
Rayna felt tears in her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.
She reached up and brushed away the tears that formed even now. She and Teddy had talked about it, before they got married. He had told her he didn't need it, but she thought he'd always wonder if they didn't. But the truth was, she wanted to be sure. She had made the decision to ask about it when he wasn't with her, to save him from feeling embarrassed. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but somehow she thought it would.
She looked down at the page in front of her. There's still time. Even though Deacon's in rehab and I've married Teddy, there's still time. I could tell Deacon right now, give him time to adjust to the idea. Maybe it would make it easier. But I really think all it would do is just bring up more questions. More hurt. More disappointment.
There's a part of me that really feels like he should know. He's going to be a father and I think he'd want to know that. But Teddy's right. And Tandy's right. He's a mess. He's on his fifth rehab and there's no guarantee it will take. In fact, I'm pretty sure it won't, because it never has before. I'm not sure he'd be okay with Teddy and me raising the baby, if he knew. I think he would resent that I made decisions without him.
I feel like it would be too much for him, trying to stay sober and be a father. I still worry about him every day. I worry that one day he'll get drunk and no one will be there to help him. I can't bring a child up with that kind of uncertainty. He might hate me for this someday, but I have to do what's right for my baby. For our baby. I wish there were some way he could have a place in her life, but I just don't know how that would even work.
I wish I had confidence he could do this, but I just don't. I hate feeling that way, but I don't. I lived with this for more than ten years. I watched him fail over and over. He's been to rehab five times now and he can't make it work. I don't know if he'll ever make it work. I'm really afraid this disease is going to kill him, sooner rather than later. I think I made the right choice, for my baby and for me.
As much as I hate it, I think it's best this way. I think it's best for all of us.
She'd made him go to a six month program the last time she'd sent him to rehab. Not that she believed he could stay sober, but because he'd be away from her. Cole had told her she needed to let him go, that the only way he'd get better was to cut ties with him. That had been when she'd told him about the baby, that she was sure it was Deacon's. She remembered the look on his face, that look of sad resignation. And then he'd told her it was more important than ever that she let Deacon go. She'd gone home and cried until she made herself sick.
Deacon's home. Cole told me. I asked if he thought it would be okay if I saw him but Cole said no.
"Rayna, he's just out of rehab." Cole's voice, over the phone, sounded a little exasperated. "Remember what I told you. You cut him loose. It needs to stay that way."
"I know, but won't he expect…."
"No, Rayna. He's fragile right now. You know how that is. It's always that way just after he gets out. Seeing you won't do him any good." He sighed. "He knows you and Teddy got married and he knows you're having a baby."
"Did he ask…?"
"No. I think you're safe." He paused. "This is how it needs to be, Rayna. You know that."
I know Deacon needs to stand on his own. I want him to get well. I want him to stay sober. As much as I want to see him and as much as I flirted with the idea of telling him the truth, I can't. I know that. I can't do that to Teddy, but most of all, I can't do it to Deacon.
It never seemed to take much to put Deacon together with a bottle of whiskey. And I truly believed that if he didn't make it this time, he wouldn't make it at all. So I had to stay away, as much as it killed me to do it.
The baby will be here in less than a month. I can't wait to meet her but I'm also scared. What will happen when Teddy knows for sure she's not his? Will Deacon ever wonder? Will his memory of that night ever resurface? Would he even want to be a father? I know he had horrible role models. Would he think he couldn't do it? Would it be too much for him in the end? So many questions without answers.
I know, more than anything, that I need to protect her. That's my job. I will always keep her safe. I don't want her life to be turned upside down, which is why I'm doing this. It's not what I want. It's never been what I want. And if I ever have a chance to tell Deacon that, if it ever comes to it, I hope he'll understand and that he won't hate me forever for making this choice. But it's the only thing I could do, because she's more important than anything.
~nashville~
She sat back against the wall, letting all of that wash over her. Maddie was born just three weeks later and she had spent the whole time terrified Deacon would show up at her door, asking questions, asking if the baby was his. But he didn't. He didn't even try to see her. That should have been a relief, but instead it had hurt.
She did still wonder, at times, what might have happened if she'd just told Deacon back then, at any point along the way. Like she'd said to Tandy, maybe it would have been just the thing that would have made him stop drinking right then. Maybe the knowledge that they were going to have a baby would have been the thing that made him be the man he'd always wanted to be for her. But she hadn't had a crystal ball back then, so she couldn't have known that the last time in rehab would be the one that took. She thought that it probably was the only time she could have told him when he wouldn't have felt so betrayed. It was the only 'right' time, except that she'd been too afraid. She did finally stop thinking about that, as the years went on, that maybe she had missed the opportunity to have everything she'd ever wanted with him.
She'd put all those feelings in a little box and buried it deep down inside, the same way she'd put the paternity test results in a box and buried it in her closet. Although she hadn't buried that box deep enough, as it turned out, so maybe her feelings weren't as buried as she'd thought either. She had cried every day for a year over what she'd lost. She hated doing it, it made her feel disloyal to Teddy, but Deacon had been her world for so long and it was hard to watch it disintegrate and it was harder still to shut the door on it. Forever, she'd thought.
She looked up at the ceiling and felt the tears slowly trickle down her cheeks. She thought again about the look on his face, as they'd stood there on the porch at the cabin. She thought about the hurt she'd seen in his eyes, the pain of what she'd done. He'd been so angry, in those days just after Maddie had gone to him with the paternity test results. He'd told her he would never forgive her. And yet, in the aftermath of the accident, he'd backed off. He'd waited, until Maddie was ready. Until she was ready. It was time to face it all.
She looked back down at the notebook sprawled across her lap and bit her lip. Then she turned the page.
Thanks for all the kind reviews. I enjoy hearing your thoughts about the story.