The day Maddie was born had been both the happiest and the saddest day of her life. She had been so happy to meet her daughter for the first time, to hold her in her arms. It had been everything she'd dreamed of, holding that beautiful being for the very first time. She had felt a love she'd never known possible. But it was also the day everything became real. It was the day she knew she'd spend the rest of her life protecting her daughter. Protecting her from her own father. Her eyes were burning with tears as she thought about the internal struggle she'd had that day.
Deacon was back in Nashville then and it would have been so easy to pick up the phone and call him. It had felt like she could have told him then and they could have worked it out. But she didn't know what she would say. She had promised Teddy, of course, and then she had married him. The conflict inside her had nearly brought her to her knees. But she had stayed strong, stayed focused on taking care of her daughter, protecting her.
She sat with the notebook on her lap and thought again about all the decisions she had made, all through Maddie's life. That first year was the hardest though. She thought it was probably because, once Maddie was born, it meant she had to face what they'd done every day. Every time she looked at her daughter, she saw Deacon. It was so raw, so close to the skin then.
She swallowed hard and then looked back at the next page in her journal.
~nashville~
She'd had those Braxton-Hicks contractions off and on for several weeks. She remembered calling her doctor in a panic, thinking she was in labor, and not being ready for that. But it wasn't time and so she went about preparing things for her baby, putting the last touches on the nursery. She thought a lot about Deacon during those last few weeks. He'd finished rehab and was back in Nashville, she knew. She also knew he had to have heard she was married. And pregnant.
Once the baby was born, they would do a paternity test. Even though she was certain the baby was Deacon's, it had been an emotional rollercoaster, not knowing for sure. She wasn't sure how she was going to feel. Will I be glad she's Deacon's? Will I wish she were Teddy's instead? And if she's Teddy's, will I be disappointed? The uncertainty and the emotions were eating away at her. She was ready to know the truth, but at the same time she feared it. It would make all the decisions she'd made back when she agreed to marry Teddy and let him be the legal father of her baby, regardless of paternity, real.
The day she finally went into labor, she'd waited at home as long as she could before she let Teddy take her to the hospital. He'd been frantic, poor guy, worried they wouldn't make it to the hospital in time. But this – giving birth – this was going to make the whole thing real. She would have a baby and then she would put Teddy's name on the birth certificate. No one had to know, if he wasn't the baby's father. Legally, and publically, Teddy would be her daughter's father. She had wondered, sometimes, if there would ever be a situation where the truth would come out, but Teddy had assured her all would be fine, as long as they both honored their deal.
She was glad Teddy was there with her, holding her hand as she pushed. He'd been so strong and so supportive, so loving, throughout all of it. She'd been very lucky that he had stayed in her life, that he'd wanted to be there for her and for her baby. She'd grown to love him, in a way that she felt was a very grown-up kind of love. The kind of love you had when you built a future with someone, something solid and secure. He was her partner, both that day and in life.
When she finally held her baby girl in her arms, and looked down at her face, she had known, without needing a paternity test, that she was Deacon's. There wasn't a single thing about her that looked like Teddy. Her doctor had discreetly swabbed Maddie's mouth and they would know for sure in less than a week.
Teddy was over the moon about Maddie. She could tell he had fallen in love with her the minute he held her, and she'd felt a sense of relief. It hadn't been a given that he would accept the baby, but it seemed he had, even without knowing if she was his. She started to feel more comfortable about the whole situation, at least until everyone had left and they were all alone.
She was holding Maddie, cooing at her softly, when Teddy came to stand by her bed. She looked up at him with a smile on her face that faded when she saw the serious look on his. "What's wrong?" she asked.
He shook his head. "Nothing's wrong," he responded. "But I saw your face when you looked at her." She rolled her lips together and looked down. "Rayna, I am Maddie's father. No matter what those test results show." She looked back up at him then. "But I need your word that you will never tell him the truth. That I will always be Maddie's only father."
She felt so conflicted then. She wondered, not for the first time, whether keeping this from Deacon was wrong. "Teddy, I…." she started. Agreeing to that in the cold light of day was one thing, but now that Maddie was here and in her arms, she could feel herself waver. Nothing felt as certain, or sure, as it had before.
He frowned. "No, Rayna. There's no place in our lives or in her life" – he nodded towards Maddie – "for him. You wanted me to protect her. That's what I'll do, for the rest of her life. But only if you promise me you will never tell him." She felt a lump in her throat. "Promise me, Rayna."
She wanted to cry. This was her last chance, she knew that, to change her mind. She closed her eyes for a moment and all she could see was the pain and disappointment and turmoil her life had been for the last eleven years. This was a horrible choice, a terrible decision, but she had to put her daughter first. She opened her eyes and looked back at him. "I promise," she whispered.
Rayna waited until Teddy left, then slid off the bed. She padded softly over to the baby bed and looked down at a sleeping Maddie. She reached down and ran her index finger ever so gently over her wisps of dark hair. She had Deacon's hair. And his eyes. She felt a lump in her throat and swallowed.
Maddie's eyes were crystal blue, like Deacon's. They might not stay that way, but Rayna suspected they would. She watched Maddie sleep, her breathing shallow and even. We have a baby girl, babe. And she's absolutely perfect. She has ten fingers and ten toes. Her fingers are long, so I know she'll be a musician. She looks just like you. When I look in her eyes, I see you. I wish we could be doing this together. My heart is just broken over this.
She felt the tears well up and spill over and she turned away. She wrapped her arms tightly around her waist, screwing her face up as she struggled not to sob. She took a few deep breaths and then walked over to the bag she'd brought with her. She unzipped the side pocket and pulled out her notebook. She walked back over and peeked one more time at Maddie, then sat down on the chaise lounge and started to write.
Deacon, I had a baby girl today. She's nineteen and a half inches long and weighs seven pounds, so she'll be tall and slender, I think. She has a little bit of hair, dark brown with just a little wave to it, and big blue eyes. She has such a serious face, as she looks at me, like she's trying to figure out the world.
She's ours, babe. The world will know her as Maddie Conrad, but she's really ours and I'll always know that. I wish I could tell you about her and I wish we could talk about all our hopes and dreams for her. It breaks my heart that it can't be that way, but I have to believe you'd only want the best for her too.
Maybe one day you'll know her. I'm not sure I can ever see myself being able to tell you the truth about her though. But I promise to love her and take care of her and always keep her safe, and I know you'd want that too.
Teddy will be a good father. He loves her already and a child can never be loved by too many people. I hope you would understand that I tried to give her a stable life and a father who would take good care of her and love her the way she deserves.
This wasn't the life I had planned. I know it wasn't what you planned either. We were going to do this together someday, but we can't. And that hurts more than I can tell you. I wish this wasn't our reality. I know you'd change it if you could – I believe that, babe – but you can't. And I can't raise our daughter that way. So as much as I don't want it to be, it is our reality.
Maybe someday I can tell you about her, but I'm just not sure that will ever happen. My heart knows she's yours and that she's just this perfect blend of you and me. That may just have to be enough.
I will watch over her and try to never let her know a moment of pain. I'll give her the most perfect life I can, to make up for the fact that you're not a part of it. I'll raise her up to be good and kind and I'll fill her life with love and music, just like we would have done for her.
Thank you for her. She will always be the most precious being in my life.
She closed the notebook and then put her head down, sobbing quietly until her stomach hurt and her head hurt and she felt nauseous. In her head she heard something she remembered hearing when she was a little girl, in church – Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. It had never been her plan and she was devastated that it had come to that.
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After Teddy left to go to work, Rayna fed Maddie, then gave her a bath. She dressed her in a downy soft onesie and then held her until she fell asleep. She placed her gently in her crib and then stood for a moment, watching her. One of her favorite things to do was to watch Maddie sleep. She was thoroughly enchanted by her baby girl and loved her new role as a mama. She stood beside the crib for a long time, filled with wonder over the tiny being lying there asleep.
When she finally left the nursery, she walked down to her bedroom. She opened her lingerie drawer and reached in, sliding her hands under the stacks of bras and panties, retrieving her notebook. She went and sat in one of the chairs that was in front of the window that looked out over the pool. She opened the notebook and started to write.
The test results came yesterday. Somehow Teddy seemed surprised. Or maybe he just wanted me to think he was surprised. But there it was, in black and white. 0% possibility that he is Maddie's father. It was what I expected but he seemed so sad that I couldn't help but feel bad for him.
I asked him if it changed anything for him and he said no, but it worried me a little. But then I found him later, holding our daughter, and he told me he would never disappoint Maddie, that he would be the best father he could be and he would always love her as if she were his flesh and blood.
I cried a little, mostly because she deserves that. Her own father will probably never know her, at least not that way, and it was such a relief to know she'd have a good, stable father. He looked hurt though. I know it must be disappointing and I'm not really sure what to say to comfort him. Maddie's lucky to have him and I told him that, but the truth is, it breaks my heart a little. I promised Teddy I wouldn't tell Deacon – ever – and that feels awful. As hurt as I know Teddy is over this, I can't help but think what a terrible thing I've done to Deacon.
Tandy keeps telling me this isn't the worst thing I could do, but it sure feels like it. I know she and Daddy are cutthroat in business and that's never felt like me. I've always been honest and tried to do the right thing and now I'm not. I've made a decision that affects my daughter's life and my life and Deacon's life. And I still feel so bad about that. I know it was the best thing for Maddie, but it still makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I've never lied to Deacon before. And this will just change everything. I know it will.
She sat quietly, her hands folded across the notebook. She felt so conflicted. As much as she had loved Deacon, he had torn her life apart. For so many years, she'd thought the bravest, strongest thing she'd done was to stand by him, being there to support him. But finally, in the dark of one of the darkest nights the two of them had ever weathered together, she had known that, in fact, the braver thing was to walk away. So much of their relationship had been magic, but over time he'd destroyed it, one drink at a time, one black out at a time, one disappointment at a time, until there was nothing left.
The tears came again and she put her face in her hands. She reminded herself, though, that down the hall there was a little girl who didn't deserve to grow up in that kind of darkness and she, once again, pushed aside those feelings of regret.
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She lifted Maddie out of the car seat, balancing her on her hip, and then slid the diaper bag over her other shoulder. She looked down at her daughter and smiled. Maddie looked up at her and let out a little happy noise, waving one arm in the air while she clutched Rayna's shoulder with her other hand. Rayna's smile widened as she watched her baby. She'd made the decision to take at least a year off from touring, after Maddie was born, and she'd been afraid she'd be anxious to get back on the road. But, surprisingly, she had loved every bit of being Maddie's mama.
Bucky had been apprehensive about it too, but she had agreed to at least do an album while she was off the road. She would go back in studio in two weeks and start laying down tracks. She'd done no writing, but she'd chosen a number of songs to record from the bags of demos Bucky had dropped off for her.
As she walked into the house, she felt a vague sense of melancholy. Her band would be in studio with her. Except for Deacon. It made her wonder what he was doing. How he was doing. Cole had told her he was doing well, but she hadn't spoken to him in weeks. It made her feel disloyal, somehow, to keep asking, and she sensed it made Cole uncomfortable, so she had backed off.
She put Maddie in her bouncy seat in the den and ran her fingers over the baby's chest, eliciting sweet baby giggles. Maddie's eyes had stayed that clear crystal blue and as her hair grew in, she looked more and more like Deacon. At least to her. She tried not to dwell on it much, but it had been hard. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd picked up the phone to call him, the guilt overwhelming her, only to stop herself, unable to do it.
She walked into the kitchen to make some tea. She looked back at Maddie while she waited for the water to boil. She was almost six months old and already developing her own personality. Mostly she was a happy baby, but sometimes she would get stubborn and she would frown and set her lip. That's when Rayna could see Deacon so clearly in her. And she would wonder, yet again, about the what if's.
When her tea was ready, she walked back into the den and sat down. Maddie was starting to doze off, her head tilting over on her shoulder. She got back up and retrieved her notebook from the diaper bag, then settled back onto the love seat.
I know Deacon knows I'm married and a mama, because I know Cole told him. I guess that's why he's stayed away, hasn't called. Sometimes that hurts, but mostly I'm grateful. I'm afraid if I saw him, looked in his eyes, he would see my deception. He knows me so well, just like I know him.
It was something we learned over time, how to communicate through our music and then almost without any words. It truly felt like he was part of my soul and I know he felt the same about me. I don't have it with Teddy, that instinctive knowing. Deacon could always read me like a book.
I can't imagine that we'll never see each other again. Nashville's a small town in that way, especially in the music business. We'll cross paths, in a studio or on a stage. We'll both be at an awards show or something. But now I have time, to really figure out how to live with this.
As Maddie gets older, I wonder what will happen. Will he see her one day and recognize himself in her? Or will he just accept that she's Teddy's?
One thing I've come to realize is that Teddy's right. I can't tell Deacon, although Teddy's reasons for that are different than mine. If he's ever going to have a chance to get better, I can't let that be the thing that derails him. But it's also better for Maddie.
The truth is that my life with Deacon was a roller coaster, even without the drinking. We're musicians and our lives are hectic and ever-changing. Maddie has a chance at a real normal life, with Teddy. Even my life will be more settled, more even-keeled, and I think that's what's best for raising a child. While a part of me would love nothing more than for Deacon to know his daughter, I think the deal Teddy and I made is best for both of them.
There are still days, when I look at her, that I worry that I've made the wrong choice. When I think about the fact that I'm playing with lives and hearts and I can't drop them or break them. I learned, during my time with Deacon, how to be strong, how to make hard decisions and choices, how to hold us up. I'll have to do that now.
The knowledge of that doesn't make it easier, but it does make it make sense to me.
She stopped writing and looked over at Maddie again. Everything she was doing was for her daughter, to protect her. It could all blow up one day, but she would do everything she could to make sure it did not. She still had that underlying desire to come clean, but as every day passed, she truly felt like she had no other choice.
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Maddie turns one today. A year ago, I held her in my arms for the first time and I promised to always keep her safe. I made a decision that changed the course of her life and mine. There are days when I question myself, but I still believe I did the right thing for my daughter. The best thing.
Deacon's still sober – Cole told me – and I'm glad he's been able to stay the course. But I still hold my breath. For someone who's had to go to rehab five times, it's tenuous still, and I feel like I have to support that by not giving him more than he could handle. I still haven't seen him. I don't trust myself still. But I hate it. I wish I could at least tell him I'm proud of him, tell him I still support him.
Maddie's party is tomorrow. I think it's silly to have a party for a one year old, but Teddy is so excited about it. He's so proud of her. I have to admit that when I watch them together I know she's a lucky girl. Teddy's a good father. It didn't have to be that way, and I know it wasn't a given, so I'm always grateful for how much he loves her.
But when I look in my baby's eyes, all I see is him looking back, his eyes, his soul, his and mine together in this beautiful being we created. Oh God, if Teddy knew I felt this way, it would kill him. But I hate that I can't share this with Deacon. I just don't see any other path, not one that isn't paved with more pain, or loss. Can't stand it though. It's eating away at me, wears me down. Each day I pick up the phone to call him. Each day I lose my nerve.
I wonder if it will always be like this or if it will ever get better. But every day that goes by means it would be harder to explain what I did, why I waited. I keep reminding myself it's better this way, that Maddie will have a better life. Teddy and I never talk about it anymore and I think that's a good thing. I just don't think I can run the risk of the damage it would cause if I told Deacon.
Doesn't mean I don't want to though.
~nashville~
She wondered what would have happened if she'd put her foot down then. It was not her nature to lie, back then. It had hurt tremendously to think she'd have to keep this secret forever. Tandy was the only other person to know the truth, or so she thought at the time, and she had encouraged Rayna to see it as the opportunity to have a better life for her daughter. She knew that, but it hadn't stopped her from crying herself to sleep every night about it. It hadn't stopped her from wondering if she'd done the right thing.
There were days when it nearly killed her to keep that secret. She'd pick up the phone to call him, then lose her nerve. She'd play out the scenario in her head where she'd go to him and tell him the truth. He'd be angry, sure. He'd be hurt that she'd lied, that she'd married someone else. He'd feel betrayed. And then she'd remember what he'd done all those other times he'd been angry or felt hurt or felt betrayed. He'd drink. And they'd be right back where they started.
It had felt like the hardest thing she'd ever done, to tell herself every single day that she was doing the best thing for her daughter, that she was putting Maddie first. She told herself that enough that she started to believe it. Teddy loved Maddie with his whole heart. He was a good, loving, rock solid father. She knew how fortunate she was that he loved Maddie like she was his own. She'd chosen him and she'd chosen right. She told herself that every single day.
And mostly she had believed it.