She put the notebook down and rubbed at her temples. She felt a little stiff and she thought she needed a little break, so she pushed up from the floor and slowly made her way down to the kitchen. She filled up the kettle with water and set it on the stove to heat. She leaned back against the counter, thinking back through the past week or so, ever since she'd found out about the video Maddie had made.
Her heart hurt and her emotions felt raw. She had thought the worst of the whole reveal had been the accident. Deacon getting drunk and that whole mess. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the floor. She'd been so angry, but felt so vindicated somehow. That had always been her fear, that he wouldn't be able to handle it, that he'd get drunk, revert to form. But it occurred to her that the reason he'd gone to a bar, the reason he hadn't been able to figure out another way to handle that, hadn't really been that he'd finally found out about Maddie. It had been because she had kept that from him for all those years. It had been what she had done to him. That had been what she'd seen in his face before she'd left the cabin. The pain of what she had done to him. What had he said to her, months ago? You lost faith in me. She reached up and wiped away the tears that were trickling down her cheek.
She hadn't trusted him all those years ago, that was true. She had wanted to, but she hadn't. Yes, being pregnant had forced her hand in a lot of ways, but she had made a choice not to wait for him. To take a different path. And that path had led them here.
The whistling of the kettle broke her introspection and she turned and plucked the kettle off the stove. She reached into the cabinet for a mug and then added a tea bag, pouring water over it. She set the kettle back down and picked up the mug, carrying it to the island. She picked up her phone then, while she waited for the tea to steep, and noticed that Luke had called. Things had been unsettled between the two of them too, since he'd found out about Maddie. He'd left the studio rather abruptly, but she hadn't really given it a lot of thought at the time.
She took a breath and then hit the call back button. She forced a smile onto her face when he answered. "Hey, sorry I missed your call," she said.
She walked back upstairs and slid back down onto the floor of her closet. Talking to Luke had given her a headache. She was tired of feeling like she was refereeing all the men in her life. Why can't one of them just act like a damn grown-up? Luke still had his nose out of joint over Deacon and she was starting to get seriously annoyed by it. The last thing she needed was to have another relationship where Deacon was an unwitting third party. She'd spent fourteen years having that battle with Teddy and she did not want to do that again.
She shook her head and sighed, picking the notebook back up and opening it. She flipped through the pages until she found where she'd left off. She had finished her album 'Thoroughbred' and had two number ones before she even went back out on the road. It was her first album without Deacon, completely without Deacon, and she'd been satisfied that she could do it, even though it was never her favorite record. It was also the first album she'd released where she hadn't written a single song, not even a co-write. She'd been too caught up with Maddie, but, truthfully, she'd been uninspired.
The plan was to start touring again shortly after Maddie's first birthday and the dates were set and venues booked. She'd been in rehearsal for a month before Maddie turned one and she'd come home every day exhausted. Her heart wasn't in it and she hadn't understood why. Being onstage had been a lifeline for her for so many years. She'd never felt as alive as she did standing on the stage in front of thousands of people. She had felt emotional about returning but not in the way she'd expected.
~nashville~
I don't know if I can do this. I want to, but I'm not feeling inspired. I remember how energized I always felt, being on stage, singing in front of an audience, hearing the cheers and applause. I love it. It's in my blood. So what's going on?
She fretted over her lack of enthusiasm. She knew she could tell Teddy she was through, she didn't want to do this anymore, that she just wanted to stay home and be a mama to Maddie, and he would support her, but she also knew, deep down inside, it wasn't really that. It had come to her one afternoon when she had taken Maddie to the park. She didn't want to do this without Deacon. The music meant nothing without him.
The fact that she'd been able to produce an album, one that was successful, was because of her personal power in the music business and the loyalty of her fans. She was proud of the album and knew it was good, but it had not felt genuine the way her others had. It hadn't had that authentic feeling she'd always felt before. But the truth of the matter was that Deacon made music come alive for her. Back all the way to that night at the Bluebird, when she'd first heard him sing. When Watty had put them together and he'd helped her write her truth. She'd learned enough from him that she could do it on her own, but the passion wasn't there. It was just words and notes on a page, without Deacon.
"What are you saying, Rayna?" Bucky asked, his brow furrowed.
She took a deep breath and then she shrugged. "I'm saying that we need Deacon back. I need Deacon back," she said.
Bucky sat back in his chair. "You sure?"
She nodded. "He's been sober longer than he's ever been before. Cole says he's really committed to this. He knows me, Buck. You know that. He knows how to make me sound good." She sighed. "We would write up a contract that covers everything. Going to meetings, staying sober, consequences for not."
"What about Teddy?"
She looked down at her hands. "He won't interfere. He doesn't like it, but as long as I lay out the boundaries…." She looked back at him. "I'm doing this without his blessing, but it's my career and I've worked too hard at this and it's just obvious to me that I'm better with him in my band than not."
Bucky smiled, but she could see the uncertainty there. "If that's what you want, that's what we'll do," he said. "I'll make the call."
Deacon's coming back. Just to my band. I've been very clear with him that there are personal boundaries and he says he understands. I thought I was going to pass out, though, when I saw him. He looks good. He looks like I remember him, those times he was healthy and sober. He looked like he did back when I first met him. Older, of course, and you can see in his face and in his eyes everything he's gone through all those years, but he looks healthy. It truly took my breath away, seeing him making this work.
I had a hard time looking him in the eye for long, so sure he'd see through me. He seems different, somehow, contrite in a way, grateful for the chance, determined to prove himself. All of those things. I was really clear about him going to meetings while we're on tour, working his program. And I'll fire him if he falls off the wagon even once.
This is scary. Teddy's mad, doesn't like it at all. I get it. If I'm honest, I wish I didn't feel like I needed to do this. Because he'll also be around Maddie, which is really what Teddy doesn't like. I know Teddy's afraid, but we have a good thing right now. And Maddie loves him, adores him really. I would never take him away from her, or her from him. But Deacon will get to know her and I've decided that it'll be okay. I can feel better about not telling him about her by letting him be around her, see her grow up.
I feel sure I can handle it now. I just keep reminding myself I'm doing this for the music. That's what it's about.
She hadn't really thought through the logistics of Deacon meeting Maddie. She didn't bring her daughter to rehearsals, instead leaving her with the nanny who would travel with her when they went back out on the road. She was nervous about that first meeting and wanted to prepare herself, plan it out. So she was surprised to hear him call her name as she walked towards Sound Check, Maddie on her hip. It wasn't a rehearsal day – she was meeting Bucky to review some tour details – so he wasn't supposed to be there.
She turned. He was standing next to his truck, holding his sunglasses in his hands. Her stomach turned over and she swallowed. Maddie was winding her fingers through her hair and she reached up to disentangle them, as she watched Deacon push off against the truck and take a couple steps towards her. She tried to smile, her mouth feeling dry as the Sahara. "This is a surprise," she managed to say.
He smiled sheepishly and shrugged a little. "Yeah, I guess," he said. "I was meeting someone here who had a guitar he wanted to sell." He took another couple steps closer. She wanted to turn and run. Maddie started to babble. He pointed his sunglasses at her. "This your little girl?" he asked.
She nodded. "Mm hm." She couldn't form words.
He didn't come any closer, but his smile widened a little and she could see his eyes crinkle that way they did. "She looks just like you, Ray," he said. "I bet she looks just like you did at her age."
She breathed in slowly, willing her jangled nerves to calm down. "People say she looks like her father," she said finally. His smile faded at that. She knew he thought she meant Teddy and her heart seemed to squeeze in on itself. She forced herself to smile. "But she's still so young," she went on. "She really just looks like herself."
He nodded. "You think she's ready to tour?" She caught a little twinkle in his eye and knew he was teasing her.
She laughed a little and that felt more normal. "She would probably love to try, but since she's not talking yet, well, you know."
He gave her a small smile. "I bet she'll follow in your footsteps one day," he said quietly.
She breathed in and then out. "Maybe. But, you know, I just want her to have a normal, regular life. I don't want her to be in the spotlight. Not until she's old enough to deal with it." She made a face. "Not at sixteen, for sure."
He nodded. "You did okay, though, Rayna," he said. "You know that." He slid his sunglasses on then. "I guess I need to head out." He focused his eyes on Maddie again, seeming like he was studying her, and she held her breath. Then he looked back at her, but she couldn't see what was in his eyes. "She's a lucky girl to have you for a mama, Ray," he said. "I hope I'll get to know her better." Then he turned and headed for his truck. She stood watching him for a moment, then turned back and headed for the building.
Deacon met Maddie today. My heart was beating so hard, I'm surprised he couldn't hear it. Maybe it was better that it happened unexpectedly. I've been thinking so much about how that first meeting would go and what to do and what to say and when he actually saw her, I didn't see anything that made me think he knew. He just accepted that she was Teddy's.
Truthfully that made me a little sad. I've thought so many times about Deacon getting to meet her and in my head I would always tell him the truth. That she was his daughter. Our daughter. But, of course, I can't do that. He's doing so well with staying sober and I can't let him fall off the wagon. I can't risk that, for him or for our daughter. And I can't do it to Teddy. I know that now. I won't harm his relationship with her.
It hurts though. It hurts so much.
###################
In the beginning, she felt a little frisson of panic every time Deacon was around Maddie, sure he'd look at her more closely, see himself in her little face, but as the days and weeks and months went on, he gave no indication he didn't believe Maddie was Teddy's. And as the days and weeks and months went on, Rayna began to relax into the professional relationship, her enthusiasm for touring again increasing as time passed. She had made the right choice to bring Deacon back, as risky as it had seemed at first. She even started to relax about Maddie.
By the time the next tour came around, her fears had mostly abated. She still felt as though she needed to stay vigilant, but she stopped worrying every time Maddie ran to Deacon or every time Deacon spent time with her. She began to relax, feeling like she had made all the right decisions.
This is working. Having Deacon back in my band is working. I have to admit that the first tour made me anxious, for so many reasons, but at least the music part seemed to work almost immediately. I was right that Deacon makes me better. That's just always been true. I'm not sure I see us writing together, really, anymore, but I think I'm okay with that. I know we couldn't write the kinds of songs we used to write and I just don't know how we'd write anything that just didn't put us in an awkward place.
He's still working his program. He goes to meetings. I feel so many things about that. I'm proud of him, certainly, and I am supportive of him. But I can't deny that it feels so bittersweet. Cole told me I needed to let him go, that the only way he'd get better was to do this on his own and for himself, and it seems he was right about that. But it still hurts. It hurts that he couldn't do this when we were still together. That I didn't think he could do it at a time when we could have made our future work.
I watch him with Maddie and I can't help but feel awful about how this has all worked out. I mean, on the one hand, the two of them have the sweetest relationship. Maddie loves her 'Uncle Deacon' or 'Unca Deke', as she calls him now. Her little face lights up when he walks into a room. She watches him adoringly when he plays the guitar for her and sings. It breaks my heart a little to watch him hug her close and smile so genuinely whenever she's around.
There are definitely days when I think back to that afternoon, when I stood on the porch at the cabin with Tandy, and watched Deacon through the window. I walked away that day, certain that nothing had changed. But it did. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake not waiting one more time. Because this time, the fifth time, it took. But I also hear Cole's voice in my ear and I wonder if it was because I wasn't there. That hurts too. Because it cost us in so many ways, not the least of which is the chance to have this life with our little girl.
I pretend sometimes, in my mind, when I watch the two of them together. I pretend that Deacon is holding his daughter and that Maddie is babbling happily to her father and that, at the end of the day, the three of us will walk out of this arena or rehearsal hall together, to our home, where we will be that family Deacon and I always wanted to be. Then I remember that we're not that family. That we're just friends and work partners and that Maddie's happy to be in the arms of her 'Uncle Deacon'.
Maddie's a daddy's girl. As much time as she spends with me, it's Teddy she puts up on a pedestal. He's the one she turns to, when things are good and when she needs comfort. When I watch them together I get that warm feeling too and that's when I know that not only did I give her a good father, but a good life. I think Deacon would have wanted to do that for her, but I still believe that there would always have been that uncertainty, that little bit of worry, and I don't have that with Teddy. And that makes it easier to bear.
I wish I could tell him. Maddie's two and a half now and she's becoming her own person and I wish I could tell him that, in spite of who she calls Daddy, that part of who she is comes from him. I can see it and I'm sure Teddy can too. It pains me to watch them together and not be able to tell him, but I remind myself that I have to do what I always said I would do – protect my daughter. I don't want her to have a moment's pain in her life and so I'll take it all on me. For her sake.
###################
I'm pregnant. Teddy is thrilled, of course. And, truthfully, so am I. I wanted another baby. I wanted a brother or sister for Maddie. I wanted a child for Teddy. He's been a good husband and a good father. We have a good life, all three of us. Teddy is that stable person I was hoping for. At the end of every tour, whenever we go home on a break, he's there and he's solid and dependable and loving. All the things I ever wanted.
It was true. She was looking forward to the new baby. She and Teddy had talked about it, more than once, but the timing hadn't been quite right. She knew he wondered sometimes if she really wanted another baby and it had made her waver a little, the year before. They had been on a trip to the beach, just after Christmas that year, and Teddy had brought it up. The timing was wrong. If she'd gotten pregnant then, it would likely be right during touring season and she couldn't afford to miss a tour.
He'd been hurt, even a little angry. I'm beginning to wonder if you really do want another baby. That had hurt, when he'd said it to her, although he'd immediately apologized. But it had cast a shadow over the rest of the vacation and, when they got home to Nashville, she had wondered if she was being selfish. But being an artist was different than having a regular job. Timing was everything. She was in the period of her career that was really her prime earning years. She had platinum selling albums, number one singles, heavy radio play. She was winning CMA's, Grammy's and ACM awards. Her videos had made her the new Queen of Country Music and her tour dates were selling out. She had moved up to arenas and she was headlining. It wasn't something she could take lightly and taking time off for a pregnancy was risky.
She thought about it, though. She almost told him yes, but then Bucky had called her with the news that her latest single was number one and she was on her way to another platinum album and that he was getting calls to add more dates to her upcoming tour. So she held her ground. But she did promise to consider it the following year.
What she hadn't counted on was getting pregnant so quickly. When she counted back, she'd figured out she'd gotten pregnant just before she left to start the 'Little Bits of Heaven' tour. The baby was due in mid-October and she had promised Teddy she'd end the tour after Labor Day weekend. He wasn't thrilled that she'd still be performing that close to her due date – truthfully, she wasn't either – but it was doable and she didn't want to rework the tour.
Maddie would be thrilled, she knew. She'd been asking for a baby sister. Rayna wasn't positive that wasn't Teddy's prodding, but she let it go. She was more concerned Maddie would be disappointed if she didn't get the sister she wanted. What really gave her pause was the idea of telling Deacon.
I didn't know what to expect when I told Deacon about the baby. I'm not sure what I was hoping would happen. Did I think he'd get mad? Or sad? Did I think he'd turn away? I guess what I wanted to happen, or what I needed to happen, was for him to just accept it, be happy for me, not be hurt. And I guess that's what I got.
When I told him he congratulated me. He smiled and he hugged me. He told me he was sure Maddie would be excited to be a big sister. He asked me what it meant for the tour and for the future. I tried to look in his eyes, to see if there was some disappointment, or a feeling that…I don't know. That hope was gone, or something.
I think I was the one who was disappointed, that it didn't seem like it was that disappointing for him. But maybe he'd been prepared. I guess he might have expected it would happen someday. I just know that when he left, I felt let down, somehow. Like maybe he should have been angry or hurt, like he might have been carrying a torch for me, or something, and he'd realize that was truly over now.
But I think it was just me that felt that way. Not that I was carrying a torch, but it did sort of feel like the end. If I had ever thought maybe, one day, there could be something for us, this put an end to that. It meant I was moving on, making a real life with Teddy. Which was what I wanted. I told myself that was what I wanted. And it is. I do want that.
But I guess somewhere, buried deep, I hadn't quite put the other to rest. Not completely. If anyone were to ask me if it's possible to love two men, I would have to tell them yes, it is. But in the end, you put your trust in one. You consider the future and you take the hand of the one who can give you the future you need, not just for yourself, but for your family. And you put one aside. For good.
~nashville~
It was possible to love two men. She had loved two men the entire time she was married. She could acknowledge that now. She hadn't completely let go of Deacon, even though she had told herself she had. But she had told Teddy the truth when she'd said that Daphne had not been born into a shell of a marriage. It was a real marriage, a committed marriage, and she had given it one hundred percent. Teddy had been the man she had chosen and, although her feelings for Deacon were never completely buried, she had been satisfied with her choice. It had been the right choice, for most of their marriage.
But now she had to think about what that choice had done to her daughter, and to her daughter's father. She thought about that night at the CMA's, when Deacon had confronted her. The pain in his eyes, the hurt on his face. She had destroyed him. He'd figured it out, though. He'd worked through it. He bounced back. She bit her lip.
She wasn't at all sure what she'd thought was going to happen, back when she'd decided to marry Teddy. As hard as it had been, it had also seemed fairly simple. When Deacon never questioned her about Maddie, she'd felt like it would work. Maddie would have the life she'd always wanted for her, and Deacon, well, Deacon would be none the wiser.
I should have known better.