A/N – I feel like, at some point along the way, Rayna figured out how to compartmentalize everything with regard to Maddie's paternity. But I believe there were still times when the regret might resurface, even if she was able to manage it most of the time.
Rayna walked down the hall to Maddie's bedroom. It was already dark outside, so she stood at the door and flipped on the light switch. She leaned against the door jamb and crossed her arms as she looked around thoughtfully. Maddie's room was starting to look a little more grown-up as she herself was growing up. It hadn't been that long ago, though, that the room was still the frilly, ruffled room of a little girl. It had stayed that way, probably longer than it should, but Rayna had liked the fact that Maddie was still her little girl.
She breathed in. Maddie had started pushing boundaries about the time she became a teenager. Mostly, it was being mouthy and petulant when she didn't get her way. But then she'd found that damn paternity test and everything had changed. The mouthiness had turned to anger and rebellion. She pushed back, on everything. She had posted that song on the internet, the thing that had brought them to this latest crisis. And now that she and Deacon were starting to bond as father and daughter, Rayna could feel her pulling away, even as her own life was spiraling so out of control she couldn't keep her focus on Maddie the way she would have liked.
She pushed off the door and walked into the room. She noticed the album cover for Deacon's EP on Maddie's dresser top. She picked it up and looked at it. Deacon had signed it for her. To Maddie, You make me smile. Love, Deacon. Rayna smiled a little, as she looked at it. She flipped it over and looked at the song list, then noticed that the record was on Maddie's turntable. She put the cover down and turned on the turntable, moving the needle to play the album.
As the guitar melody and then Deacon's voice started to fill the room, she walked over to Maddie's bed and got up on it, leaning back against the pillows and stretching out her legs, crossing her ankles. She let the music fill up her mind and her soul and felt the dampness of tears in her eyes. He's really, really good.
She thought back to the album he'd cut, back in the days when they'd been together. It was a really well done album, but back then nobody saw him as anything other than Rayna Jaymes' bandleader. And the whispers had already started about his drinking and his reliability and all of that had killed his chance. She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, looking down at her hands. He deserved another shot at this and she was glad he was taking it. She sort of wished he wasn't on tour with Luke, but she would never have stood in his way. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, letting the music and the lyrics wash over her.
~nashville~
She felt the same sense of overwhelming love she'd felt with Maddie, when the nurse put Daphne in her arms for the first time. She leaned down and pressed her lips gently against Daphne's forehead. When she raised her head, she looked down at Daphne's face and saw her baby's soft blue eyes and the wisps of light reddish-blonde hair and she saw Teddy there. Not that there was any doubt about who Daphne's father was, but Rayna felt glad that she'd agreed to have another baby. As she looked at her new daughter, she would have sworn Daphne was smiling, even though she knew infants really didn't smile. But there was a look of happiness on the tiny face and she smiled joyfully as she snuggled her close.
Daphne had been a dream baby. Many of her acquaintances had told her it would be like that. Second babies are always easier. And you're so much more comfortable the second time around. It was true. Daphne had been easy, easier than Maddie, not as demanding. Teddy was over the moon about her and Maddie was thrilled to be a big sister. Whenever she looked at her family, she knew her life was perfect. Everything was exactly as it was supposed to be.
I'm not taking as much time off this time. We went back to the studio when Daphne was three months old and just after Maddie's birthday in April we'll be back out on the road. The new album feels really good. I wrote a couple songs and Deacon and I actually wrote a couple together. 'Stomping Ground' and 'American Beauty'. We actually wrote 'American Beauty' not long before Daphne was born. It was the first song we'd written together in years, since back when we were still together.
Songwriting with Deacon always came so easily and this was not quite the same. Writing a song with Deacon before was really like just pouring our hearts out to each other, putting down on paper everything we were going through and feeling at the time. It was hard to get started this time. But then Deacon said we didn't have to write something personal, just take real life and tweak it.
He's such an amazing songwriter. I've always been in awe of the way he can take something and put the most beautiful words to it. When I tried to take myself out of the personal and just make it about telling a story, it seemed to go more smoothly. I know my fans will enjoy having new Deacon and Rayna songs, but I don't know how often I'll be able to do it. Or if he can. It's hard.
Songwriting for us was always so intimate. Literally and figuratively. It always came from our souls and writing those words down almost felt like we were writing a prayer. It was always so easy, the words just would come and it almost felt like we could write songs in our sleep. And, of course, back in those days, one thing would lead to another and we almost always ended up in bed. It was hard not to give into all of those feelings we'd just written down on paper.
Songwriting together now is definitely not like that.
One day I think I'd like to do an album where I write all the songs. Something that would be very personal for me, but I don't know when that would be. Songwriting alone is harder for me than it is for Deacon. I did write a song for the girls, about how I'm their safe place. It wasn't until I had Deacon help me with the music that I realized it was also about how I felt about him, all those years we were together. How I took care of him and how I was his shelter in the storm of his life. When we finished, the air felt so heavy in the room and I could hardly breathe.
It made me feel sad, in that moment, as I looked into his eyes. The weight of my secret felt so heavy then. I was reminded then that a secret's worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept. Keeping this secret from Deacon is ever present. I don't think about it every day anymore and I don't worry so much, like I used to, but there are times, like that day, when it feels very overwhelming, because the person from whom this secret must be kept means its power is great. The power to hurt, to destroy, to devastate. And so it is worth keeping safe.
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It was the first day back on the road. Rayna always felt an extra surge of energy the first sound check. It always confirmed for her that this was where she belonged – on stage, singing her heart out for her fans. The band had headed for Atlanta the day before and she had pulled out of Nashville that morning. Maddie had come to the arena with her, while Daphne was back at the hotel with the nanny.
She was talking to Bucky when she heard Deacon's footsteps. It was funny how even his walk was so familiar to her. When Maddie shouted out "Deacon!" Bucky nodded and headed off, and she turned, a smile on her face. She watched as Maddie ran to him. He stopped, setting down two guitar cases, and grabbed her under her arms as she ran full tilt towards him, lifting her up off the ground.
"Hey, Maddie," he said, smiling at the little girl. Rayna walked up to them and he turned to her. "Hey, Rayna."
"Hey." She looked down at the second guitar case, which she now noticed was smaller and had a bow on it. "What's this?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, a little late birthday present for the birthday girl." He cut his eyes over to Maddie and winked.
Maddie gasped with pleasure. "For me?" she cried.
He nodded and then set her down, picking up the smaller guitar case. "I thought, now that you're five, you might want your own." He handed it to her and she grabbed the handle.
"Oh, Maddie," Rayna said softly. It was such a poignant gift, for Deacon to be giving her her first guitar. She felt her chest tighten just a bit.
Maddie looked up at Deacon. "Thanks, Uncle Deacon," she said excitedly.
He extended his hand towards the side of the stage. "Wanna look at it?" he asked.
"Yes!" Maddie squealed, and he looked back at Rayna, smiling. She could feel her breath catch in her throat, but she smiled back. Then she followed them so she could watch Maddie open the case.
Deacon bought Maddie a guitar for her birthday. Actually, a ukulele, but she doesn't know the difference. She was thrilled, of course, and I could see that Deacon was happy it was so well received. I couldn't help but think it might've been the kind of gift we would have given her.
I decided, back before Daphne was born, that I had to stop thinking about the what if's. It's obvious Deacon doesn't remember that night at the cabin and so it's unlikely he'll ever figure out Maddie is his. I know, of course, and Teddy knows and we've figured out how to live our lives with that knowledge. Teddy is an amazing father and Maddie adores him. I truly believe he really never gives much thought about the fact they don't share DNA. She's as much his as Daphne.
Teddy will not be happy about the ukulele, but we'll survive it. It is one of the things that I know will always tie her to Deacon – the music. It's in her blood and I believe she could no more deny it than Deacon and I can. It's who we are and we gave that to her.
I'm grateful that Deacon is doing so well. It means he has the chance to get to know Maddie and be part of her life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him the truth. I know I should but I can't figure out how I would do that without destroying us all.
So I don't. As each day goes by, the truth of that is more and more clear. As each day goes by, Maddie is more and more Teddy's daughter. And when I really think about that and wonder if it's fair, I have to remember that my main job is to take care of my girls and give them the best life I can. And I do believe this is the best life I can give Maddie.
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Maddie started kindergarten today. I made sure we could be home in Nashville so I could be here for this. She's been so excited for this, been talking about it all summer long. She told Deacon about it one day and he listened so intently to her as she talked about what she would wear and about learning to read and playing with the other children. Her face just glowed with her excitement and his eyes were sparkling as he listened to her. I could feel a pit in my stomach as I watched them. They have such a special relationship and I'm so grateful for that.
I was really afraid she wouldn't sleep last night, but I was the one who was walking the halls all night. Every time I checked in on her, she was sleeping soundly. At one point, I sat on the edge of her bed and just watched her. I found myself wishing I could share this with Deacon, our daughter's first day of school, but then I remembered that he'd been able to hear her excitement and her hopes and dreams and maybe that's enough.
When she got up this morning, she got dressed and then was almost too excited to eat. Sometimes she can be very shy and reserved and I was afraid she would be nervous, but she wasn't. She was so eager to get going. Teddy and I drove her to school and I think we were both just holding our breath that, at the last minute, she wouldn't turn around and cry and not want to go. But she was so brave. We got to walk her to her classroom and she kissed and hugged us both and then walked into the room, without a look back.
Luckily Teddy had a handkerchief, because I couldn't stop crying. I could see tears in his eyes too, but I felt such a hole in my heart. As Teddy and I walked out, he held my hand, and I couldn't help but wish it had been Deacon and me walking out together. Sending our girl off to start her life, together.
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Rayna started working on her next album after the holidays. Maddie begged to be allowed to tag along. Rayna poured cereal into a bowl and then added milk. As she handed the bowl to Maddie, across the island, she made a face. "You have school, sweetie," she said.
Maddie made a face. "Next Monday we have a teacher work day, so I'm not in school," she whined, rolling her eyes. "You need to read the school calendar, Mom."
Rayna thought about that. Maddie was in first grade and was now only going out with her on tour in the summer. Her daughter had been her constant companion, both on the road and in the studio, until she'd started school the year before, and they both actually missed that. Daphne was still young enough that Rayna wasn't sure what her musical interests, or capabilities, might be, but Maddie had shown a real affinity for singing and performance. Deacon had taught her basic chords on the little ukulele and she had already shown some skill.
It made her a little nervous, though, exposing her too much to the music business. She and Teddy agreed that they wanted the girls to have a more traditional upbringing. They wanted academics to be first and then get them involved in sports and other creative pursuits beyond just music. Although she had no regrets about her own path, she wanted her daughters to have more. The protective instincts still ran strong and deep.
Maddie was still looking at her expectantly though and she gave her daughter a tight smile. "Well, I guess if you're off school that day, yes, you can come with me if you want," she said.
Maddie smiled triumphantly. "Yes, I do want," she said smugly. She spooned some cereal in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. After she swallowed, she looked back at Rayna. "Do you think Deacon will play guitar with me?"
Rayna breathed in. That was the real reason she wanted to go. The love of the music was starting to attach Maddie more to Deacon and the thought of that was bittersweet. She smiled at her daughter. "I'm sure he will, sweet girl," she said finally. "He would love to do that."
I've gotten used to watching Deacon and Maddie together and, while I'm aware of the undercurrent there, I'm mostly just grateful that he loves her and is so good to her. He's the same with Daphne, of course, but then Daphne's still a baby, really. But he's always had a special connection with Maddie. The music thing sometimes worries me, but it's something they can share and it makes her happy, so it makes me happy.
She was so excited to walk in with me and she immediately ran to Deacon. When we're on the road, he's like her best friend and confidante and that's something that's both heartwarming and painful to see. But I focus on the positive. He makes her feel special and for that I'm very grateful.
She started wearing glasses this year and she's surprisingly self-conscious about it. For a little girl who, up to this point, had been so sure of herself, it makes me sad to see it. Deacon always tells me how much Maddie reminds him of me, with her confidence and her stubbornness. Of course, I feel like her stubbornness comes from him, but I guess there's a positive side to it, in that I'm determined. I do know that about myself. I don't give up and Maddie is like that. At least until that day we had to get glasses for her.
I think she looks adorable in them and so does Teddy. She looks so studious and smart, but she feels like she looks unattractive and dorky. I don't understand a six year old feeling like this, but we just keep telling her how amazing she is and how beautiful. And I appreciate that Deacon tells her the glasses just make her look prettier. He always knew how to charm me and I love that he's doing it for her too.
So today she was so happy to spend time with him and, as always, he was so good with her. They sat next to each other and he showed her some more chords and then played a guitar duet with her and she was practically bursting with excitement. I sat and watched them for a bit, just feeling happy to see them together. As she gets older, I know, in my heart, that this is probably all they'll have, and that makes me sad in many ways.
It wasn't supposed to be this way, but it is. I do believe that Maddie has the best of two worlds. She has Teddy, and he's so wonderful with her, and she has Deacon, who she looks up to and loves as a cherished friend. I had no idea what our lives would be like, now almost seven years ago, but I feel like things have worked out the way they should have. It could have been a disaster, but it's not, and my daughter is happy and healthy and she has many people in her life who love and adore her and I couldn't ask for more than that.
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Rayna watched as her hair stylist worked on Maddie's hair. Maddie was surprisingly calm as Rachel braided sections of her hair and pulled them back, attaching a small spray of baby's breath where they came together. But then she realized it was because Maddie had her glasses off and couldn't see clearly.
"Baby, you look beautiful," she said, smiling at her daughter.
Maddie cut her eyes over and smiled shyly. "Really?" She started to lean forward but Rachel squeezed her shoulder gently. Maddie frowned a little then. "I want to see," she said, a hint of petulance in her voice.
"Two seconds, girl," Rachel chided good-naturedly, ignoring Maddie's pique. She tucked Maddie's hair into a little bun on the nape of her neck, then stepped back. "Okay, you can look now."
Maddie slid forward and snatched her glasses off the vanity and slid them on. She turned her head side to side and bit her lip. Then she looked back at Rayna, who felt tears in her eyes as she looked at her ten year old. "I like it," Maddie said shyly. She turned to look at Rachel. "Thank you."
Rayna reached out and tapped Rachel's arm. "She looks gorgeous. Thank you so much." As Rachel left, Rayna turned back to Maddie. "Now you need to put on your pretty dress and you'll be the belle of the ball."
Maddie sighed. "Except for these glasses," she said, and looked back at her reflection in the mirror and frowned. "I wish I weren't so plain." She dropped her head. "Kids at school call me 'four eyes' and 'double vision'. And 'plain Jane'."
Rayna gasped and stepped towards her, wrapping her arms around her daughter, resting her chin on Maddie's head. "You are not plain. You're beautiful, sweet girl," she said. "Never believe any different. You're beautiful inside and out. Don't ever think otherwise. Your dad and I love you so much and we know how beautiful and amazing you are. Don't let other people tell you how to feel about yourself, okay?"
Maddie looked into her eyes reflected in the mirror and nodded. "Okay." Rayna smiled and hugged her close.
Maddie and Teddy just left for her first father-daughter dance. I know Maddie thinks she's not pretty and it hurts my heart so much. Every time I look at her, I still see this perfect combination of Deacon and me and I know there's no way she isn't lovely.
Teddy's been a wonderful father to her, but it's times like these when I still think about what it would be like for her to go through these experiences with Deacon as her father. He wouldn't be as comfortable as Teddy at a dance, although he and I certainly danced together lots of times. But I watch him around her and I can see that he loves her. And she adores him.
I feel pulled apart sometimes. I'm keeping them from having this wonder father-daughter experience but they still have a relationship with each other. He's so patient with her when she's trying to play the guitar. And he always talks to her like an adult. Always has. He's just wonderful with her. He would have gotten dressed up tonight and treated her like a princess, I know that.
But she's ten and it would blow up her world to know that Teddy's not really her father. He's been wonderful with her too and has been there for all those important moments, like this dance.
Sometimes, when I look at Deacon and Maddie, I feel almost overwhelmed by what I've done. I gave Maddie the best father she could have, but Deacon has surprised me by staying sober all these years. I can't help but wonder if things would have been different had I waited. But I can't think that way. I made the best decision I could and I committed to it. And my baby girl grew up in a warm, loving home and she's becoming a beautiful young lady.
I did my best for her and she's thriving. I'm not sure I could take that away from her. Not now.
~nashville~
She thought back to a question he'd asked her that afternoon. You ever sing her to sleep? In her mind's eye, she'd seen herself. Yes, she'd sung Maddie to sleep hundreds of times, over the course of her life. When she was a baby, she'd sing her to sleep every night. As she got older, she'd ask for a song and Rayna was happy to oblige. She'd sing Maddie to sleep when she was scared, of thunder or a perceived monster in her closet, and when she just wanted to hear her mother's voice. She thought about all the times Maddie would fall asleep with a smile on her lips, her face smooth and calm.
She looked back down at the journal on her lap. She'd had all those memories with Maddie, all the things he'd talked about, and she'd kept him from them. She could never go back and fix it. They both knew that. She'd never really thought about the hole that left in his life though. The memories he'd never have, the experiences that belonged to someone else, the missed chances to leave his mark on his daughter.
She leaned her head back against the wall and felt tears again. She swiped at them with the heels of her hands, wondering if she'd ever stop crying over it, ever stop feeling that aching pit of regret for what she'd cost him. Maddie's favorite songs were 'Sanctuary' and 'Already Gone', both songs Deacon had a hand in, to varying degrees. Maybe it shouldn't have been so difficult to have figured it out. Maybe I should have considered that this could have happened.
What might things have looked like, had she made different choices? He was right when he reminded her he'd gotten better, been better for a good long while. But it had been easier to stay with the status quo. Even if the consequences of doing that were always right around the edges of her consciousness, somehow she'd never considered that it would come to this. If she hadn't found out, Rayna, I still wouldn't know. She went back to that.
Maddie was thirteen when she found out. A good long time. Deacon had been sober Maddie's whole life. Yes, there were times when she wanted him to know, thought about what it might be like to tell them both, but she always held back. It always seemed to come back to this unwillingness to blow up their lives. And it would have been all their lives. Not just Maddie's, but hers, Deacon's, Teddy's, Daphne's. That's where she got stuck. That and the fact that she hadn't had a crystal ball. She hadn't known this would be the time that took. After she'd pulled the trigger on the choice to deceive, everything that came after felt like it was too late.
She set the journal aside, drawing her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.