Rayna climbed up on her bed, after changing into a t-shirt and shorts, and sat back against the pillows. It was late and she was tired, but she was pretty sure there would be little rest that night. She ran her fingers through her hair and then pulled it back into a ponytail, sliding the rubber band on her wrist to capture it into a messy bun. She crossed her legs under her and then opened her journal again, spreading the pages out in front of her. She leaned over and closed her eyes for a second.
She had wondered sometimes what would have happened if Teddy had never made the decision to run for mayor. She thought about that again. Their marriage had been running on autopilot for some time prior to that. The money issue had been a hurdle, but they'd survived it. She considered that a lot could have been different had she known the truth about that at the time, but she had put their family first and hadn't probed too much. But his decision to run for mayor had really shaken their foundation. Not that she wanted to place all the blame on Teddy, but it had seemed to shake something loose that first led her to that night at the Bluebird, when she and Deacon had confronted all those feelings they still had for each other, all the way to the night she'd stood on his porch, declaring her love, without thinking about the consequences.
She rolled her shoulders and then sat up straight, stretching her arms over her head. She'd surprised herself when she had ditched her plans with Liam, instead driving over to Deacon's. She had not given herself time to think about what she was doing. She had never considered that he would make sobriety work, never thought she'd ever be faced with that choice again. It had seemed so pointless that night, as she'd stood in the middle of her closet, to walk away from him, when he'd been sober all those years. She closed her eyes, thinking back on how he'd pulled her into his house and then into his bedroom. They hadn't stopped to talk or think or do anything other than just get as close to each other as they could. She remembered that when she'd finally glanced over at the clock it was after three in the morning. She was asleep moments later, until he woke her up with that nonsense about her stealing the covers. She smiled a little in spite of herself, but then she felt a sob in the back of her throat as she remembered the icy chill of reality that lodged in her stomach as she drove home later and she thought about the secret she was keeping.
I don't know why I thought I could just not tell him. But I'd promised Teddy…. Truly, though, she'd never once thought Maddie would uncover the truth. It had been so long ago when she'd buried that paternity test in a box filled with recording contracts and other legal paperwork. Not the kind of thing she would have expected her daughter to rifle through. But Maddie had been angry. She'd been blindsided first by the divorce, then by her discovery of Teddy's affair with Peggy. Then she'd overheard Rayna telling Deacon she loved him. She sighed.
Her own life had been chaotic when she was around Maddie's age. Her mother died in that car accident and her father had been mostly absent from her life. It had been a confusing time and she'd had no one really to talk to about it. Tandy had been there, of course, but she was grieving too. I should have been the one to tell her, though. And Deacon. I should have known I couldn't hold onto that secret forever.
She breathed out and, looking back down at the journal, started to read again.
~nashville~
Rayna sat on the couch across from Maddie. Daphne was curled up against her side. They were both watching Maddie, as she worked to get the right chord sequence on her guitar. Rayna smiled. It reminded her back when she was Maddie's age and was trying to play the guitar. Her mother had showed her some of the chords, but she wasn't very patient and therefore a young Rayna was left to try to figure it out on her own. She eventually got better at it, but never good enough to play a guitar on stage. She used one sometimes when she wrote, especially when she wrote on her own. She was in awe of Maddie, though. Her daughter clearly had talent, even at the age of ten.
Maddie looked up and smiled. "Okay, I'm ready," she said.
Rayna put her arm around Daphne and smiled back at Maddie. "We can't wait to hear you," she said.
Maddie played the intro and then started to sing. I take a breath and turn the key / I never guessed this would take all of me / One more look at what I'm leaving behind / This cloud of dust is my goodbye….
Teddy and I went to see Maddie in her first talent show tonight. I was so proud of her, first of all for getting up on stage and second, because she's good. I know she has talent, and a lot of it, and I've known it for a while. I guess she was born to it. But it scares me a little. Actually it scares me a lot. She's young enough, right now, that I think this is enough for her, but I feel like it won't be long before it's not. And in that way she's so much like me. Which is the part that scares me the most.
She sang one of my songs – my very first number one, Already Gone, and she sounded beautiful. She's still young, so her voice still has a childish tone to it, but I can already hear that she has a beautiful voice. I sat back and just watched her. She wore her favorite boots, along with a denim skirt and a pretty gingham blouse. She told me she wanted to look like I did on stage, so we did our best. She wore her hair in pigtails and she used the junior guitar Teddy and I had given to her on her last birthday, replacing the ukulele Deacon gave her when she was five.
As I watched her and listened to her, I couldn't help but think she'd gotten her talent from Deacon and me. Probably more Deacon than me, since she really was more skilled than me on the guitar. And that made me wish he could have been here to see her. I knew she would tell him all about it the next time she saw him, but, of course, it wasn't the same as seeing her on stage.
I found myself thinking how much of him was in her, even though they weren't together all the time. She has an intensity about her that's like him, especially when she's really working hard at something. She's got his talent, of course. She's sensitive and she sometimes has this tendency to draw into herself. I see his impulsiveness in her sometimes and that worries me. He would do things without thinking about the consequences and it often got him in trouble, especially when he was drinking. I didn't like to think about that potentially being her burden to bear at some point in the future.
I just want her to be happy and feel loved and safe. Just like what I want for Daphne. I want both my girls to have all their options available to them and to feel supported as they explore. I don't want them to go through what I did. But as I looked back at Maddie, up on that stage, singing her heart out and looking so natural up there, I knew she would probably test me. She would want what I had wanted, to explore her talent and to share it. I just hoped I'd be able to guide her wisely.
I've always told myself she is the best of both Deacon and me and I believe that. I just want to nurture that in her and make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes we did.
Our girl is amazing, Deacon. I know you love her. I imagine you would love her even more, if you knew. But I'm doing my best, to be sure she has a good life and all the things we would have given her. Thank you for giving her to me.
###################
She wants to wear makeup! My little girl wants to wear makeup! She's only twelve. She's too young.
I mean, I get it. She's starting to notice boys and she wants to look pretty. I guess I sort of hate it. I feel like she's too young for that. I just don't want her to grow up so fast. There's enough time for all the hard things in life, like people who hurt your feelings and boys who break your heart. I know she feels awkward right now and she thinks makeup will fix everything. It won't though. Boys will still break her heart. And she's such a sensitive girl already – I just don't want her to get hurt.
Teddy's so sweet about it. He always says he doesn't want her dating until she's thirty. Which is probably not going to happen. But he's that overprotective father who doesn't think any boy is good enough for her and doesn't want her to get hurt either.
I guess when I was twelve, boys were the last thing on my mind. Mom had died and I was just all caught up in my sadness over that. I remember feeling a lot like Maddie – awkward and out of place. I was so sad then and nobody wanted to be around that. Besides, everyone made fun of me for liking country music, so boys weren't interested in hanging out with the class weirdo. The difference for me, I think, was that I didn't care so much. I got really focused on music then. Which she is too.
But I don't want her to miss out on anything. I want her to have fun and do lots of things. Sports or school clubs, in addition to music. But this boys thing just really throws me. I'm just not ready for that, I don't think. I don't want her to grow up too fast.
She and Daphne were out on the bus with me during their spring break and I guess she talked to Deacon about it. He told me Maddie asked him for advice on talking to boys. I know he's her Uncle Deacon and all and she thinks of him differently than she does Teddy. She would never ask Teddy that. I asked him what he told her and he said he told her she didn't need to worry about that yet and that she was too good for any boy right now. I laughed, but it really warmed my heart to hear that. He told me he knew it wasn't up to him, but he hoped she waited, that boys could be cruel at that age.
I can't help thinking he'd make a good father. I also can't help wishing it didn't have to be this way.
###################
When she got the text from Deacon, she felt a sense of panic. Maddie's at Vanderbilt ER. Bump on the head. She's okay but a little scared. She bolted from the room, running out on Scarlett's performance, and raced for her car. She called Teddy and had to leave him a message to meet her at the hospital. Then she called Deacon and got the details. Her heart was in her throat all the way to the hospital and she finally felt a sense of relief when she saw her daughter. And then anger at Teddy for not having had control of the situation.
Deacon approached them as they watched the nurse take Maddie to get a CT scan. Teddy excused himself to make a call and she looked at Deacon, feeling exasperated. "He didn't even know where she was," she said, feeling a little emotional.
"I think you slipped out once or twice at her age," he responded. She knew he was trying to make her feel better and she appreciated it.
She laughed softly. "Yeah."
"As long as she's okay, right?" he asked.
She nodded. "Yeah. Thank you. I'm really grateful."
He frowned. "Hey, come on, she's like family." That hit her like a jolt and she turned away for a second. He turned to leave, then looked back. "Let me know how she's doing, okay?"
Maddie got hurt today. Thankfully not badly, just a bump on her head. Not even a concussion. But I'm feeling so many things about that. First, that Teddy has the girls this week and he had no idea she had gone to that pop up show. Maybe he's right and he can't know everything, but it's what I hate most about this shared custody thing. It's his week to have them and I have no control over what's happening. Thank God for Deacon texting me.
Deacon. Thank God he was there. I'm angry at Juliette Barnes for doing something so irresponsible, but at least Deacon was there and he took care of Maddie. Not that I would have expected otherwise. The two of them have a sweet relationship and he would have moved heaven and earth to help her, I know that.
When he said that about her being like family, it really punched me in the gut. I know why he said it. I've always said he was family. I still feel that way. He was all I had for so many years. He was the one I could rely on, at least when he was sober, but truthfully, even sometimes when he wasn't. He always had my back and now he has my baby's back. Our baby's back. Except he doesn't know that. This happening made me think about that all over again.
I'm so thankful it wasn't worse. And I have to admit there was a moment when I considered what could've happened if it was. What if she needed a blood transfusion, or something? What if something more serious happened to her one day? Is that how this would come to light? I had never really given that a lot of thought, but having her in the hospital, with him, took my anxiety level to the max.
I really don't want to hurt either one of them. Things as they are have worked. They're both in such good places and I wouldn't want to blow up either of their lives. So after it was over and I knew Maddie was okay, I just said a little prayer of thanks, that we got through it and that it all ended well.
He got her a stuffed animal. She's a little old for that, but he wouldn't know. But it broke my heart a little when he handed it to me.
###################
After the conversation with Tandy – the one where her sister had compared her to their father – she decided maybe she was being overly heavy-handed with the girls, Maddie in particular. It had made her go back and think about how Lamar had belittled her interest in music and practically forbade her to pursue it. Watty had given her the courage to try, he and Deacon together, which had, of course, ended with her being kicked out of the house.
She didn't want that to happen to Maddie. She didn't sense that rebellious streak in Daphne, at least not so far, but as Maddie got older she saw that perfect combination of Deacon and herself, more and more often. The love of music, the single-minded focus on it, the willingness to risk it all for the song and the stage.
I guess I should think about what Tandy said. She really does want to be like me. There was really nothing wrong with that. She wanted both her girls to finish school and go to college though, something she had not done. She wanted them to have options, all the things time and wisdom would give them. It was something she and Teddy had talked about often. They had been on the same page. But they weren't together anymore. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to groom Maddie. Slowly, of course.
The looks on the girls' faces were priceless. She'd had tears in her eyes as she watched them up on stage. Bucky had set it up perfectly and she felt her heart swell with pride as she saw their joy. As her band joined in, she could tell they both had caught the fever.
She was surprised Deacon was there. They had already finished their sound check and she thought Juliette would have been furious to know he'd hung back. She felt a little chill run down her spine as she saw how his face lit up, watching the girls. If only he knew.
I let the girls do sound check that second night in New York. They were so excited – and so good! – and it made me happy to watch them. I know I want to protect them from everything that's bad in the world but I guess I can't really do that. And if this gives them some joy, I should let them have it.
I was so proud of them. Their voices are so beautiful, which I already knew, and they harmonize so well. If they're determined to perform, I hope they'll always do it together.
Deacon came out and watched them. I thought about the fact that this was the first time he was watching his daughter perform on the stage. I feel like maybe we've really gone long past the time when it would have made sense to tell him about her. I don't even know how I would have that conversation now or how I would make him understand. He's been sober as long as she's been alive, which takes my breath away when I think about it.
So many years have gone by. He's so much stronger now, I can see it and feel it. He's finally moving on with his life, in a real relationship, and I'm happy for him. I'm so glad he's finally found his footing and that he's happy. That's all I ever wanted. I know there have been many times when I thought it would be us together and even sometimes during the last few years, I've considered it. But I'm not sure I could do it without telling him about Maddie. Or wanting to. And I'm really afraid it might destroy us if I did.
He loves both my girls and they love him, but he has a special relationship with Maddie. Always has. His eyes always light up when he sees her. Some of the best memories I have are of him sitting next to her, putting her little fingers on the guitar strings, his head leaned towards hers. My heart would skip a beat as I watched them together. Even now, she's drawn to him, whenever she and Daphne come out on the road. She doesn't see him as often now, especially since he's in Juliette's band, but he still gives her a big hug and she always asks him to listen to her play.
I think about it sometimes. How she's growing up, just now a teenager. I think he would have been good with her, but we'll never know now. I wonder sometimes about what I've done. What Teddy and I have done. Teddy's been a good father, but I can't help but think about the fact that the decision I made so long ago means Deacon and Maddie don't know how they're connected to each other. But at least he's in her life. At least he's watched her grow up and he has this wonderful relationship with her.
There's no way to know how life would have turned out. I can look at him today and tell myself maybe I made a mistake, all those years ago. Maybe he was right and I should have waited, could have waited. But putting him in a situation where he had a family and he was trying to manage sobriety at the same time – who knows? He may have failed again. We could have lost him forever. There's just no way to know. So here we are. Maddie's had a wonderful life. Deacon is sober and strong. It has to be enough.
~nashville~
She sat back against the pillows. She had mostly shielded the girls from her life before she married Teddy. Her personal life. She had never told them about her relationship with Deacon before that – it had never really come up – but with the advent of social media, it hadn't been a stretch that Maddie had found out something about it. She hadn't wanted to tell her about what their lives had been like then, how difficult it all was. She also hadn't considered that Maddie wouldn't take being told she wasn't grown up enough to hear it all very well.
She rubbed her temples. All this introspection and reliving the past was giving her a headache. She was ridiculously tired. A glance at the clock told her she likely wasn't going to get any sleep before daybreak. She sighed. She'd spent thirteen years balancing everything, holding everything and everyone together. She had walked a tightrope of lies, convincing herself she'd done it for the right reasons, too afraid to think about what might happen if that web came unraveled. And that had been her undoing, in the end. The fact that she had let others strong arm her into staying silent, that she had convinced herself it was the right thing to do, that she lied to herself by thinking it would never come to light.
The aftermath of Maddie and Deacon finding out had been all of her worst fears come true. And yet, it had also given birth to something incredibly beautiful. After the initial period where Maddie stubbornly refused to work through the truth and Deacon was terrified to walk into it, the two of them had carefully started to build that new relationship. And, if she was really honest with herself, it was everything she could have hoped for. Yes, she did still worry that Deacon could disappoint Maddie or that Maddie would revert back to being sullen and angry, but she worried less. Deacon had snapped back from disaster and Maddie had embraced the new normal.
She rolled her eyes then. Of course, Maddie was still stubborn and she would still willfully push the parameters, like she had with the video. And even though she'd been angry with her daughter, she kind of understood. Maddie had a lot to work through and she probably hadn't helped her as much with it as she should have. She had been more distracted by her label and her father's death and Luke. She'd left a lot of the sorting out to Deacon and to Teddy, which, in hindsight, was probably unwise.
She'd been complacent, she had to admit to herself. As the months and years rolled on, she'd been complacent. There were certainly times when she almost forgot, let herself believe the story she and Teddy had told all those years ago. It was easier. It had protected their family. It had protected her daughter. Now she couldn't protect her anymore. She wiped away a stray tear. Maybe Maddie didn't need protecting anymore. And maybe she needed to stop blaming Deacon for it being this way.
I'll be wrapping this up with one more chapter. Hope to get that posted next week. Thanks for reading!