A/N: As I end this story, I'm going to give it a little AU twist. Hope you like it.

So was it worth it? That's a hard question to answer. When I think about the life I gave Maddie, I still believe she had a good one, with parents who loved her and all the normal experiences a child should have. She didn't have the uncertainty of the life she could have had. Without the ability to see the future, I gave her the best life I could. And I believe that was worthwhile.

But when I consider what happened when the secret was brought to light, well, I'm not as sure. Was it worth being in a coma for two weeks? Was it worth a man losing the sobriety he'd worked so hard for? Was it worth the pain and confusion of a young girl who questioned everything she'd ever known? If I'm honest, I wouldn't have wanted any of that. For any of us. I don't know if the good outweighed the pain and hurt.

But I do know I can do something about it now. It may not fix everything, but it can be a start.

~nashville~

It had been a strange day. A strange several days. Even though she and Luke were doing the concert for the troops at Ft. Campbell, things had continued to be strained between them. He still seemed to be having trouble getting past the news that Deacon was Maddie's father and the smile he put on his face just covered up the barbs and petty arguments he seemed to pick with her in private. She was still struggling with the aftermath of the GMA appearance and reading her journal. She'd gone back to it several times, re-reading certain sections. She'd held Luke at arms' length and that wasn't making him any happier.

She hoped maybe the concert would settle things down, but it hadn't really felt like it. She was starting to question where she even wanted things to go with him. What had seemed like the perfect blend of normal and someone who would truly understand her just didn't seem quite that way in the new light of day. Someone had described Luke, in the very early days of their relationship, as Deacon without the baggage. She had given her performance smile when she heard it, but it had grated at her a little. Now, as she thought about it again, it grated at her a lot.

She was standing on the side of the stage, watching Luke do a duet with Juliette, one he'd balked at doing initially, but at least he'd relented. Now he looked like he was enjoying himself. She breathed in, but it didn't settle her vague sense of unease.

"Hey." She turned to see Deacon standing next to her.

She smiled a little. "Hey." She looked back at the stage for a moment, then at him again. "Hope everything went well with Maddie." It had been Teddy's week to have the girls, but Maddie had stubbornly pushed back, asking if she could spend some time with Deacon. Teddy hadn't been happy about it, but Rayna was glad he hadn't told her no. The truth was, Deacon was Maddie's father too and they both wanted time together. From her perspective, she and Teddy had no right to say no.

He smirked. "It was fun," he said, pausing for a moment. "She asks a lotta questions though, doesn't she?"

She looked back at him and smiled. "Uh oh."

He shrugged a little. "Kinda kicked up a lot of stuff with me. I'd love to air it out, if that's okay."

She wondered what that meant, especially in light of everything she'd kicked up for herself. She nodded. "We can do that, at some point," she said, being intentionally vague.

He kept his gaze steady. "I think right now's the time." She breathed in and looked away. He kept talking, leaning towards her, his voice low enough for just her to hear. "I told you I was never gonna forgive you for not telling me about her fourteen years ago and…I'm not." She swallowed and looked down at her feet. "Because that would mean you done something wrong. You didn't." She turned to look at him. Her heart was pounding. "You were just protecting our little girl. I finally get that. All I ever did was give you hell for it and I'm sorry." He breathed in. "I'm grateful."

As she listened, she felt a shift inside her. She shook her head. "Don't," she said.

He raised his eyebrows. "Don't forgive you?"

She felt a resolve inside that she hadn't felt until that very moment. "Don't let me off the hook." The weight of everything that had happened over that last year, and even back as far as when Maddie was born, felt like it was slipping off her shoulders. "I hurt you, Deacon. I did. I did the worst thing someone could do to someone they love." She could see tears glistening in his eyes and she felt them in her own. "You can forgive me, but don't let me off the hook."

He looked surprised, but he shook his head. "We can get past it, Ray…."

"But not yet, Deacon," she said softly. "See, this is the thing with us. You feel like you've screwed up and you have to be the one making up for stuff, but not this time. Not entirely anyway. You were right. You got sober. And I could have told you when it obvious you were gonna do it. But I didn't."

He breathed in. "Why didn't you, Ray?" he asked, but this time his voice was gentle.

"You know. I was scared. I was always afraid if I told you, you'd go get drunk."

"And I did."

She gave him a gentle smile. "But not because I told you. Because I didn't. That's on me. And the other reason was that I'd promised Teddy and he was my husband, regardless of what you think of him, or any of that." She waved her hand in the air. "So it was bigger than just you and me. I had to consider him. And Daphne." She couldn't quite read what was on his face, but she knew her words had gotten to him. She could hear Luke and Juliette winding up the song and she touched Deacon's arm gently. He looked at her. "We need to talk some more and I need to share some things with you. Can I come by tomorrow?"

He looked at her for a long moment and then nodded.

The next morning she sat in her car in front of his house for a long time before she got the courage to get out and walk up the steps. She had slid her journal into her purse before she'd left the house. She still wasn't positive exactly what she wanted to do with it, but she was sure it would be clear to her when she saw him. She stood at the door for a moment, then reached out and knocked.

"Hey," he said, when he opened the door and saw her there.

She smiled a little hesitantly. "Hey. Can I come in?"

He nodded and stepped back so she could enter. She walked in and he closed the door behind her. When she turned back around to face him he raised his eyebrows. "You wanna sit down?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I'm not gonna stay. I just, well, I just felt like we needed to talk. Or really that I needed to talk, to say some things to you." She took a deep breath and felt a quiet resolve wash over her. "I wish I hadn't said that to you. About my resentment being more than yours. That wasn't fair."

He shrugged. "I get it, Rayna. I know how I was then."

She shook her head. "I meant it when I said don't let me off the hook. We both had a part in how we ended up here."

"It ain't like we can change nothing, Ray," he said.

She breathed in and nodded. "I know. But there were so many times when I wanted to tell you about her," she said. She raised her eyebrows. "It wasn't as easy as you maybe think it was."

He shook his head. "It's okay, Rayna."

She reached into her purse and pulled out the journal, holding it out to him. "I wrote down every time I thought about it. I want you to read this. There's more than just that in here, but I just want you to read it."

He took a step back, holding up his hand. "You don't need to do this," he said.

"I want to," she said. "I want you to know. I need you to know." She took a step closer to him. "Please." He took a deep breath and then he finally took the journal from her. "Call me after you've read it. We'll talk some more then." For a half second she wanted to snatch the journal back from him, keep all that pain and hurt for herself. But she knew it was important for them to have no more secrets. She'd made mistakes too and she needed him to see those. She gave him a tiny smile, then turned and walked out of his house.

Her hands were shaking as she pushed the key into the ignition and she could feel herself shivering, not from the chill in the air, but from the release she felt after laying everything out there for Deacon to see. It scared her – terrified her, actually – to let him see what was inside all those years. He'd always known her so well, and yet he'd never figured that out, never even considered it, as far as she knew. She had put up walls that were solid, keeping all her feelings inside and masking them when she was around him. She had kept him in that box, even though there had been times when she would have liked to have not. What had started on the stage of the Bluebird, when they'd sang 'No One Will Ever Love You', had led to this. And she had no idea how he would respond.

She was a little startled to find herself outside Tandy's townhouse, but she got out of the car and jogged up the steps. Her sister looked surprised to see her when she opened the door, but she smiled. "Hey, sweetheart," she said. "What brings you by?"

Rayna took a deep, shaky breath and tried to smile. "You got a minute to talk?" she asked.

Tandy narrowed her eyes slightly and gave her sister a sly smile. "Of course," she said. "But you look like maybe you need a little more than a minute."

Rayna nodded and gave her a weary smile. "Yeah, I think maybe you're right about that."

Tandy stepped back to let Rayna enter. As she closed the door, she said, "I think it's too early for wine, but I've got coffee."

When they were settled on the love seat in Tandy's den, Tandy reached over and patted her sister's knee. "So what's up?" she asked.

Rayna took a sip of coffee, holding the mug in both hands, then sighed. "I gave Deacon my journal," she said.

Tandy frowned. "I don't understand."

"I've kept journals for years. Mostly with song ideas and lyrics, but also just about life. I mean, I can pull a lot of songs from just real life sometimes." She set her mug down on the coffee table and clenched her hands together in her lap. "I kept a journal about Maddie. All those special times in her life, all the firsts. How I was feeling, what my hopes and dreams were for her." She shrugged. "And all the times I thought about him. About Deacon and what he was missing."

"Oh, sweetie…."

Rayna looked at Tandy. "I just gave him that journal. I wanted him to read what I'd written."

Tandy sat back, looking surprised. "But why?"

"Well, you know, because he missed all that. I mean, he says he forgives me for not telling him but how could he possibly?"

Tandy looked thoughtful. "I thought you said he told you he understood he was a mess back then."

Rayna nodded. "He did. But that was just about where things were when I found out I was pregnant. But it's not ever telling him. It's letting him know her without knowing she was his daughter. When I think about that, Tandy, well, I'm just so ashamed. He has every right to call me out, to tell the world what a horrible thing I did."

Tandy frowned. "He could have said something on the GMA interview. But he didn't. You don't think he will now, do you?"

Rayna shook her head. "I don't. But not for my sake. For Maddie's. All this was done to her and she doesn't deserve to have people weigh in on her life. As hurt as he was, I think he feels the same about that. And, you know, that's what I've always wanted to protect her from." She sighed. "I really think he would have loved her and done his best to be a good father, you know? I see that now. Maybe we could have done it the way he made it sound and he could have had a place in her life."

Tandy reached over and put her hand on Rayna's. "Sweetie, it's all water under the bridge now. You just have to move forward from here."

"I know I can't change it. I can't fix it or make it up to him. I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life, you know? That I took this away from him."

Tandy nodded. "I do know. And I think you're struggling with that now."

"Maybe. A little." She swallowed hard and fought tears. "A lot."

Tandy squeezed Rayna's hand. "He's back in your life now. You knew that would happen once he and Maddie started to connect. Has it changed how you feel? About him?"

Rayna sat back a little. "Oh, you know. I'm not as angry as I was. I guess I'm really not angry at all actually. We've started to work through all the complicated stuff of being parents together. And what it's like to be in each other's lives now."

"What about Luke?"

Rayna rolled her eyes and smiled sadly. "Oh, I don't know. It seemed like it was such an adjustment for him. Still does. I think it bothers him I didn't tell him before and it bothers him that it's Deacon, and what that could mean."

Tandy sighed. "But you're over Deacon. Right?"

Rayna looked down and rolled her shoulders. "Oh, you know, it's complicated, Tandy. We've always just been so entangled, even when we weren't together. Even when I tried to push him out of my life. It's just so very complicated." She looked at her sister. "I feel unsettled, or something."

Tandy hesitated, then said, "Are you still in love with Deacon?"

Rayna pulled her knees up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. "It's all so complicated," she said again, not knowing what else to say. She thought she'd put it behind her, but time had seemed to soften all those hard edges. She had never felt the way she had with Deacon with any other man. She'd kept him close all those years, because she couldn't break the chain. And even in the aftermath of the accident, when she'd thought she was well and truly done with him, somehow they had stayed in each other's orbit.

Standing on the stage at Ft. Campbell, the day before, singing 'A Life That's Good' with Maddie, Daphne and Deacon, had felt surreal. It had not been what she'd intended. She was supposed to just sing with the girls, but Maddie had asked if Deacon could join them and she had no good reason to say no. He'd written the song after all. She could see Luke, on the side stage, trying to appear cool, but fuming inside. She had a knot in her stomach, but by the time they had finished and they stood there together, Deacon's arm around her, she couldn't deny the curl of warmth that had risen up inside her. He'd written the song for her, back at a time when all they had was each other, and it had a million sub-texts to it, even now. It had left her feeling confused and it had sent Luke into a snit. One thing she did know was that she needed to figure it out.

Am I still in love with him?

As she sat on the stone picnic table, her hands clenched between her knees, Rayna tilted her head back and closed her eyes, catching the sun on her face. This was the same place where she and Deacon used to come to talk, during those years she was married to Teddy. It was a safe place, hidden from prying eyes, where they could lean on each other for support and build a friendship. She had known his feelings for her hadn't changed, even though he'd respected her marriage and her boundaries.

They had never been just friends. From the moment they'd both laid eyes on each other, it had never been that. But she had known him in a way that was completely different from the way she'd known anyone else in her life. The intimacy they had went far beyond what they experienced in the bedroom and in those dark places where they hid from the rest of the world. She had used the word entangled to describe their relationship and it was true. She could no more toss him aside than she could stop breathing, although there had certainly been times when she had tried.

She opened her eyes and looked out over the fast moving creek. There were most certainly rivers and bridges that kept them apart, but somehow they'd never lost each other completely.

She let herself think about what kind of father Deacon might have been. Teddy had always seemed to be the perfect father. He was attentive and loving and heroic, all the things a daughter would want her father to be. He was always present and available, reading a story at night or fixing breakfast in the morning. He was stern when he needed to be. Discipline was fair and even-handed, as was Teddy himself. Deacon was filled with emotions, sometimes dark emotions, other times passionate. Deacon loved completely and gave all of himself, but when he was angry or frustrated, his emotions could be volatile.

She had watched him with Maddie though, through all the years of her life, and he had been kind and caring and patient with her. He made her laugh and laughed with her, hugged her easily, and always took time to talk to her. He wore his heart on his sleeve and she knew that wasn't always a bad thing. He would have been fiercely protective and fiercely loving.

She breathed in deeply. Deacon would have been a good father. He was a good father now. She considered that she could have tempered him, perhaps. She remembered what Tandy had said, that addiction didn't just stop overnight, but Rayna was certain, in that moment, that Deacon would have done whatever it took to have been a good and present father for their daughter.

She lowered her head, feeling the tears streak down her cheeks, and regretted the decisions she'd made that had kept him away.

She felt anxious, not hearing from him. He'd had the journal for almost a week and she hadn't heard a word. She wasn't sure if she should be worried or not. Was he angry? Was it the wrong thing to do? Did it just stir up more bitterness for him? Had he changed his mind about what he'd said at the concert? She had picked up the phone more than once, thinking she would call him just to check in, but then she'd put it down. Every time her phone rang, she practically jumped at it. But it was never him.

Then, finally, it was. When she saw his name on her screen, it felt like her heart stopped for a minute. She took a deep breath and answered. "Hey," she said, knowing she sounded a little breathless, and putting a big smile on her face.

"Hey." She found herself listening for any indication of what he was thinking, how he was feeling. She could hear him breathing on the other end. "So," he said, finally. "Why don't you come by?" She didn't hear any agitation in his voice. Or anger. Or bitterness. But she wasn't sure what she heard. Measured, even, unemotional. But she had no idea if that was good or bad.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I'll be right there."

Her heart felt like it was pounding out of her chest as she drove over to East Nashville. It had been a risk to let him read what she'd written. She knew it could have reversed all the goodwill he'd shown her that day at Ft. Campbell. Instead of keeping all of that shrouded in mystery, now it would be out in the open and she couldn't hide from it. She couldn't take it back.

As she drove, she thought about how they'd gotten to where they were now. It had all started, of course, when she'd found out she was pregnant, but she had learned how to live with it over the years. But it had all really come to a head when she'd made that fateful decision to make this same drive instead of packing to go to St. Lucia.

Tandy had tried to minimize the significance – it's a fling. Except, of course, it wasn't, because it never could be with him. Then Teddy had reminded her of her promise – honor the agreement we made the day our daughter was born. He'd warned her that there was no way she could be in a relationship with Deacon without the truth coming out. Of course, neither of them had envisioned how that would manifest itself.

She had struggled with all the voices in her head, including her own, reminding her, warning her of the danger. But it was Deacon. And she'd really never been able to completely break away from him. She still couldn't. What had drawn them together back when she was sixteen and he was nineteen had never completely been broken apart. They knew each other so intimately and she had known she was on shaky ground. Tandy reminded her – you're going to do what you've done for years, you're not going to say anything.

And she hadn't. Even Deacon's impassioned speech – you can tell me everything or you can tell me nothing at all – hadn't broken her. She'd held tight, not knowing how to even start that conversation, holding onto the hope that she could, in fact, not say a word.

When she pulled up on the street, just down from his house, she looked out the window and up towards the unassuming bungalow. There were a lot of ghosts in that place, a lot of memories, both good and bad, inside those walls. Her past still haunted that place and now, maybe, her future did too. She took a deep breath and opened the car door.

She plastered a performance smile on her face as he opened the door. "Hey," she said.

He gave her an odd look, but smiled back. "Hey." He stood back as she walked in and then closed the door behind her. The first thing she saw was her journal, laying on the coffee table. Her heart started beating hard again. She turned back to look at him. "Let's sit," he said. She walked over and sat on the edge of the couch. He sat down at the other end and then leaned forward, picking up the journal. She felt nauseous. He looked over at her. "Thanks for letting me read this. I learned a lot."

She twisted her hands together. "I just hoped, you know, it would give you an idea…." Her voice trailed off as she ran out of words.

He nodded. "It did. I read it all the way through twice." He breathed in and she could see sadness in his eyes. "I thought a lot about everything you were feeling. All that pain." He closed his eyes for a moment. "I never meant to cause you that pain. If I could do it all over…."

She nodded. "I know." She paused. "I'm sorry, Deacon. I really am. I know I made some decisions that really hurt you. And Maddie. I thought it was best for her…."

He reached over and squeezed her arm. "It was, Rayna. I mean, I don't know if I coulda done it then. Be a dad, try to make sober work. And we're working it out now, me and Maddie."

"But all those things you missed out on…."

He nodded. "I know, but it's like you said. We can't go back and change anything." He sighed. "I was really mad, for a while. It hurt, that you didn't trust me, that you kept it from me. I thought I wouldn't never get past it. But I did." He held up the journal. "This don't change that." He breathed out. "It was good to know how you felt."

She felt tears roll down her cheeks and she reached up to brush them away. "I know it's not enough."

"Hey," he said, and she looked at him. "You done a good job raising her. She's a great kid. I'm proud she's my daughter. Our daughter. And you're right, I did get to know her, see her grow up." He smiled a little. "Thank you for that."

She pushed up from the couch and walked over to the fireplace, wrapping her arms around herself. She was always so conscious, every time she was there, of their history in this place. It had been a place filled with great love, but also great pain. It had been a home, for both of them, for many years. All the history in this space, in those walls, always came to bear when she walked in. She felt a little like she didn't deserve his graciousness, but then they had hurt each other, in many painful ways, and this was another one of those. Somehow, they always found their way back. It had always been their way.

"You okay?" Deacon's voice, coming from right behind her, brought her back to the present.

She turned to face him and gave him a tiny smile. "Yeah." She breathed in deeply, then was taken by surprise by his next question.

"You happy, Ray?"

She raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged, his hands in his pockets. "You just seemed, I don't know, distracted at the show. Still do. There ain't no joy in your eyes." He breathed in. "Maddie said you seemed tense. Not yourself."

She wasn't quite sure how to respond. "I'm not sure what you're saying," she said. Actually she was pretty sure she knew exactly what he was saying. She was just still trying to process it herself.

Luke had stopped by the house and had seen the picture Maddie had given to her, the one from Ft. Campbell. She and Deacon were standing on stage with the girls and Deacon had his arm around her and she had her arm around him. "Well, now that is a good looking family," he said, an edgy tone to his voice.

"Luke," she said, a warning note in her own voice.

He just looked at her for a moment and then breathed out, shaking his head. "You know, Rayna, I've tried to be understanding about all this, but it just keeps feeling like it's hitting me over the head every time I turn around."

She looked away from him. Her own feelings were so mixed up. She'd been so sure of everything, been so sure about the two of them, right up until Maddie's video had leaked. He'd made it abundantly clear, ever since, that it had thrown him for a loop and he still seemed to be having trouble getting past it. She looked back at him then. "I'm sorry about that," she said.

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Are you?" he asked. "'Cause it doesn't really seem much like it."

She breathed out, feeling irritated. "Well, I really don't know what you mean by that, because I've done nothing but try to reassure you about it, but it doesn't seem like you believe me." She tensed up, standing rigidly, her gaze steady.

He finally looked away and ran a hand over his mouth. He put his hands on his hips and turned back to her. "You know, it's hard to believe there's nothing between y'all." He actually sounded more resigned than he did angry.

"Well, there is. I mean, we have a daughter together. And a history. And we're trying to work it out as we go." She wasn't sure what she expected him to say or even what she wanted him to say.

He sighed. "I think you do need to figure this out, Rayna. With your family. Whatever that means to you. And me? I think I need to take a step back for a minute to let you do that."

Deacon looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Seemed to me like there was tension there. Between you and Luke. After I was on stage with you and the girls."

She looked away for a second, breathing in, then back at him. "There was," she said. "Kind of." He didn't respond, just seemed to be waiting her out. She shrugged and looked down at the floor. "The news about Maddie, I guess, kind of took him by surprise." She looked back at him. She couldn't be sure, but for a second she thought she saw the twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

"You didn't tell him?" he asked.

She sighed. "I didn't want to tell the world, Deacon. I wanted Maddie to have time to process through it and figure out what it all meant for her. I wanted the two of you to have time to feel comfortable together. Somehow that ended up including him."

He raised his eyebrows and nodded, not saying anything for a moment. "So, you happy?" he asked again. Before she had a chance to respond, he continued. "'Cause I was thinking it felt real comfortable, us all being on stage together. Like a family. The way we always talked." He shrugged. "And reading what you wrote, well, I started thinking maybe we should try being happy. Together."

She couldn't help the little quiver that raced through her. But instead of fear, it felt warm. It felt comfortable. It felt like home. She bit down on her lip for a moment, then smiled at him. "Maybe we should."

THE END

As always, thanks so much for reading and thanks to those who leave reviews. Always appreciated.