Gray's notebook: Pain

one word but yet so much meaning to it. I want it to stop. Not forever even I know that's impossible, but just for a minute. So my heart can have a break. So my heart can beat at a slower pace for just a little while. But how can my pain stop for even a minute if even I no longer know where it comes from? How can I find peace if I have forgotten what that even feels like? Is it possible to fix a problem that you can't understand?

Gray closed his diary and put it under his bed. He never saw himself as a diary boy, but bad situations can make you find parts of yourself that you never even knew. Sometimes nightmares had to be remembered and written down, And thoughts that come from the darkest place in your heart needed to be taken out. Fears need to be known by yourself. For Gray, all those things were solved by his diary. It even helped him in some ways. He learned how he felt about himself and what happened to him and sometimes writing down his darkest and saddest thought was enough, and it took away the need to hurt himself. Well of course only sometimes. Actually just today. But that was good enough, he could go out with Natsu today with less guilt. He could say he was okay and actually, mean it ..well just a little bit at least. But that was enough.

Gray knocked at the door he was kind of nervous it was kind of weird being with Natsu like that after he cried in his arms like a baby. The door opened and Natsu let him in. His hair was messy and his eyes were red. It looked like he just came out of bed. "Natsu are you okay ?" "Yea sorry I'm a little sick. I'm sorry after I promised we have a fun day" " No problem, Maybe you should stay in bed?" "No ! I'm fine to let's go out!" "Okay...What would like to do?" Natsu stared blankly at Gray" Exum you chose...just make sure you have fun" "Wanna go watch a movie? "Yes sounds good to me".

Watching movies wasn't really Gray's thing to do but Natsu was clearly sick and that way he could at least rest. Maybe Natsu being sick was a sign? Maybe it meant that he wasn't supposed to be happy and that even Natsu couldn't save him from sorrow.

"Ow, there is a fun comedy playing in 15 minutes if we run we can make it." Gray looked at Natsu he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice that he was looking up movies. "Alright let's go, last one treat,s" Gray said while he started running and took the lead.

In the end, Natsu paid for the tickets and the drinks and snacks there was no way he could catch up with Gray with his motion sickness and his cold. the movie turned out to be more romantic than funny. It was kind of awkward watching with all those couples around them. " I thought you said it was going to be a comedy ?" "Sorry... I didn't know it was romance. But wasn't bad right?" Natsu didn't know why he did it. He knew it was a romantic movie for couples or for girls. It definitely wasn't for two guys to watch. At least if they were good friends like Gray and him. "Well it was actually a really good movie, It wasn't just romance, the story was great. And I don't hate romance." "Ooo really you liked it? that's good." "How's your cold?" "Fine, feeling mutch better" "Sure," "Yea but I should probably go home and sleep it off, I had fun today. I hope you enjoyed today too" "Yea its was fun, Thanks for making me go with you."

Natsu and Gray separated on their ways home when they both needed to go in opposite directions. So after that, it was just Gray again with his negative thoughts that kept on haunting him. But those small hours were he was free from his nightmares had given him something. Strength for the first time in months he had the power to fight against his mind. For the first time in months, he felt something called hope. And just for a moment, a small moment he thought that maybe he could beat this. But it was only a moment and nothing more as soon as he was home his loneliness killed it.

Gray's notebook:

I don't understand how one night can ruin my spirit. I was supposed to get better after a week and forget it forever. So why do I still feel numb? Why do even my legs and hips still feel pain? why do I feel empty for something that's over and done? Why is it still haunting me? It feels like a curse has taken me over. Every day I'm drowning in in my own pain. And the pain should be over.

Gray went to bed. He no longer knew the biggest reason for his self-hatred. Was it the shame and the weakness he felt about what happened? Our was it because he hated how sad and pathetic he was over what happened? He hated the fact that he became the type of person that harmed himself. He had everything a crush a family that loved him and that would freak out if they knew what he was doing. So why? Why didn't he stop? Why did the sadness keep on winning? But those thoughts didn't give him te power to beat this. No, they made him feel even weaker. They made him feel like he didn't deserve to be a part of the fairy tail family. Everyone had the power to beat everything the been through because of the love everyone gave to them. But he didn't. He couldn't beat this even with love.

He started to think how everyone was better of without him. In his eyes, they deserved someone stronger than him.

Note

Okay first of all sorry for updating so late. I was also drowning myself not in sadness but in love. XD I found myself a boyfriend and all my time went to him and school. But vacation has started and I have inspiration and time enough to finish this :). By the way, i'm going to give this a happy ending. this all just negative because I wanted to show what happens to a person mind when shame and self- hatred takes over. In this story, Gray is too scared and ashamed to talk about what happened to him. Because getting help in a situation like that means admitting you were raped to a lot of persons. And it's hard for Gray because that will make everything more official and means that he has to label it rape to and he knows what happened but somewhere in his head he is still denying it. and he tries to forget it. But that makes it even harder for him. Because if anyone ever gets's raped our assaulted They need to get help right away and face the problem. for some people, it's not so hard. some people don't even need help and learn how to face it right away. But denying and trying to forget won't work. and that's the message I want to give with this story. I wrote from a man's Prospective because of rape and abuse happens to males too. It happens more to the woman that's no secret. But rape with men is almost never reported our Discussed Because they feel this shame more.