The tall blades of grass were laying long shadows over him in the late afternoon sun, as he lay in the pasture behind the house. Clouds drifted lazily overhead while he stared at the blueness of the sky and tried to figure out how he felt about the fact that as of an hour ago, he had a seven year old daughter with Ellie.

The enormity of it threatened to physically push him into the ground as he attempted to untangle the knot of guilt, pride, love, grief and amazement he felt.

He had left Ellie pregnant. She had gone through Zoot knew what alone. Everything he had tried to prevent by leaving – shame, humiliation, contempt – had probably happened to her, and she had had to face it without him. That little girl had been without a father for all those years, and he had never known. Hadn't he thought about it last night, all those fathers who left their children alone in this world? He had been one of them, and he hadn't even known.

He had fathered a child – a bright, lovely, perfect child – and he went back over every second of their encounter last night and sought out every detail he could remember about the creature that he had helped bring into existence. His own obliviousness last night – when he had thought that her eyes reminded him of someone, and had not recognized them as his own – almost made him smile, before he remembered that he knew next to nothing about that child.

There was a surge of love for Ellie that he could not suppress. Dear, sweet, lovely Ellie, whom he'd loved but given up on long ago – she'd had a piece of him all this time. A flood of images of their time together rushed through him, and in a split second he understood that really, he had wanted her back, even though he had spent years telling himself that he didn't. He had been lying to himself, and he hadn't even known.

All those missed years – his chest ached as he thought of them, he had missed all of Murron's life, and Ellie's, too. He grieved for every moment of his daughter's life he had been oblivious of, and he grieved for her mother, and all that he must have cost her.

His unseeing eyes stared into the blue while he tried to wrap his mind around the enormity of what had happened. The thought of having children had never crossed his mind, and suddenly, he had one. He was close to Ellie again, but she had made it clear that she was over him, that although she didn't hate him for any of it, she didn't want him back, either. Would she even allow him in Murron's life? No, he refused to think that Ellie would keep her from it now that he knew, she would not have told him if she wasn't going to let him be part of his daughter's life. But then again, they'd done fine so far without him, she had no reason to want him around, either.

He knew beyond a doubt that he would never leave his child again, but he had no clue exactly how he felt about her mother. Rationally, he knew that the woman on the porch today was lightyears from the girl at the Mall eight years ago – he might still have feelings for the girl, but he knew nothing of the woman, nothing of what had happened ever since he had left. He had no right to want anything from her.

But the irrational part of his brain knew all the answers.

It wanted it all.

From her favorite thinking spot on an old couch in the attic, Ellie could see Luke through one of the dormer windows without his having any idea of being watched. She hadn't gone up there to watch him, but when she spied him lying in the grass, she couldn't help it. He was too far away for her to be able to make out his face and learn anything about his thoughts from his expression, but somehow his prone figure still irresistibly drew her eye.

Now that she had gotten rid of the secret that had been oppressing her for the last 24 hours, she finally had time to really think about him. All her thoughts had been revolving around his relation to Murron, but now that he knew about it, Ellie realized that really, she didn't know how she herself felt about him. She knew that she didn't love him any more, that everything that happened between them lay so far in the past that it was almost as if it never had taken place. She knew she didn't hate him, either, had never hated him. She had no idea what he really meant to her now, apart from the fact that it was thanks to him that she had Murron. She knew that he would want to stay, at least for a while, to get to know his daughter, and she could not bear the idea of denying that to him, but at the same time, she desperately wished he was somewhere far away, never to be seen or thought of again, so that she wouldn't have to try to decide how the hell she felt about him.

And then of course there was Darryl. What the hell had that been, back there at the fence? He had basically told her that he loved her. Seven years of living together, and he'd never said a word, and now that Luke turned up, boom, he decided that now would be a good time to tell her. Of course, she'd half known it for years, but she had figured that he was just as content with their friendship as she was. That was a thing that she knew for sure – she wasn't in love with Darryl. She loved him in a sisterly way, but she had no romantic feelings for her. Didn't mean she wanted him to hurt, though, and hurt he would, if Luke stayed, even if there was no romance between them.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dee asked from behind her, making Ellie jump. She sighed.

"I don't know. Everything is so... weird."

Dee laughed. "I bet. Did you get around to telling him?"

"I did, sort of. Well, Murron kind of accidentally ratted me out, but he took it as well as could be expected, I guess."

"And the reason you're up here and he's down there and Murron is blissfully ignorant in the kitchen is...?"

"That we both needed time to think, and it didn't seem like a good time to break it to her."

"Fair point."

For a while, they just sat next to each other, each sunk in their own thoughts.

"So why did he come back?"

"To see how I was doing... to get closure, I suppose."

"What's he need that for?"

"I guess... he needed it the same way that I need it with Jack. Do you realize that it's been six years since he has spoken to me?"

"Jeez, are we getting that old?" That earned Dee a playful punch in the arm. "I know, I know. Though I never understood what happened there in the first place."

"Well it's not that strange. Murron had been born on Techno island, and a little while afterwards, I'd been sent back to the city, reprogrammed... "

"Wait, what?"

"I didn't know I had a child any more." Dee's eyes were getting as large as teacups, so Ellie hastened on. "Jack and I picked up where we left off, but then when we were fleeing the new virus we ended up on that Techno island by chance, and there Cloe was, holding on to Murron, and announcing to everyone that this was my baby. Obviously, Jack totally freaked out, because he thought I'd kept that huge secret from him, but I couldn't help it, I didn't know. When we found out that the Technos had played me, he sort of tried to accept Murron as part of my life, but it didn't work for long. I'd had Luke's child and he held that against me, as well he might."

Dee was staring at her, flabbergasted. "I can't believe I never asked you about it before."

Ellie snorted. "Me neither."

Dee looked thoughtful. "I don't know, I guess when you first arrived, we were all too busy setting up shop here, and then later I always figured that Murron was Jack's and you'd had some big falling out and that's why he never came to see her."

"Do you really think Jack would have left his child with me like that and never have tried to see her? That's rather unfair."

"Guess I never really gave it any thought, there was always so many other things to think about."

"Yeah." She leaned her head against Dee. She was surprised by the older girl's next question.

"Do you still miss him?"

"Who, Luke?"

"No. Jack."

"In a way. Not in a 'I want to date you again' way, more in a 'I'm sorry I hurt you and I wish I could fix that' way."

"I think I get that."

Ellie sighed, then pulled herself together and put on a more businesslike tone. "Anyways, so there's that, that unresolved business with Jack. Then there's the fact that Luke is back and I don't know how to share my daughter with him. And on top of that, there's Darryl, who finally sort of told me he loved me, and whom I have zero intention of dating or hurting."

"Figures that he comes out with that now that daddy's in da house."

For a moment, Ellie stared at Dee, then she convulsed with laughter. "Dee, has anyone ever told you that you're completely hilarious when you do that ghetto British voice?"

The older girl smirked, then put on a deliberately posh accent. "Yes, that has been brought to my attention numerous times by my dear husband."

After a while, their laughter died down.

"Oh Dee, what am I going to do?"

"About which one of them?"

"All of them! Luke being back brings Jack back up, and obviously it brings Luke back up, and suddenly Darryl's throwing his hat in the ring too. I have no clue where to start."

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

"With Jack?"

"Do you think that if you went and fixed things with him, you could have an easier time figuring out the whole Murron and Luke and Darryl deal?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Then why don't you?"

"... because I don't dare to."

That was what she had said to Dee, and it was true. She didn't dare to go and see Jack, even though the uncertainty of how he felt about her nearly killed her. Half of her was sure that he couldn't hate her – that he didn't have it in himself to hate anyone, much less her. The other half remembered all the pain she had caused him. Neither half could get the upper hand, and it ended up like a mental ping-pong game.

All that was years ago. I was so much younger back then.

And yet here you are, still thinking about it. Like he probably is.

He can't be. He's got Ruby.

And you have Murron and Darryl and Luke to occupy your thoughts, and yet here you are, thinking about him.

Well, I caused him pain.

You still regret hurting him.

Of course I do. I behaved awfully back then. I hurt Jack, Jack of all people!

But you didn't mean to.

But I did.

He probably doesn't even think about it any more, you were kids back then.

I still think about it.

He had been so sweet about it. Not at first, of course – on the island, he had been boiling with rage. But after Amber calmed him down a little and Ram explained to him what had happened, he had been sweetness itself.

She was sitting in the sand with Murron on her lap, looking out on the waves as her child slept in her arms, one hand curled tightly around her finger. Ellie didn't even notice that someone was walking up to her, so focused was she on the movement of her baby's breathing, how it synchronized with the crashing waves, and so she was startled when someone dropped into the sand next to her.

"Amber told me what happened."

She didn't dare look up. "That was good of her."

There was a brief silence before they both started talking at the same time.

"Jack, I'm so sorry, I would have told you if I'd known..."

"I'm so sorry I shouted at you, I didn't realize..."

They both laughed awkwardly. Jack motioned for her to speak first.

"I am so, so sorry about this. If I'd had any idea, I would have told you. I know you must hate me for... for what I did, but I never meant for any of this to happen. I was... I was a total idiot for sleeping with Luke back then, it should have been you, it was always you, I love you. It was only once, and I had no idea I was pregnant, and then he left, and you were taken, and I was here... believe me, I never, ever meant to hurt you."

"I know, Ellie. I'm sorry for shouting at you."

Silence stretched out between them.

"Do you wanna know why I did it?"

"I'm not sure, do I?"

"I... I had sex with him because I felt so awful about hurting you. I felt like I had killed you, I wanted to be with Luke, but I didn't want you to hurt like that, and I felt so bad for leaving you that I couldn't bear it. So I tried to... make myself forget."

"Hm."

"I know it sounds dreadful, and I know you can never really forgive me, but... I was thinking of you. I never forgot you, Jack, never."

"Look, Ellie... I sort of get it. I mean, it nearly kills me that the only girl I ever loved had sex with someone else, but I think I get it."

"So... where does that leave us? Do you... do you want out?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. I love you, Ellie, I always have but...this is so much to take in. Give me a bit of time, and I think I'll be able to handle it."

"Of course. As long as you need."

"Thanks."

He hadn't taken as long as she had thought. The next morning, while she was feeding Murron, he had watched them with a little smile.

"Can I hold her?"

Ellie smiled at the thought. He had taken them both, had accepted that from that day onwards, there would be no being with Ellie without being with Murron. He had thrown himself into being Murron's father, had tried to make himself forget that she was not his own flesh and blood. It had been easy at first, Murron was such a bundle of gurgling, babbling joy.

But she had grown, grown every day – and her eyes, her startlingly blue eyes, exactly like Luke's, so different from both Ellie's hazel and Jack's brown ones, had started to look around herself with more curiosity with every passing day. Her face was like Ellie's, but her father's eyes were undeniable.

Jack had tried to ignore it. But Ellie watched him as bit by bit, day by day, he had looked more and more at those eyes, she had seen him recognize Luke in her child's eyes more and more the longer he looked. And there had come a day when he couldn't bear it any more.

It had been a quiet sort of goodbye. No big fights. Not even small ones.

Just a note on her dresser when he didn't come to sleep in their bed any more: "I'm so sorry, but I can't."

Two days later, she had packed up her things and her child and had left the Mall for Dee's and Patch's farm. She'd left him a note: "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

In the beginning, she'd travelled back and forth between her new home, Alice's farm, and the Mall. She'd made the trek every couple of weeks to see her sister and her old friends at the Mall – particularly Jack.

At first, it had worked fine – they had managed some sort of awkward friendship. At least, that was what she had thought – until one day, a thoughtless comment, Ellie hardly even remembered what it had been, had sparked a full-out fight between the two, and Ellie had realized exactly how much he was hurting.

Enormously, that was how much. Earth-shatteringly, bone-crushingly, never letting up.

All that time when she had thought they were moving past it, that they were maybe even beginning to really be friends, he had been aching. Every time she had spoken of her new life, of Murron, it had killed him a little inside. It was only then that she understood what he had been doing for her – he had let her go, had pretended to be all right, so that she could move on, and every fresh attempt of hers at friendship was another small death for him.

Before that, she had thought that they were sort of all right – not together any more, because of her child, but definitely still friends. But when they were shouting at each other across the room, that was when she knew that whatever they had once had was irretrievably broken and could never be repaired. And it was that which made her ache for his forgiveness all those years later: that she had hurt him even after she had left, and had not even known it.

They never spoke again – there was nothing to say any more, although every time, on the way to the Mall, Ellie promised herself that she'd try and talk it out with him, at least to make sure he was all right, at least to be sure he didn't hate her. But somehow she never did, and the more time passed, the less she could bring herself to break the silence. When she was visiting, he didn't go out of his way to avoid her – but he didn't exactly seek her out either. A few times, she caught him looking at her with those sad, hurt eyes of his, but he averted his glance as soon as he saw her looking.

Over time, a few of the Mall Rats migrated with her – first Darryl, then Lottie, and finally Gel and Sammy. They hardly ever went back these days – least of all Ellie. Gel and Sammy sometimes went to visit their old friends at the Mall, and occasionally, Amber or Trudy would visit with their families when they needed a bit of time off from the city. It was Amber who sometimes volunteered bits of information about Jack, intuiting that Ellie needed to hear about him, but wouldn't ask.

Most of the time, she didn't think about him too much any more – it had been six years since she had left, and she had other things to occupy her mind. But every so often, something would remind her of him – when Darryl wore a particularly violently colored shirt, or Patch tinkered around with some household appliance. Then it still felt like there was something missing – there was this gap in her life where Jack had been, and nobody could ever really replace him. But she couldn't get him back, either – she had missed that chance, once and for all.

So here was the reason for all her troubles: Luke, father of her child, old love, haunting mistake – back from the dead, more or less, wanting back into her life. She had understood him so well, when he had said that he needed to know that she didn't hate him – it was exactly how she felt about Jack. She didn't want him back, but she needed to know that they were somehow ok. There was no way that she could deny this kind of closure to Luke after he had gone through all the trouble of finding her.

In the end, there was nothing but to talk it out. Jack would have to wait – if she ever gathered the courage to speak to him in the first place – while Luke had to be taken care of now. They needed to talk about how to handle things, at least for the foreseeable future. And then she needed to tell Murron.

Luke first, though.