Ellie barely made it to her own room before she broke into tears. The image of Murron and Luke, staring at each other, recognizing their kinship, burned in front of her inner eye. She was glad for Murron to be happy, to finally have met the father she had always dreamed about, but at the same time, her own heart was breaking. She would never be alone with her little girl again, there would always be Luke now – a virtual stranger to her.

It had been plain that, in some mysterious way, Murron and Luke understood each other without words, knew that they somehow belonged together. How they had come to that realization, Ellie barely knew, but she had seen it in her child's eyes when they had bored themselves into Luke's. Of course, rationally, Ellie knew that this didn't mean that Murron would love her any less – but it felt like a piece of herself was being torn out, it was much, much worse than any heartbreak she had felt when she had lost Luke or Jack. This was her own flesh, which was not only her own any more. Any connection she had had to any other person paled in comparison to the bond she had with her child.

She curled up on her bed and sobbed quietly, hoping to god nobody would see her this way. She didn't want to be weak. She wanted to be all right with all this, she wanted for her child to be happy, she didn't want to begrudge her that happiness. More than anything else, she wanted to be that good person who could accept that her child had always wanted a father, and that, at least for a little while, Murron would be mesmerized by this new person in her life. Ellie knew that Luke wouldn't try to take Murron away from her, but she had also seen in his eyes – when their daughter had led him into the light to study his face – that he wanted, really wanted, this daughter.

It was nothing compared to sharing Murron with Darryl – Darryl, who had gone through thick and thin with her, Darryl, who loved the both of them, Darryl who had helped raise Murron almost as if she were his own. Ellie knew that he almost wished Murron really to be his – but somehow, she never had been. Darryl was like a favorite uncle to Murron, one who taught her things and gave her gifts, but in a way, Murron had taken her tone from Ellie – as long as he was no more than a close friend to Ellie, he never was more than a close friend to her daughter. Knowing Murron loved Darryl had never been a burden – because she never loved him as well as she loved her mother.

Of course, it was selfish to feel that way. But Ellie couldn't help it.

And yet, I let her meet him, because I knew she wanted to. I'd rather be in here, in pain, than out there, knowing that Murron wants to know her father and that I am withholding him from her.

She didn't hear the knock on her door, but she felt the bed shift when someone slid in next to her and put his arm around her. For a moment, she flinched away, but then Darryl's earthy smell filled her nostrils as he held her.

"It's all right. I'm not hitting on you. I'm just here for you."

Ellie rolled over and clung to him as she cried her eyes out. "I didn't know it would be this hard."

"Shhh, I know. But it's going to be all right." He kissed the top of her head and tucked her against his chest.

"Darryl, please tell me I'm doing the right thing."

He shrugged. "I don't know what that is."

"I'm a mother. And I'm allowing my only child to love a stranger, because it's what she wants. Please tell me that this is the right thing to do."

His arms tightened around her. "You know how I feel about that. But she's your daughter. Only you can really know."

"I'm so sorry, Darryl. I know it's hard for you too. But you can imagine how much harder it is for me."

She felt him nod and run his hands over her back in soothing circles, and fisted her hands in his shirt to bring him closer as she gave herself over to her tears. He gripped her tighter and let her cry herself out. This was not the moment to try and win her over, to try and make her see what she should have seen years ago – that he was hers. This was the moment to let Ellie grieve the fact that she was no longer the only parent in Murron's life, for better or for worse.

After a while, her sobs quieted, but she still held on to him as if she were drowning and he was a life-raft. "Make me feel better, Darryl. Make this stop."

He knew then and there that it was a bad idea – that it was going to mess everything up even worse than it already was, but he never could say no to Ellie.

So he kissed her.

For a second, she didn't react, but then she kissed him back as if her life depended on it – her hands releasing the front of his shirt and snaking into his hair, her body pushing itself into his, her lips parting hungrily. It felt like she was consuming him – burning right into his soul in her quest to soothe her pain.

He knew all too well what this was – it was raw need, the need to feel loved, but he also knew that she still didn't love him. Even as he groaned and shuddered when her tongue met his, he knew that this did not mean she had changed her mind about him – just that she desperately needed to feel close to someone. In a way, he was glad it was himself – at least, he was spared the knowledge that that stranger, who had already taken so much from them, was also taking Ellie. It was better to at least have this than to have nothing at all. It was better to at least be the one she turned to for comfort, than to be just the friend who had to watch as she moved on. He could not allow himself to hope for anything more. He could just try to pleasure her, to make the pain go away for a little while.

Their bodies entwined, he pushed those thoughts away, at least for a little while. For just a few minutes, he would let himself pretend that Ellie really wanted him, that this wasn't about numbing her pain, or about quelling a brief need for intimacy. Drowning out the voice in his head that told him that this was a Really Foolish Thing to do, he buried his hands in the back pockets of her pants, pulling her groin towards his and grinding into her. He was rewarded with a sigh that reverberated against his mouth and breathed in her hot breath.

It had been so long since he had last been allowed to kiss her – years and years. He would damn well enjoy it as long as it lasted.

When her hands found their way under his shirt and began tugging it up, he knew that it was time. He couldn't go through that again – making love to her knowing that this was only a distraction from her real problems to her. He could only take so much.

Gently, he disengaged himself from her. "Ellie. Stop. We can't do this."

Her eyes snapped open. For a moment, she stared at him, wild-eyed. Then, he saw understanding set in.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Darryl. I should never have..."

He silenced her by kissing her lightly. "It's all right, I started it. I don't mind kissing you to make you feel better. But I'm not going to make love to you. Believe me, I want to. But I have limits, you know."

She scrambled up, as far away from him as the narrow bed would allow. "I'm SO, so sorry Darryl. I wasn't thinking straight, I shouldn't have... Please don't..."

"Don't worry, Ellie. I'm not getting my hopes up. I know you weren't really kissing me. You were just... cheering yourself up."

"I'm so sorry. This really wasn't fair of me."

"No, it's all right. At least I get to kiss you every now and then when you're feeling bad, that's better than nothing."

"No, it's not, it's really not ok. It's not fair of me to use you like this."

He had to put a stop to this. "Ellie, shut the hell up. I kissed you, and I knew what I was doing. I'm not stupid, I know that if you haven't started loving me by now, you never will. But I'd much rather have this – that sometimes, you turn to me – than have nothing at all. I'm an adult. I can handle it."

With that, he got up and walked towards the door. With his hand on the door knob, he turned towards her once more. "Don't worry, Ellie. I know you're never going to love me the way you love Murron, or the way you loved Luke and Jack. Just... let me go on loving you. That's all I'm asking for."

He was gone before Ellie could think of something to say to that.

Ellie laid back on the bed and sighed. What the hell was she doing?

Repeating old mistakes, a traitorous voice in her head said. Wasn't this what had led her where she was right now? That when she had felt bad about hurting Jack, she'd tried to numb the pain by sleeping with Luke? And she'd done it again when Jack and her had broken up that second, final time – she'd tried to make herself forget by sleeping with Darryl.

What kind of a person did that make her?

A girl who uses other people to make her feel better about herself, the mean little voice whispered.

It hadn't been quite the same thing with Luke – she really had loved him, but she'd still slept with him for all the wrong reasons. But Darryl... there was no excuse for that. Especially now – when just a couple of hours earlier, he had basically told her that he loved her. He knew how she felt about him, and yet he'd kissed her, because she'd practically begged him to.

God help me, I'm breaking his heart, and he's letting me.

The guilt almost paralyzed her. It even drove Murron and Luke out of her mind, and for a good half-hour she continued to run circles in her head around the fact that she had kissed Darryl without any deeper feeling than a need to forget about what her daughter and her ex-lover were up to in the room next door.

A knock at her door interrupted her musings, and she called out for whoever it was to come in.

Lottie pushed open the door with her elbow and shoulder, carefully carrying a vase with a budding hyacinth in it.

"Darryl told me to give you this, and to tell you to stop obsessing, that everything is going to be all right."

Ellie stared at the proffered flower. Trust Darryl to remember that – that the smell of hyacinths calmed her down like nothing else. The heavy scent of the blossoms wafted into her consciousness and recalled her mother's kitchen, conversations with her father, little confidences to Alice on the sofa. Hyacinths, smell of my childhood. She smiled as she buried her nose in the purple petals and let the heady aroma wash away the troubles. Of course Darryl was right. It was going to be fine.

She set the vase down on her bedside table and looked at Lottie. "Thank you, dear."

The girl sat down next to the woman. "That's all right, Darryl found it. What's going on, anyways? What's going to be all right?"

"It's complicated."

Lottie rolled her eyes. "Ellie, I'm eighteen. I may spend most of my time with kids, but I'm not a kid any more."

A smile tugged on Ellie's lips as she elbowed the younger one lightly. "Sorry. I know that. I'm just still trying to get my head around it myself."

"Well, Ruby always used to say that talking things over helps understand them better."

"Guess she's right."

Nothing happened. Lottie gave Ellie a push. "Spit it out."

"Well... long story short, Luke, the guy who arrived last night, is Murron's dad who I never thought I'd see again and who had no clue he had a daughter. He and Murron are in her room right now, getting to know each other. Also, Darryl has decided that now is a good time to tell me that he's in love with me, but that he's cool with just being friends with benefits if that's all he's going to get. Which makes me feel like a monster, because I don't love him, even though he deserves it."

"Wow." Lottie let herself fall backwards onto the bed. "You're in deep shit."

Ellie shrugged. "You don't have to tell me. I don't know what I feel worse about, suddenly having to share Murron with Luke after all this time of having her to myself, or this thing with Darryl. I really wish I loved him, life would seem much easier."

"From what I gather, it never is."

That drew a small laugh from Ellie. "Yeah, I know. I just kind of wish I knew what to do." She watched the younger girl stare up at the ceiling, and it was a few minutes before Lottie spoke.

"Don't feel bad about Murron – she'll always be your daughter, no matter what. And Darryl... leave him to me."

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged. "I mean it's about time that guy realizes that I'm not twelve any more – and that I've liked him ever since I was that old."

Ellie nearly fell off the bed. "What? I had no idea! Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Lottie shrugged again. "It's not a big deal, I just like him. I always figured I had no chance – before, I was too young for him, and I got so used to not having a chance with him that there never seemed to be a point to telling anyone."

"Oh Lottie, I wish you'd told me!"

The girl rolled over onto her stomach and rested her chin on her hands. "As I said, there never was a point. I watched all of you fall in and out of love, I figured out ages ago that you can't make anyone love you – so I just kept quiet about it. Besides, he never had eyes for anyone but you." Ellie was surprised at how little bitterness there was in Lottie's voice.

"So what changed?"

There was a mischievous smile on the dark-haired girl's face. "Your baby-daddy turned up. If that doesn't turn Darryl off you, nothing will."

For a second, all Ellie could do was gape at the girl dumb-founded. Then, they both burst out laughing, and she affectionately tousled the brunette head. "Trust you to find something positive about this!"

"Let's just hope it works. I'm damn tired of being the only serious single around here."