Author's note: It's been a good four years since I last updated, and for that, you have my sincere apologies. I felt I'd painted myself into a corner and so I abandoned the story for the longest time. I hope you enjoy the update anyway - and I do plan on finishing the story in the foreseeable future. Let me know what you think!
Morning dawned crisp and cold, a hint of frost in the air, and found Ellie already up and nursing a cup of tea in the farmhouse's kitchen. She hadn't got much sleep, too keyed up about the upcoming day. There was no point in waiting around any longer to get started – the longer she dawdled, the harder it would get to go through with it. She left a note for Alice and Ryan to take care of Delilah – there was no safe place to leave a horse in the city – and set off towards the Mall. She'd get there by mid-morning, even on foot. They had done the trek several times a week during the occupation by the Chosen, when they had been made to work their own land for the Chosen's gain. Unbidden, the image of Luke floated back into her mind – her first real contact with him, when he had caught her with those leaflets and had let her go rather than make the example of her the Guardian had wanted. At the time, Ellie had only thought of her luck, and been grateful that the man had been stupid enough to allow her to go back to her little revolution. It was only much later that she began asking herself why he risked his own neck to save her.
Like he had saved Jack. She wondered if he ever regretted doing that. But no, Luke clearly still carried the weight of the Chosen crimes on his shoulders, he would be glad about anyone he saved, no matter how inconvenient that person became to Luke's personal life. Ellie had never quite understood how he came to believe that every single crime the Chosen had committed was somehow his fault, but then again, she reasoned, other people didn't get her guilt about Jack, either, so they were pretty even on that score.
The Mall loomed up in front of her, the bins out front still smoking, as they had been every day of her life there. But the rolling gates were no longer kept shut, and the Mall's central court was once more teeming with a small market, as it had been in the early days. She kept to the shadows at first, although she knew perfectly well that no harm could come to her there – the Mall had long been a place of peace, even if the city as a whole was still the tumultuous place it had been for over ten years. Amber, Jay and Salene had managed to wrangle an agreement out of all tribes in the city: the Mall was neutral territory, and the Mall Rats, while they had no ambitions to lead the city, were respected as one of the oldest surviving tribes. People turned to them for trade and, if needed, fair judgement, and in turn, the Mall Rats stayed out of other tribes' business unless they attacked each other. Even though most survivors of the original virus could now comfortably be called adults themselves, the city had never quite returned to its old ways – although electricity and running water were restored, most inhabitants still preferred the chaotic tribe life to the lives they had known when the adults still ruled the world.
She steeled herself and walked towards the stairs with more confidence than she truly felt. There was no point in skulking in the dark – she had to get through this, one way or another. Still, she was glad the Mall Rats' meeting space had migrated back upstairs – the market that had grown around the central court had pushed the private spaces of all Mall Rats back to the first and second floors. She didn't miss the feeling of always being ready to bolt she had got when she sat in the downstairs café, no matter how much safer Amber and Pride had thought being close to the exit was. It was no longer necessary to be prepared to run at any given minute – after Mega's failed attempt to dose the whole city with a new virus, there had been no more megalomaniac attempts at total control.
The central staircase had never seemed so long when she was a teenager, but then again, a lot more weighed her down now than when she had run up and down these stairs when she was 15. But it wasn't, after all, a very long climb – and she stood at the top before she was close to ready. It was little Bray who discovered her first and barreled towards her shrieking "Auntie Ellie!" at the top of his voice. Trudy and Amber, who had been enjoying a late-morning coffee at one of the tables, were quick to follow the little boy, and curious heads were popping out of doors on both sides of the gallery. If Ellie had hoped for a stealthy, understated approach, she had definitely failed spectacularly.
Chaos reigned for a few minutes while she accepted hugs from Amber and Trudy while Bray hung off her back, crowing, and then Salene, Brady and Jay rushed at her after the first wave of greetings was over. A chorus of "welcome back" and "we weren't expecting you" and "it's been too long" made it unnecessary – and really, impossible – for her to say anything for a good long while. She was ushered to a table, coffee was poured, food was offered (and declined), and Ellie started to feel supremely guilty that she hadn't visited the Mall in such a long time. Sure, Amber and Trudy visited her sometimes with their children, but she hadn't seen Salene in over three years, and even though Jay and Ram weren't her favorite people in the world, seeing them here among their loved ones was a reminder of everything they had gone through together and done for each other. Suddenly, it seemed awfully selfish never to visit the Mall and to have everybody come to her just because she had some hangups over one inhabitant – who was, incidentally, standing right in front of her.
Somehow, Ellie had half-expected Jack not to be there at all, yet here he was – pulling her up into a hug and giving her a kiss on the cheek. She was so dumbfounded that she barely registered Ruby leaning in for a hug, too, and accepted it numbly. Her face must have shown her confusion, because Jack laughed as he poured some coffee for Ruby and himself. "It's good to see you, El. It's been forever."
Slack-jawed, Ellie could do no more than stare at him. This was definitely not what she had expected – the last time she had seem Jack, a good five years ago, he had stared at her morosely from across the gallery while she said her goodbyes to the other Mall Rats. She knew from Amber that Jack and Ruby had become an item two or three years ago, but other than that, all she had heard about him were occasional updates about his tinkering with the contraptions he had always loved, and his running of the power station with the help of volunteers. Somehow, despite hearing largely positive news about him for the past several years, it was still the brooding, miserable Jack she saw in her mind's eye – the man sitting opposite her, arm casually thrown around his partner, was the picture of contentment and relaxation. It threw her for a loop and left her torn between relief that she had apparently not ruined his life and something that felt an awful lot like resentment – it didn't seem quite fair that after all her agonizing over how to approach him, he just seemed completely fine with seeing her.
The chatter around them died down a little, and Ellie realized that everyone was looking at her expectantly – she'd clearly missed chunks of the larger conversation while ogling Jack.
Amber laughed. "I was just saying that having you back here after such a long time calls for a bit of a celebration. It's been a while since we've had a party." There was a general murmur of assent, and Brady, Bray and Solaris actually jumped around the tables in excitement. It wasn't really what Ellie had envisioned – but then again, this whole day was going very differently from how she had imagined it, so she might as well go with the flow.
People started drifting away from the café, some towards the kitchen to start on the food, some towards their own rooms for decorations and party clothes. Ellie could hear Amber and Trudy chattering while they started pulling together the ingredients for pizza, while Salene was going over the pantry with Brady discussing what other foods they should have for the party (Brady heavily favored chocolate chip cookies and insisted that she was certain they were Ellie's favorite, too).
Ellie became suddenly aware that she was now sitting at a table alone with Jack – which was, after all, why she had come to the Mall in the first place – but she realized that she had no idea how to proceed now. She remembered Ryan's advice to be casual about it, but got stuck in a loop of ask him to have coffee and he already has coffee that didn't really help anything.
Jack broke into her thoughts. "How've you been, El? How's life?"
She tried to focus. "I've been good. The farm's doing well, the kids are behaving, we're trundling along comfortably, really."
"How's Murron doing?" Oh god, of course he'd go straight for the person she least wanted to tell him about.
"She's well, too. Darryl taught her to read a while ago and she's been devouring the books we have."
"So she's taking after her mother, huh? Awesome. And I'm sure Darryl's a great dad to her."
Wait, what? "Uh – yeah, he's a good friend. Murron really likes him, but it's not as if he's her father or anything, and she knows that." Don't mention Luke, do not mention Luke. Disaster lies in that direction.
"Oh, I just thought since you and he were dating..."
"What? No we're not! I mean, Darryl's great and all, but we're just good friends. Whatever gave you that idea?"
It was Jack's turn to stare at her. "Really? But, I mean, he's crazy about you. How are you not dating?"
"Well, yeah, but I'm not in love with him. Like I said, we're just good friends, and he's good with Murron, but I'm not in love with him or anything. Besides, I've got Murron and too much emotional baggage to think about dating anyone."
"Baggage? What baggage?"
"Um, I have a massive guilt complex over the way I treated you and had somebody else's baby?" Nice way to ease into that, idiot.
He gaped at her. "Seriously, Ellie? That was eight years ago, how are you still on about that? I mean, I didn't exactly put my best foot forward in that situation either. You had a baby and I left you because it wasn't mine, I think that might be even worse. But you don't see me moping about it, because I learned to let it go. You needed me and I wasn't there, and then you left your home because of me. I felt guilty for the longest time, until Ruby helped me accept that sometimes it's just not meant to be. I wasn't the best person about it, but neither were you, and in the end, it doesn't mean that either of us are bad people in general."
She couldn't quite stop the hysterical giggle that bubbled up in her throat. "Oh my god, I have been agonizing about this conversation. I kept thinking about the fight we had in the end and the way you looked at me when I was at the Mall the last time, I thought you hated me for ruining your life!"
"I thought you hated me for driving you out! For not being the father I could have been to Murron! I thought that was why you never come to the Mall any more!"
"How about we just agree that you both behaved badly, but that neither of your lives have been ruined and you can both move on?", a different voice broke in – Salene had come up behind them without either of them noticing. "I'm sorry to butt in like this, but I couldn't really help overhearing. And I can tell you from personal experience that it's no use beating yourself up about the past. All it gets you is miserable and alone. Take it from me – it's hard, letting go of your past mistakes, but you have to do it sooner or later."
Jack laughed, and Ellie couldn't help but join in. He got up and pulled her into another hug. "I'm glad you're all right. And I'm sorry for the things I did. And for the things I didn't do, too."
Ellie threw her arms around him. "I'm sorry too. I'm glad we had this talk."
"Have you two finally talked out that ancient history?", Ruby called from the gallery. "Is it safe to come back out?"
Jack turned around to call out to her, his arm still slung around Ellie. "It's all good, Rubes! You can stop pretending you're not lurking over there trying to guess what's going on."
Ruby didn't even pretend to look ashamed while walking up to them. "I wasn't lurking. I was just making sure that my boyfriend doesn't screw up the long-overdue talk about stuff that's been bothering him for years."
He slung his free arm around her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "No, you were right. We both had some things twisted, but I think we're good now. Getting ready to leave the bad things behind us and just look back fondly on the good times, and all the other wise things you've been telling me."
"Told you so. I'm glad you two finally got the chance to talk, I know that it's not been easy for you to let go, no matter how zen you pretend to be about it."
Ellie smiled. She was sure it was still going to take her a while to really move on – sure, they had cleared the air, but that didn't magically make years of guilt evaporate. It was going to take some time for her to come to grips with the fact that Jack wasn't as messed up as she had guilted herself into believing, and that on the contrary, he had had his own feelings of guilt about the situation. She couldn't help but admire Ruby for apparently being a master of calm who had helped Jack come to terms with his mistakes without vilifying Ellie in the process. Ellie was sure that if their roles had been reversed, she would have told Jack to just forget about the bitch who didn't deserve him, and would have hoped never to hear about it again.
The other Mall Rats started ambling back to the café one by one, carrying streamers, lanterns and colorful cloths to decorate the walls with. The smell of pizza started wafting from the kitchen, and fruits and snacks started to appear on the tables.
"Do you want to come back to my room and borrow some party clothes from me, Ellie?", Salene asked. "I think we're about the same size, aren't we?"
"Yeah, I think so. That would be great, thanks, Sal." She followed the older girl to her room, and together, they started pulling out dresses from her wardrobe and trying them on while catching each other up on their lives. Salene had found her purpose in becoming a teacher and confidante to the children of the Mall and surrounding tribes – she had never taken another partner after Pride, claiming that being with the children and helping them become valuable members of their tribes was all she needed in life.
"But don't you ever get lonely for, you know, adult company?", Ellie wondered.
Salene smiled. "Well, just because I don't have a boyfriend it doesn't mean I can't have sex if I feel like it. I just don't need anyone to be with me permanently. I've got the kids and the Mall Rats to come home to, that's enough for me."
Ellie mulled that over – while that was, essentially, what she told herself, too, somehow it sounded a lot lonelier when she heard someone else say it. Sure, taking care of Murron and the farm and all its inhabitants was rewarding, but sometimes it felt like a very demanding job with nobody to take the weight off her at the end of the day. If she was honest with herself, it hadn't really bothered her until Luke walked back into the picture. It wasn't necessarily because she wanted a relationship with him, because she was only beginning to untangle her feelings about that whole mess, but because there simply hadn't been any possible mate for her ever since she had moved to the farm – apart from Darryl, whom she didn't want to date.
Salene's quiet voice broke into her thoughts while she started to brush Ellie's hair. "So tell me, what made you come back to the Mall? You haven't been here in years. What's up?"
It hit Ellie that Salene had possibly been the only other person at the Mall who had genuinely cared for Luke, albeit during a time when she had been particularly confused and vulnerable. If anyone could understand her feelings for him, it was probably Sal – but on the other hand, it felt dishonest to tell her about him and keep Jack in the dark. She wondered whether he would be angry that she hadn't told her about Luke – even if Jack had moved past his issues with Ellie, there was no telling how he would feel about the reappearance of his old rival. It was one thing to forgive your ex about the past, quite another to know that some of that past had come to live with said ex.
Gentle hands turned Ellie around so she was facing her friend. "I'm going to take an educated guess now, and you don't have to answer if you want to. Did Luke somehow find you?" Her face seemed to be answer enough – lying had never been Ellie's strong suit. Salene hugged her tight. "That must be difficult. Does he know about Murron?"
Ellie nodded. "I wasn't sure if I should tell him at first, but then I couldn't stand the thought of keeping such a secret from him. And especially not from her – she's always dreamed of having a father, I couldn't take that away from her."
"And you? How are you doing with that?"
"I know it was the right thing to do for them, they're both so happy together, you wouldn't believe it. But it's awful, not being the center of her world any more. That sounds horribly selfish, but it's true, I've never had to share her before, not like I share her with Luke now."
"I think I understand that. But I meant how do you feel about him now?"
"I hardly know. I got so tangled up in the past, how I'd behaved towards Jack – you heard, earlier. I've been too busy stewing in my guilt over what happened that I've had no time to figure out how I feel about him. I mean, all of that happened so long ago, he's practically a stranger. I'm not sure I even really know him. But he's also my daughter's father. So that's why I came here, because I got so stuck in the past, with my guilt about Jack, that I couldn't move forward, one way or another."
"Oh honey, you worry too much about the past. Just because Jack was your first, it doesn't mean he has to be your last. And just because what happened between Luke and you happened at the worst possible time and under the worst possible circumstances, it doesn't mean that it was wrong. And maybe this is your chance to make it right, you know."
"But what's right, Sal?"
The older woman patted her hair. "Only you can decide that."
"Do you think I should tell Jack about him?"
"I think you'd better. If Luke is staying with you long-term – even if you don't end up back together – then it's bound to end up general knowledge, and I think it's better if he heard it from you, don't you? You've only just managed to mend some fences, don't endanger that by keeping secrets from him again, no matter how good your intentions are."
Ellie sighed and let herself fall backwards onto the bed. She knew that Salene was most likely right, but that didn't make the thought of having yet another heart to heart with Jack any less terrifying – especially since this one was potentially even more explosive than the last.