A/N: Yay! Another chapter! Sorry, I've been really busy writing a book lately! Anyways, for those who have watched the movie, you know what's coming next!

Lesson of the story kids: DON'T DO DRUGS.

Tripping Potatoes:

Arthur's POV:

Because of Alfred's brilliance, our course schedules had been switched up. I now had Gym as my first period. The same teacher who had brought Alfred and I to the office was the one instructing this class. I could feel the burning glare of his stern blue eyes on me as he paced up and down the football pitch, lecturing us students about our tardiness. Apparently, five minutes to change into our spare set of clothes was four minutes too slow.

I felt utterly ridiculous wearing Alfred's gym clothes. The t-shirt fell to my knees if I didn't tuck it in, and I had to roll up the hem of the shorts several times. A kind lad had been able to lend me a spare set of cleats and shin-pads for our activity today. He was likely a volunteer for the class, since he was just as scrawny and out-of-place as I was. The only person whom I recognized was Bella. Unfortunately, this was a co-ed class, which meant that both genders would get to see how miserable of an athlete I was.

Coach Lud had us lined up along the goal line, his hands held behind his back like a military general as he bellowed into our faces. From what I could tell, he was extremely passionate about football; European football, that is.

"Last year, most of our star athletes graduated. I have many doubts about where this season will take us, but that doesn't give us the excuse to give up! Our school has a legacy to maintain, and I intend to make that happen. With a lot of training, hard work, and dedication, this team will prevail…"

I tuned out Coach Lud, awkwardly shuffling through the line of students so that I was standing next to Bella. Like the rest of us, she was wearing a grey t-shirt and navy-blue shorts. Her short blonde hair was kept back with a red headband. She was listening intently to Coach Lud, her green eyes sharp with focus. She was a tiny little thing, but something about her confident stature told me that she was an excellent athlete.

Bella gave me a side glance, a small smirk creeping onto her face. I pretended to listen to Coach Lud's speech intently as well. I had to play things cool because of what had happened earlier. It still boggled my mind how Alfred thought that it would be a good idea to punch Tino in the face. He had pretty much ruined any chances of us making friends in this school. Bloody idiot, that's what he was.

I pursed my lips. I needed something to work from if I wanted to chat with Bella. I couldn't just speak to her out of nowhere, otherwise it'd be weird.

"Now," Coach Lud barked. "Who's willing to become this year's captain?"

A tanned hand shot up in the air. The boy, whose name I believed was Henrique, eagerly shouted out. "Me! Me! Coach Lud, I'd love to be the captain this year!" he grinned, his green eyes twinkling with excitement.

Coach Lud rolled his eyes in deadpan. "Henrique, we've been over this. Your skills on the pitch are undeniable, but until you learn to pass the verdammt ball, you'll continue to keep the bench warm for the rest of your teammates."

Henrique's posture deflated. Poor sap.

I smirked, finally having a reason to talk to Bella. "Wow, that was harsh," I whispered.

Bella sighed. "Oui, I agree. But not as harsh as what your brother did to poor little Tino."

I choked on air.

Bella laughed. "I was only teasing. No need to get your titties in a twist."

I raised my eyebrows at her in question. "Pardon me?"

"Oh, that's right. You're English. You probably have no idea what I'm saying, huh?"

I shrugged. "I'm old-fashioned like that, I suppose. I'm not exactly acquainted with the slang used these days. I much prefer reading a good book over keeping up with tweets riddled with grammatical errors."

Bella giggled. "How edgy of you."

I feigned a slight bow. "Why, thank you my lady."

We exchanged smiles before tuning back into Coach Lud's lecture.

Silence.

"Oi," I whispered, garnering Bella's attention again. "I'm sorry for what happened earlier. Is Tino…doing all right?"

Bella nodded her head. "Oui, he's fine. I think he's actually happy about what happened. He was excused from the test he had been studying for. Also, why are you apologizing for something you didn't do?"

"I'm an Englishman. We're natural gentleman," I mused, nonchalantly sticking my hands into my pockets. I was elated to see that Bella hadn't stopped grinning during this entire encounter. Looks like I had a charm of my own, surprising as it was.

"This school sure is crazy though. Didn't some kid die of a drug overdose last week?" I asked.

Bella grimaced. "Mhmm. Rumour has it that it wasn't the drug alone that killed Leon. The autopsy report found that he had mixed it with Adderall. His parents were always pushing him to get high grades. It's such a shame, really."

"Yes, quite," I agreed.

All right. You've familiarized yourself with her enough. Now it's time to get down to business.

"So…" I whistled, trying to keep the conversation casual. "Say a 'friend' of mine wanted to get a hand on this drug. Where or who would they go to?"

Bella gave me a smug look. "Well, you can tell your 'friend' that he's not far off."

Bella glanced towards me and then back at a nearby goalpost. I was quick to take the hint when I spotted a number scrawled on the rusted metal with a sharpie marker.

"Thank you," I murmured, hurrying over to the goalpost.

"Happy to help," Bella winked.

Drawn on the chipped paint of the goalpost was a cross with a slogan that read 'Need a hook up to get fucked up? Text (xxx) xxx-xxxx for details ;)'

Christ! What was it with these cross symbols popping up everywhere?!

I ducked behind a few students and pulled out my cellphone. I punched in the number on the goalpost and shot them a quick text. Well, here goes nothing. I purposefully used awful grammar to make myself seem more believable.

Ready 4 hook up. Where can I meet u?

I quickly slipped my cellphone back into my shorts. Unfortunately, Coach Lud had been watching me the entire time.

"Mr. Walker!" Coach Lud barked. "Since you're so skilled at shooting texts, how about you demonstrate for the class how to take a proper penalty shot?"

I waved my hands frantically. "No, no! I'd rather just be a water boy or a sideline helper. I have really weak feet, you see. I'm sorry for the disruption but-!"

"PENALTY LINE, NOW!" Coach Lud bellowed.

I bowed my head in defeat. "Yes, sir."

Several students in the class snickered. At least Bella was nice enough to give me a pitiful glance.

Having no choice, I picked up a nearby football and set it on the penalty line. Henrique was the goalie; he was cockily jumping from side to side, his arms flailing in all directions.

"Whatchu got, Walker?" Henrique teased. I didn't care for him all that much anymore. "Come on! Lemme have it!"

I felt the stares of the entire class burn into my neck. "Right, well," I muttered to myself, taking a few steps back in preparation for the kick. "It was nice while my dignity here lasted…"

I ran forward to kick the ball.

"Oomph!"

Rather than kicking the ball, my foot slid over it and I tripped backwards. My head cracked against the ground and I groaned. An unpleasant sense of nostalgia overcame me. I had suffered from this very position many times before back at the academy and didn't care to be reminded of it.

"How?! Ahahaha!" Henrique snickered.

Coach Lud facepalmed. "Mein Gott! I've seen better footwork from a blind paraplegic duckling!"

Well that was a harsh and oddly specific insult…

The rest of the class erupted in laughter with Henrique being the loudest, as he was currently rolling on the ground. I stood up and hobbled off to the side. Soon afterwards, I felt my cellphone buzz in my pocket. A sinking suspicion in my stomach told me that the new text was from the supposed drug dealer.

"Coach Lud?" I croaked, doubling over to clutch at my rib-cage.

"Ja," Coach Lud sighed, pausing in his rant to look at me with mild concern.

"Can I be excused to the nurse's office?" I squeaked.

"Ja, Ja. The last thing that this school needs is another lawsuit," Coach Lud assented, waving me off with a dismissive flick of the wrist.

It was now my turn to wink at Bella as I left the football pitch, scrambling to pull out my cellphone. I was right; the text was from the drug dealer.

I'll b the Boiler Room in 5.

Have $ ready.

I quickened my pace, and began to sprint towards the school's back entrance. Faking my injury was something that all football players did well, after all.

I wonder how Alfred was doing in his AP English class? Probably awful, if I had to make a guess. No matter, I would be saving him from the 'boredom' of that class soon enough. I sent him a quick text, grinning like a madman as my cleats hammered against the shiny wooden floor of the gymnasium.

I had gotten us our first lead.

…

Alfred's POV:

Jeesh! Have these desks gotten smaller, or was it just me? I was sitting in my AP English class, uncomfortable and with no space to put my legs. I felt like I had just joined a class of elves. Even though this was a senior class, the students here were just so tiny! The fact that they were all staring at me as if I had a horn growing out of my forehead didn't exactly make me feel welcome either.

Even the teacher, Ms. Xiao Mei was tiny, albeit super cute. She was a woman with Asian ethnic features, a delicate slim frame, warm brown eyes, and long black-brown hair that had a stray curl sticking out from the right side of her head. If we weren't undercover, I would have probably hit her up with the old Jones' charm.

Today people were presenting the 'sollioquakes' that they had each prepared. Everyone was supposed to make their own parody of a Hamlet speech. A kid with a bowl-cut and pitless black eyes was standing at the front of the room, performing a 'Pakeemon' inspired piece; whatever the heck that was.

"Go on, Kiku," Ms. Xiao Mei smiled warmly. "We'd all love to hear what you wrote."

Kiku nervously cleared his throat, his eyes glued to the paper in front of him:

"To catch or not to catch- that is the real question

Whether it is more effective to wait

The challenges and troubles of numerous gyms

Or to sling arms against a sea of native Pokémon

And by opposing conquer them. To win- to level up…"

I was quick to zone out. Thankfully, Kiku read fast and was finished in no time.

Ms. Xiao Mei glowed with radiance as she clapped. "Well done, Kiku. Absolutely wonderful!" she exclaimed.

Kiku blushed slightly under the teacher's praise. He took his seat at the desk to my right.

"Psst," I whispered, turning to look at Kiku. "That was a pretty rad poem, kiddo."

Kiku gave me a strange look. "Thanks?"

"No problemo!" I grinned. "You're Japanese, right?"

"Hai, why do you ask?" Kiku questioned, nodding his head.

"Ah!" I hummed. "Thought so. I can tell that you have a lot of wisdom in those samurai eyes of yours."

Kiku's expression suddenly became flustered. "Well, that was kind of racist…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

"Oh, dude no! I didn't mean it like that!" I stammered.

The damage had already been done.

Kiku turned his head, ending the conversation before it could really begin.

"Shit," I cursed under my breath.

"Did you have something to add, Allen?" Ms. Xiao Mei called out.

I gulped. "No ma'am."

Ms. Xiao Mei chuckled, reaching over her desk to pick up a stack of papers. "Well, if you do, don't be afraid to raise your hand. Since you're new here, feel free to ask me anything."

Ms. Xiao Mei bit her lip and winked at me. Wow! The teachers sure are friendly here, that's for sure!

"Anyways, who's ready for another pop quiddle?"

"Pop what-now?!" I blurted out.

Since I was sitting in the back, everyone turned around to look at me. Several people scoffed.

Ms. Xiao Mei began handing out booklets to students, despite never tearing her kind gaze away from me. "Every Monday I give out riddles to test the bright minds of our newest generation. It's only for bonus marks though. Winners get candy prizes," she explained, winking at me again. Perhaps she had allergies that made her eyes unnaturally dry?

"Oh," I inhaled sharply, already feeling sweat begin to bead on my forehead. I've always sucked at tests. "That's cool…"

"Very cool indeed," Ms. Xiao Mei agreed, handing me a booklet. She flipped her hair over her shoulder before walking back to her desk.

"You may now begin~!" Ms. Xiao Mei instructed the class.

I blacked out for two minutes out of pure nervousness. A buzz in my back-jean pocket snapped me back into reality. I pulled out my cellphone underneath my desk and read the text Artie had sent me.

Find an excuse to get out of class! This is urgent!

I've organized a meet up with a potential drug dealer.

I'll be waiting in the basement.

I looked up from my desk, catching the watchful gaze of Ms. Xiao Mei. I don't know why, but she was sucking on three lollipops, and slowly at that.

I gave her a quirky smile before switching my attention back to the quiz at hand. My heart pounded with excitement. I couldn't believe how fast Arthur had been able to secure a lead. But, you don't see me complaining! If we solved this case quickly, we wouldn't be the laughing stock of the police force anymore!

I opened my quiz and rushed through the answers like you wouldn't believe:

Question 1: "You can see me in the water, but I never get wet? What am I?

Your mom's pussy!

Question 2: "I pass before the sun, yet I make no shadow. What am I?

An alien spacecraft that's hidden in tinfoil and intends to take over the planet when we least suspect it!

Question 3: What is at the end of a rainbow?

A pot of gold and a bowl of lucky charms.

With my quiz completed, I abruptly stood up, causing my chair to screech against the ground. I hurried over to Ms. Xiao Mei, handing her my quiz. She was leaning against her desk with a current total of four lollipops in her mouth. The woman must really like her candy.

"Done already?" Ms. Xiao Mei giggled.

"Uh, yeah," I grunted, looking out the classroom door and into the hallway. I felt even more awkward and out-of-place since the teacher was hardly five feet tall. I was a giant in comparison to her.

I needed to think of an excuse to leave the classroom. Never being one to wait, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Can I go to the washroom? I have to ah…masturbate! No, I-! Pee! I meant to say pee!"

My face became beet red. Several students paused writing their quizzes to snicker at my inappropriate outburst. I'm not good at coming up with lies on the spot.

Ms. Xiao Mei had an entirely different reaction. "Of course!" she trilled. "That's hot-! I mean cool!" she stammered, blushing herself. "Just be back before ten minutes pass, otherwise I'll have to send you to the office."

"Right," I nodded my head.

"No running in the hallways!" Ms. Xiao Mei called after me, fanning her face with a manicured hand.

I was already long gone.

…

Arthur's POV:

I thundered down the stairwell that led into the basement, holding out a map of the school. The boiler room was supposed to be near the drama room. The echoes of Glee playing in a classroom told me that my destination couldn't be too far off.

All was swell until I sprinted head first into another person who was sprinting from the opposite direction down the same hallway. I crashed to the ground, smacking the back of my head yet again. I wasn't very surprised to find out that it was Alfred who I had collided into. It explains why I was still seeing green bunnies fly before my eyes.

I sat up, disentangling myself from Alfred's chest. "You bloody idiot," I groaned. "Hasn't anyone told you to look where you're going?"

Alfred stood up, shaking his head free from disorientation. "I could say the same for you, Iggy," he sighed. "You really need to put some more meat on your body. Those elbows of yours almost sliced my neck clean."

"Oh, sod off already," I growled, slapping away his hand when he offered to pull me up. "What took you so long to respond anyway?!"

Alfred sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, you see. Ms. Xiao Mei was having us perform sollioquakes, and then we had a pop quiddle. I couldn't leave until I finished."

"Sollioquakes?" I furrowed my eyebrows. I could understand and appreciate the second pun, but what the hell was a sollioquake?

"You know…" Alfred blushed for a lack of knowledge. "Those speeches where characters speak all by themselves?"

"You mean soliloquy?" I deadpanned.

"Yeah! That!"

I stood up from the ground, brushing off the dirt from my pants. "I'll repeat myself again: you bloody idiot. Now come on, we have a drug deal to make."

Alfred trailed after me, figurative tail hidden between his legs. "About that. Do you have any idea who they might be?"

"Not a clue," I answered, folding the map and putting it away in my pocket. "But we're about to find out."

I pointed to a door with a sign that read: Boiler Room. "Morons first," I snickered.

Alfred rolled his eyes, but opened the door anyway. I followed him inside, squinting to see in the dimly lit space. Several low-hanging vents and large metal canisters covered the room. The only objects lighting up the joint were the red UV lights on the ceiling.

A shaded figure in the middle of the space was sitting in a lawn chair, their faces hidden by a pair of sunglasses. "Close the door before we get caught," they ordered, casually crossing their legs to ease the sharpness of their tone.

I closed the door, walking forward to inspect the dealer. I recognized the Hawaiian print shirt and spiky blond hair almost immediately.

Matthias must have recognized me too because he pulled down his sunglasses and grinned. "Fancy meeting you boys again," he mocked in a British accent. "Did you come here to kick me in the balls?"

"Right," I laughed, despite the evident strain on my face. "None of that, I'm afraid. So far, we've gotten off to a rotten start, yeah?"

Matthias nodded his head, shifting his gaze to Alfred.

I violently elbowed Alfred in the ribcage, speaking through my teeth. "Say something, you imbecile," I growled under my breath. My nails were digging so far into the palms of my hand that I was breaking skin; this moment couldn't have been more crucial.

Alfred jolted, holding back a whine. "Ha! Sorry about that. I got really nervous because it's our first day here and all, and I guess I must have blacked out! Hahahaha! I hope that guy's okay though. I'll have to make it up to him sometime…"

I grimaced. Alfred had a horrible habit of laughing whenever he was feeling anxious.

Matthias waved off Alfred with a quick hand gesture. "No worries, bro. Tino's doing just fine. So, how much do you guys want?"

Matthias pulled out a hard-plastic pencil case. He clipped it open, revealing several small transparent baggies that each contained a coin-sized orange lozenge; the exact drug that we were looking for. Alfred and I both glanced at each other. Now was the best time to collect our information.

I cleared my throat. "I was thinking about one giblet or so each…"

It was Alfred's turn to nudge me in the rib-cage. "Ollie," he whispered. "What the fuck is a giblet?"

"I don't know," I whispered back, feeling my face flush. "I thought it sounded cool!"

"Well, it didn't!" Alfred snapped back, despite the overexaggerated smile on his face.

"Is that what you Brits call a gram?" Matthias snickered. God bless his kind, oblivious soul. "A giblet? Anyways, it's 30 bucks a piece."

Alfred pulled out his wallet to pay for the drugs.

"So…" I stalled. "Do you make the drugs too? Or do you just deal them?"

Matthias shook his head. "Nah, man. I just sell them. I'm not smart like Lukas or Waldy. Why do you ask?"

Alfred and I exchanged looks again, noting down the names Matthias had mentioned.

"No reason," I smirked, accepting the drug package that Matthias handed to me. Yet again, the symbol of a cross appeared; this time, it was a sticker that had been placed on the front of the clear package.

Alfred accepted his package as well. "Well, we better get back to class. Thanks again for the dope, buddy," he grinned.

Matthias stood up from his chair, crossing in front of us to block our exit out of the room. "Oh, hell no! You guys have to take the drug here or the deal's off. I can't take any risks, especially since the high school next door was just found out to have narcs."

Suddenly, Matthias wasn't so friendly anymore. He was just as tall as Alfred and could easily match him in a fight.

Shit.

Alfred gave me his 'holy fuck what the fuck do we do? Fuck!' look.

"Uh…actually, we were planning on taking it when we got home," I lied.

"Yeah!" Alfred piped in. "I was looking forward to having it with a good old dose of Dr. Phil and some side nachos!"

"Tough shit," Matthias growled. "Take the drug here or get the fuck out. You guys aren't narcs, are you?" he leered. "Because you're acting super suspicious…"

Shit x 2

"What? Us? Narcs?" I laughed. "Of course not! What bollocks!"

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Alfred cackled, red-faced. "As if Arthur could be a narc!"

That bloody idiot x 3

I froze.

"Who's Arthur?" Matthias growled.

Alfred gulped. "Arthur is Ollie's middle name."

"Right! Right!" I vigorously nodded my head.

Matthias crossed his arms. "You two have 30 seconds to take that drug before I call in the big guys…" he threatened.

I had no intention of meeting Matthias's 'big guys'.

I looked at Alfred, whose facial expression was just as helpless. He opened the drug package and popped the orange lozenge into his mouth. "Oh!" he exclaimed, blinking tears from his eyes.

"Tastes like ass and blue cheese! My f-favourite," Alfred choked.

Matthias shifted his gaze on me.

I sent up a quick prayer to any God who was willing to listen to me. It was unbelievable how many rules we were breaking right now. So much for getting these drugs back to the lab.

With that prayed and said, I opened my own package and popped the orange lozenge into my mouth. Things took a turn for the worse when it immediately dissolved on my tongue. There would be no spitting out the drug.

"Dear G-god!" I spluttered. "That tastes awful."

Matthias smirked, stepping out of the way. "Enjoy your trip, boys."

Alfred and I looked at each other in horror.

What have we done?

…

SLAM!

Alfred and I burst into the handicapped stall in the bathroom, kneeling over the smelly, rusty toilet. Since the drug had dissolved in our mouths, we had no choice but to make ourselves throw-up. I didn't have time to question why Alfred had entered the same stall as me; I was only focused on getting this potentially lethal drug out of my system.

I stuck my hand in my mouth, gagging. "Oh God!" I wailed. "We're going to die!"

"No, we're not!" Alfred gagged. He was also having a hard time making himself throw up. "Quick! Think of something gross!" he urged.

"Uh…uh…" I stammered. "Hairy balls…Alistair's hairy balls!"

"Dude, what the fuck?!" Alfred shouted.

"I'm sorry! It was the first thing that came to mind!"

Alfred slammed his hand against the stall's wall. "Forget it! I have an idea."

Alfred pulled out two pencils from his hoodie and handed me one. "We'll have to make each other throw up. You stick this pencil in my throat, and I'll stick one in yours."

"As if I'm going to do that!" I wheezed, watery-eyed.

"Do you want to die?" Alfred deadpanned.

"I suppose no-"

"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!"

"No!" I sighed. "Christ, let's just get this over with."

Unbeknownst to us, a janitor had walked into the bathroom.

"Jesus Artie!" Alfred gagged. "Put it in deeper! Stop being such a pussy! P should be for penetration!"

"Why are you so warm?! Agh!" I choked.

The Janitor rolled his eyes, leaving the bathroom with a disgusted expression on his face.

Meanwhile, no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't make ourselves throw up.

I banged my head against the toilet in defeat. "We have to go back to class," I panted.

"What?!" Alfred spluttered.

"We don't have much of a choice! I don't like this any better than you do!"

…

Alfred and I sprinted through the hallways, our hearts beating unnaturally fast. I couldn't tell if this was a symptom of the drug, or the result of our impending doom; surely, we wouldn't be police officers for very long after this massive fuck-up.

"If Captain Vargas finds out that we took the drug, we can consider ourselves fired!" I whimpered.

Our feet thundered down the staircase that led us to the first floor.

"Shh! It's fine; we're fine!" Alfred coaxed. "Lovino doesn't have to know!"

"Okay, okay! Good!" I agreed.

We skidded to a stop when Principal Fritz intercepted us in the Senior's hallway.

"What the hell are you two doing out of class?" Principal Fritz leered, crossing his arms.

My ears rang, and I felt an odd sense of euphoria come over me. Suddenly, I couldn't stop laughing.

STAGE 1: The Giggles

"N-nothing," I smirked, failing to suppress my laughter. "We were just taking a casual stroll."

Alfred couldn't hold back his laughter either, causing spittle to fly everywhere. "Ha! Stroll!"

Principal Fritz rolled his eyes. "Jesus, not you two again. I thought I already dealt with you guys this morning?"

"Dealt; deal, veal, squeal, appeal…" I giggled.

Alfred wiped a tear from his cheek. He sounded like a dying otter; no sound was coming out, that's just how hard he was laughing.

"Okay, thank you, Mr. Walking Thesaurus," Principal Fritz snapped. "Something tells me that you boys are up to no good. Do you really want me to expel you that bad?"

Alfred and I silently shook our heads.

My vision blurred for a moment, before focusing on Principal Fritz's vegetable face.

STAGE 2: Tripping Major Ballsack

Principal Fritz now had a potato for a head. Since I had skipped out on breakfast and was starving, I didn't bother to question it.

"What are you two laughing about?" Principal Potato asked. "And where are your hall-passes?"

Drool trickled out of Alfred's mouth. "Hmmmm…french fries…" he moaned.

Principal Potato pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket, reaching over with his flimsy, fry-like arms to dab at Alfred's mouth. "Jesus, kid," he exclaimed. "That's a lot of drool. Are you sure you're all right?"

"I will be if you get me some butter and ketchup," Alfred smirked. "Who's a big, yummy starch man?"

"No, you idiot," I hissed. "He'd go better with some battered haddock."

Principal Fritz took a cautious step back, discarding his handkerchief into a nearby garbage bin in disgust. "Are you two on…drugs?"

We both ignored Principal Fritz. I was too busy glaring at the American flag floating on top of Alfred's head.

"Why the hell is there an American flag floating over your head?!" I screeched. "You know how easily triggered I am!"

"You're the one to talk!" Alfred huffed. "There's a British flag floating over your head too. Are you trying to mock my country's independence or something?!"

"Doesn't matter because my country's better!" I growled.

"Oh yeah?" Alfred snapped.

"Yeah!" I retorted. "Now c'mere and we'll see who the real 'pussy' is!"

"You're on!"

Alfred and I then began to choke each other.

"Just give up already, you stubborn, know-it-all Brit!" Alfred gasped, red-faced.

"Never, you ignorant, loud-mouthed American!" I wheezed, purple-faced.

Meanwhile, Principal Fritz sighed and exasperatedly threw his hands up into the air. "Yep, they're definitely on drugs. Fuck it, overdose. See if I care. Dumbasses," he cussed, glancing at us in distaste one last time before leaving in the direction of his office. "I'm not paid enough to deal with this shit."

Alfred and I stopped choking each other for a lack of sufficient oxygen.

"Ding dong, the wicked Fritz is gone~!" I sang, only to deadpan in realization. "Bollocks! We really ought to get back to class."

"I'm already on it!" Alfred stuck out his arms, and began to run -Naruto style- in the direction of the English wing. "Catch ya later!"

"Oi! Be careful!" I gave both of my cheeks a good slap before skipping out the back entrance of the school.

…

STAGE 3 Over Falsity of Confidence

I sprinted towards the football pitch. The class appeared to be in the midst of a match. Regardless, I wanted to show off my skills. I may have been a water boy for several of my older brothers' soccer teams, but that didn't mean I couldn't have a go at kicking some arse too!

"Oliver!" Coach Lud barked when I skipped onto the field. "What in Gott's name are you doing?!"

"Put me on, Coach!" I grinned, my pupils much larger than what they should be. "I'll score a goal for you!"

Coach Lud raised a brow, but the confident expression on my face must have deterred him from saying something. "Show us what you got, Walker," he shrugged, indifferent for once.

I did exactly that. I could hear the cheers of my fans as I traversed up and down the pitch. Bella, Matthias, and Tino were sitting on the bleachers off to the side.

"Go Oliver!" Bella cried out.

All Matthias could do was snicker. For once, my coordination was spot on. The only tripping that I was doing was experiencing the effects of the drug.

One of the midfielders passed me the ball. I dribbled it down the pitch, deking out of the way of a player from the opposite team.

"Bitch, you thought!" I cackled, punting the ball past Henrique, the goalie, and into the net.

I scored several more goals before thinking of yet another brilliant solution. Why kick the ball when you can just pick it up and run down the field with it? When one of my teammates passed me the ball again, I put said master plan into action.

"Tata, peasants!" I trilled. "I'm off to score another goal!"

…

Coach Lud nearly tore out his hair. "What are you doing, you dummkoph?! This isn't Rugby!"

Things only got worse from there.

"And he just ran straight into a goalpost…fantastic."

Oliver Walker staggered to his feet, blood gushing from his nose. "Ommph! Bloody hell, that hurt! Hahahaa!"

…

Alfred's POV:

I hurried back into Ms. Xiao Mei's classroom in record time. The class was silent and working; the quiddle must have already been finished.

"Oh, Allen!" Ms. Xiao Mei squeaked in surprise. "Your face is very red, dear. Did you overexert yourself?"

"AHAHAHA!" I cackled. "No worries, I'm all goooood. Since y'all have performed your sollioquakes, I was wondering if I could perform one of my own?"

Ms. Xiao Mei blushed. "Of course, of course! I'd love to hear you pour your heart out to me! I mean, uh, perform your soliloquy!" she quickly corrected herself.

"Awesome!" I grinned, strolling to the front of the classroom like the badass mofo that I was.

I cleared my throat:

"To trip or not to trip—that is the real mind fucker:

Whether it is better in the mind to hallucinate

The delusions and sounds of who knows what the fuck

Or to take arms against the munchies and down a bag of Doritos

And by eating them, get diabetes. To have your sugar spike, to die…"

I finished the soliloquy, grinning at my elf-sized fans sitting before me.

They were all speechless. I knew it; my sollioquake must have kicked ass!

I let them gawk at my amazingness as I strutted out of the classroom. I'd graced their presence for long enough. Besides, I was starving and lunch was too far away for me to wait.

…

STAGE 4: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker!

Arthur's POV:

As the class headed towards the locker room to change, I jogged to catch up with Henrique.

"Oi! Henrique!"

Henrique, whose shoulders were slumped with the woes of defeat, turned around to glare at me. "What now, Oliver?" he groaned.

"Are you butthurt?" I asked with a smirk. "About losing, that is?"

"No, why would I-"

WHOMP!

I slapped Henrique's butt and sprinted away.

"Now you are!" I cackled, looking over my shoulder to triumph at the sight of the Portuguese's beet-red face.

…

Alfred's POV:

My nose led me to the school's cooking room on the second floor. I burst into said classroom, spotting a tray of brownies cooling on the kitchen counter.

I've always been a slut for a good brownie.

Too bad this twerp refused to share his brownies with me. We were having a tug of war match with the brownie tray.

"Dude, just let me have it!" I growled. "You can make another!"

"No," the unawesome dude wearing a beret growled back. "I have to save some for my kitties!"

The rest of the class watched us fight each other in a horrified silence.

"Kitties, you say? Look!" I exclaimed, pointing behind my brownie rival. "There's one outside in the hallway!"

My brownie rival dropped his guard, looking over his shoulder. This distraction gave me enough time to snatch the brownie tray for myself and escape the classroom.

"AHAHAHA! SUCK IT!"

I heard shouts echo behind me as I ran towards the stairwell. I must have been running faster than I thought because I forgot to push open the door; I ran tray first into said door.

I began to sob, bending over to shovel my fallen sugary allies into my mouth.

"So good," I sniffled.

…

STAGE 5: Sleepiness

Arthur's POV:

Lunchtime…

Alfred and I were sitting on a bench in the front foyer, leaning against each other for support. We were both exhausted beyond belief, despite still having the second half of the school day to get through. It appeared that sleepiness was the final aftermath of the FMA drug.

"Never again," I groaned. My voice sounded nasally due to the many gauze bandages that were stuck up my nostrils.

Alfred sighed. "My stomach still hurts from all those brownies."

"Brownies?"

"I stole some from the cooking room. Fuck, they were good."

I snickered, shoving Alfred with my shoulder. "You're such a moron."

Matthias and his group of friends walked into the front foyer, all of them two-strapping their backpacks. "Yo, Ollie!" he called out to me. "It was totally awesome how you messed with Coach Lud! I've never seen him get so mad before! It was hilarious!"

"Really now?" I chuckled.

"Hell yeah!" Matthias cheered. "You're all over the school's snapchat! Bro, you're a fucking legend! You should hang out with us some time."

"I'd like that very much," I smiled.

"I'll come too!" Alfred blurted out.

Matthias gave Alfred a weird look before completely ignoring him. "Right… anyways, I'll see you later, Ollie boy!"

Alfred turned to me, watching Matthias's group leave the foyer with a dumbfounded expression on his face. "I don't understand teenagers these days. Since when is giving a shit about things cool? Hipsters have risen to the top of the social food chain, and I don't like it one bit."

"Oh, hush up," I rolled my eyes. "Just be grateful that we're alive."

"Do ya think we should go to the hospital?" Alfred asked, reading my mind.

"No," I answered. "We're fine right now, aren't we?"

"Yeah, you're right."

"Besides," I whispered. "If the drugs don't kill us, Captain Vargas will."

To be continued…

Next Chapter: Alfred and Arthur need the perfect icebreaker to salvage their social status. What will happen when they decide to throw a party :O?