Refusing Not to Love
The lump next to him wriggled. It was, he reasoned, trying to escape his loving embrace. He would in fact be having none of that and pulled the warm hot water bottle closer to him. The warm hot water bottle groaned a complaint and turned around in his arms, burying itself into his misshapen chest. He smiled and buried his head into the hot water bottle's blue hair.
He refused to open his eyes despite the fact the room was now filled with light. The bed was just too comfy and the loving embrace too loving. He had to assert dominance with love, hug it till it could be hugged no more. He squeezed the soft plushy human he knew was in his arms. It gave a soft incoherent murmur into his chest and he smiled a little. It comforted him, knowing she was there. It was really obvious as he could feel her naked form pressing against his, her breath brushing against his skin but she was there.
Yet today was a bad day.
Most days were bad days for Benedict now. It wasn't his fault. He had done nothing wrong. It just was, as far as he could tell.
Disconnection apathy. Another form of depression.
The pain crackled through his body as he opened his eyes. The room was still dark but he couldn't concentrate on the anything. He could see it, the image of his pain. Like a frozen skeletal hand was gripping his heart, crushing it. Existence itself was painful thanks to it. Benedict thought again, of all the things he wanted, or had wanted to do when he was happy, when he was free. Drawing, art in his spare time. Pain ran through his body again as he thought of it, it screamed at him not to do it like a full body cramp. His arms hurt. They were always the most significant, the inputs of his life.
He sat up and ignored the pain. He looked towards his wife and stared at her beautiful face. It was the most stunning thing he had ever seen. Yet he couldn't feel anything right now. No love, no happiness, no affection. They were happening in his body, pure emotion running around madly that again, he had another day with this person. Yet he couldn't feel it. Cut off from his feelings that made his body squirm. They were there, he sometimes wondered but was pretty sure they still were, but he couldn't feel them.
He couldn't even feel the sadness of how sad that was. Unable to feel the love for the thing he loved the most. He should've felt like the worse piece of crap alive, that he had married someone so amazing and yet… he could not even feel the sadness of it.
He looked at his crackling painful hands. It had been 8 months since it started affecting him. He honestly preferred the anxiety to this. He never thought he would say it but he wished he had anxiety in place of this. At least then he could feel something. At least then he could cry through it, laugh through it, scream through it. But now? He missed sadness. He missed fear. He missed joy.
Though he knew he lied to himself. He could feel something. Something struggling to make its way through to him. Struggling, like a speaker dampened by a pillow covering it the noise of emotion tried to make its way through to him.
He did love her. He could feel it. The tinges of it. It was like touching snowflakes. Just… the feeling of them land on your fingertips.
"Hey," a whisper came from behind him. Hands slipped around his shoulders, stroking and rubbing his muscles. He cried out softly as they suddenly pulled him back onto the bed, his head slamming back into the pillows. He chuckled slightly and turned on his side to come face to face with his beautiful wife. Her hair was her usual blue today. He had seen her have it every shade of the rainbow but still never got bored of it. Benedict blinked a couple of times, looking into her eyes and grinned.
"Hey," He whispered back reaching out and stroking her cheek. She stared him lovingly, then seriously, then warmly. He watched her reach out and place a hand on his cheek mimicking him.
"Another bad day huh?" She whispered. Benedict nodded. He would've been distracted by her body, her nakedness or even just her hair usually but no longer. He had to get back to thinking more, using his head more. The primal stuff he had survived on. What he needed was more human stuff. More of the painful stuff.
"I'm sorry," he whispered but immediately had a finger pushed to his lips. It was soft, gentle but firm.
"Don't say sorry," She whispered glaring directly at him "You don't have to apologise to me. Never for what you're going through. You didn't let me apologise, I'm not going to let you apologise,"
Benedict nodded, his hand slipping down off her cheek, under her arm and around her waist. He pulled her closer and rested his head on hers. She nuzzled her way into his neck and slipped her arm around her.
"It's hurting isn't it," She whispered against his jaw bone. Benedict nodded and nuzzled his head into her hair murmuring the affirmative. "I can see it in your eyes. You look so… empty,"
"I'm sorry," Benedict whispered. He could tell he should be sad. The words she said dripped with the pain she was going through for him and yet… he couldn't even feel sad that he was causing the pain. He felt the pain from her pinching him in the ass extremely hard. He gritted his teeth and hissed as the pain hit him making him glare down into his wife's hair.
"Say it again and I'll draw blood," she said into his neck. He felt her stroke the place she pinched though, trying to rub the pain out of it. He grinned at the irony of it. Tough love huh?
"I mean, the fact that you're not doing anymore shows, that we're hiding from the world, the fact I can't support you, that I'm not even doing my job," He murmured into her hair "You know what I mean," he breathed in, then sighed.
Silence filled the air for a while. "I did it for you. Like you did for me," she muttered, curling her head down into his chest "Let me do this for you,"
"I didn't do it for any reward or expecting it to be paid back. I did it because I love you," Benedict murmured, running one of his hands through her hair.
"And I love you! Let me do this for you!" Sona grabbed his shoulders and flipped him onto his back, straddling him. Her hair fell around her face, her eyes glaring into his "I'm not doing this to repay you, it's like you said. I want to do this because I love you,"
He noticed the tears around her eyes. He swallowed wishing regret could hit him full in the face. He felt he deserved that. Yet the emptiness still tugged at him.
Benedict reached up and placed a hand on her cheek "How can you love me? I'm taking away your dream. I'm taking away your joy every single day. How do you still love me?" Benedict whispered. He could feel it. His body wanted to form tears. It wanted to cry. But it didn't. The sadness didn't wash through him.
"Say it. Do you love me?" Sona whispered.
"I know I love you," he whispered back, a hand coming up to her cheek and stroking it. He cupped her face, his thumb running down her cheek.
"No, not know. You said it yourself, emotion, not what you knew you were," Sona dug her nails into his skin, sharp pain running from his shoulders clearing the drowsiness of the morning. He looked into the beautiful face of his wife. His heart stung, the draining grip of the skeletal hand getting tighter.
"I… love you," he said, his hands stinging as his body screamed to stop trying. To stop trying to feel something, to fall into the whirlpool of pain. To end it all.
"You sure?" She whispered. He could see how fragile she really was. How much they had gone through together. How much she needed him back. This wasn't him. Not the real him. He would never give up finding himself. Trying to be himself again. Not for her. But for himself. There was so much left to do in his world he knew.
"I love you, Sona," Benedict sat up, his arms slipping around her waist and pulling her into his lap. He leaned forwards and kissed her forehead. There wasn't anything in the world he could do to repay his debt to her, but he would never stop trying.
Sona collapsed against his misshapen chest, burying her head into it and sighing. Her legs tightened around him, her arms thrown lazily around his shoulders. He could feel her heart beat against his. It was, if anything during the pain, comforting. Benedict smiled slightly into her hair, his hands stroking her back like a kitten.
"What would you have done if I said I couldn't feel my love for you?" He murmured, closing his eyes. The heat of her body against his was getting to him, making him feel sleepy again.
Sona smiled against his skin, her hands coming up and playing with his hair. "Nothing. I'm here for you. I will always be here for you. You could lose yourself a thousand times. I'd still be here for you. Isn't that what love it?"
"What about your dream?" asked Benedict, honestly thinking that by around the 5th time it'd be better just to cut and run. He grabbed the duvet and wrapped it around both of them, the plush fabric feeling great against their skin.
"Dreams can wait, reality and love are more important," Sona murmured, her nose rubbing up against his chest over his heart. She heard it thump steadily.
He smiled to himself. Never had he thought he could meet someone with the same idea of love as him. He knew that he, the real him, thought the same way. He would not abandon her, no matter what. He would be there for her until the end. He squeezed her tightly against himself, closing his eyes.
He opened them again when he felt the pressure on his nose "Boop" Sona smiled at him and winks, wriggling out of his arms, scampering off the bed.
"Hey, where you going?" Benedict called after her, already missing her warmth.
"Making breakfast, stay there," She called back from the main room. Of course he didn't. He put on some boxers that were lying about and traipsed into the main room of their apartment. The warm colours were great to wake up to and great to fall to sleep to. They had painted some of the walls like famous paintings or just some they liked the most. Well, tried to. Benedict had joked that he should have a mural of Sona painted on the wall but quickly backed down when Sona said she'd have a mural of him on the wall as well if he did. The smell of eggs cooking drew him to the kitchen, the crackling and popping sounds inciting his stomach which growled in response.
Sona stood behind the frying pan, two plates ready and waiting for the food to be served next to it, as the eggs and sausage and bacon cooked over the heat. The baked beans had already been heated up and were bubbling in another pan. She was wearing a blue tank top that had stretched to fit her bust in, her orbs pushing it down to reveal even more cleavage then before. He stared at it for a while, unable to take his eyes off the wobbling teats, the hanging orbs of pleasure jiggling, accentuated by the top. She wore a simple white thong to go with it, her ass jiggling in plain view as she turned to get more ingredients or condiments or something.
He smiled at her when she turned back around and she pouted at him "Not much use calling it Breakfast in Bed if you don't stay in bed,"
"If there's an edible breakfast then sure. But you and cooking? Since when did they mix?" Benedict grinned a little as he sat down at the bar on the opposite side of the cooker, watching her carefully.
"Since when did you and being lazy mix?" Sona quipped back, raising an eyebrow whilst smiling "It's nearly nine thirty mister,"
"Yeah well…" He trailed off. She was right, he needed to change back. Argh, so many things he had lost, so little time to fix them all, to turn back to himself. Still, he had the best personal reminder. It winked at him.
"You sure you should be eating something as unhealthy as this for breakfast? Some recipe I brought from my country?" He smiled knowing she had fallen for his taste of delicious foods. She had been hesitant at first to eat something so fattening and strong but it was just too delicious not to have.
"I'm on holiday. And besides, you shouldn't be eating it either. You've been putting on weight. You're meant to be the hard and smooth one muscles," He gritted a little at but one of her nicknames for him as she pointed at him with the spatula "I'm meant to be the soft and silky one," She winked as she shoveled sausages onto their plates, eggs slipping on afterwards. Benedict grinned. He hadn't really been putting on weight, just been getting slower. He hoped.
"I'll go back into training next week. Sound good?" He said. Exercise would do him some good.
"Really?" Sona looked up, a little surprise across her face. She smiled and slammed down the pan with a massive clang making them both wince. She grabbed the pan with the beans and started pouring them onto each of their plates "I'll join you then,"
Benedict reached over to pick up a plate but his hand was slapped away by the chef who picked them up with a smile. He raised an eyebrow and leant back crossing his arms. "Listen here, you may be drop dead gorgeous-"
"I better be," Sona said interrupting him as she brought out glasses, a smile plastered across her face.
Benedict's eyebrows got higher still "Can I finish?"
"I dunno, gonna start calling me master outside the bedroom now?" Sona's smile got bigger as she poured the juice into the glass then put it away in the fridge, waggling her ass at him coyly as she smiled over her shoulder at him.
Benedict smiled, his eyebrows coming back down to their resting point. "Sona, how much do you like that tank top?"
"Why…" She licked her lips as she backed up against the fridge. There was still the bar/cooker between them but something about that smile was malicious. She noticed Benedict's hand reaching out. Out towards the tomato ketchup. Sona quickly held up her hands "No! Benedict! Don't you dare! That stains! You'll have to clean it all out!" The cap was opened. Sona ran. Too late.
Sona got hit in the back and the ass with a massive spurts of ketchup but kept running, laughing as more ketchup went flying around the room. Benedict smiled as he ran after her, firing off the red sauce from the bottle. Sona shrieked and giggled whenever she got hit, Benedict jumping over furniture as he play chased her. The pressure in the bottle eventually ran out so he threw it into the bin on the way past, pinning his wife in a corner of the living room.
Sona held up her hands in defeat, smiling mischievously "You are so dead,"
"Oh really? Pray do tell me how I am?" Benedict said, walking up to her and grabbing her wrists, pinning her to the wall. His nose touched hers as they looked eye to eye.
"Cause this was my favourite top," She whispered, her eyes drifting down to his lips.
"You look ravishing in it," Benedict whispered back before his lips descended on hers kissing her deeply. He let go of her hands and wrapped his own around her waist, squishing her between the wall and him. Sona mewled slightly and wrapped her hands around his neck kissing back just as deeply.
They panted when they ended the lip lock, half lidded eyes hazily staring at one another. Benedict drew back, his hands still on her waist unwilling to let go of her. He breathed deeply. The smell of food wafted over to them. Sona was wiggling and staring at the food that was going cold then her eyes locked with his. He grinned calmly and stared out of the window as she slipped out of his hands.
The sky was an iron grey with clouds. Like a massive blanket over the earth the puffy masses dripped. The drip turned into a drizzle. The drizzle into a downpour. The downpour into rain. It drummed against the window, the glass door to the outdoors and the roof. The entire place drummed with the hum of rain. He stared at it breathing in slowly. Ah. He felt that.
Home.
He felt something nudge his side. A plate of steaming hot food appeared in front of him held by the prettiest woman he would ever know. He took it, walked over to the glass door and placed his plate on the ground. He held out his hand to Sona who copied him, putting her plate down on the floor covering them with a cloth to keep them warm, then took his hand. He slid open the door and walks out into the unleashing of the heavens.
The rain washed through them both, soaking them completely. The ketchup quickly gone from Sona as the impromptu shower cleaned them both off. Benedict place the other hand on her waist, Sona holding onto his shoulders, then danced a slow dance in the rain.
Sona closed her eyes and let him lead, pressing her body against his. The cold gripped her, the soaked through with icy water the warmth, the heat from him filled her. The love for him filled her like a burning fire till she did not mind the rain. She knew he loved the rain, so she loved it too. It was just another part of him, like his tattoos. Besides the dragon across his back was fucking sexy. They danced their slow dance in the rain, the heavens granting them their wish. That it lasted.
They walked back in together thoroughly soaked through and sat down picking up their plated and huddling next to one another. Benedict crawled over and grabbed the blanket they used whenever they cuddled on the sofa and wrapped it around themselves whilst the gorged on their cooked breakfast.
Benedict swallowed and set his plate down, watching. "It's still beautiful. Even now,"
"Cause with depression it's like waking up and the entire world just being several shades of grey. So clouds stay the same for you, still the same grey," Sona whispered, stacking the plates on top of one another. Benedict wish he could've felt surprise because even he knew that was surprising.
"How'd you know about the clouds?" he whispered, pushing the plates away and pulling her into his lap. She smiled and snuggled into his hug.
"You married me. You've told me the waking up phrase before and I'm pretty sure I have some idea of what's going on in that head of yours," She whispered in his ear, her nose nuzzling it.
He smiled and kissed her temple. Silence filled the room for a bit as the watched the water strike their window continuously. An entire sea washed past their view. Thunder rumbled in the distance. "I wanna go on holiday and get a puppy," Benedict murmured.
Sona raised an eyebrow, grinning. She patted his face a couple of times. Then pinched his cheek. Then booped his nose all to check if it was the real him. "Seriously? Not enjoying our holiday in our apartment?"
Benedict nodded and started stroking her hair "Seriously. Let's get out of here. Let's go someplace. I should meet people, talk to people, do something. Though, it's gonna be hard to find somewhere full of people who don't recognise you"
Sona looked at him carefully, but she was smiling. "You sure….? A couple of months ago you were pretty happy staying right here,"
Benedict rolled his eyes "You wanna go on holiday or not?"
Sona tapped her chin thoughtfully and slowly, teasing him with the exaggerated expressions. Benedict smiled and shook his head as he waited for her to- yup, there was the slow brightening up then… Sona looked downcast almost to him. "A puppy? I thought… after…"
"Have I just ruined a surprise?" Benedict grinned, raising an eyebrow as realisation hit him.
Sona pushed a length of hair behind her ear, smiling sheepishly "Well… I thought you might wanna… add one to the family… when you were feeling better? You know, considering I can't…"
Benedict smiled and thanked whatever gods there may be for this wonderful person. He kissed her full force for a brief second, then booped her nose "Then I should get better even faster shouldn't I?"
I waited like an entire 2 months wondering if I should post this one and I realise its important to continue working and posting no matter what. I guess in a way this is a little of a chronicle for me. So this piece is more for me than you all but if you get the symbolism and wanna talk then I'd be happy to.
Also I apologise for the crap quality.