Never Say Never - The Fray
The sunlight shining behind my eyelids stung, warning me of the pain that would assault me when opening my eyes. I kept my lids closed as I untangled myself from the sheets wrapped around my legs. My muscles ached as I moved around, pushing the sheets from my overheated body. I groaned and grunted as I stretched out, feeling the sting of pain shoot up through my legs to my shoulders and down my arms. I rolled over in the plush bed to face away from the bright light of the day, allowing my eyes to adjust to light slowly. That plan fell to pieces the moment my eyes opened and realized I was not in my own room. My eyes instantly fell on the silver star surrounded by red, silver and blue. My eyes widened in shock as they frantically searched the room.
"Are you going to throw up again?" His voice was low, weak and broken, nothing like the strong voice I was used to.
"Excuse me?" I said sitting up quickly and pulling the sheet up to my chest. It was only then that I realized I was no longer wearing my dress but was dressed in his once crisp white dress shirt.
"You got sick last night. Thor said you and Nat stole some of his booze last night." Steve said, his head resting against the back of the chair he was sitting in. "I'm sure you are nursing quite the hangover off that stuff. I've seen how that stuff works, I would've warned you against it. But I'm sure Nat was being a bad influence."
"Did we…" I left the words hanging at the end of my tongue, unable to finish the question and hoping he would understand.
"What?" Steve sat up, opening his eyes and looking at me for the first time. His eyes were rimmed in red as if he had been crying or hadn't slept. "Oh, Absolutely not. I wouldn't have taken advantage of you like that, Jolene. I thought you knew me better than that."
"Well, I thought I did too." I snapped at him causing a sharp pain to shoot through my head. I rubbed my temples trying to ease the pain, "Did you undress me last night?"
"Pepper did. She got you some of Nat's clothes to change into, too," he pointed to the chair across the table from him as he stood up from his chair. "Look, Jolene, can we please talk about all this?"
"Not right now," I replied quickly as I pulled the sheet back and slid from the bed. I walked over to the chair holding the clothes, "Do you mind if I use your bathroom before I go?"
"Jolene, please let me explain," Steve said lightly grasping my wrist, making me look up at him. "I didn't like hiding this from you." He let go of my wrist after I turned to face him. "I mean I did, but..." He trailed off looking down at the floor.
"Steve...Captain America...Mr. Rogers...whatever your name is," I began.
"Steve," He said looking up at me quickly with sad eyes. "Please call me Steve." He took a step forward towards me, one long stride and he was only an inch away from me. His hands lifted timidly, visibly shaking as he cupped my face with both of his hands. "Please don't stop calling me that. I want to be him for you." His hands were so warm against my skin causing my body to betray my anger towards him and his lies. "Please." His voice was a whisper, his breath fanning over my lips as his inched towards mine. My body was begging for him to close the distance, my heart pounding so hard I was afraid it was trying to escape my body to get closer to him, but my head screaming at me to tell him to stop. His lips had barely pressed against mine before my hands came up to his chest, gripping his dark blue shirt in my hands before pushing him away lightly.
"I can't do this right now." Panic flooded my system as my mind raced with the events of last night, the revelations and secrets exposing themselves to me all over again. I grabbed the clothes waiting in the chair for me before running to the bathroom.
I turned to close the door behind me and found Steve standing there where I had left him, hands running through his hair and over his face as he mumbled to himself, "You blew it, Rogers." He placed his relaxed hands on his hips before looking up and catching me staring. "Jolene, please." He reached out to me weakly. I slammed the door quickly, locking it behind me before turning on the shower to disguise my sobbing. I let the tears fall as I leaned against the bathroom counter and sank to the floor. I was broken and falling victim to an inner battle between my heart and my mind. One was willing to give him the chance to explain, the other wasn't so forgiving. I wiped my tears, picking myself off of the floor and getting into the shower.
The shower had helped to relax my aching body, but the massive headache I had was still roaring loudly. After drying myself off I put on the black leggings, oversized white t-shirt, and red converses before opening the bathroom door and finding Steve sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. "My heart is in chaos." My voice startled him causing him to stand up quickly from the bed. "My brain's defensive thinking and my heart's desire are having a war over you," I told him as I grabbed my dress from the hanger and walked towards the door. I turned around just before I made it to the door finding him taking a step towards me, "Don't." I held my hand up in front of me.
"But Jolene," His eyes held a look of defeat and his shoulders sagged forward a sadness poured over his every feature causing my heart to break a little more.
"I just need some time to process all of this." I reached back putting my hand on the door handle. "This is a lot for someone to take. I mean who you really are and knowing everything I know about you is a lie is a lot to try to process. I just need some time."
"Jolene," He tried to plead one more time.
I opened the door taking a step past it and looking back at him one more time. "Steve." My voice wavered slightly as I tried to hold strong onto my resolve. I dropped my eyes, walking out into the hallway and back to the elevator in search for my jacket and purse from the night before.
O.O
"Walk of shame huh?" Caroline said from my couch.
"I see you remembered your spare key before coming over today," I replied as I sat my belongings down on my dining table.
"That's beside the point. You are just now getting back from your party with Prince Charming which means you had a sleep over. I need details!" She said getting off of the couch and walking into the kitchen with me.
"Nothing happened Car." I huffed out as I popped a couple of painkillers. My head was still throbbing and I knew I wasn't going to be getting out of this interrogation anytime soon.
"Wait, he put the breaks on again?!" She sighed.
"There were no breaks to push," I replied as I poured myself a cup of coffee.
"What happened?" She said stepping up beside me and giving me a sympathetic look.
"He's not a cop," I answered her, taking a sip of my coffee and heading over to sit down on the couch.
"And that's a problem why?" She poured herself a cup of coffee before sitting down next to me. "You weren't dating him because he was a cop, so I'm not sure why that's a big deal."
"Well, yeah." I shrugged my shoulders.
"So he isn't a Captain. What's the big deal?" She sat her cup down on the table, pulling her knees up to her chest like she was settling in for storytime.
"Oh, he's a Captain. THE Captain to be precise." I raised an eyebrow looking at her over my coffee cup.
"Ummmm...So he's a Captain but he's not a cop...Okay, spit it out, Joe. You know I'm no good at guessing games." She gestured with her hands for me to continue and I let out another sigh.
"Steve's last name is Rogers. As in Steve Rogers, Captain America." I watched her as she processed the words I spoke.
"You are dating...Captain America?" She remained calm as the words came from her lips, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Yep," I said, accentuating the P at the end with a pop of my lips.
"Wow," She picked up her coffee taking a sip and holding the cup in her hands before speaking again, "I mean that means you are dating a superhero, Joe." I wasn't sure how she was keeping her composure so well as she calmly spoke. "Wait, that makes him super old. Joe, you are dating a 95-year-old man."
"That's what you are taking from this bomb that was just dropped on my love life?" I chuckled. Leave it to Caroline to take my mind to something completely different.
"I'm just thinking out loud here, but I mean if he's old maybe he's got a "problem" when it comes to the bedroom and that's what he is so hesitant," She said with a cocky grin and tilt of her head before taking another sip of her coffee.
"Oh my God Car!" I was full on laughing.
"Well, they say the odds are between fifteen and twenty-five percent in men over sixty-five. That's a big problem." She smiled.
"Well, there is a bigger issue here, like how in the hell I didn't realize it sooner or the fact that he never told me. He honestly let me believe he was a cop!" I told her, all joking set aside.
"I didn't recognize him either. But it's not like he's been stomping around your apartment or the bar in his uniform either." She laughed. "Did he tell you he was a cop?"
"Well, no. Not exactly." I shrugged my shoulders.
"What did he say his job was?" She sat her empty cup down on the table and adjusted her sitting position.
"He said his job was to protect and serve," I answered honestly.
"Well, technically he does. He didn't say he was a cop, you just assumed that. And if I'm being completely honest here, you have a tendency to assume a lot in most situations." She said leaning back into the cushions.
"Ouch," I mocked pain.
"What? You know it's true!" She raised her eyebrows challenging me. She was right and I knew it. I couldn't be mad at Steve for his lack of honesty. I hadn't really pushed him to come completely clean about much of anything. If I was honest with myself, I really wanted to know everything about Steve but had settled with little because I hated the distant and painful look he got in his eyes when I would ask about his life. The man was perfect in every aspect a person could be which made me wonder why he always looked sad when he would talk about the past, but that all made much more sense now. I didn't follow the news and wasn't really intrigued by history much either. I do remember learning of Steve Rogers in passing during History class in high school when we were learning of one of the World Wars. I remember my teacher rambling on about this super soldier that sacrificed himself for our country. I didn't find it very interesting for one soldier to be mentioned when there were still men and women that gave their life every day right now. I had remembered my Grandma speaking of the honorable Captain Rogers as well, but I would've never dreamed to have met the man myself. "So is that the only thing that's bothering you about all this? That he wasn't completely honest about his job?" Caroline's voice shook me from my thoughts.
"Well I mean, how do I know all of the bonding we did, the guy I fell for wasn't a lie? What are the truths in this situation?" I asked with a shrug of my shoulders.
"That's something you'd have to discuss with him. He's going to be the only one with those answers. Do you want a refill?" She stood up from the couch extending her hand to me for my cup.
"Yeah, thanks." I handed her my cup.
"So why aren't you asking him these questions?" Car asked as she handed me back my cup after getting more coffee.
"It's hard to be in the same room with him right now. My mind is telling me it's time to put an end to this before I get hurt. But my heart is saying screw it all, love him anyways, forget about the broken trust." I answered her.
"And that's a bad thing how?" She said before taking a sip.
"Because my head wants answers to those questions, wants to listen to him explain it, wants to understand him. But my heart doesn't give a shit. My heart wants me to kiss him and make it all go away, forget there was a crack in my trust." I snorted. "I can't stand to be in the same room with him because I want to maul his ass." I laughed.
"Well, there are these things called cell phones that can help you with the whole 'can't be in the same room with him' thing." She smiled.
"I just need some time to process all of this. I need to grasp the fact that I have feelings for someone that is put in more dangerous situations. I'm just trying to process that I've been dating a fucking superhero for the past couple of months." I said with a shake of my head.
"Here let me process that for you," She said sitting both of our coffee cups on the table before grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me. "You are dating a fucking superhero. Not many people can say that. Like that's a super awesome thing and he's an awesome guy. Not really a lot to process here... Prince Charming doesn't wear armor or wield a sword. He wears stars and stripes and defends the world with brute strength and a shield. Your Prince Charming isn't only sweet, he's a fucking badass." She said with a wide smile.
O.O
I took the next three days off from work. I had a lot to process and things I needed to get done around the house. I was working on loading the dishwasher when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find no one but a box and bouquet of roses. I looked around in the hallway to see if I could find who I was sure to be Steve, but he was nowhere to be seen. I grabbed the box and flowers, bringing them in and setting them on the kitchen counter before returning to finish my chore. The box was small and long and my first thought was that it was a necklace or bracelet, but I was proven wrong when I opened the box after finishing the dishes. There sitting in the long white box were dog tags, Steve's dog tags. As I picked up the silver metal, finding a note that was laying underneath.
Jolene,
I'm sorry I wasn't honest about my real job. I left you to assume what you wanted and that wasn't really fair to you. I wasn't trying to hide my true self from you. If anything, you made me remember who I used to be, who I was before I became Captain America, the little guy that wore these tags. Everything we shared was real and I want the chance to prove that to you, a chance to explain my actions. Please.
Love,
Steve
I looked at the tags in my hand running my thumb over the printed name and numbers and imagining a younger version of Steve wearing them. The image made me smile, a young man unsure of what he was signing up for but ready to lay his life down for his country in hopes of making the world a better place. I was sure he would still be just as handsome as he is now but where the sadness and reserve he held in his eyes now, was replaced with hope and eagerness. I placed the tags back in the box along with the note before putting the roses in a vase with some water. I was about to reach for my phone to send him a text when it pinged with a message.
Miss you. - S
My heart swelled in my chest as I read the message over again. Two simple words that were sure to have been meant to mean so much more. I was about to reply when my phone began to ring with a random number on the screen.
"Hello?" I answered hesitantly.
"Jolene?" The male voice said from the other end of the line.
"Yeah." The voice was familiar but from where I wasn't sure.
"Hey, It's Gibson. I just wanted to call you and let you know that Caroline is in the hospital. She's okay. She got really sick last night and was having bad stomach pain. She started throwing up blood a little while ago so we brought her to the ER. They said she's got an ulcer." He informed me.
"I'm on my way. What room is she in?" I said as I ran around my apartment gathering my things.
"We're on the fifth floor in room 506."
"Okay, I'll be there soon. Thanks for letting me know Gib." I said as I grabbed my purse and keys.
"See you soon. Be careful, it looks like it's about to storm." Gibson said before we said our goodbyes.
O.O
"Car!" I exclaimed when I walked into the door. "Do they know what caused it?" I asked Gib as I sat on the edge of the hospital bed.
"I'm alright, Joe. They said I had some infection. Would explain the stomach pain I've had over the past week." She said as she adjusted herself on the bed. "They are going to release me after they get me fully hydrated. I've got a list of medication I'll be taking for a while and I've got a check up scheduled with my doctor next week to check on it."
"Don't scare me like that again! You need to start taking better care of yourself. I can't lose you, you know that." I scolded her.
"Don't worry, you're stuck with me for a while." She smiled weakly. "Have you talked to Steve yet?"
"Oh yeah, when you do tell him I'm a huge fan," Gibson gives me a bright smile.
"Can you stop being a fanboy for a minute and leave the grown ups to talk?" Caroline said giving Gibson a dirty look.
"You want something to drink, Jolene?" He asked me as he stood up from his chair.
"A Coke." I replied before he left the room. "I haven't talked to him yet. I was actually going to attempt to today, but then Gibson called and I ran right here."
"He has the worst timing I swear!" Caroline grumbled. "Text him now."
"I don't know what to say. He texted me telling me he missed me and I miss him too. I just don't think saying that back is what he wants to hear." I explained.
"What do you think he wants to hear?" She asked as she drank some water.
"I don't really know. I'm sure he wants to hear that I am ready to see him, but I'm not. Not yet. I still need to know why he did what he did." I rubbed my hands over my face in frustration.
"Well tell him that." She gestured to my phone sitting on the bed. "You won't know the answers unless you talk to him, Joe."
"I know." I sighed. I picked up my phone, looking at his message and trying to figure out the best way to put what I was feeling into words.
I miss you too. I just don't think I can see you right now. I need to know why you didn't just come clean off the bat. - J
I pressed send before I could second guess myself. I reread my message a few more times hoping he didn't read it as me being bitchy. I really wasn't mad at him anymore, I was mad at the situation I had found myself in.
I liked feeling like I was normal for once. For once someone looked at me as Steve instead of Captain America. - S
My heart broke for him the moment I read the text. I could understand why he would want me to get to know him at first as a normal man, but we had been dating for a while now and if i was honest with myself, I had fallen for him after that second night of him walking me home. He could've easily came clean about his identity on the first or second date and I would've accepted things for how they were. But that didn't matter now, what mattered is that I was going to have to get to know this man all over again, seeing if the person I had fallen for was still the same person once the secrets were revealed. I sat my phone down on the bed not really knowing how to respond to his reply. Gibson chose that moment to come back into the room, saving me from further Steve discussion with Caroline.
"I'm going to go. I have to go grocery shopping. I really just came up here to check on you and see if everything was as good as Gib said, seems so. Call me later Car when you get home. If you need anything at all, just let me know. You know I'll be there as fast as I can." I said as I stood up from the bed and grabbed my phone.
"Jolene, promise me you'll talk to him." Car said as I began walking to the door causing me to turn around and look at her. I gave her a nod of my head with a small smile before she spoke again, "Good, I don't want to see you let go of a good thing. I've never seen you so happy and I want that for you."
I walked back over to the side of her head, giving her a hug, "Thanks Car. Love you." I whispered as I held her tight.
"Love you too. Now go get your Prince Charming." She smiled.
O.O
I tuned the world out as I walked home from the grocery store with my headphones in.
Some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
You can never say never
While we don't know when
But time and time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
The lyrics spoke to me as though they had been written for me to hear, to see a different point of view.
Picture, you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
I steady your hand
You can never say never
While we don't know when
Time, time, time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
I sang along as I finished my walk home, my mind going to Steve. Once I got to my apartment I put away my purchases and was about to make myself something to eat for an early lunch when my front door opened. Natasha walked in sitting a box on the counter along with two cups of coffee.
"Hey," She said as she pushed herself up to sit down on the counter.
"Hey," I replied as I pulled some lunchmeat from the fridge.
"I brought you some muffins. I figured we could hang out for a little bit, get to know one another again." She said as she held out a cup of coffee to me.
My eyes landed on the logo making me smile a bit, "Banana nut muffins?"
"How'd you know?" She gave me a confused look.
"Steve sent you didn't he?" I chuckled.
"Not really. He told me about the coffee and muffins, but I swear it was my idea to come here. To be honest, it's depressing watching him mope around. I figured I'd come over and see how things were going." She answered with a grin. "He's miserable, Jolene. I've seen him go through a lot of things but this, this is different. He's not even snarky or short with everyone. He barely talks, he keeps to himself, and when we do see him he looks so damn sad."
"It's not all sunshine and rainbows over here either." I answered as she handed me a muffin. "Finding out the guy you've been dating is a superhero is a lot to take. Especially when you thought you knew him in the first place. It's like living your whole life believing you were born into your family but finding out you were adopted. There are so many questions, you question if everything you felt and experienced was a lie or if it was truth."
"I can understand that. But I'll be the first person to tell you that Steve is the most honest person you will ever meet. He doesn't lie, I don't think he's even capable of it." She laughed. "He may have not told you everything up front but if he didn't, he must have had a damn good reason not to." She took a sip of her coffee before sitting it down beside the box Steve had left for me early this morning. "What's this?" She asked picking up the box and opening it. "Are these... Oh, Jolene," Her voice held heartache as she looked up at me from the tags she held in her hand. She handed me the tags before pulling out the note and reading it, "It all makes sense now." Sadness had covered her features as she looked up at me again. "This is the reason he didn't tell you." She shook the note in her hand. "Everything you need to know about him is here," She said holding out an envelope to me. "He'll be there waiting for you. He intends to show you everything you need to know. It's your choice if you want to know and stay with him or ignore both the problem and him."
"I don't want to ignore him. I care about him, probably more than I should." I said after finishing my muffin.
"The only thing I want to say about all of this is, you have to know the mess you are getting yourself into. I'm not saying he isn't worth it, but you have to know the risk it is to love someone in our line of work." Natasha said as she hopped down off of the counter.
"I know the risks, I've watched them all my life growing up. But you know the one thing that all those widows said after they lost the love of their life? It was worth it. It may be difficult and heartbreaking, but there is no larger heart than that of a hero. And to be loved by such a big heart is a blessing." I wiped the tear that had strayed from my eye before looking back at her.
"You love him don't you?" She asked as she stood in front of me.
"Yeah, I think I do." I smiled at her.
"Well, they say you fight for the ones you love. I guess it's time for you to go do battle." She winked at me before taking the dog tags from my hand and placing them around my neck. "You may want to pack an overnight bag." She instructed.
O.O
After packing a bag I found that the envelope housed a lone ticket for the Smithsonian's Captain America Exhibit. Natasha took me to the train station where I took a train to D.C. The ride was long and gave me ample time to figure out my feelings and rid my head of confusion before seeing Steve again. I arrived about thirty minutes before the exhibit closed. The walls were black, accentuated by the familiar red, white, and blue associated with the hero.
Captain America: The Living Legend And Symbol Of Courage
The entrance was painted with the man the world knew very well. The spangled man with a mask. I had seen this image a thousand times over following the attacks on the city that happened years ago, but now those lips were familiar and the eyes were of a man I knew, or thought I knew.
"The story of Captain America is one of honor, bravery, and sacrifice." The voice over the PA system spoke as I entered. The exhibit was empty for the most part, only a few small families looking around which allowed me more time to look over everything there was to offer me in this place, this place of Steve's past and who the man he had become.
The pictures that graced the walls were those of a Steve that didn't look much younger than he did now, dressed in a uniform much different than the one he had hanging in his room. Everything seemed so eerily familiar about everything I had seen until my eyes fell to the boy he was before. Pre-serum Steve. He had the same eyes, the same lips, ears, nose and hair, his jawline, not seeming as pronounced as it was now, but the boy was no less breathtaking. The image of the Steve before wasn't the one I had imagined but there he was, in his bootcamp gear, dog tags laying against his chest. I almost chuckled as I walked past the posters from the War Bonds tours he had done, his uniform not looking like much more than a romper with tights underneath. When I turned around I was faced with the facts. The man I cared so much about was much more than a superhero, he was a noble man. I read about his missions during the war, how he had saved the lives of 163 men, led attacks and victories over numerous enemy bases. Just past that was a motorcycle from the war which was accompanied by a screen that showed footage of him in action decades ago. Just past that was a display of seven mannequins all dressed in the uniforms of different men. Captain America stood center of his comrades, also known as the Howling Commandos.
An announcement of the exhibit closing came over the loud speaker as another piece of the room caught my eye. There in the center of the room was a photo of a man who was unfamiliar to me. I read through the information that surrounded his photo as the last of the families left the area. I stood there standing at the picture, wondering if he had given up on me coming. I was just about to take a step when his voice came from behind me.
"That's Bucky," Steve spoke. "He was my best friend... IS my best friend."
"This is the friend you were talking about," I stated aloud. I turned to find him standing there in that dark blue jacket, white t-shirt and dark jeans that he had worn before, taking me back to the moment I had first laid eyes on him. It felt odd but comforting, the familiarity of it all. How ironic being that I was meeting him, the true him, for the first time all over again.
"I thought he was gone, I watched him fall from that train... I couldn't save him." Steve paused, shielding his face with the brim of his baseball cap. "Hydra found him, turned him into someone he's not. Sam's been helping me track him down but all the leads run cold."
"It says he's the only one you've ever lost in combat." I gestured back to the glass wall behind me with Bucky's picture.
"Yeah." He said looking back up at me.
"We should get going the exhibit is closed." I said turning around to leave.
"The night guards know we are here. There's more to see." I turned around to see him pull off his hat and run his hand through his hair. He turned around leading me to the back of the large room we were located in. I followed him into a small room with a few benches and a large projection screen. Steve pressed a button on the wall starting a movie. "Thank you for coming." He said as he sat down on the bench next to me. "I wasn't sure if you would." He said gripping the edge of the bench between us. I placed my hand over his, lacing my fingers through his as the screen came to life. It was the young man he once was, in boot camp struggling to do a push up and running behind the pack at a great distance. The narrator spoke of his health conditions and how he was turned away from the military many times before a doctor found him and allowed him to enlist. He was an experiment. My heart clutched in my chest hearing the words. Steve gripped my hand as his smaller self was strapped to a leather pad, closed in a case, and came out a different man. The movie touched base on how he was before the serum and after the serum. Steve was still Steve, a good man, standing up for those who couldn't stand up for themselves, always fighting for the greater good. Interviews were conducted after his disappearance and they were heartbreaking. Steve wasn't just a soldier, he was a well respected man, the same man that sat beside me was the one that sacrificed himself to save the world and without him and his selflessness there was a good chance we wouldn't be sitting here today. That thought broke my heart even more. He would've went on living life, I would've never met him, or I could've never been born. As the theater area went back dark I wiped the silent tears from my face before he could see.
As the lights lit the room his hand retracted from mine and a cold chill slid through my body at the loss of contact. It was in that moment that I knew I couldn't stand to be without him and sent a silent prayer up above that I would never have to do so. "I wanted you to see this. All of it. The creators of the exhibit did a great job explaining my story. Much better than I could've ever done on my own." Steve chuckled before turning to look at me. "What do you think?"
"I think there is one last thing I need to see." I said standing up and gesturing with my head for him to follow me. I headed over to the one part of the exhibit that had been crowded when I had entered.
I placed my hand over the image on the screen. The young man in front of me resembled the man I had grown to know over the last few months. Although this version stood an inch or two shorter than me, his eyes still held the same honesty and noble glow as the blue eyes that weakened my knees that first night my eyes met his. The lips the same fullness that smothered me, leaving me breathless when they came into contact with mine. The picture morphed into the man I had grown accustom to, the man much taller, much broader, a much more sculpted man of the boy before. Although the man that took the screen now was everything a woman would drool over the sight of, the smaller man coming back on the screen made my heart squeeze all over again.
"So he's the one I've fallen in love with all along?" I asked as my fingers stretched over the young man's heart.
"You make me feel like him again," Steve whispered out. He was right behind me, close enough to feel his hot breath on my neck but far enough not to feel him pressed against me.
"You are him, Steve," I spoke out matter-of-factly before the image transformed into what he looked like now. "This may be what you see after the serum but," I paused turning around and looking up at him. "You're the man I fell in love with." His eyes dropped from the image behind me to my eyes. "I didn't fall in love with Captain America or Captain Rogers. I fell in love with Steve. Steve Rogers, the awkward but overly charming man that wears his feelings in his features, who doesn't back down from a fight, who wants to protect, willing to put his life on the line without worrying about death, the man that doesn't understand women, the guy that is so shy and hesitant around me, that is the guy I fell in love with." I paused, "Captain America has been that man all along. The only thing that's changed is your appearance. That doctor, the one in that video, he knew the serum wouldn't change you where it counted most, here." I said placing my hand over his heart. "I just don't understand why you felt you needed to keep this part of you from me."
"I had forgotten what it was like to be a normal person and you gave me that chance again. Everyone I know, knows me as Steve Rogers, Captain America, the man with a plan. I may be that man when it comes to battle, but the guy outside of the fight, outside of that suit... he's still that scrawny and awkward kid from Brooklyn. You seen through the outside appearance, seen everything that I was on the inside and I could finally see hope for a normal life again. That guy that came out of the ice wasn't the same guy that went in." Steve paused looking around the place before looking back at me. "When I came out, I had lost everyone that had ever meant anything to me. I was alone. I went into the water thinking I could survive it, come home, make a life with Peggy, have a normal life. The man that came out knew I would never have that chance again... and then I met you." Steve lifted his hand up, cupping my cheek and placed his other hand over mine that rested on his chest. "I had sacrificed so much. I knew i was when I went into that water so long ago. But I didn't. Peggy was my best girl, she reminded me to fight when I wanted to give up, she helped me find myself when i thought i was lost. You did too. I thought Peggy was my true love, but she was my first love. And now I know that going into that water didn't ruin my life. It was the best decision of my life. I didn't only save the world when I slept on ice for 70 years, I was waiting for you. Peggy knew who I was before I had the serum, and she could've fallen for the little guy, but only acted on it when I came out like this but you, you saw through the big package to fall for the little guy. I needed someone like that. Someone so pure and good hearted. I needed you." Steve moved his hand that was covering my own, placing it on the other side of my face. "You understand me much more than anyone ever has and i can't thank you enough for that. I knew I loved you after our first date, but i wouldn't admit it to myself until the other night at the party. I hated keeping this all from you, I was being selfish, I know that now. But I was so afraid it would change how you looked at me. I was afraid you wouldn't be looking at me as Steve, but as Captain America. But that night at the party... the look on your face when you found out, it broke my heart, that's when I'd realized how wrong I was. And that pain in my chest when you turned around and walked out of my room, I knew I loved you, and I had to make it right." Steve's eyes closed tight before opening again and the confidence was lost in his eyes, replaced with honesty and fear. "I love you Jolene. I don't want to lose you. I can't stand to lose you."
My eyes filled with tears at his own admission and my heart clutched in my chest. My hands gripped his jacket, pulling him down as I reached up on my tip toes to kiss him, "I love you too," I whispered before kissing him again with all the passion in my heart and soul. "I'm not going anywhere, Steve." I vowed as I returned to my flat feet and loosened my grip on his jacket to smooth over his chest.
"Are you going back home tonight?" Steve asked as he placed his hands over mine on his chest.
"No, I have an overnight bag in a locker at the train station." I answered him.
"Let's go get your stuff." Steve said. I smirked at him with a nod of my head before he laced one set of our hands together and began to lead me out of the building.
"This is my apartment. Moved in here while I was working at S.H.E.I.L.D." Steve explained as we pulled up to an apartment building after picking up my things at the station. "I come back here every once in a while to clear my head."
We took an elevator to the top floor and Steve led me down the hallway to his apartment door. He opened the door, holding it open for me to enter in front of him. I took a step inside, him stepping inside behind me and flipping on a switch to light the way. The entry way was lined with books as well as every shelf in sight. Pictures leaned against walls from the floor, waiting to be hung in their place.
"I never really got settled." Steve stated as we walked through his apartment and into the living room. "I just never felt like anything fit, because it felt like I didn't fit."
The words stopped me in my tracks. I turned around looking at Steve, standing there in the middle of his living room. "How do you feel now?"
"I feel like I've finally found my place." He said giving me a lopsided smirk.
I crossed the room grabbing one of the framed photos that lay on the floor, "Then let's give them their place too." I held the frame against the wall above where it sat, "Does this look good?"
"I don't think it's place is in this apartment." Steve said as he walked up behind me, taking the frame in his hand and placing his other hand on the small of my back as he leaned down and placed the photo back on the floor. "I think it's time I packed this place up and took it home." He smiled down at me as I looked over my shoulder at him.
"I don't see Tony letting you hang this stuff in his hallways," I chuckled as I turned around to face him, his hand still laying on the curve above my ass.
"You're probably right about that," Steve said before letting out a hearty laugh. "I was actually thinking about letting go of this place and getting my own in New York." Steve looked around at the barely put together apartment before looking at me.
"Why get a place of your own when you have a place to live already?" I asked, intrigued by the idea as he led me back to the center of the living room.
"Well for starters, if I want to have a date night in with my very beautiful girlfriend, I'd like it if there weren't any tag alongs. I can't really make that promise living with Sam." He snorted, sitting down on the couch.
"How about we use tonight for a practice run of that date night you're talking about." I said sitting down on the comfortable couch next to him.
"That's not a bad idea. Except the fact I have no food in this house so I can't really cook a proper dinner." Steve smiled.
"Well, let's do something different. How about you order some take out and I'll run to the store I saw down the street and get us some beverages?"
"You're good at this." Steve said putting his hand over mine on the middle of the couch. "Just another reason I'm extremely lucky."
"Hush," I giggled as I stood up from the couch and leaned down to him, "I'll be back in a little bit." I leaned the remaining distance, placing a kiss on his waiting lips before grabbing my purse and heading out the door.
I returned about an hour later. The store hadn't been far, but the issue of deciding what to get was what had taken the longest. "I got some beer and some Coke," I said as I entered. The entryway's light was on but the rest of the apartment's lighting seemed dimmed. "Steve?"
"In here," He shouted from the living room. He had pushed the coffee table forward allowing us room to sit on the floor to eat. The coffee table was filled with Chinese take-out boxes and candles. The candles giving off the dimmed glow of the room.
"Oh, Steve," I smiled.
"Is this okay?" He said standing up from the floor and stepping next to the coffee table. The look in his eyes looked like that of a kid who wasn't sure if his crush liked the gift he was giving and the image made me imagine the smaller boy he was before, giving me puppy dog eyes.
I smiled at him before sitting the bags I had in my hands down on the floor and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "It's perfect," I reached up on my tip toes to give him a light kiss before dropping back to my flat feet and untangling my hands from around his neck. "What do you want to drink?" I asked as I walked back to the bags I had abandoned on the floor.
"Here let me get that," Steve said as he walked past me and grabbed the bags before I could. "Beer or Coke?" He pulled the options from the bags placing them on the counter and waiting for my answer.
"Coke," I answered. He slid a can towards me before grabbing himself one and placing the rest of the beverages in the fridge. Steve and I walked back to the living room where he placed an Ella Fitzgerald vinyl on his record player before sitting down next to me on the floor to eat. We ate as the music played throughout the apartment and talked about his time working with the Avengers.
"Oh yay! We got three fortune cookies!" I exclaimed as I reached across the table to grab the plastic wrapped cookies. "We can each have one and share the last one." I grabbed one, cracking it open and setting the paper aside to eat the cookie.
"What does yours say?" I asked before taking a bite of my cookie.
"You have remarkable tools for success," He replied.
"In bed," I added with a smirk.
"Your's says in bed?" Steve asked with a shocked expression.
"No," I laughed, "You add 'in bed' at the end of whatever your fortune cookie says," I explained.
"I've never heard of that before," Steve said with a raised eyebrow.
"It's just to make it funny I guess," I shrugged.
"You have remarkable tools for success in bed," Steve laughed. "It does make it funnier." Something about hearing him say it all together made the message much dirtier, making me blush. "What's yours say?"
"Someone will rise to your expectations, in bed," I mumbled out. Steve's face was red and he coughed like he was choking on his cookie. I wasn't sure why I had mentioned the 'in bed' thing. I guess it was because I was used to eating Chinese with Caroline and we goofed off all the time. However, in this setting it didn't seem like a silly thing. I could feel my face flushing even more as Steve turned towards me and grabbed the last wrapped cookie, handing it to me.
"So this is for the both of us?" He asked.
I ripped the plastic, praying to god it wasn't one like the last two had been. "Love is for the Lucky and the Brave," I read before getting cut off by Steve.
"In bed," he chuckled before looking at me with that beautiful crooked smirk of his. Our eyes held each other as a comfortable silence took over the room as the album we had been listening to ended. "I love you," He smiled after the admission left his lips causing me to smile back at him through my blush.
"I love you too, Steve Rogers." I leaned forward, placing my hands on the sides of his face and pressing my lips over his. His lips pushed against mine gently as his hands came to rest on my hip and the back of my head. Steve's tongue brushed against the seam of my lips taking me by surprise. He had never been the one to take the next step first and this only spurred me on. I sat up on my knees as I opened my mouth to him and his hand on my hip pulled me to him, in need of being closer to one another. I lifted one leg, swinging it over to the other side of his legs before sitting down on his lap. I deepened the kiss as his hand dropped from the back of my head to my other hip. His tongue wrestled with mine for a delicious dance of dominance, making my need for him grow. I pushed my hips forward as I pulled back to catch my breath. Steve's lips traveled along my jaw placing small open mouthed kisses causing me core to clench and my hips to roll against his involuntarily. I pulled Steve's mouth up to mine as I continued grind my hips against his. Steve moaned into my mouth, his hands gripping my hips tight causing as tinge of pain and waking me from the lust filled haze he was creating in my head and body. "I'm sorry," I said as I pulled away and made a move to remove myself from his lap. "I'm sorry, I don't want to move this faster than you're ready to go."
Steve's grip on my hips held me to my spot, "Don't apologize," he said as he looked at me. "I'm ready."